Hey, there's not a cloud in the sky
I pulled my Ute over onto the side of a deserted country road. I couldn't face going back to Drovers Run. Not after I'd made such a huge deal about leaving. Not after they had all looked at me like I was crazy, and told me countless times what a mistake I had made. But I stood my ground, declaring confidently that I knew what I was doing, that this was my chance to make something of my life.
It's as blue as your blue goodbye
To be honest I would have been disappointed if the others hadn't tried to stop me. It was reassuring to know they cared, and that they'd miss me. But being told what a stupid thing I was doing only served to annoy me. Tess stood there, as if her own life was so ideal and her own choices so perfect. All my life people had looked down on me like that. Telling me how much I'd screwed everything up, telling me over and over about the mistakes I made. And I was sick of it. I told myself Tess was just jealous. And I packed up everything I owned and drove away to start my new life, with Kane.
And I thought that it would rain
It never really occurred to me that he would betray me like that. I know he was not the most honest man in the world. But I was so blinded by my infatuation that I never saw it coming. I suppose it wasn't really the man I was in love with. Just the idea of him, the idea of a new life, the life I always dreamed of. To be a success, to stand on my own two feet, to have something real to offer to Rose. And once again that dream went up in smoke
On a day like today.
I'm not sure where I got the idea that my dream would come true. None of my dreams ever have. I've always woken up to be slapped in the face with the cold hard reality that life just isn't meant to be easy, or fair, or painless. But this time, I thought it was different. I suppose that makes me pretty stupid.
Why, after this long is there nothing I'll keep?
So here I am again. Back in this lonely place. It seems to hurt so much more this time. Its not just Kane. Although the tears that I cry are in part for him, for the life I had dreamed of that he ran away from. He ran away from me. Left me behind. As if I meant nothing to him. And that hurt.
Oh I can shout, you'll pretend you're feeling asleep.
But I have been the one to walk away from the best life I have ever had. Drovers Run. The best job, the best friends, the safest place I have ever known. From that first day I set foot on Drovers I knew I wanted to settle down there. It felt to me like 'home' even though I didn't really know what 'home' meant at the time. And I had thrown it all away, for Kane. For nothing. And here I was, with nothing. Just like that first day I came to Drovers. But this time it seems that I have less than nothing. Because now I've lost something precious- my home and my family.
I never cried, I just watched my life go by
My heart aches to be back there. There is no place in the world I'd rather run to right now. But I can never show my face there again. Not to Tess and Nick, or Jodi, and not to Alex. Not after he warned me how stupid I was being. There was only one thing to do, and that was to disappear completely. They'd all think I left with Kane. Maybe I'd send a few postcards one day, about our happy life. They'd never know the difference. But going back, the humiliation of admitting defeat, admitting that once again I had screwed up completely, it was not an option.
It's just a waste of time, 'cause you're leaving me behind
It just wasn't so easy to leave. That's why I was sitting in my ute on the side of the road. Where was I even going to go? I tried to remind myself it was just like the good old days, on the road again, each week in a new place. But the excitement from that carefree life was now completely gone. This, and the fact that I had no money.
Hey, there's not a cloud in the sky
The thing I hate myself for the most, is trusting him with my money. Roses money. It was for Rose. For our new life together. And I had just given it away. I had let Rose down, again. And once again had nothing left to offer her.
Its as blue as your blue goodbye
I was so completely enthralled in my thoughts, in feeling sorry for myself, that I didn't notice the black ute pull up on the opposite side of the road. I scarcely even noticed as Alex got out and let himself in the passenger side of my car. And even when I saw him, it didn't quite register at first.
And I thought that it would rain
He opened his mouth and said something completely ridiculous and insignificant. "Nice Day for a drive, Cowgirl"
On a day like today.
I turned my head, thinking perhaps if I ignored him he might go away. This strategy had never worked in the past and I'm not sure why I thought it would now. I could feel his eyes staring at me, and I tried not to cry. "Hey are you ok?" He asked quietly a few moments later.
Hey, does it ever make you wonder what's on my mind?
"Just leave Alex" I answered him without looking at him.
He didn't move though.
"Well what are you waiting for?" I asked him, trying my best to sound annoyed, but I could tell he saw right through me.
I was only ever running back to your side
He sat silently until finally I could hold back the tears no longer. The last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of him. He reached over and put his hand on my shoulder, and before I knew it his arms were around me as I sank into his embrace. It felt so safe to be in his arms. So right. And for a moment I forgot my humiliation, closed my eyes, and let myself take pleasure in the feeling of being in his arms.
I live a lie, yeah believing that your mine
I don't remember much of what I said to Alex in the car that afternoon. Conversation was never his strong point and I have never been so glad for that. He never asked me what had happened, or where Kane was. I loved him so much for that, for not putting me through the humiliation of having to explain that I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. He just held me and told me that everything would be ok. And even though my life had once again fallen apart completely, something about his words were convincing, and I held on to them tightly, somehow believing there was truth to them. I didn't want him to ever let me go. But eventually he pulled away. My heart sank as all of a sudden his arms were gone and I was alone again. Just like that. And then Alex announced he was taking me home.
Its just a waste of time, coz you're leaving me behind
The day you went away- Wendy Matthews