a/n: Written for a Then_Theres_Us prompt on LJ.
Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who or Cupcake Wars or Star Wars. Nothing in this fic is intended to disrespect or defame, insult or libel anyone nor am I receiving any form of compensation for this work of fiction. Please do not sue me :)
Cupcake Wars Doctor Style
Rose looked down at the Tardis blue t-shirt with the yellow banana dancing with a pink frosted cupcake and Bananarama Confections bannered across the top in yellow lettering and chuckled. The Doctor strode up to her wheeling a silver case next to him. She looked at him dressed in his brown pinstripe suit with a casual light blue dress shirt with a Tardis blue tie with the dancing banana theme and Bananarama Confections scrolled across it. He looked down and grinned at her as he took her hand and they strolled into the television studio that produced "Cupcake Wars".
"Explain to me how you got us on this show?" Rose asked, as they walked toward the studio.
"Welll, one of the show's producers is an old friend who I helped with a bit of a problem and when I say a bit of a problem, I mean an aggressive alien nanny type problem."
"Alien nanny?" Rose asked, her eyebrows raised.
"Oh yes! Seems the nanny he hired had a price on her head in the Tiigan system so she was hiding out on Earth. After all, what better place to hide than Hollywood. Unfortunately, her species requires supplements of petroleum jelly and Fred caught her in the loo scarfing down petroleum jelly out of a jar. She threatened his kids to keep him quiet. I ran into the poor, miserable bloke while on a studio tour. He absolutely wreaked of Tiiganian, so I had a nice little chat with him."
"And what? He invited you home to talk to his evil alien nanny?"
"Yep! Didn't take much. Just mentioned to her that the Shadow Proclamation kept tabs on Earth and if they found her here welllll, they wouldn't bother with extradition. They'd remove her permanently. If you know what I mean. I offered to transport her to another world more suitable to her species. She moved out and Fred's problem was solved! Course, I also may have inspired his imagination a bit. He worked on several science fiction films after that. Brilliant career he has now."
"So, good old Fred thinks there's another alien about and gives you a ring?"
"Something like that. Oooo look at that sign on the door! A cupcake made to resemble a tank! Can you imagine! Only humans would think to take a weapon of war and turn it into a sweet treat!" the Doctor marveled. Rose giggled as they walked into the studio.
They were soon ushered onto a huge stage which had four kitchens set up for the show. The Doctor wheeled his case over so he and Rose could set up.
The first team they met were two posh, immaculately coifed, tall, dark haired women dressed in black mini dresses wearing black aprons with "Ganache" emblazoned in gold across the top and with a logo of three glitzy cupcakes. They were quite aloof with fake smiles. The next team was two friendly young men with close cropped, brown hair dressed casually in jeans wearing soft yellow t-shirts with "Le Meringue" emblazoned in white and outlined in pink with a border of cupcakes beneath it in various colors. Finally, they met two ginger haired girls. They were friendly but focused. They wore denim miniskirts and t-shirts of lime green with "Sinless Sweets" written across in black and pink. They were organic bakers.
Soon, an assistant was racing over between the teams to make sure they knew where to stand and where the cameras would be. After she left, Rose walked over to the Doctor. "So, do we know which one's the alien?" she whispered to him, as she took items from him and set them down on the counter.
"Oh, I may have my suspicions. We won't be sure until after everyone's here and I can get a good look as well as a scan them with the sonic."
Soon, the host, Justin Kredible, came out and met all of them followed by the judges, Candace Nelson, owner of Sprinkles, the worlds first cupcake bakery, Florian Bellanger a world renowned executive pastry chef and owner of Mad Macs Cakes and special guest judge, Roger Lane. After the introductions, the Doctor turned to Rose. "First cupcake bakery," he snorted. "Not really, that was Irma Stone in Cleveland, Ohio in 1985. She was so good, she was swept away by the Jazinth court to be their king's royal baker." Rose tried to stifle her giggle. "Florian Bellanger, now he bears watching. Something's off with him." Rose perked up. "You think…" Before she could continue, the production crew called for them to get in place.
The Doctor practically bounced up to stand next to Solange from Ganache, Gary from Le Meringue and Lucy from Sinless Sweets. Soon, Justin was in full host mode.
"Cupcake bakers, welcome to cupcake wars! Today's battle is something from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. The 35th anniversary of Star Wars which premiered in 1977. Our special guest judge is Roger Lane from FAO Schwartz which is sponsoring an event to celebrate this anniversary. Today, there will be three rounds and after each round someone is going home. The competition begins with the taste challenge and your flavors will be inspired by our theme. As we all know, a main theme of Star Wars is the Force. Representing the light side of the force we have honey, bananas and herbal tea and for the dark side, black sesame seeds, black licorice and squid ink.
Rose watched as the Doctor's eyes lit up with delight. "Oh, he is enjoying this way too much," she muttered to herself, as she looked at the table filled with odd ingredients.
"You must use at least two ingredients from the table before you. You have forty five minutes to complete your cupcake and your time starts…. now!" Justin shouted out to them.
It was a race back to the kitchens with the Doctor leading the pack. After whining briefly that the tea had to be herbal and not his preferred Earl Grey, he told Rose they would be making a honey and banana cupcake with a caramel banana nut filling and a honey and tea cream cheese frosting. As they worked, the Doctor surreptitiously pulled out his sonic and started scanning. He also expertly and with great panache tossed ingredients in the air practically juggling them and winked at Candace.
"Rose, toss me the banana liqueur," he asked. She smirked since his banana liqueur was actually from a little planet in the Diosis galaxy known for over one thousand varieties of bananas and they made, according to the Doctor, the best banana liqueur anywhere. He was definitely a sight to behold as he measured, sniffed, tasted, mixed and poured ingredients.
"You sure we're here to find an alien and not to indulge some weird culinary fantasy of yours?" Rose quietly teased him. After he shut the oven he turned to her grinning.
"Rose Tyler, are you questioning my commitment as a defender of this planet?"
She smiled, raised her eyebrows and continued her task of making a glistening gelé that would be infused into the cream cheese frosting giving it a glow. The Doctor turned, spoke to the camera extolling the virtues of bananas and how they represented the goodness of the light side of the force, then turned back to help Rose with her task. He started making spun sugar strands from which he adhered edible ball bearings. Even though it was the taste round, he lectured Rose that you eat first with your eyes.
Justin stepped forward shouting out to them they had ten minutes. The cupcakes were out of the oven and cooled as Rose and the Doctor worked together in perfect harmony to fill, frost and decorate their cupcakes. They finished just in time as a few of their competitors struggled and seemed perturbed that forty five minutes was insufficient. The Doctor sniffed and whispered to Rose, "Like they could compete with a Time Lord." Rose rolled her eyes as she watched the Doctor confidently stride forward with his competitors for the judges to evaluate the cupcakes.
He stood bored and fidgety while he waited for the judges to complete their comments on his competitors' cupcakes. Solange's squid ink dark chocolate cupcake with cinnamon sesame seed filling and chocolate butter cream frosting received mediocre reviews as Candace thought the cake's texture was a bit crumbly. Florian, who spoke with a pronounced French accent, simply didn't like the filling and guest judge Roger Lane thought it was missing balance. Gary's cupcake was a honey and tea infused cake with a French butter cream frosting with a honey drizzle. All the judges felt it was okay but not outstanding. The judges loved Lucy's organic honey orange cupcake with a tea infused orange marmalade filling and a light tea frosting. Justin turned to the Doctor.
"So Doctor, tell us about your cupcake."
"Thank you Justin. I have prepared a true delight for the senses. A honey and banana cupcake with caramel, banana, pecan filling and a gele honey and tea cream cheese frosting. The fragrance of the banana prepares your palate for the light and delicate texture of the moist delicious cake enrobed in the frosting which glistens with the light of the force," the Doctor explained with great enthusiasm, and a wink at Candace who smiled back at him with a twinkle in her eye.
The judges unwrapped the cupcake and began the tasting. Florian stared coldly at the Doctor with a frown. "The texture is all wrong and the filling is a wet mess. I don't like this cupcake at all," he told him. The Doctor tensed up and stood tall with Time Lord indignation and arrogance.
"I must disagree with my friend, Florian. I loved this cupcake. I think it's quite delicate and delicious. The filling is a nice contrast and the cream cheese frosting is well balanced and not too heavy or sweet." The Doctor beamed at her. Guest judge, Roger Lane, loved the flavor and especially enjoyed the tea infused frosting.
"All right cupcake makers, the judges need some time to figure this out so we'll see you in a few minutes," Justin announced. The bakers and their assistants were led back to a waiting area where the Doctor and Rose stood in a corner away from the others.
"Doctor?" Rose asked.
"It's got to be Florian. Did you hear what he said? He called my filling a wet mess! A wet mess, Rose! Obviously an alien, not to mention, one who lacks taste." Rose rolled her eyes.
"Right, he didn't like your banana filling so he's an alien," she told him sarcastically, and leaned against a wall. "I think it's that Justin Kredible bloke. I mean, who has a name like that! Oh, and did you hear his comments. Seriously, he stood there and asked if our cupcakes would be a success or would they make the judges turn to the dark side of the force. I'm thinkin' he's the alien."
Just as the Doctor was about to comment they were ushered back into the kitchen studio and the Doctor bounded back up front with the rest of the bakers. Lucy and then the Doctor were told they were safe. Solange was sent packing.
"Okay bakers, only two of you will advance to the final round where you will bake one thousand cupcakes. In this round, you will bake three cupcakes and your score will be based 50% on taste and 50% on presentation. You have seventy five minutes and your time starts….Now!"
Although miffed at being called second, the Doctor was bubbling with excitement and manic glee. The cupcakes for this round were a blue velvet cake made with essence of blackberry mixed with cocoa, with a black chocolate butter cream frosting infused with blackberry liqueur and sparkling with stars, on top of which there would be a replica of the millennium falcon made of the Doctor's super secret fondant. The next one would be a banana spice cake with cinnamon-nut filling and a cinnamon vanilla bean frosting with fondant covering it so it would look like R2D2. The third cupcake was a lemon cupcake with a vanilla cremé filling and a tea and honey gele frosting tinted a golden color with two light sabers with glowing blades on top.
The Doctor raced around the kitchen secretly sonicing the blender to attain maximum mixing speed. Rose pulled out his fondant and coloring and began rolling it out with the 25th century rolling pin which maintained the optimum temperature and moisture content to efficiently roll out fondant that was smooth and pliable. As she worked on the decorations, the Doctor began a lecture on the science of baking while standing next to her.
"You see Rose, when fat and sugar are mixed together, little bubbles of air are trapped in the mixture. It's the air in the bubbles which produces the lightness in the finished cake. Now, the egg whites form a layer around each air bubble and as the temperature of the cake rises in the heat of the oven, this layer coagulates and forms a rigid wall round each bubble, preventing it from bursting and ruining the texture of the cake. During baking, the bubbles of air will expand and the cake will rise. Simultaneously, the stretchy gluten in the flour has formed an elastic network round the air bubbles which will stretch until, at a higher temperature, it loses its elasticity and the shape of the cake becomes fixed."
He paused and looked over at her. "Like time. Isn't that brilliant!"
She smiled and shook her head. Only the Doctor would break down cake baking to science and then declare it to be like time. They danced around each other giggling over the decorations while their competitors gave them odd looks.
Justin was soon shouting out "Fifteen minutes!"
Rose and the Doctor worked quickly and with great gusto. Finally, Rose stood back while the Doctor tinkered with each cupcake until he made sure the millennium falcon tilted at the perfect angle, R2's buttons were all straight and where they should be and that the light sabers were dusted with more of the edible bioluminescent powder he had developed in his lab on the Tardis. When time was called, he shouted out "Ha! Molto Bene!"
This round, the judges again favored the organic bakers' decorations; a Luke Skywalker figure made out of fondant on top of a coconut cupcake with lemon curd filling and coconut-lemon butter cream frosting, Darth Vader's head on top of mint chocolate chip and fresh mint butter cream, and a marzipan Chewbacca's head on top of a cinnamon chocolate cupcake with a mocha latte frosting.
Again, the Doctor was complemented on his glowing decorations. Florian commented that most people don't like their food to glow and questioned whether it was truly edible. The Doctor took great pleasure in lecturing them on how phosphoresce is a naturally occurring process caused by oxidation of phosphorus such as in sea water or generated by animals such as glow worms. He assured them it was perfectly safe.
"Honestly, you could lick it off an underground cavern wall and it wouldn't hurt you one bit. Might not taste, well good, but definitely won't hurt you, probably." The judges may have winced except for the guest judge who was a bit of a science fiction geek and loved the Doctor's decorations and explanation.
After the deliberation, Justin sent Le Meringue home and turned to the Doctor and Lucy. "Bakers, congratulations. You've reached the final round. Each of you must create a one thousand cupcake display, something that conveys the spirit of Star Wars. To aid you in this task, we will give you a master carpenter and four assistants. You've got two hours starting now!"
While Rose met with the baking assistants, the Doctor began instructing the carpenter to build an elaborate display with the millennium falcon as the table with layers of shelving make out of plexiglas and with a giant Star Wars sign in the back promoting the anniversary with a holographic image of princess Leia asking for Obi Wan's help continually playing against it. It would also have criss-crossed lit up light sabers over the top of the sign. While the carpenter built the display, the two hour round was filled with Rose and the Doctor running around overseeing the baking assistants and touching up the decorations as each cupcake was completed. Soon the carpenter was delivering the display which barely fit through the door. The Doctor's eyes lit up with geeky glee. "Oh yes!" he practically shouted, bouncing up and down as it was set up. Rose sighed and shook her head. "Figures he would geek out over Star Wars tech," she muttered, as the Doctor ran around the display making sure the light sabers glowed properly, the millennium falcon table was perfect and maybe sonicing a few things when no one was looking.
"Cupcake makers, for round three you were charged with creating a one thousand cupcake display for Star Wars' 35th anniversary." Justin announced, and then asked Lucy to explain her vision.
The organic bakers had a display that was R2D2 in the center with a sign over him proclaiming the 35th anniversary and two plexiglas towers of shelving holding their cupcakes. Lucy smiled brightly at Florian and explained her display focused more on the heart of Star Wars rather than the technical aspects of it. The Doctor turned and glared at her a bit.
The Doctor stepped forward and quickly explained how Star Wars was about hope and humanity. His display represents the brilliance of humanity and showed how this fantastic story inspired generations of humans to reach out to the stars. After he finished, there was a tension in the air. Lucy stepped forward.
"He cheated," she accused, glaring at him.
"What!" he gasped.
"He used some kind of weird device on the equipment. I saw him."
"Doctor?" Justin asked. "You want to tell us about it?"
Before he could say anything, one of his baking assistants rushed forward to defend him. Soon, an argument broke out. Rose ran up and grabbed his hand just in case they had to run. The Doctor shouted out that everyone needed to calm down and that's when the first cupcake was hurled through the air and landed on the Doctor's tie, before tumbling down and landing with a plop on his trainer clad foot. He looked up to a smirking Lucy. His baking assistant was quite outraged and picked up a cupcake and hurled it back at Lucy smacking her in the face. Soon, baking assistants on both sides were racing up and it was all out warfare. Cupcakes were flying through the air until the floor was a slippery layer of cake and butter cream. The judges tried to duck under the table. Justin was completely plastered with cake.
At the conclusion of the cupcake fight, which would live in infamy in the annals of food network history, and amidst the walls splatted with the remains of blue velvet and coconut cupcakes as well as a rain of cup cake remains falling from the ceiling, the Doctor let out a shrill whistle. Everyone stopped and stared at him, including a cake covered Rose Tyler who had bits of marzipan wookie stuck in her hair.
"Right, I think we've all made our point. So, let's cut to it shall we? Everyone whose an alien raise their hand," the Doctor asked, and raised his hand. Everyone just stared him and was silent. The only noise was the sound of cup cake remains dripping off the ceiling. "Oh, come on! We all know you're here. They say confession is good for the soul so… One more time, everyone whose an alien raise your hand. Come on you can do it," he said to them, raising his hand proudly in the air and grinning. Slowly and with great hesitation, several hands raised. Rose's jaw dropped a bit as Candace, two of the production staff, Justin, the guest judge and their two competitors all raised their hands.
"What, they're all aliens then?" Rose asked, as she absently flicked some frosting off her face.
The Doctor grinned and rocked back on his heels. "There now, that wasn't so hard was it." He looked at Florian. "What about you? Come on, everyone else has admitted it."
"I am a perfectly legal in this country," he declared, in his fabulous French accent.
The Doctor stared and then scratched his head pulling a piece of cake our of his hair, tasting it and wrinkling his nose in distaste. He turned back to Florian "Soooo, you're not an alien? Huh. Go figure. Are you sure you're not an alien?" He asked pulling out his glasses, wiping off spatters of frosting and walking closer to Florian as he slipped them on. Florian scowled at him.
"Are you asking to see my immigration papers?" Florian asked offended. He turned to the production crew. "This was not part of my contract. I don't have to put up with some gauche amateur questioning my integrity. I've had enough of this." He stood up and walked off stage as the Doctor soniced him. He held up the sonic to his face and then pocketed it. "Well, I'll be. Completely human that one. Although, rubbish taste in cupcakes," he said, shaking his head. He put his hands in his pockets and turned to the group of human looking aliens who were now staring at him.
"Right then! Now you lot, I'm here cause one of you has been a bit naughty. This is a Level Five planet which means none of you are suppose to be here. Personally, I can't blame you for wanting to be here after all humans are brilliant. So, whose been selling the alien tech? Well?"
One of the production assistants grabbed the guest judge and put a metal rod to his head. "Back off all of you or Roger here gets his head burnt off!"
"Easy there. No need for anyone to get hurt. I'm just here to have a chat with you," the Doctor said to the nervous alien. Suddenly, guest judge Roger, shimmered and the production assistant lost his grip as Roger turned into an iridescent blue alien with four tentacles instead of arms who quickly disarmed him and threw him to the ground shimmering back into Roger as he sat on top of him. Roger turned to the Doctor.
"Thank you for your assistance. My people have been trying to find this arms dealer for decades. He's sold advanced weaponry to several Level Five worlds all over the universe and caused enormous damage."
The Doctor grinned. "You're a Nixot aren't you?"
Roger smiled and nodded. "My people will take him back to our world where he will be tried for his crimes."
"What about Earth? What's he been sellin here?" Rose asked.
"I'm sorry, we're not sure. There was a shipment of Xinth that went missing recently. We suspect he may have been hiding them here."
Before anyone could say anything further, the alien mercenary shouted out, "I won't go back to Nixot!" He threw off alien Roger and hit his wrist watch and promptly melted into a puddle of red goo.
Roger sighed and looked down at the puddle. Another member of the television staff fainted while another collapsed into tears. Roger turned to the Doctor. "Look, I'll clean this up if you want to handle the rest of them. I only have authority over this one," he said, pointing to the red goo puddle.
"Riiiight," the Doctor acknowledged, before turning to the rest of the aliens who all stood around looking fearful.
"Now then, as for you lot, keep out of trouble. Don't be passing around alien tech. You follow the laws of this planet and don't muck up their progress and I don't have any objection to you continuing to do whatever it is you lot do here."
Rose kept looking back and forth between the goo and the other aliens all of whom assured the Doctor they just wanted to live quiet lives on Earth. She walked over to the Doctor.
"You're just gonna let them go?"
"Yep. They're not causing any harm. They're just people, Rose. Not really any different than anyone else here on Earth." She looked at them and saw how relieved they all looked. Lucy walked up to them and apologized for her behavior and hugged the Doctor. As the Doctor packed them up, Rose took a moment to talk to Lucy and found out that there was a war on her planet and her people scattered through the stars. She was refuge who just wanted a quiet place to live her life.
Back on the Tardis the Doctor was setting in new coordinates. "So, where we off to next?" Rose asked.
"Welll, thought I might run a scan for the Xinth."
"And?" Rose asked.
He grinned. "Secret underground lair beneath Grauman's Chinese Theatre." She laughed and he shouted, "Allonsy!"