a/n

Warning, This story contains: alcohol abuse, minor character death, major character death, depression, panic attacks, heavy language at points, and possible drug abuse.

Enjoy!

Well she was just 17, if you know what I mean

Words blared out of the speakers, each syllable louder then the last. Phil Lester kept turning up the volume, staring blankly in front of him.

The red letters on the clock read 11:56pm. In four minutes it would be midnight and another day would have passed. Another day the 26 year old would have spent alone.

Even though the music seemed to reach every corner of the room all Phil could feel was the emptiness of his apartment.

Well, it wasn't empty, but it certainly felt that way. Just like everyone else in the world Phil had a bed, TV, sofa, and the essentials.

It was just missing somthing.

Or someone.

Well my heart went boom, when I crossed that room.

Suddenly the volume stopped rising. He must've turned up the music as far as it would go.

Phil thought about how music was a lot like life. You just kept shuffling through until you hit your limit.

Suddenly a horrible sound ruined the moment. Things fell, someone stomped across the room, and then everything went quiet.

"You called? Hello? Shit…"muttered PJ as he unplugged the stereo from its socket "what the hell man? The neighbors are gonna kill you."

Phil just shrugged. He really didn't care.

11:59. One more minute and Phil would've been alone all day. 24 hours all by himself. Alone in a dark room with no comfort but the ghosts of what used to be. The realization hit him and he did all he could to fight back tears.

PJ frowned. He always felt so helpless when Phil was like this.

"I know it's hard. Death is…death sucks but I'm sure that he wouldn't want you to go on like this. There are so many of us here who still care about you, we're right in front of you but you choose to push us away."

Each word PJ said hit him like a dagger. He realized what a pain he was to everyone around him. His friends who were just trying to help and he was too selfish to even acknowledge their existence because he's rather sit in a room and feel sorry for himself.

Phil couldn't hold back the tears any longer. And as soon as he let that first tear escape it was like a dam had been broken

He cried by himself on the cold floor, and after a moment he felt PJ rubbing his back and soothing him.

"Shhhhh."

"I-I'm so sorry. I'm such a pain. It's just so hard."

PJ gave him such a pitiful look then thought for a moment.

"Phil listen. I will never know how hard this is for you, but if you tell me what you need then I'll be here for you. Christ Phil, he was my best friend in the entire world. But I know he would hate for you to sit here and cry. He'd want you to get on with your life and be happy. Chris wasn't…he wasn't that kind of guy."

For a moment all that could be heard were Phils sobs. Everything else seemed to silence itself while he drown in tears.

"Peej, I miss him so much. Why wasn't it me instead? It shouldn't have been him."

PJ froze as the thought hit him; what if Phil had died instead of Chris? What if it were Chris sitting here in the apartment crying about Phil? What if….it was just too much for him to imagine.

"Phil I would miss you so much if you left me. You've been my rock these past few years. Through thick and thin, remember? You stuck with me during some of the worst times of my life, so just know I'm here for you now."

Phil sighed and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. He felt himself starting to calm down.

"PJ...thank you."

He wrapped his arms around PJ, and buried his face in PJ's chest. He wanted to stay like this for a while.

"Can we listen to some music and just not talk for a while?"

PJ nodded, the leaned over to the cd player and hit the play button again. The soothing medley of Elvis once more filled the room.

Memories pressed between the pages of my mind.

It was so nice to not feel the weight of the world. To let the music drown out Phils pain, even if it was only for a moment. His mind almost went blank as the sadness seeped out of his body.

Phil sniffed a few times then got up and turned off the cd player. He could feel the absence of warmth once he left the safe spot on the floor.

"You look like you could use a pick me up. I know its late, but how about we go out for some dinner?"

"PJ its almost one in the morning by now."

PJ flashed him a small smile.

"They dont call me crazy for nothing. C'mon, theres a diner just up the road. Apparently they're open late. We can talk there."

Phil weighed his options for a moment. He could go to the diner and talk with PJ or sit alone in the apartment all night waiting for nothing.

"Why not. But this place better have a decent milkshake."

"Welcome to Essie's, please seat yourselves and we'll be with ya shortly."

A small woman who looked to be in her forties shouted this to PJ and Phil from the kitchen. The place was dead except for one man sitting in the corner and staring up at a TV screen.

PJ lead Phil to a booth by the window. For some reason they always had to sit by a window. PJ said anywhere else felt too suffocating and made him uncomfortable.

Phil quickly got lost in his own thoughts again. He stared at all the cars driving by and wondered why they were out at 1 am. Where were they going? He wondered if they lived in London or were just visiting. He could've thought all night until PJ's voice pulled him out of his daydream.

"Well?"

Phil blinked twice, and realized he was trapped since he had no clue what PJ was asking. He quickly glanced down at the menu.

"Hmmm….interesting…."

"Phil you are not reading the menu."

"Oh boy the fish looks delightful. I might have to order some."

"Phil they don't have fish here."

Busted.

Before Phil could try and justify his actions, he looked up and saw the most gorgeous man walking towards them.

He felt his cheeks get hot, and pulled the menu up further to shield his embarrassment.

The gorgeous boy stopped at their table. Phil noticed he had really cute curly hair that complimented his brown eyes. The boy looked tired and bored.

" Hi I'm Dan and I'll be serving you tonight. Can I get you something to drink?"

"Water please," muttered PJ as he grabbed his phone.

Phil couldn't believe PJ had just blown Dan off like that! What was he thinking? Here was the hottest guy ever to exist and…right PJ was straight.

" Umm I'll just have a Dr. Pepper."

"Okay then I'll be right back to take your orders."

Dan started to head back towards the kitchen. Phil felt extremely disappointed that Dan hadn't even given him a second glance. He had to do something quick before Dan was gone!

"Hey Dan! Could you possibly change it to the song to something a little older? Maybe the beetles? Sorry my friend PJ here said you take song requests."

PJ looked up in confusion. Phil knew he would pay for that lie later but it didn't matter because Dan had turned back around to the table.

"A beetles fan eh?"

"Nah. I mean I didn't used to be. My partner got me into the oldies a few years ago and once you go oldies you never go back."

Dan gave him a strange look and at first Phil couldn't figure out why.

"You're gay?"

Okay he was the world's biggest idiot. He barley even knew this kid, let alone (god forbid) if he was a homophobe.

Phil gave a slight nod then looked back down at his menu.

"Oh okay. I'll uh, I'll be right back with those drinks."

Phil turned back to a gaping PJ.

"Are you crazy?! How do you know he wasn't" PJ leaned in "ya know…a homophobe?"

Phil sighed, relieved PJ hasn't gotten angry about the whole song request thing.

"I have a feeling."

PJ leaned back in his seat and rolled his eyes.

"Fine just be careful. I don't want anyone to hurt you because of who you do or don't love."

There were bells on the hill.

Phil looked up as the sweet melody filled the diner. Dan had actually played the song for him! Maybe he wasn't so bad after all.

Yet Phil didn't get to enjoy the music for too long before it was interrupted by PJ.

"Phil we need to talk. I'm really worried about you. Did you even go into work today?"

Phil turned to look out the window again without responding.

"Phil how are you going to make money if you aren't working. I thought you loved the shop! You told me yourself that you wanted to keep it running forever. I mean business was great and you were happy."

"Yes I was happy. But since Chris died things havent been the same. It was always just the two of us and people loved him. It was our safe place and now I can't go near the place without thinking of him. Customers loved him and I can't run this on my own."

PJ grabbed Phils hand and gave it a quick, comforting squeeze.

"You don't have to do this alone. We're all here to help you. And if you wont accept help from us then you need to find someone who you trust. I know you can't do this on your own and I would hate to see you go bankrupt."

"I know I'm just not ready yet. Maybe in a few months I can put up a sign."

PJ looked like he was starting to get irritated with Phil.

"A few months isn't enough time Phil! You need to earn money to be able to afford a business. I know if someone isn't working with you that you aren't going to do it. Phil just cons-"

PJ cut himself off and turned back to his phone again.

"Man I gotta go. Bryony just texted me and said if I didn't get my arse home soon I'd be sleeping on the couch and well I really like my bed."

PJ quickly slid out of the booth and shuffled towards the door.

"We'll talk about this more later. Bye man!"

And as quickly as the door slammed, Phil was alone again. He was happy he drove separately because the streets were so much more lonely at night.

He looked over at the clock. 1:22. The same time he had received the call. The same time his world had been smashed into a million pieces.

Phil decided he needed to go home and get some sleep. He was about to just leave some money on the table and get out of there when he felt a soft hand on his shoulder.

"Is this seat taken?"