I have no idea when, or really how, this "walk-about" might happen, but I wanted to try to put down on paper why I think Jo has been acting the way she has, and why she needed this time to think. I think this whole season has done a good job of leading to this point, and I'm optimistic she'll figure it all out, though whether that happens before she gets to tell Zane, we'll just have to wait and see. Either way, I know these crazy kids will be happy eventually. I know not everyone has been enjoying their rollercoaster story, but I think the fight to get there only makes the eventual happy ending all the more sweet.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy.
Jo stepped into a clearing, spotted a sturdy log in the dappled sunlight, and sat down, lowering her backpack to the ground as she did. She opened it, first taking a few gulps of water from the canteen she'd brought, before pulling out the memory device Grace had been kind enough to lend her. Jo sighed as she looked at the device in her hands. I have to do this, she thought. I can't keep trying to blunder my way through this… this thing I have with Zane. He deserves better than that. She placed the instrument gingerly on her head and waited tensely.
She didn't have to wait long before she heard leaves cracking and Zane stepped out from behind a tree. She had expected it to be him, but she still felt her stomach begin tying itself in knots at the sight of him. What she hadn't expected, though, was his quick movement toward her, pulling her into his arms, and stroking her hair. She buried her face into his chest and gripped the back of his shirt tightly. He feels so real. She exhaled a loud sigh as she felt herself relax in his warmth.
Looking up at him she smiled. "You're only doing this because it's what I wanted."
He shook his head. "I'm not here to be what you want. I'm here to be what you need. Right now, they're the same thing."
She held onto him for a moment more, relishing the familiar feel of him, before she slowly let him go and sat back down. He sat beside her and tilted his head.
"So what are we here for?" he asked.
She raised her eyebrows slightly. "You don't know?"
"Of course I know," he said, smiling, "but you need to say it."
She sighed and nodded her head. Right. "We're here because I don't feel like I know what I want anymore. I thought I did, but now…" she trailed off, unsure of where to begin.
Zane leaned forward, chin in his hand, and grunted. "This all started on Founder's Day, didn't it." It wasn't a question.
"Yeah," she agreed. "I used to think I wanted to get married. Hell, I still think I want to get married. But apparently, whenever someone actually loves me enough to propose, I freak out." She looked at him sadly, "And I hurt them in the process. How can I lead you on, let you develop feelings for me, if I'll only end up hurting you again?"
"Little too late for that," Zane mumbled.
Jo's eyebrows knitted together as she turned her head quickly toward him. "What does that mean?"
"I've already fallen for you, Jo. And you know it. Despite all of the protesting and pushing away you've done, I've been trying harder and harder to get close to you."
She swallowed, and lowered her eyes. "But why me?" she asked, finally voicing the concern she'd been feeling since Fargo had told him the truth. "If you'd never known that we had been together before, would you have ever even looked twice at me?"
Zane raised an eyebrow and let his eyes wander over her. "Babe, I've been looking at you since the day we met."
She smirked and hit him playfully in the arm. "That's not what I meant."
Zane laughed. "Jo, there's only one other woman, besides you, who ever believed in me, even when I probably didn't deserve it." He paused for a second, thoughtful. "Especially when I didn't deserve it."
"Who?" she asked simply.
"My mother." He smiled, and she returned it, remembering how he would talk about his mother before. She guessed she really had known all along. He looked at her earnestly now. "Ever since Founder's Day, you've treated me in a way that no person in a position of authority has ever done before. Long before Fargo told me the truth, even before you threw that ring at me, I wanted to show you I deserved to be the guy you suddenly believed I could be. Learning the truth only made me want to try harder."
She smiled sadly at him, remembering the glimpses of her Zane she sometimes saw soon after they arrived in this new timeline. The way he'd come back after letting him go when he'd been blamed for crashing the sky cruiser. The visit to her bed in the infirmary. The way he'd come to her, instead of anyone else, when he'd suspected something of Dr. Grant.
She sighed loudly. "I still don't know why I can't commit. Damn it, Zane, I got so angry at you when you couldn't commit to me. I fell head-over-heels for you and was so hurt when you weren't ready to reciprocate." She shook her head, irritated at herself. "But then the tables get turned and look who's running away. I did it to you, the other me did it to Taggart..."
He stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. "Did Taggart actually propose to you?"
"He…Well…" she hesitated, trying to think. "He said he proposed."
"Yeah," said Zane, "but did he propose marriage?"
"I…" she looked at him, understanding dawning, "I don't know. He never said what his proposal was. I just assumed…" She laughed ruefully at herself. "I just assumed he'd asked me to marry him. A bit full of myself, aren't I?"
It was Zane's turn to hit her lightly on the arm. "You had turned down marriage before, and assumed you'd done it again. It's a reasonable assumption, but that doesn't mean it's true. So you can stop blaming yourself for something that you didn't do, and that may not have happened at all."
Jo nodded slowly. "Thanks." She leaned into him and rested her head on his shoulder. "This is nice," she said softly, "I wish I could talk to you this easily all of the time."
He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close. "You can, Jo Jo. You've just been too afraid."
"I know." She tilted her head to look up at him, and found his eyes already looking down at her. "So what now?" she asked.
"Now we just have one more question to answer. Why?"
"Why what?"
"When I proposed, why did you hesitate?"
She frowned and lowered her gaze. "I… I don't know."
"Yes you do, Jo. Think. You said we didn't work. Now, why?"
She felt her heart rate increase slightly as some of the old feelings of inadequacy returned to the surface. "I never felt like I could be myself around you," she whispered. "I never thought I was good enough, or smart enough, to keep up with you. I was afraid, eventually, you'd reject me." A thought hit her so hard that she swore she felt it physically. Her eyes widened. "I left you before you could leave me."
"Aha," he said, smiling, "Now we're getting somewhere." He leaned in closer to her. "And what about now? Are you still afraid I'll reject you? Still think you're not good enough or smart enough?" He played with a lock of her hair and she looked up at him, shyly. "No," she whispered. "No, I guess not."
"And why's that?" His smile was making her heart beat even faster, as she felt herself staring into his eyes.
"Because you believe in me. You think I'm smart," she said breathlessly, "and…and…"
"And amazing," he said before her lips melted into his. She leaned into him, as if she couldn't get close enough, and then, in the blink of an eye, he was gone.
She fell forward, scraping her arm lightly on the log where Zane had been only a moment before, but she barely noticed. She tore the device off of her head, shoved it into her backpack and took off running back to Eureka. Back to Zane. Before it was too late.