STANDARD LINES and in between
Written by ginny.
Tomoyo stared at Syaoran. She bit her lip and looked back at her hands ashamedly. She chided herself—she should not have stared at him. She should stop staring at him. She loved Sakura, she reminded herself. Ever since she was young, she loved Sakura—beautiful and fragile, strong and gentle Sakura.
Sakura, Sakura, Sakura.
But lately, Tomoyo wasn't so sure. She was beginning to be confused about the word 'love'. She loved Sakura, but she was no longer sure if she was in love with Sakura. The lines had seemed to blur and once she was on one side and now she was crossing over. Or perhaps she was never even in love with Sakura in the first place. Perhaps she had always just loved Sakura, never realized it, and would always love her in that same way.
She wasn't sure; the whole thinking process hurt her head.
She stole another glance at Syaoran.
And he—he—!
Tomoyo did not know what to do about him.
She did not love Syaoran. And she was not in love with him either. At least, that was what she told herself. She wasn't too sure about that either. She didn't even know when she started seeing him—really seeing him. She had always seen him, but she never saw him. Not in the way she was seeing him now, anyway.
Everything was just so confusing.
She wanted to stop thinking about it but the thoughts wouldn't leave her head.
"Daidouji," he interrupted her train of thoughts. He turned to her, the perpetual ghost of a scowl braced on his face. It turned upwards, into a bit of a trace of a smile. "I understand it now, thank you," he said, running over the math problem to her aloud so she could confirm its accuracy.
She heard but she wasn't really listening.
She didn't understand anything.
Why was his voice suddenly so attractive? Why could she suddenly sense his presence in a room? Why did her palms feel sweaty when she was near him? Why could she always recognize his scent? Why could she always detect that faint smile of his? Why was she always thinking about him? Why couldn't she get him out of her head?
"Is that right?" Syaoran asked, tilting his head up at hers. Dark, brown eyes stared at her with what seemed to be concern.
Tomoyo shook her head to shake him out of her thoughts.
"No? It's not correct?"
"No—no, it's correct," Tomoyo quickly interjected, her face flustered and cheeks pink. "That was the last problem," she stated. It was her polite way of asking him to leave. She was thankful to the gods that their study session was finally over.
Tomoyo wasn't sure how long she could stand this.
Sakura's happiness is my happiness, she reminded herself. She bit her lip doubtfully. Sakura's happiness is my happiness. Sakura's happiness is my happiness.
"Yes, I should go," Syaoran stood. He gathered his belongings together and Tomoyo glued her eyes to her fiddling fingers, mustering all the willpower she had to keep her eyes off of him.
"Ah yes, Tomoyo."
Tomoyo froze when she heard her name. She wanted to look up at him, but she didn't. She was afraid that if she met his eyes, she'd melt. And then she'd die—and she was pretty sure she wasn't ready to die yet.
Then again, maybe if she saw his face, an instant of supreme euphoria would overflow her and she'd be floating upon clouds and be happy among happy. Tomoyo thought about it and decided that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to die. She'd die happy at least.
"Yes?" Tomoyo's voice was small. She stood up slowly and swallowed, ready to lead him to the exit of her house. She decided that a little glance wouldn't hurt, so she lifted her head.
She decided that she could die.
Syaoran smiled and Tomoyo's heart stopped when she felt his hand enveloping hers.
"I wanted to tell you that I'm glad," he started. "I'm glad… that you are helping me." His eyes bored holes into hers and they were filled with an emotion that she vaguely recognized but couldn't quite place. She wondered to herself where she had seen that look before—for she was sure she had seen it before somewhere.
"Thank you," Syaoran said sincerely. He continued to stare at her and she could feel her cheeks heat up and her heart start up again, beating rapidly in her chest. Somehow it felt as if he was getting closer to her…
She had seen the look before.
Her eyes alighted when she recognized it.
Of course.
Tomoyo's mouth dropped into a small 'O'. She had seen people look at the ones they were in love with like that. She had seen many people give Sakura that look, including herself and Syaoran. She had seen that look before, but she had never seen someone look at her that way.
Loved ones… oh……..
Why was Syaoran looking at her like that?
Tomoyo's heart throbbed painfully.
Sakura's happiness is my happiness. Sakura's happiness is my happiness.
"I can't do this," Tomoyo whispered softly. Her knees felt weak and she could no longer stare back at him; she turned her eyes away from him.
He did not move, so Tomoyo pushed him away from her. Her hands placed squarely on his shoulders, placing back the gap between them, the gap that should be between them.
"If you can't do it, I can," Syaoran declared. She detected a hint of anger in his voice. Or was it… perhaps… love? For her?
This was all very confusing.
"No," Tomoyo uttered with finality. She could not let it happen.
Sakura's happiness is my happiness. Sakura's happiness is my happiness.
"If Sakura is happy, I am happy," Tomoyo stated aloud.
He gazed at her with an unreadable look. She felt something wet on her cheeks, she wasn't sure what they were until she tasted the salt on her tongue.
"I… we… can't do this."
Syaoran kissed her anyway.
The other day, Syaoran had been walking across the school with Sakura. He had liked Sakura for a while and had begun to love her. But he didn't think he was in love with her. He didn't think he was in love with her at all.
He thought he was in love with Tomoyo.
No—he knew he was in love with Tomoyo.
Syaoran told Sakura.
And she slapped him.
Before she smiled.
"Any good girlfriend is supposed to do that when their boyfriend is breaking up with them," Sakura smiled. There was no anger in her eyes, nor was there any sadness. Somehow, Syaoran had a feeling there wouldn't be any of those sorts of emotions, but he was relieved anyway.
"I wish you both much happiness," Sakura gave her blessings with another gentle smile and a ring of laughter.
"She's not in love with me," Syaoran said slowly.
Sakura smiled at him cryptically and Syaoran couldn't help but think how messed up the whole situation was. Sakura was not supposed to smile cryptically, Tomoyo was supposed to do that. And he was not supposed to be in love with Tomoyo, he was supposed to be in love with Sakura. And if what he thought Sakura was silently telling him, Tomoyo was supposed to be in love with Sakura, not him.
Everything was strange, but in a good way, he supposed.
Syaoran smiled back and thanked Sakura.
When he kissed her, Tomoyo lost her mind. She lost all sense of time and space and she felt like she was melting and soaring at the same time. She was sure she would have fallen, as both her legs and mind had turned into mush, but she felt a firm grip on what she thought was her back.
She told herself she was going to break off this kiss. She was going to stop this madness, this strangeness. This was not supposed to happen.
Sakura's happiness is my happiness, Sakura's happiness is my happiness.
As he kissed her, the only part of Tomoyo that had not melted under his touch vowed to put a foot down, gain some ground and stop the kiss. The kiss was not supposed to happen. It was wrong. It was going against everything that was right. She would stop this kiss…
….
Any minute now.
Now…
Now…
Surprisingly, the kiss ended. Tomoyo was disappointed when she realized it wasn't her.
Syaoran stared at her coolly and she turned into stutters.
"Y-you—not—right!" Tomoyo sputtered. She started to back away, but he already had a firm hold on her, his arms now encircled around her body. "This is not supposed to happen!" Tomoyo finally managed.
Her resolve almost broke when he said one word.
"Why?"
"Well—because," Tomoyo paused. Sakura's happiness is my happiness, Sakura's happiness is my happiness. "Sakura's happiness is my happiness."
Syaoran's chocolate eyes looked at her thoughtfully.
"You don't look very happy," he finally said.
Tomoyo frowned, and she opened her mouth to argue but he cut her off and spoke again.
"And do you really think Sakura is happy?"
"What do you mean? Of course she is," Tomoyo was utterly confused. She didn't understand his question. What did he mean? Of course Sakura was happy. Sakura was in love with Syaoran and Syaoran was in love with Sakura. Tomoyo told him so very informatively.
"Hn," Syaoran smiled strangely before answering. "Sakura is not in love with me. And I can't be in love with her if I'm in love with you."
"No, Sakura's in love with you," Tomoyo declared. She knew it. She knew it. Sakura was in love with Syaoran.
Syaoran continued to smile.
"Even if she was, do you really think she'd be happy knowing that she was the obstacle to your love?"
Tomoyo stared at him in astonishment.
"You love Sakura," Syaoran said. "But Sakura loves you too."
She stared at him silently, comprehending the words. They were simple words, and she supposed she always knew them but she never really understood them.
Sakura loved her too.
She still didn't understand it completely, but she was beginning to see the whole picture.
Tomoyo finally spoke.
"And you?" Tomoyo echoed weakly, the trembles in her body disappearing.
"I'm in love with you."
Tomoyo stared up at him. She could not look away.
"Oh," she gasped.
He kissed her again.
And this time, not a part of her argued.
A/N: A quick Tomoyo/Syaoran that was stuck in my mind. OOC, which I hate! But oh well.