Song: If You Were Gay
Beta:FirstLaugh-LastTears
Pairing: Draco/Harry
Harry rested against the headboard of his four-poster bed. "Aah." He sighed. "An afternoon alone with
my favorite book, 'Quidditch Teams of the Twentieth Century.' No roommate to bother me. How could it get any better than this?"
"Oh, hey Harry!"
Harry groaned and banged his head against the wall behind him. "Hi Ron." He grumbled sullenly.
"Hey Har, you'll never guess what happened to me in the Great Hall this morning. This guy was smiling at me and talking to me-"
"Oh yeah, that's very interesting." Harry sniped sarcastically.
"He was being real friendly," Ron confirmed. "And I think he was coming on to me. I think he might've thought I was gay!" He finished incredulously.
Harry gave a small cough to clear his throat. "So, uh why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. Did you finish that potion's essay?"
Ron stared at Harry intently. "Well gee you don't have to get all defensive about it…"
"I am NOT getting defensive!" Harry shouted, frustrated. "Look, why should I care about some gay you met, okay? I am trying," he emphasized, holding up his book. "To read."
"You know I didn't mean anything by it Harry, I just think it's something that we should be able to talk about!"
"I don't want to talk about it Ron. This conversation is over!"
"Yeah, but Harry-"
"OVER!" He went back to reading his book, doing his best to ignore Ron's presence.
"Well, okay, but, just so you know: if you were gay, that'd be okay."
Harry dropped his book. "Wha!"
"I mean, 'cause hey, I'd like you anyway. Because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say that I was gay." Ron's expression got a bit nervous and he added, "But I'm not gay."
Harry groaned. "Ron please, I am trying to read!" He picked up his book, but lowered it again when he felt Ron staring at him. "What?"
"If you were queer…"
Harry slapped his forehead with his palm. "Ah, Ron!"
"I'd still be here."
"Ron, I'm trying to read this book."
"Year after year…"
"Ya know what? Fine, I'll just go to the library instead!" Harry jumped up from his bed, left the dormitory and dashed down the stairs, shoving open the portrait.
He was maybe half way down the hall when he heard, just behind him, "Because you're dear to me!" Ron shouted after him.
"ARGH!" Harry roared and started to run, trying to get as far away from Ron as possible.
"And I know that you would accept me too!"
"I would?"
"If I told you today, 'Hey guess what? I'm gay!' But I'm not gay."
"Good for you now leave me alone!"
"I'm happy," Ron continued, as they passed Professor McGonagall who shouted something about not running in the halls. "Just being with you."
"Well I'm not all that happy with you at the moment!"
"So what should it matter to me, what you do in bed with guys?"
"RON, that is gross!" Hermione shouted as they passed her.
"No it's not!" He shouted back. "Harry, if you were gay, I'd shout HOORAY!"
Harry collapsed outside the Great Hall and groaned, "I am NOT listening!"
Ron knelt down next to him. "And here I'd stay."
Harry covered his ears with his hands. "La la la la la!"
Ron spoke louder, trying to make sure Harry could hear him over the la-las. "But I wouldn't get in your way!"
Harry slumped further down into the floor as he saw the rather large group of students now surrounding them.
"You can count on me to always be beside you every day, to tell you, 'It's okay. You were just born that way, and as they say, it's in your DNA. You're gay!"
"But I'm not gay!" Harry denied vehemently.
"If you were gay though." Ron mumbled.
"Fine! You're right! I'm gay. There you happy now? I'm queer as a three-dollar bill! Now will you leave me alone?"
"Who's your boyfriend?"
"AAAHHH!"
"Weasel, will you kindly stop torturing my boyfriend? I want him alert for tonight's activities." Draco sneered.
"Malfoy! No way!"
"Yes way!" Harry screamed. "Now goddamit leave me alone so I can finish this book! I've been trying to read it for the past two weeks! LEAVE. ME. ALONE!"
Ron glanced between them. "Which one of you is bottom?"
"ARGH!"
And thus Ronald Weasley found himself with a shaved head and a scorching case of herpes.
The End.