Love Hurts, by Remma.
Chapter 1.
His mother and his wife clutched at each other happily, Amira giggling gleefully as they waited for the appearance of the little blue line that would confirm that they were to be parents. The longest five minutes of his life. Of course, according to his mother, this was just a formality. Amira was over two weeks late, so of course she was pregnant. That's how the world worked. First marriage, then a family. It was right. It was proper. It was to be expected.
Syed knew that for his mother, this was the proof that she had been right to push him into the marriage. Proof that the marriage was working. Proof that her son was happy.
Never mind that he had to force himself to get up in the morning. Never mind that every time he touched Amira he felt sick, and ill, and lost. Never mind that he could never live up to her expectations, especially after the first time they'd made love - no, not love. It could never be love with her. It was sex. An act, nothing more. The first time he'd had sex with Amira, he had been on fire, angry at her for kissing another man. Angry at his mother for pushing and pushing, and refusing to understand. Angry at Christian for knowing the truth. Angry at Christian for his pity. Angry at Christian for moving on. Angry at Christian.
How had Christian even known that he had failed so completely on the honeymoon. Who had told him that the marriage was unconsummated? He had been so angry, yet all he had wanted to do was grab Christian, push him back against the wall and kiss him into oblivion. He had dug his nails into his palms to keep his hands from caressing that perfect body. Forced himself to anger to wipe out the love. Angry even more when it didn't work and he still wanted Christian. Wanted him so much that he couldn't breathe, and he was so angry.
So he had sex with Amira, out of anger and desire for Christian. Then afterwards, he ran back to Christian, eager to throw his sympathy back in his face, only to hear that Christian hadn't moved on at all. That Christian still loved him. And still he had to walk away. It nearly killed him, but he had no choice. He had taken Amira's most precious possession; her virginity. He had a responsibility to her now. They would have a baby and they would be happy. He could do it. He had to let Christian go and commit to his wife. He had to.
So now, here they were, waiting. This was what he wanted, right? The perfect family. His mother's approval. His wife's happiness. This was what he had sacrificed so much for. This was why he had given up Christian. Syed was terrified.
"Is it time yet? It's been five minutes, hasn't it?" Amira stroked his arm, her eyes alight with joy.
"Come Amira, bring it to us so that we can start celebrating." His mother's smile was so bright it burned his eyes.
He fixed a smile to his face as he took Amira's hand. "Yes, why don't you go and get it. It's time."
Amira hugged him as she jumped up and ran upstairs to the bathroom. He expected an excited scream, but there was nothing, then her slow tread down the stairs. He knew the second he saw her face that there was no baby. He could see the tears in her eyes and knew he should go to her, hold her, but he couldn't. Instead it was his mother who offered comfort.
They clung together and cried, his mother and his wife, and he so wanted to care. He wanted to hurt too. He wanted to join in the hug. Instead, he got up and got his jacket.
"Syed, where are you going? Your wife needs you now."
His mother reached for him, but he pulled his arm away, muttering, "nowhere, just out for a walk to clear my head," as he left the house.
He wandered around the square aimlessly, his thoughts in turmoil. This was what had wanted, wasn't it? Everything he had done had been aimed at having a baby. Every time he forced himself to have sex with his wife, it was for this. This baby that would make everything right. A pregnant Amira would let him off the hook. He wouldn't have to touch her anymore. He should be devastated that the test had proved negative, so why was it that all he felt was relief?
He gasped as he realised where his feet had brought him. But then, maybe this was where he had been coming all along. He should go home, back to his wife. Back to the safety of his marriage. But he didn't. Instead, he stood outside the blue door and rang the bell.