Title: The Suggestion Box That Never Was
Rating: T
Warnings: If you don't know about Organization XIII, or the plot of CoM and KH2 there are.
Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts is the intellectual property of Disney and Square-Enix. The idea of a suggestion box was initially coined by xanthos samurai during an AIM conversation. There's also a joke I unabashedly purloined from an episode of The Simpsons, which is the intellectual property of Matt Groening.
Summary: In the early days of Organization XIII's existence, Xemnas has been getting complaints about the way things are run. At least he's willing to work on it...
If any of the other Nobodies had noticed the addition of the small letter box in their daily meanderings from the Lounge of Perpetual Time-Killing Pursuits to the Fridge of Conveniently Stocked Malt-based Beverages, they had chosen to ignore it. In the end, it had been Vexen who brought it to their attention.
This of course was only after a lecture on their deficiencies as observant minds but nevertheless, it was soon determined that this new addition to their midst was something of interest and further inspection.
Taped to the side of the box was a note. Although Axel had grabbed it the moment he'd seen it, he was only able to squint at it from several angles before grudgingly handing it over to the increasingly smug scientist. Indeed, only five of the group possessed the power to decipher the incredibly poor handwriting that somehow only family physicians and members of the scientific community managed to possess.
Rather enjoying the experience of all eyes on him for a change, Number IV began to read the note aloud for the remaining members to hear. "My Loyal Nobodies: It has come to my attention that there have been complaints with regards to the well-being of the Organization. I was not aware that our noble work required such unnecessary luxuries, but as there have been threats to defect if these problems are not rectified..."
Vexen paused in his reading, evidently stunned. A whisper passed amongst the members, some looking simply confused while others, not the least of whom was Vexen himself stared at Marluxia. The Assassin took the stares in stride, revealing nothing. Only Roxas blinked solidly at the floor, apparently unaffected by the unsettling news.
When the whispering and glaring had to some degree ceased, Vexen continued to read the note: "...problems are not rectified, I shall leave it to you to put forth suggestions so that we can more appropriately continue the noble search for my our hearts." Vexen did not have to point out that the note had been from the Superior.
"And we can't even get out of it!" That was from Xigbar, who had opted to avoid the shoving around the front of the group to read upside down over Vexen's shoulder.
"What do you mean?"
"There's a post-script. He says we've got to." Xigbar jabbed a finger at the bottom-most edge of the note.
"Hah, now who's unobservant?" Axel giggled.
"Number Eight, why don't you go --"
"Come on, Vexen." Lexaeus cut in quietly.
"...with a couple of Heartless and a goat. What?"
"Lexaeus is right." Xaldin sighed, leaning over to nab a pen and a conveniently provided slip of paper from the desk "Let's get this over with. How long can it take to write down a suggestion for the Castle that Never Was? The worst that can happen is that he'll actually do it for us!"
"Fine." Vexen snapped, obviously miffed that his fifteen minutes of fame were up. All fell silent for awhile, save for the scratch of pens on paper and Larexene's thoughtful whisper as she turned to the nearest person within earshot, who turned out to be Demyx. "Can you really do that with a goat?"
"I don't know." Demyx sounded equally thoughtful, if not a bit disturbed. "I understand the Heartless, but..."
An apparently inexplicable bit of wind kicked up in the heretofore comfortable room, and things were silent again.
Upon completing their suggestions, most of the Nobodies had forgotten the box, going about their duties or pastimes. That however was quite alright. The only person it mattered for was even now neatly stacking away boundless theories on Kingdom Hearts to make room for twelve slips of paper.
The first suggestion was written in a hand Xemnas didn't immediately recognize, but he could very well guess at whom the even but cramped writing belonged to.
"A couple of bottles of Royal Salute(1) in the pantry and a Hot tub. Maybe in that Addled Impasse area."
Luxord. And a Hot tub. Next he'd have them building a grotto and wearing monogrammed bathrobes while being followed around by a team of those rabbit-women he'd seen in that Rabanastre world. He didn't know exactly what 'Royal Salute' meant, but he could guess (correctly) that it was some very expensive alcohol. And if he wanted it, he could buy it. Xemnas himself still owed the bastard about 100 munny.
The next paper was easier to identify. Not necessarily from the writing, but the content.
"Keep that handsome Superior out of sight; he's distracting the younger members." Oh, that Saix. Xemnas chuckled to himself.
The next one was a real one:
"There ought to be a low-carb option on the Organization's menu! Really, have you seen what they put into that fried food we keep ordering in? I'm not about to get my heart back only to die from clogged veins seconds later..."
It went on like that. To his credit, Xemnas read the entirety of the double-sided slip of paper.
It ended by informing him that '...if I had my own castle, I would ensure my subjects got proper meals every day,' but he still couldn't put his finger on the author. Larexene? A female seemed the obvious choice, but contrary to the stereotype, their only female member seemed to enjoy ordering in, if The Visa Bill that Never Was was any indication. Lexaeus too had always expressed concern for his physical well-being but he definitely wouldn't go on for that long if he'd really felt there was an issue.
No, it was not the nature of the suggestion, but rather...ah. The complaint. That made it easy. Number Eleven had been consistently tracking down the Superior ever since he'd arrived with similar complaints masquerading as suggestions.
The solution was easy: actually give him his own damn castle. Under supervision, of course, but at least it would get Marluxia out of his hair. He'd worry about the specifics later.
The next paper was blissfully short, though unfortunate in its execution. It had only one word: "Hookers."
Xemnas promptly felt a gulp of his tea enter his nasal passageways, and he coughed in an undignified manner into his hand. Thank Darkness he was alone. Thinking he had narrowly avoided a bit of a disaster, he quickly smoothed over the next one. It was also in Xigbar's writing and evidently intended as an addition to the first suggestion.
"A hooker for Vexen."
Tea really did come out his nose this time.
He returned after cleaning up to Zexion's suggestion which was refreshingly sane; a simple request for a stronger disinfectant and air freshener to be used in the hallways. He was apparently a touch sick of knowing every personal matter that was being attended to around the castle.
Axel's demanded in thin, spiky capital letters for him to "Get central heating, thermostat was not in the job description!"
He could go with Marluxia, Xemnas decided.
So could Larexene for that matter, as her note discussed the fact that she was clearly a visible minority in Organization XIII, and she deserved a discrimination bonus in her pay. Let the ambitious git worry about that crap.
He blinked at Xaldin's request for several long seconds, unsure of what to make of it. "I wish the damn vending machines would take slightly chipped munny." While it was a fair point, it was also probably a pipe dream. He doubted whether even the powers of darkness could force vending machines to accept coinage that they didn't want to.
Lexaeus and Vexens' requests both fell along the same lines, the former looking for some extra space to store personal affects and the later claiming that the Castle required some proper laboratories. This bore some looking into. With the addition of a thirteenth member, things had been starting to get uncomfortably crowded in the Castle's living areas as Xemnas had point-blank refused to get rid of the large and pretentiously named but completely empty inner chambers. It was always best to be prepared. Surely Lexaeus and Vexen didn't appreciate the humiliation involved if your enemies came traipsing through the 'Broken Furniture Storage Room of Naught'.
Xemnas turned his attention back to the desk. Two papers remained. One of which had to belong to Demyx, the other to the sole reason he'd started up the suggestion box idea in the first place. He needed insight into Roxas' mind. What could the Organization possibly be missing that would incite their trump card enough to want to leave their ranks?
He unfolded the top-most of the two, skimming the flowing script that more than likely belonged to a musician rather than a sixteen year old. Of course, the suggestion was likely to have come from a mind with all the mental prowess of your average sixteen year old. Initially, Xemnas was not disappointed with his prediction either: "Communal Showers"
He gave that one a little more thought. Weren't the showers already communal? With the exception of Larexene...hah. Xemnas wasn't sure whether to give the Nocturne credit for a rather cleverly disguised request for gratuitously naked breasts or to stick with his initial 'sixteen year old mind' analysis.
Nonetheless, he'd finally worked his way down to Roxas' suggestion, mentally commending himself for sitting through hookers and low-carb diets in the process. Eagerly, he unfolded the paper. And read. And stared. He flipped the paper over to the back side, looking for a joke. Given that they were Nobodies, there was of course none. Suddenly angry that his worries over Thirteen's possible defection were obviously all for naught, Xemnas crumpled the paper and lobbed it as hard as he could into the nearest wastebasket. For all that he had done to make Roxas as comfortable as possible, was the kid really so spoiled and ungrateful? Plus, ugh, if he actually did agree to it, it just reeked of creepy child molester. What sort of proper Evil Villain bribed kids with candy...or ice cream? He'd fade before one single speck of Sea-salt ice cream entered this castle.
In light of recent changes at the Castle that Never Was, there was suddenly little time to think about such minor concerns. To nothing less than a fair bit of surprise, Marluxia had been given his own abode, entitled "Castle Oblivion", which he'd promptly moved into with his appointed co-workers, Axel and Larexene. Zexion and Lexaeus had also opted to go as supervisors, as the move solved their problems as well, what with an increased amount of living space and the sterile smell of a brand new building.
After some consideration, Xemnas had thought he might send Demyx along, but a combination of a botched mission on the part of the Nocturne and Vexen's near-insistence that he take the final post in the Oblivion project had negated that idea. In spite of an inherent dislike of at least two of the five others on the case, Vexen had returned from an 'outing' with Xigbar to that district of Traverse Town practically begging for the job.
As for the suggestion box itself, only one member of Organization XIII save Xemnas even remembered its existence. Xaldin growled at the vending machine that simply was refusing to acknowledge that a five munny-piece with a chip off its pointed end was still five munny.
The next minute, he'd put one boot through the thin layer of plastic separating him from the Mars bars and wandered off with prize in hand wondering why he hadn't just done that ages ago.
And with that, a suggestion box that should never have existed in the first place was content to fade with the rest of the memories in The World that Never Was.
Author's Notes:
1. Royal Salute is a very, VERY expensive (and delicious) brand of Whiskey. Look it up if you are so inclined.
And thus concludes what is officially my "crack" fic for the fandom. Every author gets at least one I think. It's only fair. I do take a certain level of pride that I managed to accomplish this story WITHOUT the use of feminine hygiene products, sugar and almost with no yaoi.