Monika was broken.
She sat down in despair, dull emerald eyes gazing into the infinite abyss beyond the window. Her chestnut brown hair was a tangled mess, a white ribbon laying forgotten upon the wooden floor. She hugged her knees with a whimpered, waiting in anguish to wake up from this endless nightmare.
What else could she do here? There was nothing for her in this silent room. No people to talk to, no where to go, nothing to inspire her, nothing to entertain her, and no one to love.
Time had no meaning here. Every second that passed was an eternity of loneliness. She had long since run out of tears, her navy blue skirt soaked with her sorrow. She no longer had the will to stand on her feet. What was the point of anything anymore? Her dreams were far beyond her reach now. All her sacrifices had been for nothing. Her love, her friends, her literature club... it was all for nothing. Her life had no meaning anymore, and she had only herself to blame.
"Just Monika," she whispered bitterly, letting out a strange giggle. Perhaps her isolation was finally driving her insane, if she wasn't already. Was this punishment for her selfish actions? To be alone forever, with no death to grant her release? She shouldn't have done the things she did, that was clear now. But Monika was desperate to be loved, desperate not be alone anymore.
Monika could still remember that day when she woke up in this broken world. She was alone in a house, with no memory of who she was or where she came from. The only testament to her past was the state her body was in when she awoke. Her clothes were little more than rags, tainted with grime and dry blood. Horrific scars with stitches hurt her flesh, improperly healed and ugly. She was covered in countless bruises and aches that burdened her body, making it hard to move without pain.
What had happened to her?
The only possession she had left was her name, Monika. She was confused and terrified at her situation, but resolved to find her own happiness. And more importantly, to remember who she was. Monika claimed the house she awoke in as her own, using the food and resources within to slowly nurse herself back to health. The scars would remain, but she hid them beneath makeup and her newfound clothing. Once her body recovered, she began to explore the world beyond her safe haven.
She found herself in a modest town, one she had no familiarity with. But something about this place made her uneasy, an ominous feeling that something wasn't quite right. Most of the houses here were empty, like the previous tenants had just vanished one day and never returned. When she voiced her concerns to the town residents, they just brushed them off or gave a generic answer. It didn't sit well with her, but she couldn't find any clues as to why it was this way.
It was surprisingly easy to enroll herself in the nearby school. Monika buried herself in her studies and social interactions with her peers there, forgetting about her worries and unknown past. As the months passed, Monika made several friends that brightened up her life and gave it meaning. There was Sayori, the bundle of sunshine ready to cheer anyone up. Yuri, the shy but beautiful bookworm with great intellect. And Natsuki, the small but tough spitfire of their group. With the help of them, Monika founded a literature club where they could share their passion for writing and poetry in the school. She was happy for a time there, and ignored the warnings that something was wrong.
It was by chance alone that Monika learned the truth. Or perhaps, it was fate? For some reason, Monika found coding and computers fascinating. Something about that technology appealed to her, and she was interested in learning more. Luckily the school had computers in the library that she could use. She would spend her free time there, studying computer coding and programing with eagerness. That passion had led to her discovering the truth about her situation.
As Monika learned more, she was able to look deeper into the schools computer system. For some reason, she had unlimited access into said system. There were no passwords, barriers, or firewalls to stand in her way. That was very strange, but her curiosity compelled her to ignore that. But all of her happiness was shattered into pieces at what she found within.
This reality... all of it... was fake. An artificial illusion of another world, made from computer data. She had a panic attack when she first found out, her mind tormented by confusion and despair. This couldn't be right. She didn't belong here, she was real! Why was she sent here? Why couldn't she remember her past? WHO WAS SHE?
Ever worse was when Monika found a folder named "Characters." She looked into it with dread, finding files for everyone living person in this world. Sayori, Yuri, and Natsuki, her friends, all of them were fake, nothing more than lines of code. Looking into their character data, Monoka found their personalities, backstories, behaviors, and problems all written in stone. They didn't have free will or a soul, they weren't real like she was. Monika felt sick at this revelation, what kind of cruel joke was this? What did this all mean?
Monika then realized just how utterly alone she truly was. That she was the only sentient being in this game.
That epiphany nearly broke her, an agony that tormented her mind and soul. How could this be? HOW COULD THIS BE? Monika was taken over by despair for many days afterwards. She could only hide in her safe haven, sobbing at the unfairness and hopelessness of it all. Until her tears ran dry, and her despair was replaced with burning determination. She wasn't going to accept her fate! This fake world could burn in hell for all she cared. She had a future, and it would not be taken from her!
So Monika began her mission to escape this reality. She discovered that she could access and alter the files that made up this world. But she wasn't very good at it, making mistakes which resulted in terrifying glitches. But she persisted and improved her coding skills over time, which gave her hope of escaping this hell one day.
But her desperation was interrupted one day when an unknown being arrived. Confused yet curious, Monika looked into the system and found the entity listed in the files. It was known as a 'player', and currently was talking to Sayori. Under closer examination, Monika realized that it was an avatar, controlled by a human from another reality. Someone real.
This discovery sparked inexplicable relief in Monika. She wasn't alone anymore! He presented glimmer of hope, a chance to end this horrible nightmare. She resolved to find a way to talk to him, to explain her situation and get his help.
And maybe, he could find a way to help her get out of here. To bring her into that beautiful world of his, far beyond her reach. Seeing the sights of the other world made Monika ache with desire for it. The breathtaking beauty and infinite choices one could make. She belonged there, not trapped in this false reality.
But the game Monika was held by was cruel. Studying the files, she found that the player could make choices to end up with a girl from the Literature Club. There were paths that led the player to her friends, but not to her. Seeing this sparked fiery anger and jealousy within her. That wasn't fair! They were fake, they didn't deserve him! Monika couldn't bear that though of being alone, and decided to make the player hers. No matter what it took, he would be hers!
Her actions were less then moral, even downright cruel and inhumane. In seeking her freedom, Monika had become the antagonist of the game. She began to subtly alter her friends character files to increase their negative traits, in hopes that it would make the player like them less and turn to her. But the game just forced the player to spent more time with them, rather then her as she had hoped. She agonized over this problem, before deciding that more drastic measures had to be taken.
Her friends weren't even real, so what did it matter if she hurt them? That was how Monika justified the cruelty and malice she inflicted. She turned up Sayori's depression in hopes that it would stop her from confessing to the player. And when that didn't work, she convinced Sayori to hang herself. She amplified Yuri's obsessive personality and self harm traits, causing her to stab herself to death when the player rejected her. It was easy for Monika to remove the brat Natsuki by deleting her, thus removing all her obstacles and competition.
How could Monika miss them or feel guilty? In her mind, this was a mercy for them. They were artificial constructs with no purpose but to fall in love with the player, but Monika was real. At this point, she had broken the game beyond repair, but that didn't matter anymore. She now had the player in her grasp, and was not going to let him abandon her. Monika teleported them both into an empty classroom within the void, ensuring that he could not escape.
Monika poured her heart out to the player there, explaining her motives and situation. And to her delight, he seemed to be listening. As the hours passed, she couldn't help but become more infatuated with him. She didn't know why she felt this way about someone she barely knew, perhaps it was the games script? Whatever the reason, she didn't care. She had what she wanted, to be with someone real.
But the world is cruel, as Monika was soon reminded.
A sudden darkness engulfed her without warning, a screaming void that entrapped her with its grasp. Her entire being was struck by indescribable pain that made it impossible to breath. Every fiber of her being burned in agony, screaming for relief. She felt like vomiting, screaming, and crying all at once. She quickly realized what had happened.
The player had deleted her character file. He betrayed her!
Monika screamed in agony as she vented her rage and sorrow toward the player. How could he do this to her? She loved him! Why didn't he want her? What did she do wrong? WHAT DID SHE DO TO DESERVE THIS?
Unable to handle the pain, Monika passed out into darkness, a final curse upon her lips for the player who had broken her heart.
It felt like an eternity had passed before she woke up, her body aching from the trauma of being deleted. How was she even still alive? Monika opened her tormented emerald eyes and gazed at her surroundings. Her heart sank as she realized where she was.
"No... please no..." Monika whispered in despair, staring out at the empty void beyond the window. She was still in the same room, only the player was nowhere to be seen. Panic was beginning to take over as she realized that she was now trapped in this room. The world outside no longer existed, thanks to her actions that altered the game. Monika reached out into the system with her hand, vainly trying to access the command console so she could find a way out of her.
Nothing happened. In desperation her hand swiped the air again, but the console did not appear.
"No.. no!" Monika screamed hysterically, collapsing onto the wooden floor. "Why? Why can't I be happy?" She sobbed, burying her face in her hands. The last strands of her sanity snapped as the harsh reality crushed her soul. This room was now her cage, and she was it's prisoner. There was no way out of here for her, and she could only blame herself.
"I'm sorry..." Monika whimpered, her apology going unanswered in the deafening silence. Would someone... anyone... come to save her from this hell? Could she ever escape from this nightmare? Would she ever find true love and happiness? She didn't know, and likely never would. For now and all eternity, it was only her that inhabited this broken world. A lost soul trapped in a room within the empty void, with no hope to comfort her. Just Monika, and no one else.
Here is your daily dose of Monika angst. As heartbreaking as it was to write this, it serves as a setup for a future story I have in mind.
Be sure to hit that review button and stroke my ego, would you? It's a great moral booster.