A/N: I have no idea what I was thinking when I came up with this idea. Multiple breakings of the Fourth Wall, weird things in general... I think when I write something like a crack fic, it's not actually supposed to be funny, it's just supposed to be so weird that you stare at it in shock after you finish reading and then stare at it in some more, perhaps reread some parts in utter disbelief at the weirdness, and then perhaps burst out into incredulous laughter. That's what I do anyway... Actual attempts at humor are, oddly enough, in my more serious stories.

All Those Times Ed Went to Hogwarts

Al sighed, staring out the window with his soul crimson eyes. It was just so hard when he was gone, when he couldn't see his older brother for so long. It was always for a year, it was always Mustang's fault, and he always went to some stupid magic school called Hogwarts.

Okay, maybe it wasn't "stupid," but after so many times with the same plot occuring over and over again, he got a bit tired of it.

He should've been delighted that they were getting this chance at the Philosopher's Stone. After all, there were some particularly enticing rumors about it in that particular school. But why, why when this happened every damn time, did Al have to be left behind (he looked too conspicuous! A walking, talking, suit of armor! Come on, it's a school of magic), and why every damn time did Ed act so resigned and leave without him? It was almost as if...

As if there was some kind of dreaded plot device behind their every action.

And for some reason, this "plot device," wanted Al to stay in Amestris.

... He hated these kinds of things.

⁂ ⁂ ⁂

Ed sighed. It seemed like he was always doing that, sighing while looking out some window. But he missed Al. He missed Amestris. Hell, he even missed that Colonel Bastard –

He paused, considered what he was thinking for a moment, and then decided he had gone insane somewhere along the train ride.

Well, it couldn't be helped. This was a place where magic existed after all, so it was doubtless that there was something that had caused so many people to go insane. Maybe some kind of alchemy that altered the brain, triggered a switch that caused hallucinations? Or –

Suddenly, a chocolate frog jumped onto the outside of the window he was looking out of, and his eyes widened.

Hallucinations indeed.

And yet, he had the oddest feeling that he already knew how this was going to play out, that somehow he was going to present his own rational, logical thinking to this "wizards," and finally, they would understand that he was a genius and damn it, they were going to cower beneath his might while he determinedly searched for the Philosopher's Stone in a heroic quest that would somehow turn out perfectly –

He briefly wondered where all those thoughts were coming from. Maybe magic had messed with his brain more than he thought.

⁂ ⁂ ⁂

Roy Mustang frowned at he looked at the pile of paperwork. That too, was something authors – ehm, mysterious omnipresent god-like figure that none within this story actually know about – tended to force upon him. Apparently, it was fun to watch the misery of others, and it was even more fun to torture the most charming, magnificent, Roy Mustang.

Of course, if you were actually trying for flattery, you would have hidden your sarcasm better.

But since poor Colonel Mustang wasn't quick enough to get back to his work, his "queen," Riza Hawkeye, was forced to step in.

"Sir, do your paperwork."

The gun was inevitably lifted.

The paperwork was inevitably pursued by a suddenly eager Roy Mustang.

⁂ ⁂ ⁂

And of course, the last part of the scene, that Edward Elric had so helpfully alluded to: the happy ending.

Why, let's see, there are so many ways this could play out. Of course, we must kill off a character; endings are no good without some death. It seems to be a habit of some authors to kill off poor Alphonse... but let's not do that, that's getting a bit cliche. Fred already died in canon, so it would just be boring if we followed that...

How about we just come up with a happy ending alright? No one died*. The end.

⁂ ⁂ ⁂

Footnotes:
*Except Voldemort. But you know, no one cares about Voldemort.