Unremembered emptiness
Author's Note: A sort of experiment...I don't know. For some strange [and cruel] reason I can't seem to work on B.I III right now. I thought it might be because I couldn't concentrate on having such a long, continuous plot line, so... [being my lazy self...] I decided to try this diary format story. Let's just say this is original... maybe hard to follow, I don't know. Anyway... read, enjoy, and of course review if you'd like this to EVER be continued. Ja!
Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon or any of it's supporting characters. I do, however, own this fic and it's original theme. -^^-
Warnings: Diary format. Emotional and angst themes, mature issues as well. I won't say who's writing... Be mature when reading this, please, I won't accept flames.
Help! My Quotes and Commas (,) Are Screwed Up!: If your quotes and commas (,) look like i's, ~'s, or O's, you'll need to change your browser. If you're using Netscape or M. Internet Explorer, just go into your pull-down menus at the top of the screen and select Character Set ' (Font ). Open it and select Western (Mac)'. This is the font the story is in. If this doesn't solve the problem, ask me in reviews.
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Nov.26.06
I did it again, today. Again. It wasn't so bad though, it didn't hurt so much. And it only bled a little, just on my wrists from when I cut too deep. I can barely feel it anymore, and the bleeding's stopped. It just sort of throbs, hurts. But in some ways I welcome the pain. Then I don't have to think about the hell my mind's going through.
The blood's starting to dry into those thick scars now. I'll have to open them again and put the cloth on sooner this time, so at least that way no one will see them so plainly. Ja.
Nov.28.06
I'm sorry about that last entry. It really didn't hurt as bad as I wrote. The cuts are starting to heal anyway. I've only glad that it's winter here, or close to winter anyway, so I can wear long sleeves and gloves and all that stuff. I'm really a coward, complaining like that. Oh well. Ja.
Nov.29.06
School today. It was pretty boring, as usual. I got a C on my algebra test. Everyone wants to know what's wrong. I used to like algebra. Now I just use the time to sit and think, and feel sorry for myself when I get home, and think of excuses why I didn't have the time to study like I used to. I'm just slacking off, I told them. No one really laughed. Sometimes I think Takeru worries about me. He always did.
I wish he'd stop it. It's not like he could save me. Be my hero like it was when we were little children.
I got close to telling him that once. To back off, to keep his distance like the others. It just seems, sometimes, like he's always closer, like he knows things the others don't ever see.
I guess that's my fault, isn't it? I always let him see.
Ja.
Nov.30.06
Oi. Gym today. I'm lucky we have to wear sweatshirts and bloomers* now, instead of t-shirts and shorts. Like I said, lucky. No one saw my wrists today.
I think I actually enjoyed myself today. No one bugged me about anything. Except, well, Davis-kun. But that's a different thing, isn't it? No, really. I didn't stay after school for the soccer game though. I suppose that's the only thing I let down. Ja.
Dec.2.06
It's Friday. Sorry I didn't write. No school tomorrow either. And my week was okay. Better, even, then it was earlier, I suppose. I don't cry as much, as long as I don't think. And I haven't seen him either. And I have to wait for my wrists to heal back before I can cut them again.
As long as I don't think about it so much.
Dec.3.06
Takeru called today. I almost hung up on him. I told him I was sick instead. That's easy to believe, I get sick so often. Both real and unreal.
I cried most of last night, so now I have that sort of headache you get from lack of sleep and loss of blood. I didn't bother to wait until my wrists healed either. So now I have to start the thing about hiding them all over again. I think I went to bed around four, and then woke up by six. Maybe I really was sick when Takeru called. I feel that way.
I haven't seen him though. I don't think I will. Maybe he'll stop.
Dec.4.06
Sunday. I got my algebra homework done this time. Taichi's out with Sora tonight.
Dec.8.06
Sorry I didn't feel like writing that much lately. Nothing new happened really. I didn't do anything. The week was okay. I failed my social studies exam though.
This time I didn't let anyone find out about my grade. Takeru got an 89. Davis got a 27. He hates social studies.
I told them I got a 96. Takeru congratulated me, and Davis sighed the way he always does when he's left out. Miyako nearly fainted because my lied about score was almost higher then hers.
I laughed along with them too. Maybe I'm starting to go back to normal.
Dec.8.06
Kaa-san said I go visit Dad tomorrow. I cut my wrists again. I don't care if they ever heal.
Dec.9.06
Daddy was late picking me up, like he always is. I'm writing this in his car. I only have to stay the weekend this time. Taichi isn't coming.
We're there.
Dec.14.06
My wrists are all raw now. They're infected too, both of them, and I'm having a really hard time writing at all without whimpering. I can't find any bandages big enough so I'm using an old cloth I ripped into strips. It sort of aches, but doesn't hurt anymore. It felt good when I cut them though. I can't believe I'm starting to enjoy watching the blood.
The cuts aren't that big though, so I can always keep them under my shirt. It's the bruises I'm worried about. They're on my arms, the top part, near my shoulders. They almost hurt more then my stupid cuts. They're some on my chest too. And my hip, I think. I don't know, I don't want to look. But they hurt more.
Because they don't take away pain like the cuts do. They just remind me.
I'm going to go wash my hands again. I'm getting stains on the paper.
Dec.15.06
I ended up crying then too. When I wrote that. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, and I just started sobbing. I had to keep quiet though, it was early and Taichi and Kaa-san were home. I went into my room and sobbed until I passed out or something. I don't really remember.
The bruises are going away now. I think they're what makes me sob. I remember too much of that night, and my father's hands, and everything. It hurts too much.
Takeru called again, twice. He gave my mother a message and it's lying on my desk. I don't think I'll call him back.
Oh well.
Dec.21.06
I'm sick of this. I really am. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of not wanting to eat. I'm sick of lying and vomiting and thinking about suicide in my sleep. But it's all I can really do now.
Maybe I just don't understand. I... I black out sometimes, just mentally, when I go over here. To Daddy's house. I hate the way he hurts me, the way I scream and no one hears me. And I hate the fact that I'm not the little virgin everyone thinks I am anymore.
I'm starting to cut myself in other places now, giving my wrists a break. Higher on my arms, where that bruise is. I'll have to wear long sleeved shirts everyday, but I don't really care. And I'm starting to get really good at stopping the blood before it scabs.
Ja.
Dec.22.06
I kind of forgot it was Christmas. Well, not really. We have our tree up, and all the decorations and things my Kaa-san sets up every year. And there's things at school and in shops too, with Christmas decorations and presents and stuff.
I just sort of forgot to remember. Everyone thinks I'm just a ditz or something. Especially since tomorrow we start Christmas break. Oh well.
The reason I remembered today was that Takeru gave me a Christmas gift, right after school and when everyone was gone. I was sort of surprised. I unwrapped it (it didn't have a card) and it turned out to be one of those velvet boxes that holds jewelry. It was a necklace, silver metal in the shape of a heart, with a circle Austrian crystal in the center. It really was beautiful.
I actually smiled at him, I mean really smiled, and thanked him. I'm just surprised that he'd give a necklace to me of all people, his friend' that's been gone so recently. His best friend, maybe, among girls anyway. He smiled back and blushed, I think, and then ran off back to his apartment.
And I stared after him and smiled.
It doesn't seem so beautiful now, the necklace. I'm holding it right now. It doesn't seem to sparkle as much without the snow and white, winter sunshine. It's just cold metal, pretty still and yet just as beautiful as if I might have saw it in a store window instead of his wrapped box.
I still like it though. It just seems out of place, something so pretty and unyielding, in my scarred up hands.
I'll put it away in the box for now. Right now it's just too confusing.
Dec.25.06
It's Christmas today. We opened presents and everything, and ate dinner, and all that stuff. It was as nice as always, except I had to wear a dress with long sleeves instead of my others. I thought, for a moment, Kaa-san was surprised, but she didn't say a word after she looked at me through her eyes.
I didn't wear the necklace either.
I got gifts, just about everything you might expect for a girl my age. I was actually happy, for awhile, until the door to the apartment opened.
Daddy decided to come over for a visit.
He talked to Taichi and my mother for awhile. I kept my distance. Then he walked over to me, saying a few words, smiling and smiling like hell. He gave me a gift too, just the same with Kaa-san, and then left.
I got rid of it, whatever he hid in that pretty little box. And I spent Christmas night crying my bed and cutting my arms again.
Both Davis and Takeru called to wish me a Merry Christmas. I didn't want to talk to either of them, really, but I took out the necklace again after Takeru called. It still looks out of place, especially since my hands are bleeding now. I'm getting blood all over the chain, and this page too.
I just realized I never got Takeru a gift.
Dec.28.06
Miyako called this morning, on Monday, to ask if I wanted to go shopping. My first instinct was to say no, but I said yes anyway. I felt guilty about the present thing.
I told Miyako about it when she came by, the things she needed to know about it anyway. She said she'd help me. We went downtown and spent most of the day there. I don't get out much anymore, so it seemed kind of strange to me now. All the people, and traffic, and crowds.
I never did get him anything. Oh well.
I called him though. For the first time in about three months, without him calling me first. I told him I was sorry I'd forgotten to get him something. And I told him that I loved the necklace, and that I had a wonderful Christmas.
That was about it.
When I hung up the phone I felt sort of lost. Guilty, I don't know.
I forgot to clean the blood off of that necklace. I haven't taken it out in four or five days.
I think I'll go do that now. Ja.
Jan.02.07
Daddy's coming to visit. I cut my wrists again, for the first time since Christmas day.
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Don't we just love happy endings? This is the last of my depression' fics... Unless someone reviews (which I doubt..) I won't be finishing this. Ja ne!