A/N: This story was part of MEBB 2018. A big thank you to my artist Seo Kanori. You can find their amazing art on tumblr (including the beautiful pieces they did for this story)
I have to thank normandystarlight for agreeing to an initial beta even though she had more on her hands than any one person could manage.
I wouldn't be here without hawkeykirsah gently prodding me to continue writing and convincing me not to drop out. You're a true friend.
Most of all, thank you bioticsandheadshots for stepping in to beta once normandystarlight had to stop. You reminded me how much fun writing is, and I learned so much from your notes. You make me a better writer.
It was all over. Somehow, they'd accomplished the impossible: they made it to the Citadel and the Crucible had docked. There was nothing left to do but sit and wait for the same fate as the man at her side.
Shepard hazarded a quick glance in Anderson's direction. He'd always seemed larger than life, but now that illusion was completely shattered. He slumped over on himself, a victim of that final gunshot—her gunshot. She turned back to the cold darkness of space, tears welling in her eyes. That brief glimpse of him was all she could handle, the guilt heavy on her heart. It hurt too much, even though they'd both been prepared for this outcome.
Cold, unforgiving metal pressed the remaining shards of armor into the wounds on her backside and legs. The hard deck offered no comfort to her battle-damaged body, but that didn't matter at this point. There were so many wounds, so much blood and pain, and her support systems were toast. There was no way anyone would get to her in time. It would all be over soon enough, then she would join Anderson and everyone else that had been lost along the way. Nothing left to do but enjoy the view. But even the beauty of space held reminders of death and destruction. Debris from countless ships floated in front of her, a testament to how devastating their last push towards earth had been for so many.
Shepard leaned back into the platform behind them, cradled her stomach, and finally let herself grieve. "I'm so sorry, Kaidan." Echoes of their last moments, both their voices, thick with emotion, taunted her with what could've been. She promised to be waiting for him, but this was one promise she couldn't keep—no matter how much it broke her heart. This was one situation she couldn't stubborn her way out of. This was it.
And there was so much more lost than even Kaidan knew.
Thick rivulets of blood spilled down her bare forearm and dripped heavily to the floor, but the open wound on her side was mercifully numb. She wasn't concerned about it; her focus was on the flutters deeper within. Blood smeared with every move of her hand across her swollen stomach. It was so unfair. They came so close to getting through this together. Not just together… but with a future. Unplanned and unexpected as it was, their future grew within her. She'd wanted desperately to share that fact with Kaidan, but she couldn't. Her death was going to be hard enough on the poor man; the full truth may very well kill him. This was one secret she had to take to her grave. Part of her was sure he'd figure it out on his own, then came that moment in the starboard observation deck… "Can you feel it Shepard? Feel the quickening?" he'd asked out of the blue. A small thrill shot through her as she turned to face him, to run into his arms and share the fleeting moments of joy, so sure he'd figured it out and even had the approximate dates right. He probably would've under normal circumstances, but nothing about this was normal. Normal was a luxury she didn't have.
What she wouldn't give for normal. Simple and quiet were afforded to others, not her. No, life as everyone knew it rested on her shoulders, and the weight of the responsibility crushed her heart. It was too much for one person to bear. She didn't seek this out; she never chose to be the saviour or whatever they were calling her. She just wanted to be happy with the man she loved. Shepard's eyes fluttered closed and she allowed herself a moment to dream of what could've been. She would trade almost anything for that little home filled with love and life…
"Shepard… Commander. Nothing's happening. The Crucible's not firing." Hackett's voice pulled her from the deepening dreams. "It's gotta be something on your end."
Even dreams of normal were out of her reach. Duty called. The ground tilted under her feet and stars flashed in her eyes, but she pushed forward. The job wasn't complete. Shaky legs only held out for one step before she collapsed to her hands and knees. Her low, guttural groan filled the room. That's all she had the strength for. Using her one good arm, she crawled and pulled herself toward the console, leaving a snail's trail of blood in her wake.
Bones creaked and muscles strained as she pulled to standing. Upright, she almost felt like Shepard. Almost. She took a deep breath to finally reply, but her lungs spasmed uncontrollably. Shallow, dry coughs got progressively deeper and wetter by the second. She swayed dangerously. Only her death-grip on the console kept her upright. Every single breath was a gurgling struggle, as if a wet towel were wrapped around her head - her own personal waterboarding. She squinted through darkened vision, her hands sliding on the fine red spray that coated the console supporting her weight. That same dark blood also splattered on the glass in front of her, obscuring the debris surrounding the station. She had to work fast; her time was running out.
By some miracle she made it to the top of the crucible. Her choices lay before her, but her path was clear. Shepard had to destroy the Reapers. That was the only way to make sure this ended once and for all. She took a tentative step forward, eyes trained on the glowing platform at the end of the ramp. Fatigue curled around her muscles, each step as agonizingly slow and demanding as wading through waist-deep mud, but she trudged forward. Horrors of everything she'd survived so far flashed through her mind. London, a shattered wasteland. Husks overtook barriers as easily as ants climbed rocks. Her best friend and lover almost crushed by a tank launched into the air, certainly killing everyone within. These were all stark reminders of what was still at stake. Their buildings and technology were no match. Nobody was safe. It was all up to her.
She paused on the ramp for one last look at the beauty and wonder of the universe. It had been so long since she stopped to enjoy the view. Kaidan was right – it all seemed so calm and peaceful up here. You'd never expect the horrors taking place out there.
Shepard allowed herself one last moment to savor the life stirring within and lament that this was their fate, that both their lives had to be cut short to ensure a future for life itself. She was the only one left to see this through. Somehow she knew it always had to be her.
"I'm so sorry, sweetie," Shepard cooed between soft sobs, her hand cradling the tiny swell, "It's just you and me now. We have to save your daddy and everyone else out there."
Her gun wavered slightly in her cold hands, both arms long since numb from blood loss. The slight incline of the ramp was almost too much for her weakened body, but she stumbled forward. There was no room for failure. Stubbornness and resolve strengthened with each step, her aim true as she marched bravely in complete disregard of her grievous injuries. Adrenaline really was one hell of a powerful anesthetic. Explosions drowned everything out, but the gun recoiled with each shot. That meant her finger still pulled the trigger, even though she couldn't feel it. At least that was still working. She held on as long as her arm supported the weight, then flung it aside without a thought. Energy crackled along her skin and her hair stood on end. She was almost done.
Commander Shepard stood at the end of the ramp for just a fraction of a second before falling forward into a graceful swan dive. Electricity arced along her skin and her amp burned like fire as she disappeared into the blinding light.