The Lord of the Shitty Fanfic
by TSBlack
Disclaimer: The characters here are the property of J.R.R. Tolkien! Not me! And I claim them not, for they are not of my invention! Also the Mary Sues, fangirls, and Tenth Walkers (whether in mob or in specific) are not referential to any specific fan fictions, only to the general muck of bad LOTR fic that is available to the general public. No stealies here, folks.
Just for the record, there is going to be rather colorful language here... be warned!
Also, I think it would be wise of me to note here that I love Lord of the Rings and this is NOT A PARAODY OF IT! It is, actually, a parody of all LOTR fic. And I am making this very silly indeed, and there will be lots of cursing and bad emo poetry, which with any luck will be cut off mid-verse by Aragorn's sword through the chest. Thanks ahead to anyone who reviews or follows! Your suggestions are welcome.
Chapter One: A Really, Really Long Council
Frodo awoke to the overpowering smell of lavender candles fighting with cinnamon apple candles for the air in the room. He heard some creaking, coughing, and cursing too.
"Where am I? What is the time?" he asked blearily. For a moment all he heard was more coughing and creaking.
"GOD DAMN IT!" shouted a familiar, grumpy voice. When he opened his eyes, he saw the stooped figure of Gandalf fanning the candle smoke and some of the smell out of the now open windows with his enormous sleeves.
"What is going on?" Frodo asked, again, feeling increasingly helpless.
"Sorry, sorry. You seem to have some admirers in Rivendell, my good hobbit," said Gandalf, fanning the last of the smoke out the windows and sitting on a stool by the large bed Frodo was lying tucked into. He pulled out his pipe and began to stuff it with some rather dry Old Toby. The less abrasive, familiar smell of pipeweed filled the room, and Frodo smiled.
"That's much better," he said.
"Good. Well, here you are, my friend, it's good to see you're awake. You were almost lost to us. BY the way, to answer your first questions, it's ten o'clock in the morning on October twenty-fourth." The old wizard puffed his pipe, happy not to be smelling lavender anymore.
"What did you mean, I have admirers here?" Frodo asked as the words Gandalf had already spoken finally began to sink in. The wizard's brow furrowed.
"Well, apparently many young women of rather unnatural beauty have been appearing all over the countryside near here, and some have been claiming that they came to the council Elrond has summoned. Though how a bunch of tarts found out about it, I shall never know," Frodo was silent for one long moment.
"Weird," he said finally. "I guess at least a few of them should come to the council so we can find out where they come from and send them back there."
"I like the way you think, old friend," Gandalf said, winking at him and blowing a little smoke ring.
The next day at the council, Frodo was surprised to see several young female hobbits of unnatural beauty, as well as many more female elves and men than he had expected. Only three of them, one of each race, was allowed into the council itself, but the others milled about in a crowd of about thirty or so down the hill from the council chamber.
Elrond rose and decided at that moment to do introductions.
"Friends and strangers, welcome to Rivendell. You all know I have called a council here, but maybe you don't all know for what purpose. Let me call you out by name, and then we shall have much to discuss about what is going on, here," he said in a lilting voice that was almost too pleasant to hear- it made Frodo want to fall asleep.
"This is Legolas son of King Thranduil of Mirkwood and his bodyguard. Here is Gloin and his son Gimli and their entourage, and Boromir son of Denethor the Steward of Gondor and his crew. Mithrandir, whom I am sure you all know, is here, and here is Frodo son of Drogo of the Shire. We have three unexpected members of the council this morning, and I would like them to introduce themselves, seeing as I can barely pronounce their names."
Frodo jerked awake when Gandalf prodded his should gently, and felt slightly guilty. A tall elf maiden with long raven black hair that trailed behind her like a wedding train stood, and she was clad in an absurdly pink gown. Her face was pointy, pale, and irritatingly attractive, and her eyes were too large for her face by a mile.
"I am Elenhahendiel, daughter of LeggyLover101 of the Grey Havens, but you can call me Ellen. I am here to aid the Free People of Middle Earth." Her eyes kept flitting around the council, lingering slightly longer on Legolas, who seemed to have begun sweating nervously. The tall elf maiden sat, and a much shorter but still willowy woman of rippling auburn hair and rather distractingly large breasts stood up. She was wearing traveling clothes of absurd design, which left her belly and the most part of her legs bare. Boromir was shifting uncomfortably in his seat, but Aragorn seemed irritated.
"I am Wynalwhaana Willowsleaf of the Dunedain," she said in a voice which was trying to sound more like bells ringing than vocal chords talking. Frodo strained to hear what it was she was actually saying.
"YOU ARE NOT!" shouted Aragorn suddenly. "THERE ARE NO FEMALE DUNEDAIN!"
"Lord Aragorn, please be quiet, we know your scruples with this woman already. Let her speak," Elrond commanded him sternly. Aragorn sat down, pouting.
"I am here to join in your cause as well, and I offer you my powers, such as they are," said the woman. "Also, you can call me Winna." She sat down, crossing her legs and eyeing Aragorn indignantly. Then the last lady rose, and she was only a hobbit, not uncommonly beautiful but still pretty. Her hair was curly gold, and her eyes twinkled pleasantly. She was wearing plain hobbit's clothes, albeit there were pants under her skirts.
"I am BerryBum Took of the lands just east of the Shire. Call me Berry. I am just here to help Mr. Frodo." She sat again, and there was little or no height difference. Frodo looked at her curiously- out of all the female visitors, she was the most believable. Elrond stood now, and folded his hands in front of himself.
"I would like to first of all clear up what the hell all you ladies are doing here, exactly," he said pointedly.
"We are called here by our duty, my lord," said Ellen. "We will know it when it comes upon us." Elrond's eyebrow stayed firmly lodged in his hairline, but he went on anyway.
"Fine. Let's address the real problem here. All of you here may not know the most recent tale of the One Ring, but I bet you all know the history. If you don't there's a huge library here, go improve yourself. Anyway, Mr. Frodo here has been kind enough to brave the Nazgul themselves to bring us this Ring. Go ahead and let them have a look at it, Frodo," he said, gesturing towards Frodo who had thankfully not quite fallen asleep again yet. He got up and reluctantly put the ring on the pedestal that was at the center of the council circle.
"NO!" cried Ellen melodramatically. She buried her face in her hands and turned her body away from the center.
"Oh, shut up, you twit, its only a ring. You can look at it, I promise," Elrond snapped at her. She pulled her hands off of her face and eyed the thing suspiciously.
"Anyway!" Elrond continued, loudly. "Here's the whole thing in a nutshell: We have no choice but to take this ring back to Mordor and throw it into Mount Doom. Who's volunteering?"
A cricket chirped somewhere in the trees.
"Hang on a minute," Boromir piped up. "Why can't we just use it to kill Sauron?"
"Are you stupid?" Aragorn asked, flustered. "It's THE ONE RING. You basically turn into Gollum if you use it."
"Gross, " Legolas opined.
"What?" Boromir asked, confused "But I thought…"
"Look, no more stupid questions," Elrond butted in. "We are taking this thing to Mordor. End of story. Now, who's going?"
Silence prevailed.
"Come on, you pussies. I'm going to send more than one of you, now man up."
"Okay, fine, you know what?" Frodo suddenly asked, hopping out of his chair. "I'm going to do it. I am taking the ring. Now, who's going to help me?" He cast around the circle.
Silence prevailed again.
"I am going to start volunteering you if you don't do it yourselves, assholes," Elrond growled dangerously. Aragorn stood up reluctantly.
"Alright, alright. You have my sword," he said.
"Thanks for that, Strider," said Frodo.
"No, I mean, you can have my sword. Seriously, take it, she's a beauty." Aragorn said, grinning guiltily.
"ARAGORN!" screamed Gandalf and Elrond at once. The Dunedain jumped slightly and threw up his hands.
"FINE! I'm going! Alright!" He shuffled over to Frodo.
"I had better go, of course," Gandalf said, moving beside Frodo too. "Someone who knows what they are doing should be in this party."
"Me too," said Legolas, getting up and twirling a strand of his glimmering wheat-colored hair around his finger nervously. "I'll go. I'm a decent shot."
"There is NO WAY I am letting this shit go without a Dwarf's input," Gimli said suddenly, standing up and tapping his walking-ax on the stone floor. "You tall fucks thing you can get away with leaving us beardy folk out of this, really…"
"Good, awesome, okay. This is good." Elrond cast around looking for another person he thought might be helpful to the company, eyes passing right over the women. Suddenly Sam burst out of the trees.
"HEY NOW! Mr. Frodo isn't going anywhere without me!" he protested, butting in between Aragorn and his master.
"Fine, whatever!" Elrond shouted, tired of the whole business already.
"Us too!" shouted two voices in unison as Merry and Pippin appeared from the halls in the house and joined the growing group.
"Hang on, you're letting these shrimps go?" Boromir asked incredulously.
"Sure, why not?" Elrond replied. "They want to go and the rest of you don't."
"Hell no. I'm going," the Gondor man said, rising and making his way over to the company. "Gondor should be properly represented here."
"Well, shit… that's perfect!" Elrond exclaimed. "Nine companions set against the nine Nazgul riders. Cool!"
And for a split second everything was alright. But then, all of the women who had miraculously appeared in time for Elrond's council, even the ones in the glade below the council room, began shrieking gleefully at once.
"Oh, Christ," moaned Elrond despairingly. "What now?"
"THAT'S IT!" shouted Ellen. "That's what I am! I am the Tenth Walker!" All the rest of the women began saying similar things in rapturous tones.
"Wait one godforsaken minute!" Elrond protested loudly, silencing the cooing and excited talking of the women. "Am I getting this right? You're all the tenth member of this Fellowship?"
"Yes!" they all shrieked in chorus. Elrond's face began to harden into fury.
"SAYS WHO?" he asked at the top of his lungs.
"THE WRITERS!!!!!" the Tenwalkers all shouted in unison. Elrond crossed his arms.
"No way. There is NO WAY."
"Oh come on," said the hobbit-tenwalker, Berry. "Can't you just send one of us? Like, maybe, me?"
"Why should I send you?" Elrond asked.
"Because I'm not a ship!" the wee woman replied cheerfully.
"A what?" asked almost every non-Tenwalker within earshot.
"A ship!" repeated Berry.
"What does that even mean?" Boromir asked, rolling his eyes.
"It means I don't want to rape any of you," Berry replied, crossing her arms. There was a moment of stunned silence.
"Oh," said the company almost at once.
"And also I am reasonably dressed," Berry pointed out.
"Clothes don't matter!" protested Winna. "I can shoot, fight at close range and fly!"
"Really, now?" Elrond asked. "Fly for me. Right now,"
Silence, again.
"Well?" he asked expectantly. Winna looked nervous.
"Fine," she said, and stood pin straight with her hands opened fully by her sides. Slowly she began to rise from the ground, and the council watched in stunned silence.
She got about four feet in the air before she fell back to earth, landing hard on her bum.
"Er, I'm working on it," she said, grinning bashfully.
"Right. Well, we'll see about this. I'm hungry, so, let's go eat." Elrond said, waving them all into the Last Homely House for lunch.
As they sat munching on the elf-kibble, Frodo noticed Gimli and Gloin, his father, taking to each other in hushed tones beside him at the table. Curious, he poked Gimli's shoulder. The armor the dwarf was wearing meant that this had absolutely no effect, so he poked the side of his hairy head instead.
"Wha- oh. Yes, Sir Halfling?" asked the dwarf, wiping some of the crumbs off of his beard.
"I was just wondering, Gimli, what you're talking about," Frodo said politely.
"Oh. Well, I was just noticing that there are no dwarf-Tenth Walkers. Seems odd, don't you think?"
Frodo cast about the hall, which was packed with Tenth Walkers. They sat huddled in groups eating kibble and gushing about their respective ships.
"Wow, you're right. They're all just elves or women," he said. "Even the occasional hobbit,"
"Indeed! Have not the Dwarves merited a Tenth Walker?" wondered Gimli aloud.
"I suppose there are some in the world, somewhere. Maybe you should consider yourself lucky," Frodo pointed out.
"Perhaps. But there have been reports of yet more bizarre creatures roaming the land and yet none of these have come to the dwarves either,"
"More?" Frodo asked, astonished.
"Yes! They are fell things indeed," the dwarf said, beginning to whisper to him. "They have been plaguing Mirkwood and the Wild on this side of the Misty Mountains as well. There are even reports of them from the Shire!"
"Oh my goodness!" Frodo breathed, terrified. "What are they?"
"They are known as the Dread Mary Sues. They are beautiful women, as you see them here, only with more bizarre powers and magic. They are wondrous fair to look upon, so fair that they have been known to drive the one they pursue mad, at least initially. It is said that they seek the Prince of Mirkwood and the heir to the throne of Gondor the most," the dwarf told him, casting his eyes to the head of the table where Aragorn was talking to Elrond and Legolas was buffing his nails.
"What do the Mary Sues do to them?" he asked, feeling mortified for his friends.
"They pursue their love to the brink of madness. But our friend's hearts are strong, and they have rejected almost every Mary Sue advance they have encountered."
"What of the ones they could not resist?" Frodo asked. Gimli's face went very, very grave.
"They killed them," he said somberly and forebodingly. Frodo was silent with awe and terror. "They have sought other men as well, and there is an entire coven of them devoted to someone they call Figwit, but no one seems to know who that is or what they're talking about,"
"Jesus," Frodo said. "Are they some device of the Enemy?"
"Who knows?" Gimli shrugged. "They don't seem to do much other than sulk and depart, once they are finally rejected."
"Strange indeed," Frodo said, eating another spoonful of kibble. "I hope we never come across one,"
"I can only hope with you, my friend," Gimli said, nodding soberly. "As to this Tenth Walker business, we shall see what Lord Elrond makes of it."