This fic was originally written by my older brother and has recently undergone DRASTIC beta-ing by myself. Seriously, I had to re-write most of it. I read through it a couple of days ago and thought "Wow. The grammatical and spelling errors in this make me want to gauge my eyes out with forks. Painfully. (Lol - Forks. See what I did there?) Anyway, on with the story...
Prologue:
This disgustingly soppy love story takes place in a small town called "Ladles", which is located in south Mississippi. Thankfully, the characters are fictional or the world would have collapsed because of how absolutely boring their lives are. Perhaps if any of them actually did anything, the book might be half decent. Instead it relies on mind control chips in its spine to make sales, as no sane person would willingly buy it if they were not under the influence of something.
Chapter 1: I'm Bunkin' In Your Room, Cuz'!
A young girl named Betsy Swan was riding in the back of a truck down the dusty road. She was twirling a wheat stalk in one of her hands. In the other she had three fingers around a cigarette and the other three around a photo of her mother. It was her only reminder of home. She was going to live with her grand-pappy in Ladles. She did not have any interest in going at all and nobody was forcing her to go, but she has to be there for the sake of this stories plot-line.
The overweight truck driver tensed in his seat and suddenly had a heart attack. He fell against the side of the door and the truck tipped over. Betsy crawled out of the truck (which had conveniently crashed outside her uncle's trailer - Oh yes, he is her uncle as well as her grand-pappy).
"Well, howdy stranger!" he said to Betsy. Betsy was silent - she was mentally retarded and, therefore incapable of being part of a conversation.
As they were standing around awkwardly, Jake Black, an Indian from a local reservation decided to come say hi, as, even though he lived nowhere near Ladles, he always seemed to turn up everywhere.
"Do you remember me, Betsy? We used to make mud pies together. We all know how much you enjoy eating mud."
"OOOGHARGHGHAAR" Betsy replied. "Get off my lawn, you nigger!"
"Hey!" Jake yelled in anger, "I'm more of a mocha, caramel color. In fact, your grandmother has a blacker ass than me, even before she mistook that toaster for a new fangled sitting contraption."
"You've seen my sister's ass?" Betsy enquired because, suddenly, she could form a sentence. She was, however, still an emotionless void of a person who only thought of herself. (Not quite different to the original one, if you think about it)
"It's not hard to miss. When she stands up, it blocks out the sun." Jake replied haughtily.
Betsy's chocolate eyes narrowed. (For some reason, all the characters' eyes were not colours - they were foods.)
Mr. Swan pulled out his whacking stick, poked Jake in the eye and pulled out his brains.
"LOL" Jacob yelled. "You can't kill me! I'm a wear-mongoose."
"n00b!" Mr. Swan cackled. "You don't become a wear mongoose until the next book and the events in this book take place before it has even been written. Also, that wasn't in character at all. The author has decided to make us rednecks and rednecks don't say 'LOL'. There isn't even internet down there."
At this point of time, the author decided that this thread of the story was going absolutely no where, took some pills, screwed up his page and poured some coffee, after which he fell asleep due to the effects of the aforementioned anti-depressants. He woke up a few days later, suddenly chipper, and continued to write the next chapter.
Chapter 2: Evolution?
Somehow, all the characters were magically transported to Biology class without any visible way of getting there or for any reason for them to be there at all. The author obviously didn't see any good in continuing the last scene and instead decided to write the next chapter, in which, Edwin Cullen was introduced. The Biology teacher was going through the theory of evolution.
"... and then Gawd clicked his fingers and... BOOM! Stuff happened." he said lazily.
"How did he do that?" an albino boy from the back of the class piped up.
"Duh, 'cause he's Gawd..." his teacher, Mr. Barner, replied.
"What about dinosaurs?" the albino boy tried.
"Yeah, what about them? Do you see any dinosaurs? No. There aren't any dinosaurs now and so there weren't any dinosaurs when the world was created 3000 years ago."
"...But what about fossils?"
"Shut up! Questions feed the devil. As punishment you have to sit next to the retard!" Mr. Barner yelled.
"GARBOAGH!" Yelled Betsy, who was thoroughly outraged about being called retarded but, since she couldn't formulate a sentence, couldn't really complain.
"You're a retard and I hate you." Edwin - the albino boy - deadpanned, his butterscotch eyes narrowing in disgust. (See what I mean about the food thing?)
It seemed that the albino kid, Edwin, being an enormous asshole to Betsy caused her to fall deeply in love with him.
Chapter 3: BLAAAAARG!
The author forgot to mention it (because that happens regularly in this narrative), but Betsy had gone to a holiday to Spain for no apparent reason whatsoever. This chapter takes place at the running of the bull's festival.
Betsy saw a penny on the floor (which was strange, because they didn't use pennies in Spain). She went to go and pick it up, but was wearing no underpants and a mini skirt, so when she bent down, the bull saw the bright red rash on her ass and charged at her. Then Edwin, (the albino kid from Biology class) showed up. He was in Spain also for some other reason which had definitely no relationship to Betsy's reason or for any reason related to the plot and his presence was entirely coincidental.
Edward was really a vampire but the reader isn't supposed to know that until later in the book (even though it was probably on the blurb at the back of the book). He used his awesome vampire/ninja skills to kill the bull and save Betsy.
"You're still a retard and I still hate you." he told her.
This made Betsy love him even more.
Betsy then walked back to her trailer. She arrived about ten months later, and very wet after swimming across the Atlantic Ocean.
Chapter 4: The Pictures! They Move!
Mr. Swan recently looted the local K-Mart during a union rally. For about three days afterwards, Betsy and Mr. Swan had been watching TV. There was never much on because neither Betsy nor Mr. Swan wanted to put up the areal because they knew that, if they did, the other will sit in the good couch in front of the TV and they would be forced to sit on the 'dog-pee' couch. Neither of them had moved since they had gotten the TV.
Mr. Swan had thought of a clever way to fix the situation. Since he hadn't been to the toilet for three days (and was really busting), he peed on the remaining good couch so Betsy wouldn't sit on it while he set up the aerial. It didn't work. Before you could say 'hootenanny', Betsy had her pee-soaked ass in that couch.
The TV flickered to life and a commercial came on.
"Are you living every day in fear? Do you distrust even your closest friends because they may be a vampire? Then anti-vampire spray is what you need! Just spray it on. It is pleasant smelling, non-greasy and it really works! Look! Do you see any vampires in this advert? No! See, it does work! You can get yours delivered for only 8 easy payments of $164.99. But wait! If you call within the next thirty minutes, we'll through in another can of anti vampire spray for no extra price! That's two for the price of one! But hurry, stocks are limited."
Something squeezed itself into Betsy's mind. The author had said that Edward was a vampire in the last chapter. Because infomercial stuff was so dodgy, maybe if Betsy wore this spray, Edwin would be attracted to her and they could have twelve-toed babies.
About eight weeks later, Betsy had received her two cans of anti-vampire spray. Now she only had to contend with the child lock of frustration.
Chapter 5: Meta Gaming
Betsy went to school the next day expecting to attract Edwin. She was wearing a entire can of anti-vampire spray. It took her, like, half an hour to put it on. The smell was so bad that, if it had been any worse... well, it would smell pretty bad wouldn't it?
As Betsy walked into class, Edwin was immediately attracted to her. He got a massive stiffy, causing all the blood to run out of his head and he passed out. His indestructible, vampire dick punched a hole in the floor. He awoke several hours later in a sticky puddle in which the cleaning lady was poking him with her broom. The sight of the toothless face, stubby legs and hunched back made him go instantly flaccid. He got up and hobbled down to Betsy's trailer.
Fortunately, it was easy to find as it was parked across two lanes of traffic on one of the main roads.
"Get of my lawn, you nigger!" yelled Mr. Swan.
"Hey! I'm more of a pasty, albino color. Yo' momma..." Edwin paused, sighing. "I don't have time for this." he mumbled.
Edwin used his awesome vampire skills to get past Mr. Swan. Betsy was busy in the backyard, trying to catch the little coloured balls inside one of a toy lawn mower.
"I know that you're retarded and smelly and ugly (like a Robbie Williams video clip), but I'm so hard for you right now." he confessed.
It was at that moment that he noticed the empty cans of anti-vampire spray.
"Hey! How did you know I was a vampire?" he questioned.
"BHAARGHOO - it's been in, like, every other sentence – OAARG!" Betsy (kind of) replied.
"But you're not supposed to know that! Characters aren't supposed to know about out-of-character things! You are meta gaming and that can get you banned for that." Edwin complained.
Betsy, being a redneck and not being able to afford any kind of gaming console, stared blankly at Edwin. (not that she hadn't been doing that for the entirety of the story or anything)
To cut the rest of the long, boring story short, Edward killed Betsy (after raping her and drinking the rest of the anti-vampire spray – don't judge him).
Chapter 6: Where Betsy?
"Hey! Albino kid!" Mr. Barner yelled. "Where's your science partner? It's been three weeks. Is she stuck in a storm water drain again?"
"No." Edwin replied. "I ate her."
"Oh. Well, that's okay, then. Did you save any meat for me? I love the taste of fresh students."
"No. I sucked her dry and now I carry around her dehydrated skin sack wherever I go. Do you want to see? It fits into my back pocket!" Edwin yelled enthusiastically.
"Ew." Mr. Barner stated. "That's gross. Why would you do that?"
"Duh. I'm a vampire. It says that every second sentence." Edwin replied. "Didn't we cover this in the last chapter?"
"I'm a teacher; I can't read. And anyway, characters aren't supposed to have knowledge of out-of-character things."
Later that day, the sheriff (who also happened to be Betsy's grand-pappy/uncle) arrived at Edwin's house to arrest him for cannibalism.
"Put your hands up, niggers!" he yelled at Edwin (and his vampire family who, until now, have not been mentioned in the story). "You are arrested for cannibalism and stealing this house."
"For God's sake." Edwin mumbled. "I'm white."
"Don't kid yourself. White people have jobs and can afford to buy food. I bet you stole this house from a white guy."
"No, look at me." Edwin insisted. "I'm white like an Englishman's body after winter."
"HE'S WEARING MAKE UP! GET HIM!" yelled Mr. Swan.
At that point, Edward and the rest of his albino family killed the policemen - excluding Mr Swan, who ran away - and fled from Ladles to live in a town called Chopsticks in Nepal, in which everyone lived happily ever after. Mr. Swan was happy that he didn't have to feed his retarded daughter and could pour more money into his neighbourhood watch program (which was taking over since all of the other cops were now dead). The citizens of Ladles were happy that they didn't have to wear sun glasses to look at Edwin and threw them away.
Also, with no Betsy, the rest of the story progressed with no complications apart from Jake's father, Bill, stubbing his toe. However, all was well when everybody remembered that Bill couldn't use his legs anyway.
The End.
(Wow, that's actually kind of offensive. Sorry?) :P