I always woke up nauseous on the days that God counted on me the most. The days where you know you were put on this Earth to show up. The days where you remember how very much alive you are. It's in the quiet where you can hear your heart beating, your pulse vibrating, and your brain speed up to one hundred miles an hour only to crash into a wall of fear and anxiety in the final hour before your life totally changes.
I guess the very first time I felt this was the bar exam. All those years of hard school work and just a day's test was going to prove if it was all worth it. My first time didn't have to be a total failure but I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to put myself through it again. The test was hard, mind-numbing. I succeeded anyway and I have never looked back.
The second time was the day I married Jean Graham. Beautiful, brainy, benevolent, Jean. I knew the minute she walked into my life, I told myself that I was not going to let her go. Thank the Lord she felt mutual about me. I guess I wasn't exactly her type; she was more into men who were like my brother, but she said something just felt right when she was with me. I swore to God out loud on my wedding day that I would see her through. Every year of our marriage seemed to get better and better, I thought I had passed the test, but then she died...
Jem and Scout. Jeremy Atticus and Jean Louise. My two children, my two angels, maybe my only legacy. I couldn't let them down. I never felt that nauseous feeling the day they were born but I sure did feel it on the day of their mother's funeral. My life as their father never hit me as hard as the day when we all had to say goodbye to their mother. In quiet, I swore to God that everything was going to be all right; I was going to be all right, it had to be and I had to be. If I wasn't here for my children, who would be? I didn't have a choice but to step up and be strong.
All those days have brought me to today. Tom Robinson's trial was going to be a test to everything I have learned in life so far. All those years of school, years of learning to love my wife, and years of learning how to take care of my children has led me to this poor man's trial. I might fail anyway. I'm a big part of the story of the Tom Robinson story but I'm not the only part. I can see past color and am able to see cold, hard facts. People can only see a person or a challenge as fully as they have met themselves. Win or lose, I can look at my law degree, my wife's picture, my precious children, and know that I have used all the tools that I have to make this day as much of a success as it could be. May God be with me.