On the watchtower, the emergency meeting of the Justice League was in full swing. The only members absent were Batman and Superman, who were in fact the topic of discussion. Wonder Woman was acting as emergency chairman, and looked very grumpy.
"All right. First item on the agenda: Who had the bright idea of using Nightwing as mediator between Batman and Superman?" There was a long and awkward silence. Then the fingers began pointing towards the culprit, who began to tremble nervously.
"J'onn. What do you have to say in your defense?" Wonder Woman's voice was level and calm, but it was a dangerous kind of calm. The Martian Manhunter was shaking violently, and it looked as though he might be blushing through his green skin.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time."
"What were you thinking?"
"It seemed to me that his loyalty to Batman would be balanced out by his admiration for Superman. I thought it made sense to have someone sympathetic with both sides to work this out, rather tha--" the rest of his speech was cut off by a loud thwacking sound as Wonder Woman belted him upside the head.
"Okay. We screwed this one up, thanks to the Jolly Green Genius here. Next item: What do we do now?"
Green Lantern raised a hand. "I think we ought to pay for Nightwing's therapy, first of all. He definitely needs some, and I think we have some responsibility towards him."
"All right. What about Batman and Superman?" Wonder Woman was short on patience. Also, she wanted to hit something again.
"We can try again, this time with a mediator not connected to either of them." Green Lantern offered the suggestion in a rush, seeing that Wonder Woman's hand was 1) Balled up into a fist again, and 2) Closer to his head than he really wanted it to be.
"Okay, good idea. Any suggestions?"
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)
"Okay, fellas," Mr. Rogers began in his mellow Texan accent. "Let's see if we can get you two calmed down. Now, the important thing to remember is that both of you are very special, and--" THWOCK!
"You hit Mr. Rogers!" Screamed Superman. "What are you thinking?"
"Maybe next time he'll think twice before coming to MY neighborhood." Growled Batman.
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)
Heaving a mighty sigh, Janet Reno pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. This would be difficult. "You superheroes are all crap. Talk big about saving the world, and look at this! Look at yourselves! Trying to kill each other over nothing! You make me sick!" Superman, having heard enough, rapped her on the head just hard enough to knock her out.
"Now that was uncalled for." Said Batman.
"I never did like the way she handled the whole Elian Gonzalez thing."
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)
"All right, now, boys," Former president William Jefferson Clinton said, "we need to iron out your differences, so that you can get back to the business of fighting evil. Now let's get star--" CRUNCH! Bot superheroes let him have it at the same time.
Batman looked suddenly frightened. "Do you realize we just agreed on something?"
"Yeah. Scary, isn't it?"
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)
"Now look, I know you two don't want to give up your little feud, but it has to stop!" Wonder Woman had just supervised the retrieval and CPR of the eighth mediator, and her stress was combining with serious PMS. She wanted blood. "Is there anyone, anyone at all on this entire planet, in the galaxy, in the whole universe or any other possible universe, that you two delinquents can agree to listen to? If not, I'll lock you both in a roomful of kryptonite, then jettison you into deep space."
There was a long pause. They both appeared to be in deep thought. Finally, Batman spoke up tentatively. "Qui-gon Jinn."
Superman nodded happily. "Yes, I'd listen to him!"
Wonder Woman buried her head in her hands. How, she wondered, had it come to this? A warrior princess of the Amazons, listenting to two grown men, both of whom had saved the world more than once, talk about their respect for a fictional character. She really, really wanted to kill something.
"Has it occured to either of you morons that Qui-gon Jinn isn't real? He's a character in a frickin' science fiction movie!"
Superman raised a tentative hand. "Um, don't want to correct you, Diana, but Star Wars is really more of a fantasy film than a--"
"THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT! THERE IS NO SUCH PERSON AS QUI-GON JINN!"
Batman smiled triumphantly. "Then we can't negotiate."
"You're crazy!" Sputtered Wonder Woman.
"Produce Qui-gon Jinn,and we'll listen. Until then, there will be no settlement."
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)
This was, Liam Neeson thought, the most bizarre thing ever to happen to him. He had been perfectly content sitting around the house in his underwear and eating his banana-and-pork-rind sandwich, when all of a sudden he'd gotten a call from an incoherent George Lucas, who babbled crazily about some deal with Wonder Woman, and him (Liam) needing to come by Skywalker Ranch to get his Jedi robes. Liam had decided George must be drunk again, and had hung up. A few minutes later, there was a hole in his roof, and a very angry woman in a tiara was shouting something at him. He had soiled his underwear, and almost choked on his sandwich.
So now he found himself once again in full Jedi regalia, sitting at a conference table with the two best-known superheroes on earth. Inwardly, he cursed the day he had first heard of Star Wars.
"How do we know your really Qui-Gon Jinn?" Demanded Superman, somewhat petulantly in Liam's opinion.
"There's my lightsaber."
"Can you turn it on?"
"Why, naturally." He brandished the saber hilt, and gave the nod to Green Lantern at his post behind the two-way mirror. A shaft of emerald light seemed to come out of the metal cylinder.
"That looks kind of like Lantern energy. If you're really Qui-Gon, you can recite the Jedi Code."
Liam raved and ranted at Superman's childlike interrogation in his head, even as he blessed George for the hasty cramming of Jedi lore he'd gone through before heading up here.
"There is no emotion, there is peace, there is no ignorance, there is knowledge, there is no passion, there is serenity, there is no death, there is the Force."
"Okay, I'm convinced," said Superman, as he took a gulp of water from the pitcher on the table. "Now let's get this mediation started. See, he" he gestured at Batman, "started the whole thing when he got mad about the Flash putting a whoopie cush--" He stopped suddenly, frozen motionless. He managed to roll one eye in Batman's direction, and give him an accusatory glare.
"What happened to him?" Demanded Liam/Qui-gon.
"Combination voluntary muscle inhibitor and powerful laxative in the water. Took months to develop a drug that would affect a Kryptonian." Batman answered triumphantly. "Oh, by the way Superman, this isn't Qui-Gon Jinn, after all."
"Mph mphhpppmmmmph?"
"No. See, Qui-Gon Jinn isn't real. This is just Liam Neeson, the actor who played him in the movie."
"I'm not 'just' an actor!" Said Liam indignantly. Then he ghasped in horror. He had broken character in front of his audience! He began to sob in his shame. Meanwhile, Batman's narcotic continued it's effects on Superman.
Wonder Woman burst into the room suddenly. "Okay guys, stop what you're doing now. We just got word that Ra's Al Ghul was seen visiting Lex Luthor's private office. We need both of you to...What the hell's that smell?"
"It seems that Superman will need a change of tights before he can fight evil. Must have been something he drank." Said Batman.
To be concluded
"All right. First item on the agenda: Who had the bright idea of using Nightwing as mediator between Batman and Superman?" There was a long and awkward silence. Then the fingers began pointing towards the culprit, who began to tremble nervously.
"J'onn. What do you have to say in your defense?" Wonder Woman's voice was level and calm, but it was a dangerous kind of calm. The Martian Manhunter was shaking violently, and it looked as though he might be blushing through his green skin.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time."
"What were you thinking?"
"It seemed to me that his loyalty to Batman would be balanced out by his admiration for Superman. I thought it made sense to have someone sympathetic with both sides to work this out, rather tha--" the rest of his speech was cut off by a loud thwacking sound as Wonder Woman belted him upside the head.
"Okay. We screwed this one up, thanks to the Jolly Green Genius here. Next item: What do we do now?"
Green Lantern raised a hand. "I think we ought to pay for Nightwing's therapy, first of all. He definitely needs some, and I think we have some responsibility towards him."
"All right. What about Batman and Superman?" Wonder Woman was short on patience. Also, she wanted to hit something again.
"We can try again, this time with a mediator not connected to either of them." Green Lantern offered the suggestion in a rush, seeing that Wonder Woman's hand was 1) Balled up into a fist again, and 2) Closer to his head than he really wanted it to be.
"Okay, good idea. Any suggestions?"
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)
"Okay, fellas," Mr. Rogers began in his mellow Texan accent. "Let's see if we can get you two calmed down. Now, the important thing to remember is that both of you are very special, and--" THWOCK!
"You hit Mr. Rogers!" Screamed Superman. "What are you thinking?"
"Maybe next time he'll think twice before coming to MY neighborhood." Growled Batman.
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)
Heaving a mighty sigh, Janet Reno pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. This would be difficult. "You superheroes are all crap. Talk big about saving the world, and look at this! Look at yourselves! Trying to kill each other over nothing! You make me sick!" Superman, having heard enough, rapped her on the head just hard enough to knock her out.
"Now that was uncalled for." Said Batman.
"I never did like the way she handled the whole Elian Gonzalez thing."
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)
"All right, now, boys," Former president William Jefferson Clinton said, "we need to iron out your differences, so that you can get back to the business of fighting evil. Now let's get star--" CRUNCH! Bot superheroes let him have it at the same time.
Batman looked suddenly frightened. "Do you realize we just agreed on something?"
"Yeah. Scary, isn't it?"
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)
"Now look, I know you two don't want to give up your little feud, but it has to stop!" Wonder Woman had just supervised the retrieval and CPR of the eighth mediator, and her stress was combining with serious PMS. She wanted blood. "Is there anyone, anyone at all on this entire planet, in the galaxy, in the whole universe or any other possible universe, that you two delinquents can agree to listen to? If not, I'll lock you both in a roomful of kryptonite, then jettison you into deep space."
There was a long pause. They both appeared to be in deep thought. Finally, Batman spoke up tentatively. "Qui-gon Jinn."
Superman nodded happily. "Yes, I'd listen to him!"
Wonder Woman buried her head in her hands. How, she wondered, had it come to this? A warrior princess of the Amazons, listenting to two grown men, both of whom had saved the world more than once, talk about their respect for a fictional character. She really, really wanted to kill something.
"Has it occured to either of you morons that Qui-gon Jinn isn't real? He's a character in a frickin' science fiction movie!"
Superman raised a tentative hand. "Um, don't want to correct you, Diana, but Star Wars is really more of a fantasy film than a--"
"THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT! THERE IS NO SUCH PERSON AS QUI-GON JINN!"
Batman smiled triumphantly. "Then we can't negotiate."
"You're crazy!" Sputtered Wonder Woman.
"Produce Qui-gon Jinn,and we'll listen. Until then, there will be no settlement."
(v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v) \S/ (v^V^v)
This was, Liam Neeson thought, the most bizarre thing ever to happen to him. He had been perfectly content sitting around the house in his underwear and eating his banana-and-pork-rind sandwich, when all of a sudden he'd gotten a call from an incoherent George Lucas, who babbled crazily about some deal with Wonder Woman, and him (Liam) needing to come by Skywalker Ranch to get his Jedi robes. Liam had decided George must be drunk again, and had hung up. A few minutes later, there was a hole in his roof, and a very angry woman in a tiara was shouting something at him. He had soiled his underwear, and almost choked on his sandwich.
So now he found himself once again in full Jedi regalia, sitting at a conference table with the two best-known superheroes on earth. Inwardly, he cursed the day he had first heard of Star Wars.
"How do we know your really Qui-Gon Jinn?" Demanded Superman, somewhat petulantly in Liam's opinion.
"There's my lightsaber."
"Can you turn it on?"
"Why, naturally." He brandished the saber hilt, and gave the nod to Green Lantern at his post behind the two-way mirror. A shaft of emerald light seemed to come out of the metal cylinder.
"That looks kind of like Lantern energy. If you're really Qui-Gon, you can recite the Jedi Code."
Liam raved and ranted at Superman's childlike interrogation in his head, even as he blessed George for the hasty cramming of Jedi lore he'd gone through before heading up here.
"There is no emotion, there is peace, there is no ignorance, there is knowledge, there is no passion, there is serenity, there is no death, there is the Force."
"Okay, I'm convinced," said Superman, as he took a gulp of water from the pitcher on the table. "Now let's get this mediation started. See, he" he gestured at Batman, "started the whole thing when he got mad about the Flash putting a whoopie cush--" He stopped suddenly, frozen motionless. He managed to roll one eye in Batman's direction, and give him an accusatory glare.
"What happened to him?" Demanded Liam/Qui-gon.
"Combination voluntary muscle inhibitor and powerful laxative in the water. Took months to develop a drug that would affect a Kryptonian." Batman answered triumphantly. "Oh, by the way Superman, this isn't Qui-Gon Jinn, after all."
"Mph mphhpppmmmmph?"
"No. See, Qui-Gon Jinn isn't real. This is just Liam Neeson, the actor who played him in the movie."
"I'm not 'just' an actor!" Said Liam indignantly. Then he ghasped in horror. He had broken character in front of his audience! He began to sob in his shame. Meanwhile, Batman's narcotic continued it's effects on Superman.
Wonder Woman burst into the room suddenly. "Okay guys, stop what you're doing now. We just got word that Ra's Al Ghul was seen visiting Lex Luthor's private office. We need both of you to...What the hell's that smell?"
"It seems that Superman will need a change of tights before he can fight evil. Must have been something he drank." Said Batman.
To be concluded