Title: Damnation
Author: Aoife Malfoy
Characters: Established Harry/Draco
Genre: Dark/Angst
Word Count: 5,354
Rating: R for language, violence and dark themes
Warnings: AU. No HBP Spoilers. 7th year fic.
Beta: micole
Summary: When love fails and hope is lost, the end always justifies the means.
My hand tightens around the cup I am holding, bringing it halfway to my lips when you walk into the room and I promptly forget what I am supposed to be doing. Not that anybody who is looking can blame me because, of course, you had to walk in with your usual dramatics. Your court of Slytherins crowds around you as you walk though the Hall like you own the place. The smirk that you have been perfecting since we were eleven is affixed firmly on your pointy face. My eyes trail you as you reach your destination.
You put an arm around her and smile slightly when she wraps her slimy self around your proffered appendage. I grit my teeth and I lower my head, willing myself to look away but as usual my eyes don't obey me when it comes to you. I knew I deserved this little display of yours that I know you're putting on only for my benefit. You think I should have been there last night when you beckoned, instantly abandoning my duty for the sake of having your body writhing against mine in the sweetest of pleasure. However, I declined. I had obligations to fulfill that night and you knew that full well. My strenuous training sessions with the Headmaster were, after all, a weekly occurrence. But you didn't want to understand that and now you exact your revenge and with each soft look you give her and every touch you bestow upon her blemished skin, I feel myself growing angrier until I had to abruptly abandon my breakfast lest the silverware around me explode from untamed magic.
I stalk away quickly, angrier than I've been in an age. Upset that your little ploy at manipulating my weakness always works so well. I've tried everything I could not to succumb to it and to hold out on being ensnared in its sticky web but to no avail. Because every time I look at you there's something about you that calls to me. Challenging me to take you head on and make you succumb to my will. Rankling me to take that bitter mouth and silence it with mine as I tame your hostile tongue with my own. Making me want to violently assault that girl for daring to touch what is mine because as far as I'm concerned, you are. I own every gasp of surprise, every moan of pleasure and every incoherent word out of your mouth as I strip you bare of all your layers and feast upon the knowledge that what I see there before me, that rare raw vulnerability that you only show when you're naked and my cock is buried inside you, that is only for eyes alone. No else one gets to see you that weak. No one else makes you that weak and therefore in my mind's eye that makes you completely and utterly mine.
I can't remember when this deep disturbing feeling of possessiveness took over me. After all, it only seemed like yesterday when all we ever wanted from each other was a quick fuck and the thought of this becoming something more was nothing but an alien notion.
"Love? Poor sad delusional Potter. This can never be love."
"I forget that Malfoys don't have hearts."
"Actually, it is because of you that this can never turn into love."
"Oh really, Malfoy? You think you can love me then?"
"If given a chance, a certain look, a type of kiss and a offered promise."
"Never figured you for a romantic, Malfoy. Tell me then why I prevent this from becoming love."
"You can't love."
"Really? Me, a Gryffindor Lion, brave, self-sacrificing and what not, I can't love?"
"Yes exactly. You hit it right on the head. Didn't think you had in it in you, Potter. I must say some of my faith in your brain cells has been restored."
"Just get to the point, Malfoy!"
"How can you love someone when you can't even love yourself?"
"Just because I'm decent enough to save people when they're in danger doesn't mean I love myself any less!"
"Exactly! You'd throw yourself to save anyone from death! What's so special about that? All that does is give you a neater way of suicide."
"You know nothing." I said coldly.
"I know enough. I know that loving a person isn't tantamount to always sacrificing yourself, your needs, and your happiness for their sake at a drop of a hat. Loving a person doesn't mean you love yourself any less and for some reason you can't grasp that."
"Fuck you!"
"You did that already and this is why that is all it's ever going to be."
That conversation seemed so long ago and so many things have changed. At least for me it has. Somewhere along the line something shifted and it is not as casual for me anymore. My reaction to today's little display proves it. I also have no clue if you feel the same and this is adding fuel to my already hot temper.
I wait impatiently outside the Great Hall, hidden beneath a shadowed alcove and after countless minutes of waiting, I finally see you striding out of the double doors. Roughly grabbing your arm as you walk by, I pin you solidly against the wall.
"How dare you let her touch you!" I hiss through clenched teeth before I brutally claim your lips that were falling open to make some sort of protest. I devour you whole, needing badly to reinstate my claim but before I could even start to do that you roughly pull away.
"I'll let anybody touch me as much as I please, Potter." You say with a sneer.
"Oh really?" I challenge you as I pull your body flush against mine, relishing the shiver I get in response. "Does she know where to touch you to make you scream?" I taunt as I stroke the fevered column of your pale throat. "Does she know where to touch you to make you lose control?" I whisper enticingly as I palm your erection for a heated minute.
You moan and arch desperately against me, unconsciously thrusting your hips up to meet my wandering hand. I pull away viciously and snarl in triumph. "I didn't think so." And then I kiss you again, relentlessly assaulting those pink bruised lips with the strength of my jealousy. Intent on reclaiming what is rightfully mine.
Needing to breathe, you pull away from me once more, panting heavily against my ear and just as I am about to pull you into another heated kiss, you manage the strength to push me away. "Just because I let you fuck me doesn't mean you can dictate anything else about me." You drawl haughtily as you turn your head away from me. "After all if that rule doesn't apply to you, why the hell should it apply to me?" You ask coldly, but a flash of hurt flitters through your practiced veneer before you can fully disguise it.
Sighing, I run frustrated fingers through my hair. I take a deep breath to calm myself and fight for a way to explain that the world doesn't revolve around your whims. I was right in thinking this would be a monumental challenge because being the spoiled rich snob that you are, you feel you are entitled to everything you want, when you want it and if we are going to continue our relationship together, this is a misconception I should quickly dissuade you of. "Look there's nothing more I want than to tell you that you will always come first. But that's not really a promise I can keep. There is too much at stake in this war for me to just blow it off when you're feeling randy. But the one thing I can promise you is that when it's my decision I will always choose you."
"What if that's not enough?" You retort with an odd sneer and I like to think it is odd because it's tinged with disappointment.
"It's all I can give you." I say softly, futilely trying to hide the fact the next few words out of your mouth might very well destroy me if they are the ones I don't want to hear.
"Why are you with me?" You ask, your expression unreadable.
Feeling that the fate of our relationship relies upon my reply, I hedge on an answer, "Why do you think?"
"I asked you first." You retort and a hint of a teasing smile tugs at your lips and I breathe a sigh of relief.
"Because when I'm kissing you, I don't wish you were someone else." The words are soft, released on a breath, and I move a step closer. "Because when I'm with you, I don't wish I was someone else."
And then you said something that lets me know in my heart that we are meant to be together forever.
"Then that's more than what I need." You whisper softly and you take the remaining steps that separate us and pull me into an affirming kiss. "You're so sexy when you're jealous." You all but growl in my ear and I laugh in blessed relief.
"And you're such a little flirt. I should bend you over and spank you for that little stunt! I was really ready to hex that ugly cow!" I tease as I nip your lower lip.
"Do you promise?" You ask with a suggestive smirk and it's all I can do not to ravish you here and now. I pull you closer to me, my body perfectly aligned with yours as if we were made to fit together like this and I whisper softly, "I promise." Then I seal it with a kiss that ends too early for my tastes but then again even an eternity would be too brief if it was spent with you.
It was the last time I ever saw you alive.
For the very next day whilst I was away training with Dumbledore, all of the Slytherins vanished. Apparently all of the Death Eaters had decided that it was time the next generation was initiated into the fold and they were not wasting another minute waiting for their children to graduate in an institution they always hated. Earlier that month, the seventh years who were already Death Eaters had given out little green armbands to everyone in the house. It was a small blessing that you had found it too gauche to wear on your person because at the stroke of noon right in the middle of lunch, every Slytherin vanished with the help of that disguised portkey. You were actually one of the last Slytherins to remain and as you gazed in open shock at the empty House Table you were met with the cold eyes of Blaise Zabini who was offering you an extra arm band. They said you glared at Zabini and turned up your nose at his offer and then you said in that haughty remarkably Draco Malfoy way, "I, unlike the plebian masses such as yourself, do not bow before anyone especially not that bald half-dead thing you call a master. I am not on your side, Zabini. In fact the only side I want to be on is the one where they don't torture and kill their followers. So as lovely as your little proposition is, I must decline."
But that trademark defiance of yours cost dearly and you paid for it with your blood and tears. I, however, do not believe that it was worth your payment.
I know all this because Hermione and Ron were right there when it happened. Only two fucking feet away from you. They saw Zabini threaten you. They saw the killing curse zooming towards you and they did nothing. I don't care if it was the shock that froze them or that they were caught off guard but one doesn't simply stand there and watch their best mate's boyfriend get murdered!
I pound hard on the cold stone floor, eyes blurred with jagged tears and my heart breaking with despair. I try to deny what they've just told me but I can't! Your cold hard body beside me refutes any denial I could ever fool myself with. The truth is too painful to bear and I cower in the face of it. I see insanity dancing before my eyes and seeing this as an easier route I embrace it. Maybe then this already mad world where you no longer exist would start making sense to me. Maybe then I could find the courage to make this right. There is really only one thing I can do and it is a choice I am glad to make. It is the only one I can live with.
"Calm down, Harry." I hear Ron murmur, his voice laced with fright as he found out what I meant to do. "You shouldn't do this! How can you take it this hard? Didn't you hate him far longer than you even liked him?"
"That's right." Hermione interjects. "I know what happened to him was really sad and I guess in the end he was a decent bloke but you have to stop beating yourself up over this and let him go. There's nothing you can do."
"You don't get it!" I yell and I feel them flinch in the face of my madness. "People are defined by their hate as much as their love and somehow along the line him and me, we managed to fuck up those boundaries that we could no longer see them! And this just makes it all the worse! He is the anti-thesis of who I am. How can I pretend to be wholly good when he is not there to play at being two-dimensionally evil? I can't do this without him, don't you understand? There is no Harry Potter without Draco Malfoy! And the minute you let them take him, the second you decreed his life to be not worth saving, you condemned the fate of the whole world. I have to get him back! So don't you dare look down on me now as if you have any right to judge me!"
"This is fucking insane!" Ron yells, spit flying from his mouth and his face turning furious red. "You've got to be joking! I can't believe you'd even think of doing this! And all for Malfoy? I doubt he had even changed that much to be worth such a thing!"
"Yes, Harry, Ron's right. We know how you feel and I know it's awful-" Hermione begins to say but I cut her off, the suffocating stench of her hypocrisy was choking me enough that I fell short of breath.
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! He was mine! Damnit! The only thing I ever truly had, solely and completely and you took that away from me! I never asked for anything, Hermione. Not once even when I was bleeding quietly inside as I watched other children come home to loving parents while I got to be bossed around and ignored by people who hated me. Not when I was scared witless as I faced down a half-mad thing hell bent on proving his power to the world by killing me. He was all I ever wanted. Yes, Ron, exactly the way he was, a snarky, pointy-faced, uppity as hell, bigoted little idiot."
Unable to stop myself, I look over to where you lie and the image that greets me breaks my heart all over again. Your beautiful face is still, devoid of the animated expressions that usually grace it. Your hands are cold, robbed of their warmth and calloused gentleness. But it is your eyes that haunt me the most, because whilst they have lost their shine and are now flat and lifeless, they hold a curious look to them that almost makes you seem peaceful. It's as if before you died you accepted your fate and surrendered to it fully even if it meant leaving me behind.
Suddenly my rage zeroes in on you. How could you be so selfish? How could you die? Knowing how much I cared about you! Did you not think your death would kill me too? Always the Slytherin! Always the Malfoy! Never thinking about anybody but yourself! How could you leave me? I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
My fury pushes me to grab your stiff shoulders and shake you violently as I scream, "I hate you! Do you hear that, you selfish fucking son of a bitch! I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for dying. I hate you for looking so damn peaceful when I feel like my whole fucking world has just collapsed!" Your body shifts from left to right as I shake you and then I realize what I am doing and I pause. "But most of all," I embrace you fiercely. "I hate you for making me lie."
And as quickly as it possessed me, my rage dies out and I am left sobbing brokenly as I cradle you in my arms. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! Oh gods Draco! I love you! You have to believe me! I know I never said it but it's true. I love you! Please come back! I'll do anything! I'll even stop getting so jealous and I'll blow off as many training sessions as you want, just please I'm begging you, come back! I'll be good! Oh gods just please! Please!"
But your body remains unresponsive and death, now that it has something as exquisite as you, is unwilling to let go of its claim. My display has shocked the occupants of the room and it is mercifully silent, only occasionally broken by my hysterical tears.
"Do you really love him?" A steady voice penetrates my shattered mind and I'm forced to meet Ron's firm gaze. He's begging me with his eyes to give him an answer that would make sense in his wholesome Gryffindor world. And it almost makes me want to throw my head back in hilarity or beat it bloody into the floor. What is it with this sappy concept of love? Would it have made any difference if they knew for sure about my feelings for him? Would they have tried harder then? Could it be that if I decreed it in the name of love, it would be okay to bend the laws of nature and man? Do the gods themselves bow before its name?
"Would it have mattered?" I respond finally after what seemed like a suspended state of eternity and he winces at the accusation in it.
"Probably not." He answers and it's neither mocking nor flippant, just plain truth in the harshest light of day. It makes me want to punch him for saying it and at the same time it makes me forgive him slightly for his shortcomings. He, at least, has the decency to be aware of his prejudices and it is a better apology than any honeyed word that could have come from his mouth.
I sense that he needs to hear it. Not so that he can understand it, for even I am not delusional enough now to expect that from him but he needed to hear it all the same but it has to be the truth. "I love him, Ron." And the minute this declaration passes through my lips, I am infinitely saddened. For you never heard me say that, did you? It shames me that the only time I have ever admitted this truth was when you were no longer here to hear it and the person I declared it to was not you but my best friend. This strengthens my resolve even more. I can change this. I know I can.
"I need him." I say the look of single-minded determination set on my face and he sighs when he sees this and recognizes the expression for what it was. This was the expression on my face when I killed Bellatrix after all. "I want him." I add and I just knew that no amount of challenges or opposition will stop me.
"You know I can't help you, Harry, because I think what you're going to do is wrong. But I will not stand in your way either." He says gravely, his face pensive and sad as he claps a hand on my shoulder.
A chastising call of 'RON!' interrupts him and he rudely cuts her off. "Shove it, Hermione!"
"I'd like to think I know you better by now and I realize that nothing I can say or do will ever change your mind. I'm scared shitless for you, mate. I won't lie. I'm horrified that you might be turning into another Voldemort right in front of my eyes but I also know the uselessness of anger and despair. So instead I offer you what I always have, faith. I know that if there is anyone in the world who can come back from the deepest pits of darkness, it is you. So no matter what happens, just know that I'll be here, mate. Don't you ever forget that." Ron promised fiercely, the look of loyalty in his eyes weighed down by the helplessness underneath it.
"That's more than I can ask for." I whisper gratefully because really it is. I knew neither of them approved but I never asked for that in the first place. "Are you scared that it won't work?" I call out to his retreating form.
He turns back with a look I couldn't decipher, before answering softly. "I'm terrified it will."
Then they leave. She is the last one to go. A question deep within her eyes, something that's driving her mad because she doesn't know the answer to it like she does the rest of the time. But no, that's not true. She knows the answer. She just couldn't and wouldn't understand it. That was always the difference between her and Ron. Ron never really needed to comprehend anything to place his faith in it. He understood that acceptance doesn't always mean understanding. And Merlin bless him because that was the kind of blind faith and love I've always needed for most of my life.
I've mostly calmed down now. The yelling and the shouting have helped to release my pent up emotions. I no longer hold any of them accountable for your death. After all, what really could they have done? They didn't betray me.
Neither did you. It was I who caused your death. It was I who betrayed you. Because the moment you needed me, I wasn't there.
Dropping one last kiss on your pallid forehead, I sweep away, determined to get everything I need for this to actually work. I quickly make it to the Forbidden Forest and begin to make my way quietly to the place where I last saw that magnificent creature. Braving the centaurs, the spiders and whatever other nasty creatures that I'm sure live in this part of the forest, I stand in the small clearing I remember running from my first year. Then kneeling and holding my arms open wide, I begin to sing. It is a beautiful melody taught to me by Hagrid and the cruel irony of it is not lost on me but I need to do this. It is soothing and calm and when sung by one of pure heart, it can also draw out the unicorns that were unable to resist it like a siren's call.
After half an hour of singing, my throat is beginning to get hoarse and still no unicorns had shown up. I was starting to loose hope when suddenly I hear the soft sound of hooves. I tense slightly and ready my wand just in case it is a centaur instead. But I quickly stow it away when I look up and I am met with the gaze of the gentle blue eyes of a Unicorn foal. I stare in rapt wonder at its shining golden hooves and its shiny golden coat. I've never seen something so amazingly beautiful. It stops right in front of me and licks my face. I laugh because it tickles and I pet its head softly, I am amazed that it trusts me so easily until I suddenly remember Hagrid telling us in our second year that the foals were more trusting of boys than when they were fully grown. My face falls as I remember what I was here for and I curse Voldemort once more for putting me in this position. My hand is sweaty where I gripped the dagger that is lying between us and I am trapped in a moment of indecision. My mind flashes back to that conversation with Firenze.
"It is a monstrous thing, to slay a unicorn. Only one who has nothing to lose, and everything to gain, would commit such a crime. The blood of a unicorn will keep you alive, even if you are an inch from death, but at a terrible price. You have slain something pure and defenseless to save yourself, and you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the blood touches your lips."
The paradox of the situation hits me painfully and I'm forced to face the gravity of my future crime. If I were to do this I will be exactly like Voldemort, something that I've been fastidiously wary of since the day I found out we have too many similarities to begin with and apparently this one was to be added to it. I gaze lovingly at the foal and I feel it nuzzling my neck as it tries to console me. I am crying now, weeping tears for you, for myself and lastly, for this foal as well. Because even when I was faced with the full consequences of my actions, I never wavered in my choice. To get you back I would do anything. Even this. For I lied when I said I hadn't seen anything more exquisite than this foal. I've seen something that surpasses even this beauty and that is an image of you naked and writhing in pleasure as I thrust into your body and I'd give, kill, steal and forsake anything for even a second of that moment.
With a shuddering cry, I tighten my hold on the unicorn's neck and as I sob into its mane I whisper in anguish, "Forgive me." Then before I can change my mind, I embed the dagger deeply into its throat. The little unicorn gives a pained cry that wounds my very soul. Blood spurts everywhere, the silver-blue substance soaking my front and dripping onto the ground. I scramble to collect it in my vial and as I lay the dying foal down, I quickly collect the anguished tears that are coursing down its face. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I repeat over and over again but I don't stop harvesting what I need. Finally gathering enough blood and tears, I abruptly flee the scene like I did my First Year, the only difference is that there is no Voldemort to run away from and the only monster that was in that clearing was me.
Several moments later, I'm shaking and vomiting back in that room. The disgust and sorrow I felt when I took the unicorn's life finally getting the better of me. I take deep breaths as I grip my wand tighter and strengthen my resolve. There's no turning back now. I crawl over to your body. I run covetous fingers down your pallid face and kiss your ice cold lips once more. I can do this. I can save you. I will not fail you a second time. I thank the gods that Dumbledore in his infinite wisdom or inherent stupididty, it really depended on how one sees it, had ordered Snape to teach me about Death Eater rituals in the beginning of the year. Then with all the yearning my heart possessed and all the power I have learned to harness, I make a series of complex and intricate wand movements to conjure a powerful protection bubble around us. It would not do to be interrupted by anybody. Necromancy, after all, is a highly volatile form of magic. I lay your body gently on the ground, making pains to be sure you're comfortable and positioned properly. Then I take out the vial of unicorn blood and shakily I dip my finger in it. A whimper escapes me as I recall what I had just done but I continue. It was too late for regret. Your death has already damned me and I am already living a half life without you. It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does, except this.
I began to paint runic symbols onto your body. "Aelous." I whisper lovingly as I draw the runic symbol for wind on the tops of your feet. "Acqua." I chant as I paint the rune for water on the palm of your right hand. "Accendo" I intone as I draw the fire symbol on your left palm. "Auris." I say as I kiss your forehead once more before I paint the Earth rune on it. Then tipping the remaining blood from the vial I pour it over your chest, right above your heart and say, "Anima."
Next, I take the vial of tears and pour it over your head. "Abluere."
Then I begin to chant the spell three times. "I call the ancient powers of the wind, the fire, the earth and the water. Grant me this request. I offer you the purest blood of the innocent and the saddest of all tears. Bring back what is lost and take what is found. Be it my mind, my body, my soul. Aelous. Acqua. Accendo. Auris. Abluere. Anima!"
I feel the candles flicker all around me and the heavy stench of magic clings in the air so thick I almost choke on it. The air around us cackles with energy signaling the completion of the runic phase. Crouching down to reach you, I quickly inhale all the oxygen I can take into my lungs then I cover your still lips with mine and exhale the air into your mouth. I repeat this ritual two more times and then when the swirl of magic around the room is at its peak, I intone. "Exitus acta probat! Inferius!"
Please work. I need you back. Come home. My heart races faster as I wait for the results with bated breath. Finally you do something that I never thought you'd do again. You blink. I sob gratefully as I pull you close, my tears wetting your still ashen face. I kiss every inch of you that I can reach and I thank every deity in heaven that I know of. You're back! You're back! You're back! That's all that matters.
I don't even notice your stilted movements, your still cold face, and your now empty grey eyes. Instead I focus on the one fact that is more important to me than everything.
You can never leave me again.
Finite.
AN: Yes, Draco did really die. Yes, Harry went insane. Yes, Harry made Draco into an Inferi. No, I will not a write a happier ending.
AN: First off, this was a bitch to write because I had the bright idea to write it in first person narrative using present tense. Also this is probably my "Holy shit! That's wrong even for you" fic. I've written angst, romance, humor, fluff and I wanted to try something new. So this is my first foray into dark! fics. How did I do? Oh and secondly this is actually the light version of this fic. The dark version is much more fucked up.
Love it? Hate it? Comments are Love!
Exitus acta probat- Let the ends justify the means
Aelous. Acqua. Accendo. Auris. Abluere. Anima- Wind. Water. Fire. Earth. Purfify him. Give him life.