He Hates the Way She Argues
Carth sat in his chair in the pilot's seat, his cap over his eyes and his feet propped up on the desk. It was a pretty quiet evening for him; there was no madness, no growling, no games, and no Sith.
Yup, Carth was pretty happy.
With a content sight he stretched his arms backward, holding them in position until he heard a satisfying pop. True, he did have the night shift. But night was when she was asleep. And if he could avoid her, then he would be just fine.
Carth growled. Just the thought of that woman made his blood boil. Serena was such an annoying person, one wouldn't ever think of her as being Revan! Revan was sadistic, Revan was evil, Revan could go five minutes without losing her charm and suave. But not this woman. She was all over the place. And she loved to torment Carth.
It shouldn't have surprised him when she turned up behind him, but it did. He should have expected it. She's always trying to scare him. She cleared her throat, placing a gloved hand in front of her pungent red lips.
Not that Carth noticed how red they were.
"You know Carth," She chided, smoothing back her silky brown hair in one sweep of her hand. "You're in my seat."
"What?" He asked. Turning the seat around to face her, she crossed her eyes and put on that annoying grin Carth loathed.
"Did I stutter?" She retaliated, shaping her hand like a blaster and pointing it to her head. "It's my ship, I'm captain, it's my seat."
"You've never cared before." Carth seethed through gritted teeth. He wouldn't let this one go without a fight.
"Well, you've always been asleep when I'm awake or awake when I'm asleep. But I've caught you at it now." She pointed a finger at him. "That's right! Caught you red-handed!"
"My hands are gloved, how can you tell they're red?" Carth asked blatantly.
"It's an expression, bone-head!" She pulled his left ear with some force. "Now get out of my seat."
"It's my seat." Carth argued, wrapping his legs around the cemented stands of the chair.
"Is not."
"Is too."
"Said who?" Serena cried, clicking her tongue. "I'm the one who's the Ex-Sith Lord! I give the rules!"
She had a point.
"It's my seat." Carth persisted. Serena scowled.
"Is not."
"Is too."
"WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE!" Serena shouted. She ran into the main hold. "I'm going to dump all of your coffa out into space, then we'll see who gets the chair!" With a maniacal laughter, Serena took the coffa jar off of its heating pad.
"Don't do it!" Carth came running. Without his coffa, he was nothing. She held it up in the air, dangling at the edge of her delicate fingers. She sniggered. "The coffa isn't who you've got the grudge against. Put the coffa down."
"Oh, but it's just so much fun doing this." Serena let her finger slip, watching Carth cringe as it bobbed in the air. "It's my chair."
"It's my ship." Carth said abruptly. Serena started.
"Excuse me?" She asked, eyeing the coffa. Carth sighed. Might as well finish what he started.
"I took it from Davik, it's my ship."
"I got my nose broken by Davik to get it!" Serena growled. "I had to tackle Calo Nord with his stupid thermal detonator in his hands to save all of us! It's my ship!"
"It's mine. I've been captain."
"Well, I saved the galaxy and now I want my ship." Serena switched tactics. Carth smirked.
"So you do admit that it's my ship?" Carth asked.
"I'm letting you borrow it." Serena decided. "And now I want it back."
"You can't have it." The finger slipped even more. Carth's knees about buckled. "Don't drop it!" He flinched.
"You mean this?" Serena pulled her hand away from it and let it drop two inches. Carth dropped to his knees, trying to catch it. Serena pulled it back up with her Force.
Mission walked through the hallways about this time.
"Hey, guys?" She asked. Her eyes bulged. "What are you doing, Carth?"
Serena shrugged, setting the coffa onto the table next to her. Her Jedi robes crinkled slightly as she stretched. Carth stared at the small Twi'lek through wide eyes.
"Oh, you know." Serena grinned. "I was pouring him some coffa when he suddenly begged me to take the ship from him. It was like he didn't want it any more. It seems he figured out I'm the better pilot."
"What?" Mission giggled. "Frak, Carth, if you wanted to give it away that badly you should have just said so. I mean, it looks like you're going to propose or something."
"Me, propose to her?" Carth steamed. "Not if someone held a blaster to my head. Not if Dustil was held hostage by the Sith."
"Frak it! Scratch that off the list, Mish." Serena snapped her fingers. "And then come get some coffa. Carth obviously doesn't want any."
"It's my coffa!" Carth whined. Mission giggled once more, running off to find the datapad entitled, "Ways to get Carth to Propose".
"Well, Force, Carth! It's your coffa! It's your ship! What do you bet you'll say it's your chair next?" Serena snarled.
"If it's part of the ship, it's mine!" Carth got to his feet, throwing a fist into the air.
"Really?" Serena giggled, swinging the coffa around lazily. Carth's muscles tensed. "It's my ship, so it can't be yours."
"I'm going to tell you this one last time, sister. It's my ship." Carth warned.
"Funny, I think it's mine."
"Will both of you two lovebirds stop that chattering?" Jolee screeched, storming into the room. His striped night gown hung at his heels and his nightcap hung on the side of his head.
"Joe-Joe?" Serena called, holding a hand in the airto get his attention. He snarled.
"My name is not Joe-Joe!" He said through gritted teeth.
"Joey, whatever." Serena waved a hand. "Why do you wear a nightcap if you're bald?"
"I am not bald!" The so-called "Joey" retaliated. "I have hair."
"Well, yeah, but it's like a ring around the baldness, attracting the eye to the big brown bald spot on top of your head. I mean I can see myself in it if I squint." Serena made circles in the air with her index finger on her gloved right hand. Jolee growled. Serena waved the subject off. "Anyway, tell this man that the ship belongs to me."
"Wrong." Everyone gasped, turning on their heels.
A bright blue light emanated from the corridor as Bastila's silhouette shone through. Her hands were on her hips and her head faced the wall, showing a strange profile of the over-toned cheekbones. She stepped into the main hold, dissipating the light and showing a woman with her hair ruffled into various spots on her head. She still wore her Jedi Robes, which were by now so wrinkled that you could ride a roller coater into them, crash and burn, then slip and slide the rest of the way to the bottom.
"It's my ship." She yawned, scratching her hip lazily.
"What makes you think that, Your Highness?" Serena droned.
"I'm the greatest Jedi ever! I should have my own ship and subjects. It's my ship, it's my universe, and you're all my slaves!" Bastila cackled maniacally, blinked, then stared around emotionlessly. "What am I doing here?" She asked, staring around. "I was just in the girls' dorm and now I'm here…."
"A sleepwalking Jedi always shows their true colors, oh demoted one." Serena clasped her hands together and bowed deeply. Bastila gasped.
"Demoted?" She crooned. "But why?"
"You're trying to take over my ship. It's my ship!"
"You seem to be forgetting me." Carth poked her.
"No, I remembered you were there."
"It's my ship."
"It's mine."
"It's mine."
"IT'S MINE!" Serena whirled into Jolee. "Jimmy, please tell Carth that it's my ship."
"Oh, for the sake of the Force!" Jolee groaned. "We'll split the ship in half already!"
"But then we won't be able to fly it, Jiminy." Serena added. "I doubt even you in your prime of against-the-Jedi's-wishes-piloting could fly a half a ship."
"Well, Serena," Jolee fumed. "We won't cut it in half, we'll tape it in half. Mission! Bring that huge roll of holo-glue. Yes, that's it. Now, this will only take a minute…."
-----
Tap, tap, tap….
"…..Jesus? Are you done yet?"
"NO!"
"Sorry." Serena tapped the table again. She sighed, crossing one leg over the other. "How about now? Are you done yet?"
"I will tell you when I'm done splitting the ship, Serena." Jolee stressed.
"Well, it's been like…. a billion hours already. You're taking too long."
"It's been four minutes, Serena." Jolee groaned, returning his attention to his work.
"Well, old people take too long. You should seriously join a gym or something, Jerry."
"Will you get my name right?" Jolee screamed.
"It's not Jorge?" Serena's head jerked up. "Then why have you let me call you the wrong name since Kashyyyk?"
"He hasn't." Carth sat on the other side of the table, drumming his fingers lightly against the top. "You've never listened to him, just like everyone else on this ship."
Serena stared at Carth, inching closer to his face, so she was nose-to-nose with him. He started in surprise. Her eyes were wide and curious.
"What's wrong, Mr. Gloomy-Gloopy-Glomber?"
"…." Carth stared at her wide eyes, straining to hold back a laugh and focused on relaxing his muscles in his face. "What's a Gloopy-Glomber?" He asked, managing to keep a straight face.
"I don't know; I was just stringing syllables together. You figure it out." Serena poked his forehead with her sharpest nail.
"We're done!" Mission called from the engine room. "The whole ship has been split in half!"
"I get the half with the pilot's seat!" Carth's hand shot in the air. Serena giggled loudly, falling out of the chair and slapping her sides.
"That's where you're wrong." She managed from the laughter, struggling to stand.
"Why?" Carth asked.
"Because, Onasi," Serena laced her fingers together and rested her head on them. "The men's dorm is on the opposite side of the pilot's chair."
Carth laughed in disbelief, calculating the words the woman said. It was true. The pilot's seat was on the left half of the ship, while Carth's room was on the right. Serena's, meanwhile, was conveniently on the same side. Carth puffed up, and watched as Serena floored herself once more.
"You planned this all along!" He shouted, pointing at her accusingly. Serena shrugged.
"I do like to stay twelve steps ahead of people." She giggled, chewing on a glove. "Now that the ship is mine again, where do you people want to go? The galaxy is ours to explore! We can go to Nar Shadaa and bring down the Exchange system there, we could go to the Corellian system and provoke the newborn rancors, we could even go back to Kashyyyk and gather up the rest of Jingle's things!"
"I give up…." Jolee shook his head, walking out of the room. "Wake me in the morning, if the ship's still in one piece."
Carth fumed, watching Jolee walk away. He wasn't doing anything to help Carth!
"You are one merciless woman." He snarled at Serena. She crossed her eyes, pointing at herself.
"Hello, you're talking to an Ex-Sith Lord!" She joked. "I'm good at this kind of thing."
"You say that like it's a good thing." Carth spat. Mission stood next to Serena.
"Hey, I'm the one with the ship, aren't I?" The Jedi giggled. "Now go finish your shift."
Serena turned and left, dragging Mission along with her.
Carth balled his fists together, growling to himself as he marched into the cockpit and sat in the pilot's chair.
Serena's chair.
Carth sat in Serena's chair, his cap over his eyes and his feet propped up on the desk. It was a pretty frustrating evening for him; what with the threat upon his precious coffa, his ship lost to him over his sleeping quarters, and being humiliated in front of both the oldest and the youngest members of the crew, he was half expecting the Sith to pop up in front of him and blow the Ebon Hawk to smithereens.
Yup, Carth was pretty frustrated.
Kicking the wall, Carth sat up in the chair and slammed his fists onto the desk.
"Damn woman. I hate the way she argues!"
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Yeah, I'll update when I get around to it. I'm surprise my mom let me get on the computer today. So please review and tell me how my first plausible humor fic went!
Amme Moto