Creation began on 10-13-18
Creation ended on 10-14-18
Neon Genesis Evangelion
Nonexistence is Freedom
A/N: I just saw the last episode of FLCL: Alternative and it felt somewhat terrible, and it only made me want to write this story down to add more insight to the future of my multiversal series regarding the Eva franchise. Here goes…
All these different lives that aren't truly mine, all these different outcomes that elude myself… How long before I can shut my eyes…and know they'll never open again? Buildings reduced to debris, people reduced to ashes, but I continue to go on, even after all I desire…is the breath of finality. If this is immortality, it is the ultimate curse because I don't want it.
Every now and then, amongst the vastness of the cosmos, across the stars, beyond the galaxies, I can't ever escape from the pain of these memories belonging to these people that are just different shades of my own soul, spanning across all these…possibilities that do nothing but hurt me because of that woman. Even as I clench my fists, being unable to find my mother and punish her to the full extent of how much I want to make her suffer for all of this that I find myself forced to go through. How long has it been since I last saw her? A day, a year, or was it a century? Sometimes, I can't even remember the last time I ever had a nice dream…if my own memories of the times I wasn't their pawn could even be considered nice dreams! And then, there were the memories that weren't mine!
Every time I feel like I've reached my end, I end up right where I am. Any end would suffice for me. Getting eaten by Titans… Burning to death in the sun… Hell, even a simple gunshot to my damn head would be appreciated, so long as Mother is dead and I never have to go on like this or anything else!
Solitude… Isolation… Inevitability… Nonexistence… Damnation…
"If Heaven won't take me," I once heard someone say to me, "there's always Hell."
Personally, I'd say the same thing to Mother, if I had that option…and I'd rather have that than what she put me through. Heaven, something I always understood as a place where only the pure and good reside after death, a place where pain is nonexistent, where everyone even has wings and a halo, but I never saw a white light or any of that…because I've been deprived of the greatest right people possess upon their first breath. Even if I take my last breath, it never ends for me because that final breath eludes me. And even if I can't get into Heaven, I'll settle for Hell if it means freedom from existence.
"I take it you were able to reach out to that version of you that hadn't aged for years after suffering?" A woman that merely looked like my mother…but wasn't my mother, asked me, and I turned to the glass sphere I kept her in to remind myself that I hated her, no matter whether she knew me or not.
"I hate you when you talk to me," I told her. "Why does it matter to you whether I meet another person like myself that wants revenge?"
"You ever thought about just living?"
"Except I don't want what was forced upon me. I never asked for this. Tell me something. Were you ever afraid to die?"
"Honestly, I'd choose Heaven if I ever had to die."
"Well, for me, there is no Heaven because of what you and those like you did. No Heaven, no God, no peace. The only thing I have to look forward to until who-knows-when is eternity like this, living with these memories of lives that aren't my own, endless perversions of what could've been! It's like watching television indefinitely, seeing all these places that I was never going to go to, seeing all these people that I was never going to meet…or that had abandoned me, betrayed me, my feelings. Of course, I wanted to see them again, more than anything…but they didn't want to see me again. Well, loneliness has become the worst awakening to my soul! People only see me as a means to an end…then they deserve to be cast aside. Family, friends, feelings, what do they mean to those that want them but can't have them, that had them but didn't appreciate their worth, or that never got to appreciate their worth?! I don't need any of those, anymore. And the worst part is that I don't blame any deities, who are supposed to be the givers and takers of everything. No, I blame people like my parents, like you! So I thank you for leaving me with no shred of hope! I thank you for this endless existence! No gratitude is greater than my spitefulness towards you. Not even the desire to die. I'd be eternally grateful just to be erased from existence, because that is true freedom. The right to sleep forever, never to awaken again…would bestow my undying joy. No more seeing life through different eyes, seeing these different sides of me that hurt more than words can describe."
His words were harsh and detached from his heart, which she had doubts was even capable of the most basic compassion, anymore. She was reminded from his contempt that the only reason she was even alive, the only reason he didn't hate her as much as he hated the woman that bore him was because she came from a universe where he didn't exist, where she had never met or married a man named Gendo Rokubungi. In his mind, a universe where there was no such person as Shinji Ikari, past, present or future…was a godsend, a gracious mercy…because all this boy wanted to do was die…but his mother held his right to do just that in her possession…and she was constantly running from him, hiding from him. If other people were going to suffer because of a woman that became a disgrace to women that actually wanted children to love and raise to do better than they could've been, then this…primordial Yui Ikari deserved whatever fate she was likely to get from her son.
"If you find her," she spoke to him, her tone dejected…and hopeful, "and you get rid of her, allowing you to achieve your desire to die…will I be allowed to go free? I didn't get to have kids of my own and I didn't want any due to my situation, so I ask if I'm allowed to return to my hopeless universe after you have fulfilled your goal and find the woman that hurt you."
He looked at her and responded, "When my mother, the real you, is found, apprehended, and dealt with severely…you'll have my permission to go home."
The alternate Yui sat back in her glass prison and sighed.
"Then I hope you get her soon," she told him; if these alternate universes truly existed, and they made up a multiverse based on actions and reactions and different possibilities, and if there was such a thing as a primary universe where it was the first one that fractured into many others, then she had to hope that the original Yui Ikari, the real woman that this boy, her son in another life, hated so much for making him live against his will, was found and disposed of because she didn't enjoy being a prisoner just because they were related in a sense…or hated. We shouldn't have to be subjected to these undesired predicaments just because his mother, some other me, chooses to run and hide instead of facing the consequences of her decisions. I grew up hearing that mothers and scientists are supposed to be moral individuals, but this woman has been described as being completely immoral. She abandoned her son to play eternal testament of people's existence, whatever the Hell that means, and she expects people to follow her beliefs? How sick and pathetic is that? She makes me not want to have kids, anymore. I couldn't do anything like that to them.
"And to answer your earlier question," she heard him say to her, "yes, I did reach out to him…and he responded that he wants revenge, too."
That answer brought the numbers of alternate Shinji Ikaris and other people from other universes where they all suffered and became this original's allies to forty-seven now. The primordial one was building an army to go after one person that clearly deserved to be taken out.
But will he do it? The alternate Yui thought. Can he do it?
What is to come?
A/N: Again, another story that tells of the original Shinji's corruption due to how bad things are becoming for him, but I'm sure some of you can sympathize with him to a degree over his predicament. I mean, if you wanted to die, but someone wouldn't let you, even though it was what you wanted more than anything, wouldn't you go crazy a little?