"So let me get dis straight." Danny said frowning as he looked at the husband of their victim who they'd thought was having an online affair based on some instant messages they'd found on his computer. "Ya had an affair wit ya own wife?" He asked hoping they could disprove it since he was their only suspect.
"Not an affair." The man said sighing heavily. "We've been having problems." He admitted. "We met online and things were so good, I mean I'm not good with words when I'm talking but when we first met it was like we shared everything." He said blue eyes bright with tears. "So when she moved out into her sisters house I thought it would be a way we could talk and it was working." He said shrugging lightly. "It was like old times and we started talking through our problems, she just moved back home." He said face collapsing with tears.
"Do you know anyone who might want to hurt her?" Lindsay asked softly and he shook his head no.
"Aright we'll be in touch." Danny said standing up and walking out glancing over at Lindsay noting that she still looked hurt. "Don't tell me ya believe him?" He asked as they walked into their office.
"I believe him." She said avoiding Danny's eye contact and sitting. "Those emails were nice, he was trying to get his wife back." She said shrugging and tossing the stack of emails he hadn't read to him.
"Huh." He said frowning. "Looks like she wasn't interested at first." He said glancing at the first transcripts. "Wonder what he did?"
"I'll just let you read that." She said standing up and grabbing her jacket.
"Lindsay." He said jumping up and looking around. "Maybe we can go grab some supper?" He asked hoping that at some point she'd if not forgive him at least talk to him. He knew he hurt her, he wasn't stupid but he wasn't ready to face living without her.
"I'm just gonna go home." She said shaking her head and walking out. She couldn't talk to him, she wasn't ready to let him see what he'd done to her and one look into her eyes and he'd see. He'd been honest, at least she thought he was being honest when he told her it was a one time thing with Rikki but his having sex with someone else made her doubt everything that they'd ever had. More than her trust had been broken, her heart was broken and she had to keep up a good front, had to work with him everyday. He kept asking her to do things, she knew he wanted to try to make it up to her and didn't know how but she wasn't ready, didn't know if she'd ever be ready at this point. She knew all about pain, she also knew about pushing people away was an expert but hadn't really had it happen to her. She felt guilty for pushing people away in the past, for hurting them knowing now how bad it hurt. She closed her eyes on the subway letting her mind wander, thinking about him with her. What hurt more than the fact that he had sex with her was that he obviously trusted her, felt comfortable sharing his pain with her. "Stop it." She said out loud opening her eyes fighting tears of pain and humiliation. She pulled out a magazine knowing that thinking about it was only going to make her feel worse and she didn't want to end up bawling on the subway even if no one would notice.
"What?" She asked out loud as she heard her computer make a buzzing sound. She put her soup down and walked over frowning as she saw an invitation from NYCowboy. "Ok." She said typing in a response that she didn't know who it was and no thanks. She was almost back to the couch when the computer buzzed again and she walked back over an annoyed expression on her face. "Thought it was worth a try, I'm willing to fight for us." She whispered sinking down onto the chair. "Dammit Danny." She said softly staring at the computer. He was doing what their suspect had done and she wasn't sure she was ready to even hear him. "Shit shit shit." She swore fighting the urge to bang her head on the desk. This wouldn't be so hard if she didn't love him, didn't want to hear why he couldn't trust her. "Fine." She said accepting the invitation to chat creating a user profile of Stillhurtcountrygirl.
NYCowboy- That's some user name.
Stillhurtcountry- I thought it was appropriate.
NYCowboy-So uh what's your name?
Stillhurtscountry- Sally.
NYCowboy- Sally huh, that's an interesting name.
Stillhurtscountry- Thanks….
NYCowboy- My name is Tony…So you seeing anyone?
"You're an idiot Messer." He said out loud after he'd sent the message. He was trying to do like the suspect had done, at first they pretended not to know each other but he really expected her to log off at any second.
Stillhurtscountry- I don't know. I was but I'm not sure where we stand.
NYCowboy- Sounds like he messed up.
Stillhurtscountry- We both messed up we're experts at pushing people away but yeah he really hurt me.
NYCowboy- Did he try to talk to you?
Stillhurtscountry- Yes, right now I can't listen, I just don't know how to hear him. To many thoughts inside my head. Believe it or not I'm not usually the kind of girl men cheat on.
NYCowboy- You know they say that cheating isn't about sex.
Stillhurtscountry- People who say that obviously haven't been cheated on. I'm aware of the saying and I think that hurts worse, that he couldn't come to me, to trust me.
NYCowboy- Maybe he was scared. Maybe he didn't want you to think of him like a weak little man.
Stillhurtscountry- But he trusted her, was able to be vulnerable with her so I guess he'll never know how I would have reacted.
NYCowboy- He probably didn't trust her, he probably felt guilty, like he owed her for taking someone away from her. He didn't mean to sleep with her but he was trying to be there for her, he knew she was in pain and it might have been easier for him to take care of someone than to admit that he needed you.
Stillhurtscountry-To bad he didn't owe it to me to come to me, his girlfriend when he was hurting.
NYCowboy- Ouch…I'm sure he regrets that decision more than anything.
Stillhurtscountry- I don't doubt that he does but I don't know that I can get past it.
NYCowboy- He's probably willing to do anything.
Stillhurtscountry- I can't stand the thought of him holding her, of touching her like he touched me. I don't sleep around and I thought what we had was special, I thought he knew that.
NYCowboy- He probably didn't hold her, it was probably nothing like what you and him have, it was probably just mindless because he can't be mindless with you. With you it's mental and physical and maybe mindless fucking has been his crutch for years, the way he gets through a tough time. Maybe he just saw a way to forget about his pain, to drown it but that doesn't mean that what you and him had wasn't special.
Stillhurtscountry- So I'm not supposed to be hurt? He still had sex with her.
NYCowboy- Do you think you can ever trust him again?
Stillhurtscountry- I don't know, I don't think I can trust myself anymore.
NYCowboy- He didn't mean to fuck all this up, didn't mean to hurt you, he just wanted to hurt himself. Maybe subconsciously he was afraid you'd leave him, that you'd think about what happened with Ruben and realize how much better you could do. Maybe he didn't want you to know how bad he was hurting because you'd see that he really was to blame.
Stillhurtscountry- Whatever did or didn't happen with us I would never blame him about Ruben's death, it wasn't his fault. He could sleep with all the women in the world and lie to me but I know he'd never intentionally hurt a child. What happened was an accident and he followed protocal and it sucks but it did happen and he's got to find some way to get past it. I only hope him sleeping with her helped him.
NYCowboy- It probably didn't, he probably stood in front of your apartment every night, trying to get up the courage to knock. He probably wanted to answer every time you called but knew that he'd fall apart.
Stillhurtscountry- Well at least he could trust her to help him even if he couldn't trust me, I might be hurt and pissed but I don't want him to be on his own in this, I hope he can still at least talk to her.
NYCowboy- He probably moved, couldn't walk into his apartment without seeing what he'd done to his life. He probably told her that he was sorry about what happened but he couldn't let it happen again, that he had a girlfriend and he had to try to save it.
Stillhurtscountry- To bad he can't open up to me like you can.
NYCowboy- I guess you can say anything when you have nothing left to lose. I had this great girlfriend, she was perfect for me. First woman I ever could see myself settling down with but I messed it up. I should have been honest with her right from the start of our relationship, should have told her a bunch of stuff about my family so that when shit went down I wouldn't have been so afraid to go to her, wouldn't have been so afraid of her learning my secrets.
Stillhurtscountry- You could tell me, we could practice with each other so that maybe we can get it right next time?
NYCowboy- My father is a fuck up, hurt me and my brother real bad. I promised myself I would never be like him, that if I ever got to have kids that I would protect them with my life.
Stillhurtscountry- You're not your father.
NYCowboy- I met this kid, he lived down the hall from me and he was about 4 and one day I came home from playing basketball and he ran down the hall and wanted to play. His mom apologized, said he didn't have a dad and she should really take him to do more boy things. It started out small, him and me just playing soccor in the halls and after a while his mom let me take him to the courts, I took him to the park taught him how to throw. I guess it felt good to have him look up to me, I felt like I was doing a good job you know, that maybe I could someday be a good dad.
Stillhurtscountry- I'm still here, listening.
NYCowboy- Then I was taking him to get his bike blessed, been doing it every year and he got killed, I wasn't watching close enough and he got killed. His mom trusted me and I had to tell her that he wasn't coming home.
Stillhurtscountry- I can't imagine how bad that hurt.
NYCowboy- Yeah made it worse that I couldn't sleep, had terrible nightmares and I couldn't sleep with my girlfriend cause I didn't want her to know I wasn't sleeping cause of the nightmares. I know she would have understood, she's got nightmares of her own but I was afraid I'd you know say something and.
Stillhurtscountry- You still there Tony?
NYCowboy- She's not the kind of girl you can lie to, so I was afraid she'd see what my night mares were about and so I pushed her away. Then things started to crumble apart. Now he has no idea how to make it right.
Stillhurtscountry- I don't know where to go from here…
NYCowboy- Me either but this guy, he's willing to do anything you got any ideas?
Stillhurtscountry- I think your girlfriend needs some time. Maybe you could invite her for coffee, talk about non important things, get back to comfortable together because she probably misses her best friend.
NYCowboy- I know I miss her. We used to tease each other, I love flirting with her.
Stillhurtscountry- She probably misses it too.
NYCowboy- So maybe we can talk on here again?
Stillhurtscountry- Yeah that would be nice, I will talk to you later I need to get to bed.
NYCowboy- Sweet dreams Sally.
Stillhurtscountry- Night.