Swim Til You Drown
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Addison sat perched on the toilet, legs bent and spread slightly. He knees trembled slightly as she leaned forward and held a thin pregnancy test between her thighs. She chewed her lip as she pulled the test forward and balanced it on the bathroom counter. She glanced at her watch and tugged her pajamas up, synching the waist.
A loud knock came at the door, making her jump,
"What!?" She yelled.
"Come on Addi, I need to shower." Mark sounded exasperated.
"Just a minute." She yelled back.
She could hear his sigh from outside the door, but ignored him. She paced and checked her watch again, waiting until the long hand reached five after seven. She picked up the test and turned it over, immediately realizing that by some impossible chance she was indeed pregnant.
She turned to the door and pulled it open. A cranky Mark noted her limp hair and pyjamas and demanded,
"You weren't even getting ready?!"
She began to cry, it was all just too much. Mark looked at her in utter confusion, quickly growing incredibly uncomfortable with the situation,
"Addi, I didn't mean...what the hell is going on?"
She held out the test and he took it, she watched him stiffen as he realized what it was,
"You're pregnant." He stated, his voice flat.
Addison nodded, trying to brush away the tears and regain her composure.
He calmly set the test back on the counter and turned, his back on her, walking out of the bedroom and down to the foyer. She watched him tug on his leather jacket and reach for the door.
"Mark." She said quietly, her voice begging him to stay.
He didn't turn as he said, "I can't do this now."
"Please."
He heard the rise of tears in her voice again and he sighed, "I'll be back, I promise. Just let me go now."
He turned to look at her and she saw the sincerity in his eyes so she nodded before returning to their shared bedroom and shutting the door.
She returned to the bathroom, cleaning the mess up from the counter and pitching the test and its paraphernalia into the garbage pail. She wiped away a few more tears and sniffled before shuffling to the bed and crawling in, tugging the covers over her head.
For the briefest moment she contemplated sticking her head beneath the pillow and holding it over her mouth and nose but decided that was not the best idea. She rolled over onto her back and lay there for almost an hour before sighing and sliding out from beneath the covers and grabbing her papers from work.
She sifted through them, searching until she found the dark blue pamphlet that had been mailed her office that morning, not an uncommon occurrence in her line of work. She pressed it to the desk, next to the phone, and smoothed out the creases meticulously as she skipped over the promises of privacy maintenance and clinic hours, searching for a phone number.
When she found it she lifted the receiver and placed it between her ear and shoulder, punching in the number slowly.
"West Avenue Women's Clinic, how can I help you?"
Addison swallowed and examined her manicured fingernails as a distraction when she said, "I need to make an appointment."
Mark walked briskly through the cool morning air, a soft wind blowing as he walked through the park near his apartment. His mind was racing and it wasn't until he let out a long sigh that he realized he'd been holding his breath and walking with every muscle tightened. He took in another breath and tried to relax, he wouldn't go back until he wasn't trembling anymore, until he was sure he wouldn't lash out at Addison.
He picked up his pace slightly and stripped out of his leather jacket, only then realizing that he was still wearing grey sweatpants and a Yankees t-shirt. He shrugged to himself and broke into a jog, the only others in the park were a few early morning dog walkers and they were dressed just the same as he was.
His jog gradually turned into a run and he ran until he couldn't anymore. When he stopped he bent forward and braced himself on his knees, trying to catch his breath. His skin was damp with sweat and his muscles were aching but his head felt incredibly clear. He gave himself another moment before picking up a jog again.
As he jogged he thought. He thought about what he and Addison had been doing, he thought about the relative prospect of her leaving him to go back to Derek, and he thought about the baby. That tiny baby
that he and Addison had created. To his immediate surprise he felt his lips tugging up into a grin and was shocked to find himself thinking of the future.
He could see Addison crouched out in a sea-turtle-shaped sandbox while their son made tracks through the sand with his dump trucks. He could picture her tugging a little girl's hair back into a ponytail and fixing her lunch for school in the morning. He could imagine the two of them sitting up in the middle of the night with a sobbing baby, both at each others' throats and ready to rip their own hair out, but still together.
Nodding almost imperceptibly to himself he changed his course and ran back towards the apartment, stopping by a baby boutique that was just opening. He selected the Yankees onesie quickly and then found a small calendar on the way out. He hadn't asked how far along she thought she was and she hadn't volunteered the information so he was a bit let down that he couldn't circle the due date – he made a mental note to ask her before giving her the gift.
He tugged his leather jacket back on and clutched his purchases as he headed back to the apartment. To his dismay she had already gone to work without him and left a note behind,
I left early, c-section at 9.
Addison
He crumpled the paper up and tossed it into the trash, cursing himself for not staying around and trying to comfort her. Though he wished he'd stayed he knew for a fact that it wouldn't have made her feel better and would have, quite possibly, made her feel worse.
He sighed to himself and tucked the baby gift under his pillow, silently reminding himself to give it to her later, after he'd asked about the due date.
As he tugged his stethoscope from the coat rack by the front door he made a mental note to pick up Addison's favourite Thai noodles from the small restaurant near the hospital before lunch, and make sure he had at least fifteen minutes to track her down and eat with her.
It bothered her all day that every time she opened her wallet the little white piece of paper with a date two weeks and three days away was the first thing she saw. Eventually she gave up and tugged it out, slipping it in behind one of her credit cards so she wouldn't have to look at it anymore. Her day wasn't making her decision any easier either, after her successful hysterectomy she'd had to deliver a stillborn in the morning was scheduled to perform a hysterectomy on a nineteen year old with a botched abortion.
She noticed her hand flitting almost subconsciously to the base of her abdomen several times but she shook her head and clenched her hands into fists, plunging them deep into her pockets. When Mark
showed up in the on call room she was resting in with the cute little box of Thai noodles she felt her eyes well up again and quickly brushed away tears when she saw him freeze up.
"I'm ok."
He warily sat down next to her, holding out the noodles as a peace offering. She accepted them gratefully and ate quickly, startled to find how hungry she was. He watched her eat for a moment before murmuring,
"Sorry I left this morning."
"It's ok." She assured him, offering a thin but genuine smile.
"So you're really..."
"Yeah." She breathed softly, blocking the guilt that threatened to creep in as she remembered the small white paper.
She saw a hint of a smile playing at his lips and furrowed her brow, "You're happy?"
He shrugged, "Why shouldn't I be? The woman I love is having my baby."
He saw her stiffen as he mentioned the L word and immediately wanted to take it back, but he couldn't. It hung between them like a bad odour until Addison finally cut the silence,
"Mark, this baby. It's not the right time for us, we..."
He looked serious as he said, "Addi, we can do this. We can have a baby."
She was shaking her head though, eyes narrowed, "What good can come from this, I'm still married!"
"For how long Addi? How long are you going to hold on to the hope that he's going to come back for you?"
He could see the anger in her eyes as she met his but he could also see that she understood where he was coming from. If she were to go back and be with Derek things would never be the same, they would never be Addison and Derek again.
She sighed and let the half empty box rest on her knee,
"I don't know what to do Mark. I don't know what the right choice is."
He swore loudly as his pager went off, making her jump in surprise and almost spill her lunch all over the floor.
"Dammit! Addi, I have to take this. Can we talk at home?"
She nodded reluctantly and watched him go, slipping out of her running shoes and setting the carton with the little wire handle on the ground before curling up on the bed and staring at the faded pattern on the wall, wishing for sleep.
Mark scrubbed his toothbrush over his teeth, careful not to drip toothpaste onto the counter, as Addison pulled the sheets down on the bed. She moved to his side and tugged the covers down, stepping back as a package slid from under his pillow to the ground.
As she unfurled the bag and tugged out the contents she suddenly felt a strange tightening in her stomach,
"Mark," She queried softly, "What's this?"
He looked and saw the onesie in one hand, the calendar in the other and frowned,
"Oh Addi I'm sorry, I meant to..."
"You bought this for the baby?"
She dropped the calendar on the bed but hung on to the onesie, running her fingers over the soft material and the Yankees emblem on the front.
He spit out the toothpaste and rinsed his mouth before wandering into their bedroom and dropping himself on the edge of the bed,
"Yeah."
She scooted up on the bed next to her and slid her legs beneath her, the onesie in her lap and the calendar resting next to her. He slipped his hand around her waist and she leaned onto his shoulder, sitting in silence for several moments before asking,
"You really want this baby?"
He didn't hesitate when he said, "Yeah, yeah I do."
"Mark, let's be honest, this was just a fling. It wasn't supposed to last long and there definitely wasn't supposed to be a baby involved."
He twisted the tie on his pajama pants between his fingers, "We're adults Addison, between the two of us we can do this, we can raise this baby."
She still had doubts and she curled up closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder. She startled and almost swatted his hand away when it drifted downwards, snaking his fingers beneath her cotton pajama top and brushing them over her smooth skin.
She leaned back slightly and he removed his arm, letting her lay back on the bed. She sprawled out on her back and let him push her top up, tracing his fingertips over the slightest swell just over her the waist of her pants. She felt his hand travel lower still and smiled ruefully,
"Sorry Mark, I'm exhausted and my breasts feel like they're on fire."
He chuckled and lay down next to her, propping himself up on his elbow so he could look at her.
"So what are we going to do?"
Her mind flitted to the white piece of paper in her wallet and she sighed, "Let me think about it for a few days, I promise to think about it. Right now I can't give you any more than that."
True to her word she thought about it, in fact there wasn't a moment over the next four days where she didn't think about it. She pretended to sleep at night so Mark would drift off and she would be left alone to think about their situation. More often than not her train of thought would jump track and move on to what colour to decorate the nursery with in order to maintain a neutral setting until they determined the sex of the baby, or to whether the baby would be born with her bright red curls or his darker, dirty blonde locks he'd had as a child.
She'd made the decision long before she'd become consciously aware of it and even after becoming aware she hadn't admitted it to him until her found her curled up in their sheets after a particularly long, difficult day.
"I'm keeping the baby." She said quietly, after he'd turned off the lights and slid in next to her.
He hadn't made a big deal out of it, almost fearing that if he said anything he would make her change her mind, but tightened his grip around her and planted a kiss on her neck before murmuring,
"Thank you."
The next morning she woke to the smell of bacon and toast, a hint of burned food mixing with the breakfast smell. Her stomach was unusually calm as she looked up from her position in bed and found Mark standing over her, grinning and holding out a tray of slightly singed breakfast. She appreciated the gesture and took the meal, smiling as she swallowed three times before finally getting the lump of burnt toast down her throat.
She coughed a little and swallowed some orange juice before saying, "It's good Mark."
"Really?" He asked, looking eager.
Looking in his eyes she couldn't crush his spirit by telling the truth, "Absolutely."
She toyed with the remainders on her plate, waiting until he'd gone to shower to run down the hallway and hastily push it into the trash, still digging crumbs out from the side of her mouth. She grabbed an instant breakfast and downed the smoothie quickly before Mark could come out and see her.
After he finished, she hopped in the shower quickly and got ready to go in to work. As they left the apartment he reached for her hand and she smiled, slipping hers into his. As they walked out to the car she couldn't stop her mind from rearranging furniture in their bedroom to make room for a white lace bassinet that would make things easier when she was breastfeeding. She looked up at Mark and caught a dazed expression on his face, knowing that he too was thinking of babies.
Addison twisted her back; hearing and feeling it crack, hoping to release some of the discomfort she was feeling. An intern gave her a look which she deflected as she turned back to the body cavity she was working on and ligated another bleeder. The nausea hit her suddenly and she stumbled back, dropping a metallic instrument to the floor. She managed to command the doctor who was assisting her to finish before bolting from the room, only making it to a garbage can before her stomach contracted and forced all of its contents upwards.
As she looked around she was relieved to find the hallway deserted and quickly made her way to the bathroom, feeling a second wave of nausea. After vomiting three more times she took one look at herself in the mirror and shook her head, she needed to go home. She found the chief of surgery and asked to go home. He took in her pale face and sweaty skin and nodded quickly, reminding her to call in the morning and tell him whether she was coming in or not.
After pulling over once on the way home and darting to the bathroom when she got home she wondered briefly whether this was really morning sickness or just the flu, she couldn't recall being this sick in the past two weeks after she'd found out about the baby.
She crawled into their bed and buried herself under a mountain of blankets, feeling strangely shaky and unsettled. She turned on the TV in their room and watched old friends reruns while she shifted positions several times, trying to alleviate the discomfort in her back. She thought about calling Mark but rejected the idea, even though he'd been wonderful the past few days she knew he was probably in surgery and didn't want to be bothered.
She turned off the TV and rolled over, trying to get some sleep but she felt a subtle ache growing deep below her skin. It took nearly an hour for the cramps to build and finally force her into the bathroom. She hovered over the toilet and looked down, not so surprised to see bright red drops hitting the water.
The cramps made her knees tremble with their intensity and she bit her lip fiercely as tears flooded her eyes, watching the clear water turn a soft rose colour then a deep red as her body rejected her child. She leaned her head against the small partition next to the toilet, watching her tears drip into her hands and bare knees, leaving little wet tracts over her flesh.
She perched on the toilet for a good hour and a half before the cramps began to subside slightly. She slipped on a panty liner and sank down to the ground, refusing to watch as she flushed the toilet and destroyed any proof that she'd ever been pregnant.
Her head spun as she moved and she decided that she couldn't make it back to the bed so she curled up in front of the toilet, resting her cheek on the cool tile. Her mind was hazy and her eyelids heavy so it wasn't long before she fell asleep.
When Mark got home he immediately went up to their bedroom, having been told that Addison had gone home early. He came bearing gravol, Gatorade and a heating pad but he looked around in confusion when he made it to the bedroom and Addison was no where to be found. He went to set his items down on her night stand but froze when he saw the rumbled sheets and the small puddle of blood in the center of the bed that Addison hadn't noticed.
"Addison!" His voice was loud and frightened, he was sure she could have heard him from anywhere in the house but there was no reply.
He called for her again and when he was greeted again by silence he began to panic. As he looked around he saw a few small crimson drops on the carpet, leading to the bathroom with the door that was slightly ajar.
He walked briskly to it, swinging the door open quickly and seeing Addison's limp body curled up in front of the toilet. His voice caught in his throat until he made himself take a deep breath and realized that she too was breathing.
"Addison?" His voice was quieter this time and he saw her stir slightly.
He dropped to his knees and moved closer to her as she opened her eyes. She crawled slowly up into his lap, eyes void of emotion. He could feel her trembling slightly and gently rubbed her back,
"What happened?"
She sniffled and he felt a few more tears drop into his chest, "The baby's gone."
He swore he felt his heart skip a beat and his eyes stung with tears he refused to shed, "Oh."
"I didn't want to bother you, you were in surgery."
He shook his head, "No Addi, you should've called me."
He sat with her for a few more minutes, letting her recover before he stripped the bed and changed the soiled sheets then tucked her in beneath the thick covers. He waited until she was asleep before going out, going back to the hospital.
That night while he wasn't home Addison received a call from Richard, asking her to fly out to Seattle, and with no one there to stop her she agreed. That night Mark found the nurse who'd been flirting shamelessly with him for the past few days and tugged her into the nearest on call room to try to smother his pain. That night, when Addison packed her things and drove to the hospital to tell him she was leaving she found him with the naked nurse and he didn't even see her.
The next morning, when he went home with a guilty conscience, she was gone and it was too late.
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