Nightmare
I walk down a carpet of red velvet, my arm hooked on the crook of a smiling Charlie's arm. He is wearing a suit! I never thought I would see the day Charlie wears a suit. I look around me at the room full of beaming faces. Everyone I know from Forks, everyone I know from Phoenix. Basically everyone I know is here. I look down the long red snake of a carpet and Edward stands in a dashing suit with Jasper at his left in a flawless black tuxedo, this one a bit more sophisticated and expensive looking than the one he wore for Prom. Edward is wearing that irresistible crooked smile and his eyes, lighter and more golden than honey, are bright with excitement. I pout slightly for his bronze hair isn't tousled. It's combed into a neat mane blocking his forehead and eyebrows. A light breeze intrudes, sending the lapels of his jacket up against his marble neck but his hair doesn't move. Not a strand. I suspect Alice and her hairspray. Ah. . . Alice. She is on Edward's right, a little way off from him dressed in a honey coloured gown, matching Rosalie who is on her right and wearing a smile! Then I see Emmett. How could I've seen him first?! He was to Jasper's left in a suit almost identical to the latter's. I am so caught up in the beautiful Cullen "children" that I trip on a long gown of flowing silk. I now realize that there is a veil in front of my face. Damn! I'm at MY wedding! A murmur of polite laughter ripples throughout the witnesses at my clumsiness and Edwards shakes his head with a sympathetic but encouraging smile. I flush, thanking good for the thin candy floss that covered my scarlet cheeks. I continue to walk down the aisle, now painfully aware of how much like blood it looks. I step precariously on what feels like stiletto heels and Charlie bends down to my ear to say, "Not having cold feet now, I hope? But I'm sure if you're not up to it Edward won't mind. That boy looks like he would get you the moon if you asked!" His voice gives him away. He's disgruntled and would be all too happy to see me drop Edward Cullen like the glass I threw down in the kitchen last week. I shake my head vigorously, trying to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing. I'm at Edward's side sooner than I would have liked. His eyes are lighter than I've ever seen them and the flush in his cheeks makes him seem almost human. Keyword ALMOST. There obviously won't be too much incidents involving hikers being attacked by mountain lions anytime soon. Edward took care of that. The priest, a tall, balding man with an intimidating face appears before us with a smile that resembles a grimace of pain. My hands are sweaty on the bouquet of white roses and my knees are shaking, audibly to all the present vampires, under my dress and my stomach clenches and releases as if it were my heart. The priest stops and Edward turns to face me, pulling me around with him. "Bella," he says in his low, chocolaty voice, "Before you my life was a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars – points of light and reason . . . And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything." I stand there looking up into his eyes that are smoldering. "Do you remember when I told you that?" he asks with a laugh on the fringes of his voice. I nod, incoherent and undecided. "You told me that my eyes would adjust," he grins and his eyes seem to smolder even more, "I don't want them to adjust and that is why I stand here Bella." His voice is serious and a deep, mysterious longing weighs down every word. "So Isabella Marie Swan," he's jovial once more, "I do want to marry you and I promise to love and take care of you everyday of forever. Will you marry me? Here. Now. In front of all our friends and family. I love you. I want you." He's serious once more and I grow even more undecided. "Marry me." I can't answer him. If I say yes I destroy my promise to myself and my mother but if I say no . . . It's too painful. If I say no I destroy the only person I've love beyond understanding. I look at him properly since I arrived in this church. He looks exactly like my Anne of Green Gables fantasy except my mind didn't do him any justice. As usual. His expectant eyes show no sign of impatience. I back away from him slowly and I can see him dying inside. I shake my head sadly. "I can't Edward," I whisper weakly, stabbing him with each word, penetrating his soul and breaking his heart beyond repair, "I just can't." He nods his head as though he understands but I can see his pain. Every single person in the church can see his pain as he slackens his tie and rumples his hair. Suddenly, he isn't my Edward anymore. His irises go from honey to crimson and he bares his teeth at me but I don't move. I can't move. I can't make myself run away from this terrifying beauty. My heart says no but my brain says yes and I sprint across the aisle, mashing the front of the dress and tearing it down. I glance around to see Alice's silent sobs before she dematerializes. Everyone has dematerialized. They seem to have withered away under Edward's pain and rage. The pain and rage I caused him. I look at the door and stop as Edward appears in front of me, an inferno of irrationality burning in his eyes. He's pinning me to the floor before I can reach out to him. He snaps my legs and I can't bring myself to scream and hurt him further. A tear of blood trickles from the corner of his right eye. He allows me to free one of my hands to wipe it away. "Why Bella?" he asks in a pained voice, "Don't I make you happy?" He doesn't give me a chance to answer. He moves in for the kill . . .
"No!" I fly up into a sitting position and Edward flies up with me on the bed. "What is it Bella?" he whispers anxiously, his muscles tensing for a fight. "Nothing," I whisper back, lying back down, grabbing the sleeve of his shirt and pulling him down with me, "I had a bad dream." "What was it about?" he inquires with childlike curiosity that is different but suits him. I turn on my side, facing him, and snuggle up to his hard, cold chest. "It was about our wedding," I say and I hear him sigh. "Bella, love," he says defensively, "getting married won't be such a bad thing." "I know," I grunt, "but in the dream I refused you and you killed me." I wait for him to push me away after what I have told him but instead he puts an arm around me and presses me harder against his chest. "Bella you are utterly absurd," he teases, kissing the top of my head, "I would never ever think to kill you if you refuse me but if you were to marry that mongrel I would most definitely think to kill him." I sigh and turn my face upwards to rest my lips lightly on his snowy neck. There is a light sheen of cold sweat on my face but I don't care. It wasn't real. I don't care that I died but I do care that I didn't give Edward's soul to the Devil because of my own selfishness.
This feud between Edward and Jacob is cutting a bigger hole in what is left of my battered heart and when the fight does break out there's nothing I can do but watch my heart –Jacob – and soul – Edward – fight to the finish. I am thankful once more for Edward not being able to read my mind as a russet coloured wolf runs across the undulating plain of my mind. I love Jacob. I love Edward. My reality is more of a nightmare than my dream.