A/N:- B/R Drabble. Set somewhere between Season 3 and 4 where Barney isn't FULLY aware of the extent of his feelings for Robin yet. Enjoy, reviews make this writer happy happy happy.
"I got Park Place! Take my money, oh good banker!" Ted hollers, into the rim of his third and a half beer (he spilled half of his second one during their round of Marshall's version of Jeopardy). It's guys night out, and or rather, guys night in, and Barney wonders mournfully if his life is going to be a series of crooked apartments and games that aren't even fun when you're drunk. Oh, how the glamorous have fallen. He hears Lily and Robin finally slip out of Robin's bedroom, high heels clacking. The click of high heels has always been a positive sound to Barney; he's conditioned to associate the sound of high heels with, 'hot, horny, and haaaaaave you met my penis?' Yeah, he's gross. In other news, the sun shines, and Robin's Canadian.
The heels remind him, it's been so long since he's had them digging into his back. Since the Canadian disease had hit him. Hard. Barney refuses to think about it any further, and instead focuses on trying out his newest play, where he pretends to be a blind jazz musician, who absorbs beauty through hand and sounds, blah blah blah, and you wanna see my saxophone, baby?
"Yo, guys, i'm gonna head out. This shit's boring." He says, bouncing up from his seat, ignoring the slightly melodramatic gasps coming from the two men. "He's just pissed i snagged Park Place before he did." Ted whispers incredibly loudly into Marshall's year, who nods vigorously in agreement. Lily rolls her eyes, grabbing her purse from the table. Robin and her had planned to go to a women's bar in Soho. Well, not so much planned as forced to; the free drinks coupons for two at the 'Bonita' expired tomorrow, and Barney can appreciate a need for free drinks, so he'd chided them into shoving themselves into their hottest dresses and going. And hell-o, Robin had definitely taken his advice, as she stood in a slinky black dress, legs for days, and cut outs in places that made Barney want to hoot and slobber. He's already half hard just LOOKING. Robin blinks coyly, fluttering her lashes and spinning, more for everyone's benefit, than his; he benefits the most anyway.
"Hubba hubba, Scherbatsky. Way to slut up!" Barney says, holding his palm out. She seems excited enough to get her buzz on, to raise her arm up. "Hell yeah, Mama's gonna pop into the Hoser Hut after getting her drink on, gonna get her self a little somethin somethin tonight."
Barney snaps his hand back like he's been burnt.
"Hey!" Robin protests, she doesn't drop her hand. "Come on, sex tonight five!"
Barney looks up. Barnabus, he thinks, i know how sacred the Five is to you, and i am very sorry for the sin i am about to commit, the treason.
He weakly slaps her outstretched arm. Robin does a little air guitar move that's so him, he feels his heart lurch a little for some reason. Whatever. Time for an exit, so he can make an entry- into the nearest woman, hey-o! Mental Self five. He moves towards the door.
"Woah woah woah, where do you think you're going?" Robin says. He snaps his head around in confusion.
"Uh, to get laid, Sparkles." He rolls his eyes.
"That's crazy." Lily says.
"Um, hi, have we met? I'm Barney Stinson." He jokes, snorting.
"I mean," Lily folds her arms and fixes him with a glare, "You're not leaving your two very drunk friends, who got dumped at the altar and fired, respectively, alone on a friday night."
"You're doing exactly that." Barney points out.
"Free drinks, expiring coupons. It's a New-York millenial emergency." Lily protests.
"Plus, getting laid." Robin adds happily.
"No dice, Red; Drunk Marshall and Drunk Ted are personalities i do NOT want to deal with, they're way too lame to chill with this!" He protests, gesturing to the vague area of himself. Lily rolls her eyes.
"Barney, you're the one that forced us to go to this."
Yeah, but they harsh my mellow." He huffs. "AND i was planning on trying out the Stevie Wonder tonight."
"The Stevie Wonder- i don't wanna know." Robin says.
Lily gives him a grounding stare,"When aren't you planning on getting laid?"
"So you see my point." He says, oblivious to her warning eyes.
"No. Shut up."
"But-"
"No buts. Just hang out with them for a few hours okay? Marshall's pretty bummed but it's Ted you really need to look out for." Lily says. Robin nods.
"Yeah, you know how he gets when he's sad and pine-y. You need to save him from reaching that level of unawesome." Robin tries to reason with him. His eyes are focused on her lips now, and how glossy they are, and by the end of the night, the remnants of it are going to be on some other guy- stop. She blinks and smiles, unaware of his mental tug of war. It was either do something that would make Robin happy and get her laid, or sabotage the one free night she's had in months to take care of her ex boyfriend. He sighs, she's really softening him up.
"Fine. Go, have fu-" The door slams shut.
Marshall's already on his third level of drunk, where he starts talking like a sixteen year old white girl, and it should be leaving him in splits, except, he can't stop thinking about Robin. Robin's boobs. Robin's hair, and the way her eye twitches when she smiles- woah. He shakes himself irreverently, and straightens his lapels. Thinks about doing an Edmonton Soiler to Robin. And, he's back.
Now he needs to go to the bathroom.
When he gets back,(spraying his face with cold water helped), Ted has that slightly delirious look he gets when he's faced. Chin in palm, Ted sighs and takes a nacho chip and shoves it into his mouth sloppily.
"I want a wife, two kids, a lifetime supply of chicken and waffles, and a Rascal." Ted exclaims happily, and Marshall giggles, tipping over slightly.
"A Rascal?" Marshall guffaws. Barney rolls his eyes and picks at his sushi, eager to leave as soon as the women get home from their night out and he can leave these man-children and soak himself in booze. Being designated Ted/Marshall babysitter is NO fun job, especially when one's getting over being dumped at the altar and one's getting fired.
"Rascals, are cool!" Ted protests. "Especially when you live in the suburbs. Its convenient. I was gonna get a Rascal when i moved in with Stella." He gets a pouty look again.
"Ted, the suburbs, are like a monogamous relationship. Sure, it's easy to get into, but it is a BITCH to get out of." Barney says, going into preach mode, hands flailing and almost knocking over the beer bottle. He rants on for a few more minutes, trying to distract himself from the train of thought circling back to the same thing. Ted's eyes glaze over around the time Barney's gotten to the 'suburban houses are haunted and have been sex free since 1974' part of his pitch. He doesn't care though, because he knows for a fact, Ted may be a suburban kid, but New York's injected in him now, chained him, and he'd never even entertain the idea of uprooting his life. Single Ted was still alive and kicking, if only because of his incredible wing-man skills.
"What do you want, Marshall?" Ted slurs, slicing through his train of thought.
"Ugh, i cant even." Marshall sighs. "If i HAD to choose, it'd be Lily, a house, kids and verified existence of nessie and big foot."
The constant talk of suburbs gets Barney's mind involuntarily reeling in black and white like a 90's picture show. Robin in a white dress, walking down the aisle.
"I do."
Robin, and him in a white picket fence house.
"Hey honey, why don't you herd up the kids for dinner?" Robin says, slipping her hands around his neck from behind. A baby cries.
"That's probably Barney Junior. You should get that."
"I thought we agreed that's not his name."
"Why?"
"Because his initials would be BJ."
"Yeah, i did."
"You're an idiot." In the background, birds chirp, an icecream truck rolls down the street, and perky music plays.
Barney shakes his head and horrifyingly tries to assess what his brain just put him through.
He guffaws, trying to play off his panic, moving his tiny car to boardwalk. "You are the lamest chicks ever. You have the world at your fingertips, and what do you choose? Prison. It's like, it's like-"
Marshall and Ted simply fall on each other laughing, at his flustered, angry demeanour. Barney makes a vague growling sound at the two. Marshall sits up again, his stomach aching, and takes another swig of his beer. "What would you want? Like if you were dying, what would all things you'd, like, want to get and stuff and have, before you die?"
"Mhmm." Ted nods. "As Marshella so eloquently asked." Marshall glares at him, while Barney covers his mouth with his hand, stifling a laugh. Marshella is what Ted once named Third Level Drunk Marshall, although a fitting argument had been made for Michelle, since it was more authentic, but didn't fit the profile of 16 year old starbucks drinking, uggs wearing girls.
"Boobs, sex, a woman who's like a 20, a bro, suits, boobs, and scotch." Barney says, smoothly, flipping the broad end of his tie. "That's the real stuff."
"You said boobs twice." Ted points put, ever the critical.
"Can you blame me?"
"He's got a point." Marshall shrugs, waving his beer at Barney. "I miss Lily." He adds as an afterthought. As if the Universe doesn't already love Marshall and Lily enough, the girls choose to come home at this exact moment. Marshall zooms to Lily's side and whispers in her ear. Lily's eyes widen.
"Well, uh- we'll be going." Lily stutters, does a weird salute, finger gun gesture and the two speed off, to no doubt, do it like bunnies. Barney's nerves settle in relief when he realises Robin's back home too.
"How was the night?" He asks.
"A bust." She replies, throwing herself onto the couch. "Not one good lay tonight. I am unlaid."
"Well," Barney grins, cocking an eyebrow at her, and she throws the the horse play piece at his head.
Later that night, as he gets into bed, Marshall freezes, hands clutching the covers tightly.
"What is it baby?" Lily asks groggily.
"Scotch, sex, a 20- Oh my god baby, Barney's in love with Robin!"
Lily hiccups.
Flash forward - 2013
"You ready?" Barney asks, flicking his thumb over the lighter, the tiny flames engulfing the tip of Robin's cigarette. She slips it between her glossed lips, pulling his eyes to there. He licks his lips, and leans forward, plucks the cigarette out, and kisses her tenderly.
"Mm. Now i am." Robin says, grinning against his lips, blowing smoke into his mouth. She laughs at Barney's gloss covered goofy smile. He raises an eyebrow in question and she just shakes her head.
They stay clutching each other for a few minutes, his hands slipping to her ass, and squeezing it.
"Thank god for slim fit wedding dresses." Barney groans, pulling her closer.
"Why do you think i wore it?" Robin says, rolling her eyes.
"Best to-be wife ever." Barney croons.
Lily stalks out at that moment, fuming in a sparking silver dress, her belly rotund, and her face etched in annoyance. She's past caring that these two idiots aren't supposed to see each other before the wedding but it's Barney and Robin and breaking rules turns them on, and she's not about to ruin wedding night sex.
"We're waiting on you two." She growls.
"Okay, chill out Bride-zilla."Robin jokes.
Lily looks confused because only Robin can be a bridezilla and she's not, and then she looks at her and squeaks.
"Your lip gloss! I told you horn dogs no making out till the after you're man and wife." She whips out a tube of gloss, and moves to reapply it to a now annoyed Robin who snatches it away, 'i'm not a baby, i can put my own lip gloss.'
Handing her the tube, she snaps her fingers at the couple. "Two minutes."
Robin shakes her head. "Why did we agree to make her maid of honor?"
"Your genius idea. Hey, before we go in-" Barney stops Robin, just as she starts to move in.
"Yeah?" Robin looks directly in his eyes.
"I- before we get all sappy in there like we promised Ted we would-"
"For the fans." She agrees, grinning cheekily.
"I love you, Robin Scherbatsky, and all i ever wanted was suits, scotch, sex and a best bro. I got suits, scotch, sex, a bangin, yes, pun intended, bro, who loves the same things. I'm a lucky man." Barney finishes, fiddling with her fingers, and Robin takes a shaky breath.
"I love you." She says. "I know." He grins.
"Get in here, you idiots!" Lily screeches.
"Showtime." Robin says.
"Look for me, i'll be the hot dude in a suit up there." Barney flashes her a grin, winks and tugs at the lapels of his jacket.
"Doesn't narrow my choices." She retorts, and he sticks his tongue out at her.
As he walks up to the front of the church, he runs through the words 'everything i ever wanted, in a wedding dress'.
Fin.
Complete with a completely sappy ending. A weird idea that i had whole in the shower, aka every fanfic i ever write. S/O to moeten, who helped me navigate this mess of a one shot.