I want to thank everyone for the patience you are giving me as I write. Life is getting in the way and I didn't expect for this one-shot to get so long but after a month of on-and-off writing, I'm finally ready! Thanks for the love and support, xo.
She had been gone to New York for a few months now. His life was finally starting to return to normal and his mind wasn't constantly on her. He went about his day like he used to before they even met. Work, Antonio's gym, then home. Day after day. That was until he got that knock on his front door.
He felt the tears burning his eyes and the bile rising in his throat as he eyed the two men in military uniforms offering him their most sympathetic looks. Their tone of voice was soothing but all Jay could do was try to shut their voices out. He picked up on the important bits and pieces of their individual monologues as he closed his eyes, willing for the tears to not fall from them.
"KIA."
"August 25th, 2017."
"Private Greg Gerwitz."
"We're deeply sorry."
"He left you his will." At that statement his eyes shot back open and he watched one of the soldiers extend his white cotton gloved hand out with a piece of paper in it.
In the event of my death I give the whole of my property and effects to my daughter and to Jay Halstead.
Gregory Gerwitz
44 Shirley Ave,. West Chicago, IL 60185
He read the contents of the will over and over again, remembering the similar one he wrote years ago. Only his didn't have any beneficiaries. In the event of his death, everything would've gone to the City of Chicago.
He changed it when Erin started to sleep next to him in bed.
His eyes stopped on the word daughter every time he read the will.
"He requested that you take custody of her."
"I-it's not stated in his will…" His voice shook and his chest felt congested as he breathed.
"His last words." The words were solemn as they left the soldier's mouth (His name was N. Campbell as Jay learned by reading the right side of the man's chest). He had never even known that Mouse had a child. He never seemed to want to go to Molly's with the team after work to which Jay assumed was because of her. It all made so much sense. Why didn't he tell me?
"Where is she?" He finally mustered out.
"She's with Private Gerwitz's aunt right now, and if you agree to take her she will be dropped off here. Otherwise she will be put into the system and put up for adoption. His aunt is unable to care for her."
He hated the system. He saw how it worked, or didn't work so to speak. He thought about the case a few years back with Teddy and how broken Erin was. And there he was, thinking once again about her.
"If you agree to take her you would also need to go through the custody process which is quite extensive, but at least it keeps her out of the system. We're once again sorry for your loss. You can call this number to get into contact with the social workers." They each gave him a sympathetic smile before turning on their feet and down the corridor.
The material of the card felt foreign to his clammy hand as he toyed with it in between his fingers, flipping it over and over again. He finally read the name imprinted in the middle of the business card alongside an email address and phone number.
He softly clicked the door back into it's place before turning away, gingerly walking back towards the couch. His attention caught the glint of the frame he had kept on his walls for as long as he could remember. He had the same photo hung in his old apartment, the one with the 'mortifying yellow walls' as Erin used to call them. The photo made it's way to her wall after that, but it wasn't there for long. He couldn't stand in that place without her there, she was everywhere in that apartment. Her smell, her disorganization, even some of her less important belongings that she left behind. The photo now hung on his new apartment wall. One where he had a 65-inch flatscreen, hoping Erin would come home someday to watch the Blackhawks games on. But then he remembered that she had a new home. And it was nowhere close to him.
He aimlessly stared into the photo, taking in the sandy surroundings around the camp. There were army-green coloured tents in the distance, but the centre of the photo focused on him and Mouse, dressed in their fatigues, arm's on each other's shoulders. It was from early in their first tour, before they saw the things that would keep them up at night, so they had giant smiles plastered over their faces.
He wiped his cheeks to rid them of the tears that flowed down his face before he grabbed the photo off of the wall and chucked it at the one adjacent to him. The frame broke and the glass shattered, littering the floor in the vicinity. Jay sank down against the wall when he felt his legs give out from underneath him and he sobbed into his knees.
The sun had fully set by the time his eyes were dried out and red. He stared down at the business card that was still tightly gripped in his hand before crumpling it up and throwing it in the direction of the photo. He made his way towards the shower, turning it as hot as he could take, before stripping down and closing the shower door behind him. He watched his pale skin turn red and then back to white as the water cooled down. He quickly dried off and brushed his teeth before heading to bed, not caring about how he didn't eat. It was difficult having an appetite when your best friend was just murdered.
/
"Uh, Sarge… Could we talk?"
"Close the door."
"I-I don't know if you heard, but Mouse, he was KIA." Voight wasn't expected those words to be uttered from his detective's mouth. He stared at the younger man standing in front of him, taking in the dark circles underneath his eyes contrasting to the pale skin of his freckled cheeks. His hands were clenched into fists but they still visibly shook. He seemed wobbly on his feet, like he barely had the energy to stand up straight.
"Jay, sit down."
"I'm good." His attitude was vacant yet defiant, something the military had taught him. Don't let him see how weak you are. That statement resonated with him throughout his life after he was discharged. You don't have time to be weak when you're in a firefight. Focus on the task at hand. "I just wanted to let you know the funeral is in 2 days and I needed the day off."
Voight was at a loss for words. He could feel the apprehensiveness radiating off of Jay.
"I want you to take the next few days-"
"No, I need to be here."
"Halstead…"
"I need something to keep my mind busy."
"You know my saying, a distracted cop is a dead cop. If you want to be here then you're going to be 100% here. I see you falter even a bit then I'm sending you home, no questions asked."
"Fine with me… One more thing Sarge. Mouse, he, uh, had a daughter. I didn't know about her. But he wants, wanted, me to take custody of her. If I don't, she'll be in the system."
"And what do you want to do there?"
"I-I don't know." Jay finally sat down in one of the chairs. He rubbed his hands against his jeans, ridding them of the accumulated sweat. "His last words were for me to take care of her. But I've never done that before, you know. I've never really been around kids. The system sucks, I can't do that to her, can I?"
"That's not something I can answer. We both know how it works. But know this Halstead, you've got an entire family out there that will support you through every step of the way. You're not on your own with this."
Voight watched the rise and fall of Jay's chest quicken. He tried his best to blink away the tears that were glazing over his eyes, ultimately failing. They fell slowly down his cheeks before he wiped them away. He stood up quickly, walking towards the door.
"Halstead." Jay turned around, fresh tears soaking his eyes. "I'll see you in a few days."
Surprisingly, Jay nodded his head before walking over to his desk to grab his keys. He could feel everyone's eyes on him as he quickly tried to leave the bullpen, away from all the pitying and confused looks. Away from the desk he had to walk next to that his best friend occupied for over a year.
He sat in the truck, his head in his hands. The tears didn't stop, and soon he was hyperventilating.
His mind drifted to Erin, how she would know exactly what to do. She would be able to help him take care of a child that wasn't hers because she loved him. She would be his light in the darkness. But she wasn't here. He was on his own.
That was until his phone buzzed in his pocket.
His breath hitched in his throat when he read her name across the screen through his clouded vision. He debated whether or not he should pick up the phone, to wait until he calmed down to call her back. He didn't want to worry her. But his excitement had him reacting without thinking, and he brought the phone to his ear.
"Jay…" He didn't speak. His panic attack was still in full swing, and his breathing seemed to quicken as he listened to her voice.
"Jay, Hank called me. I'm so sorry. I knew how much he meant to you." The sound of her soft, scratchy voice brought more tears to his eyes. He didn't make any effort to wipe them away, fearing that the sound of his sleeve against his cheeks would be louder than the sound of her voice, interrupting her words as they settled in his head. "Jay, say something."
He sighed deeply and as he tried to speak, his breath shook even more. He cleared his throat a few times but he still couldn't bring himself to speak, knowing his words would be laced with emotion.
On the other end, Erin listened to him breathe. She racked her brain trying to figure out what to do. He wouldn't speak to her and it broke her heart. She wished more than ever to be in Chicago. To wrap him up in her arms and to let him cry. Because that's what he had done for her. He comforted her when her worst demons would surface. He wiped her tears and held her through her panic attacks, helping her calm her heart rate down by holding her head to his chest, telling her to match his breathing.
"Jay, relax your breathing a bit. Breathe slowly in and out of your nose." She could hear him following her directions and some of the fear she had radiating through her body subsided. He was still coherent. "Close your eyes, focus on your heart. Keep it as calm as you can."
He continued to hold the phone to his ear as he let his head rest on the headrest of his seat. He tried his best to block out the noise of the hustle of the district outside the truck as her voice brought his mind to ease.
After about 5 minutes of listening to each other breathe, Erin broke the silence.
"Are you doing okay now?"
"Y-yeah." He cleared his throat. "Thanks."
"Talk to me?"
"I don't know what to say."
"Just please don't fall into a hole like I did. I'm here for you."
"Uh, yeah."
"When's the funeral?"
"The day after tomorrow."
"I'll try my best to ma-"
"You don't have to come. You're busy. I'll be fine, don't worry about me."
"Jay."
"Seriously, Erin. I'm good. Thanks. I'll call you later." The only reason he wanted to get off of the phone was because he could feel the fresh tears glazing his eyes, another panic attack soon settling in.
/
He had to dig deep in his closet to get it. No matter which apartment he was in, he always stashed it in the back, somewhere out of his direct line of vision. He removed the clear plastic bag off of it. He inspected the light green shirt first, looking at the crisp iron lines on the sleeves before gently placing it on the bed. He checked the army-green pants and blazer next, being thorough with his search. He picked up his lint roller and ran it over the shoulder pads of the blazer, catching the small remnants of dust from the last funeral he had worn it to. He ironed his tie, smoothing out the fabric with his hand after he ran the iron over it, feeling the heat emanating off of it. When he was satisfied with the cleanliness of his uniform, he polished the black dress shoes while simultaneously checking them for any dirt that had collected on the sides. He went back to his closet to extract 2 boxes he kept on the shelves. He opened one, revealing the green aiguillette, the white cotton gloves, his name tag, and his many medals. The other one contained his hat. Getting dressed in this uniform was like a sixth sense to him. He could remember how excited he was when he first adorned it, getting ready to march during his graduation. Now all it meant was death, because that's all he ever wore it for. Not weddings, or parties, just to remember the dead. He stared into the full length mirror that was etched into the wall, inspecting his uniform one last time, before walking out of his room.
He was seated in the front row next to Greg's aunt, uncle and who he assumed was his daughter. She had inherited his hair and eyes, but Jay couldn't bear to look at her. She was so small and innocent and all he could think about was letting down yet another family. Had he stopped Mouse from boarding that plane that day he would still be here, alive, in his presence.
The seats began to fill as the time for the funeral to start grew nearer. He could feel the unit sitting behind him, each there to offer their condolences. A woman came and sat down next to him on his left. She was wearing black pumps and as his eyes travelled further up her legs, he recognized them. She wore a simple black dress and minimal makeup, just as he liked it. She gave him a smile, but it didn't reach her hazel eyes like it used to. She took one of his cotton-gloved hands in her right one and gently squeezed it. He held onto her as if his life depended on it, as if he were to let go, she would vanish into the air. Because now more than ever, he needed her.
The funeral was a blur to him. He saluted when the others did and he listened to the gun salute. He kept his hand near his brow as he listened to Taps being played on the trumpet, for God knows how many times he had heard it up to that date. He watched the men standing next to his best-friend's casket fold the flag into a triangle before one of the men approached Mouse's family. His eyes fell on the little girl again and he bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from crying.
When the funeral had finished and the guests had begun to leave, he hesitantly approached Mouse's aunt. He fiddled with his fingers as he waited for a woman to finish giving her condolences.
He looked back towards Erin who was talking to Voight. His gaze caught hers and she gave him a small encouraging smile that make him weak in the knees. Because that smile had gotten him to do many things before.
" , I'm so sorry."
"Jay, you know to call me Helen." He nodded his head as his gaze fell to the ground. "I just wanted to know, did you think about-". He followed her gaze to the little girl that sat in the chair, engrossed in something on the screen of a phone.
"Uh, not really. I just, I don't know."
"It's okay if you don't want to. She shouldn't be your responsibility."
He felt his chest tighten and his throat constrict. His best-friend's dying wish was for him to take care of his daughter, yet he couldn't bring himself to say yes. She was his responsibility.
"May I speak with her?"
"Of course you can."
He gingerly walked towards the girl and sat down next to her. He didn't say a word. He just continued to watch her engrossed in the phone. His hands shook and he could feel his body perspiring under his uniform.
He wiped the sweat coming down his face as he pulled the strap of the duffel bag over his shoulder. The bullpen was empty as he made his way out towards the back entrance.
"You going on a road trip?" He asked Mouse as he watched him close the back door to the old van.
"Uh, Voight. Yeah, he said he wanted me mobile on the scene."
"I hope it has AC."
"Jay…"
"What's up?"
"Hey man, I just. Look, just so you know, I-I've been thinking about going back in."
"In where?"
"The Rangers." Jay physically felt his heart drop. "Sergeant Ortiz, he reached out to me, said he's putting together a tactical unit. They need a Comms Specialist."
"You serious? Are you serious right now." He could feel the anger encapsulating him. The Chicago heat was one thing but the heat from his anger overtook it quickly.
"I've just been thinking man, what am I gonna do? Join the academy? Be a 31-year-old rookie? C'mon. Over there I got stripes."
"Did you forget what it did to you?" His voice was dripping with displease. "Depression. Can't sleep at night. You want that? Do you wanna be calling me, 3 in the morning, you can't sleep, you're popping pills."
"I'll, I'll learn to deal with it, just like you did."
Jay looked around to see if anyone was watching their dispute.
"Greg, you're in the middle of a war in Chicago. You want a war, you're right here. Okay?" He turned around to leave quickly, not wanting to hear any more of Mouse's words.
"I'm just being honest man." Jay turned back around. "Here, there's just too much noise. Who's right and who's wrong. Over there in Afghanistan, I know that I'm the good guy and they're the bad guys."
"Before you make a decision, we're going to talk more about this."
"Hi…" The little girl's voice brought him out of his daze. His eyes never left her light blue ones, the ones she had inherited from Mouse.
"Hi." He smiled down at the girl. "What's your name?"
"Olivia Gerwitz." She said proudly.
"And how old are you?"
"4!" She exclaimed excitedly as she held up 5 fingers. He smiled and gently reached for her hand and put her thumb down.
"Wow, 4-years-old?"
"Yeah."
"Do you know who I am?" His heart was pounding in his chest by now and he didn't know which answer he wanted to hear.
"Yeah, Daddy has pictures of you. You're Jay."
"Yeah he did. We were best-friends you know that?" She nodded her head slightly. "Is it okay if I ask you some more questions?"
"Mhmm."
"Do you know what happened to Daddy?"
"Aunt Helen said he went to heaven."
"Do you know what heaven is?"
"It's where people go when they get hurt. Almost like a hospital."
"Yeah, almost. Do you know that Daddy won't come back?" Her little brow furrowed and Jay swore he could see Mouse looking at him.
"Aunt Helen said that too."
"Did Aunt Helen say anything else?"
"She said I have to go live with someone else now."
"Yeah she's right." He saw the child's excitement die down. "I have a very important question to ask you now. Would you like to live with me?" He didn't know where the courage came from, but he blamed his spontaneity.
She didn't answer him quickly like she did with the rest of his questions. She seemed confused about why she would live with him and why he would ask her that question.
"Like at your house?"
"Well, I don't live in a house. I live in an apartment. It's super high up in a building downtown and you can see so many lights at night time." He didn't know why he felt the need to tell her about the lights. He half-heartedly knew that it was because there was a part of him that wanted her to live with him. With someone safe.
"What about Aunt Helen?"
"Well, she's going to live in her house." Olivia nodded her head slowly, trying to take in the information that Jay was telling her. "It's 100% your choice. You don't have to say yes."
"Is it just you in the apartment?"
"Yes." His gaze went back to Erin. She was watching him from where she stood, her clutch held out against her waist.
"Will it be fun?"
"Well, I don't know. I think I'm pretty fun."
She nodded her head and smiled, showing off all her little baby teeth.
"Can we go now?"
"Well there's a few things I'm going to need to do before you come. Until then Aunt Helen will take care of you."
"How long will that take?"
"That's not something I know yet." He watched Helen approaching from a distance before he stood up.
"I'm taking her." He didn't even wait for her to come close before he opened his mouth. She smiled slightly and tears gathered around her eyes.
"You know, Greg, he spoke so highly of you. I know Liv will be in good hands."
"I'll call the social worker once I get home. I want her as soon as possible. Once again I'm sorry. I'll see you soon." He bent down and hugged the woman before turning away, walking towards Erin.
"Uhm, did you need a ride somewhere?"
"I was kinda hoping back to your place? It's okay if you don't want to-" She felt his fingers intertwine between hers. He rubbed his thumb slowly over her knuckles.
"You're always welcome to stay with me." The grin she loved so much slowly became etched onto his face. But she could see the pain behind it.
He drove the not-so-familiar road home, one Erin had yet to see. He parked in his designated parking spot and led her to the front door where they were greeted by a doorman. Fancy.
When he unlocked the door, she was glad to see that the walls were not yellow. Instead they were a cool grey colour and he had 5 floor-to-ceiling windows that overlooked the skyline of Chicago.
Jay tugged at the tie around his neck before he slipped his shoes and blazer off. He showed her the kitchen, the dining room, the bathroom and the 2 bedrooms before they made their way back towards the living room.
"Would you like a beer?" He offered softly, the exhaustion of the morning getting to him. It was only 2 in the afternoon but he felt like he hadn't slept for weeks. Which was partly true because whenever he tried to reach for her to bring her closer to him, she wasn't there.
"Yeah, sure. Thanks."
She watched him walk towards the walled off kitchen when her eyes fell on the array of photos arranged on his wall. There was the one of the unit that they kept in their old apartment from a drug bust. There was one of him and Will as kids a few inches away from it. There was an empty space in the middle of the two photos. It seemed like something should have been there, like there was something that was supposed to be there. He came back with their drinks and handed it to her, awkwardly standing next to her and looking at the photos.
"Was there something here before?" The question caught him off guard.
"Uh, yeah. It was the photo of Mouse and I. The one we had at our old place." She wished she didn't ask him that.
"Can we sit down?" She asked, trying to quickly change the topic of conversation. He nodded his head and let her go before him towards the new leather couch he had bought for the place.
They sat and stared into the blackness of the 65-inch TV screen, occasionally lifting their bottles to their lips.
"You never called…"
"Yeah, sorry. How's New York?"
"Good, a bit different. But good."
"You ever miss it here? Your friends, Hank?" She saw how he hesitated after saying Hank. As if he wanted to say 'me' at the end of his question. She bit her tongue and swallowed hard before answering.
"Chicago will always be home. No job or new friends will change that. Listen, Jay. I'm going to be in town for a while, I'll be staying with Hank. I just wanted to say that if you ever need my help with anything, you can call me. I know the whole situation with Mouse's daughter, and you don't have to be alone on this."
"Yeah… Thanks. I-uh, really appreciate that."
/
He kept the crumpled business card. It was left on his bedside table like a piece of trash but he never thought about throwing it out. He carefully picked it up from the pile of glass that was on the floor and slipped it into his pocket as he swept up the debris and threw it out.
He read the name over and over again on the card before picking up his cell phone and dialling the number.
"Hi, this is Tiffany Kane, please leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."
"Hi Tiffany, this is Jay Halstead. I'm just calling you in regards to the custody of Olivia Gerwitz. I'd like to take her. Just give me a call when you can. Thanks."
He waited less than half an hour to get a call back and he found himself to be quite nervous. Tiffany gave him a run through of the process for him to have full custody and how long it would take. His main concern was when Olivia would be in his care and when Tiffany told him that the earliest could be the day after tomorrow, his heart thumped in his chest listening to her words. Could he really take care of a child? Would he be able to give her everything she needed or wanted? Would she be happy to stay with him?
Instead of sleeping that night, he decided to set up the second bedroom. It was mostly full of cardboard boxes from when he moved. Some of the things were his, but most of them were Erin's. The things she left behind when she left that one night without a word or a look back.
He removed the things from inside the boxes, keeping whatever he needed in one of the spare closets in the hallway. When he could finally see the floor, it was nearing 3:30am. He decided against vacuuming, knowing that his downstairs neighbours were likely asleep. Instead, he opted for opening up his laptop and looking at children's sized beds.
He stopped his search when he heard a knock at the front door. The sun had risen but it was still early. When he opened the door he found Erin standing there with two cups of coffee and a bag of what he assumed was breakfast.
"Hey." He said softly, moving out of the doorway inviting her in.
"Almond milk, just how you like it. And I got your favourite breakfast burritos." It all felt so normal to him, as if she hadn't even left. She would be gone down to the coffee shop down the street while he showered to grab them breakfast or else they would be late to work since they spent too long snuggling in bed. "Did you sleep? You look tired."
"Uh, no. I was just cleaning out the guest room. You know, preparing for her." She nodded her head at his answer.
"I'm really proud of you for doing this, Jay."
"I wouldn't have had to if Mouse listened to me that one day." He scoffed.
"Hey, don't put blame on anyone. Especially yourself. What was meant to happen, happened. You can't change that."
"Yeah…"
"Did you need help with anything?"
"I was just looking at some beds. What am I even supposed to get for a 5-year-old kid?" He sounded annoyed and impatient.
"Well you'll need a lot of things. Bed, toys, clothes, and that's just the essentials. When is she getting dropped off?"
"I talked to the social worker and she said the earliest could be tomorrow. I don't know if I can do this."
"You don't have to do it alone. You've got a whole family there to help."
"I wish you could be here." He didn't know why he said that, and he wished he hadn't. He didn't want to show her how weak he was without her. How he barely slept every night because she wasn't there next to him. How he didn't wake up in the middle of the night from goosebumps on his skin because she stole all the covers. How he could barely get through a day without thinking about her.
She sighed at his statement and turned her gaze out the windows.
"Biggest mistake of my life was walking away from you." Her voice matched his and she could feel it shaking as she spoke.
"I had it all planned out. I carried around my mom's ring all day and then when we were outside of the district you turned away so quickly I just couldn't. I sat all night at Molly's waiting for you but you never came. I can barely remember the few days after that… We were supposed to get married and move into a white-picket fence house and make adorable babies with your dimples and your eyes and everything would've been alright." The tears flowed freely from his eyes and he could feel his breathing being choked. "I guess some things just don't work out you know?"
"Uhm-yeah, I guess so. But me leaving wasn't your fault or anything. I just thought I needed somewhere new. With everything that happened with Bunny and the Board and us, it was hard. I just did what I do best. Run."
"Erin, I didn't mean it like that." He walked a step closer to her and wiped her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.
"No, it's not you, it's me."
"How cliche of you." She giggled slightly.
"Actually, 3 weeks ago, there was an incident. We were working this big case and I hadn't slept properly for days. There was this one day, I was completely swamped, and I just broke down in my office. My boss found me like that. She told me if I couldn't handle a few sleepless nights I wasn't cut out for the FBI like they thought I was. I was fired."
"W-what? But on the phone the other day, you told me that you would try to make it."
"I don't know if I'm ready to be in Chicago so soon. With everything that happened before I left. Maybe a new environment for a little while will be best. Help me release some tension."
"But Erin, you're unemployed. How are you going to survive financially?!"
"I've got some money in the bank, Jay."
"Yeah, but it won't last forever."
"I'll figure it out. Maybe SVU with Benson. I don't really know yet."
His shoulders slumped when he heard that she was considering staying in New York. Even if they weren't together, staying in the same city gave him some hope to hold on to. Because that way he could still see her everyday if he wanted to.
"Anyways, enough of this talk about me." She breathed quickly wanting to change the subject. "We should get started on everything we need."
We.
"Okay, where do we start?" It felt like old times again to him.
"Well, are you going to keep the room the same colour? Did you want to paint it?"
"I don't know her favourite colour though."
"Okay, I guess the grey is fine for now. We need to get the bed frame and mattresses, clothing, shoes, toys, hygiene essentials…" He tuned her voice out as she started listing everything out. He could listen to her speak all day if he could, but the anxiety consumed his thoughts and senses.
"We should get going then?"
"Yeah, we should." She couldn't stop the smile from stretching across her face as she watched his face break out into his own grin.
/
"How about this one?"
"Jay, she's 5. Not 2. She needs something bigger."
"Then why don't I just buy a normal sized bed so I won't have to buy one later on in her life."
"You could do that too."
They settled on a queen sized bed before moving towards the clothing.
"This is your department, you can do all of this." Jay leaned against the handle of the shopping cart as he slowly followed Erin around the children's clothing section of the store. He watched her dump a number of shoes, shirts, pants, socks, and underwear into the cart before he wandered off. He returned with a Blackhawks jersey hung over his arm.
"Best thing that will be in her closet." He held up the backside of the jersey, showcasing the name TOEWS and the number 19 stitched on. Erin rolled her eyes and smiled at him, watching him place the piece of fabric in the cart and assuming his old position.
They took a break to eat lunch before they decided on heading home. Jay had paid for same day delivery for the bed so when they got home, Erin began to organize the closet while Jay finally got to vacuum the carpet. It all felt so normal. So domestic.
"So now all we need is toys. I think she should be there for that though." Erin said as she laid across the couch, her eyes closing. Soon, she drifted off.
She woke up later, a blanket draped over her body, and the apartment was darker. There was light coming from the guest room and she slowly made her way towards it. She peeked in to see what Jay was doing and she found him building the small bookshelf they had bought earlier. The room was clean and the bed had been built with bed sheets draped over it nicely.
"You've been busy. Should've woke me up."
"You looked kinda tired so I thought I'd let you sleep. Are you headed back to Voight's or did you want to grab some dinner?" He hoped it would be the latter.
"We can grab some takeout. What were you thinking?"
"Anything you'll have, don't really care."
"Okay, I'll go pick something up."
When she returned, she found Jay standing in the room with his hands on his hips, admiring his work.
"Hey, I'm back. Bought deep dish from Giordano's."
They settled on the couch and watched a random movie. They listened to each other chew, not speaking. Finally, Jay broke the silence.
"So the social worker called while you were gone."
"What'd she say?"
"She'll be by in the morning to scope the place out and see if it's a safe place. She'll be asking me a few questions and I'll be hopefully signing the paperwork."
"That's really great, Jay."
"She asked me if I would be Olivia's only guardian."
"And what'd you say?"
"Hopefully only for the time being…"
She could sense his plea in the tone of his voice. She wanted to ask for his forgiveness, to be able to try and return back to normal, but for some reason she couldn't find the courage to ask him.
"It's okay if you don't want to, she's not your responsibility." She heard the disappointment in his voice.
"It's not about her, Jay. It's more about us. We've barely spoken over the last few months and now here we are having dinner on your couch again, alluding ourselves that everything is okay. Are we ever going to talk about it? Because I want to but I don't want to chase you away. Again."
Her last word stung. Again. Because he was the one who left first. And she blamed herself for chasing him away.
"Erin, it wasn't your fault that I left. I just wasn't in a good headspace and I just needed time."
"Well how about now? Are you in a good headspace? Because if you're not then you shouldn't be taking custody of this child."
"I wanted to propose to you that night. The night you left. Will thought I was crazy, but I was ready. I was never so sure about something in my life. I was getting better. I was starting to sleep better. My support group meetings and therapy actually started helping me cope. But then you left and it felt like I was back to square one."
"I'm sorry."
"No, don't apologize. It's not your fault. I shouldn't have left in the first place. You wanted to be there for me but I didn't let you. I wish I could go back to that night and just listen to what you had said. Worst mistake of my life." She caught the tears in his eyes. "I wanted to ask you so many times if I could come back but I knew I wasn't the man you fell in love with and you also asked for space and I just don't even know what to say anymore."
"We can try and fix some things while I'm here. You know I'll always love you."
"But then you're just going to leave again, right?"
"I'm not 100% sure about that. I don't have a job in New York anymore. That city serves me no purpose other than an escape."
"Wait, so you're staying here?"
"I'm not making any promises. Voight's been trying to pull a few strings. It's lowkey, no one really knows anything yet." He felt touched that she told him about these developments in her life. Maybe it was fate, but Erin getting fired was one of the first stepping stones he could use to fix everything wrong he had done. He would once again prove his love to her, let her fall in love with the man she always knew. This was his chance.
"Well then maybe that's the first step to everything?"
"Yeah, maybe."
He watched her eyeing the clock on his DVR and knew she wanted to go home. Home as in Voight's place. Not his. He tried his luck, hoping she would stay with him, because he needed to take baby steps to heal them.
"Can you stay here tonight? With me? I'll take the couch if you want or one of us can take the guest room for tonight?"
She had begun to think he would never ask her. That he no longer wanted that intimate relationship with her. She too, decided to push her luck.
"We can just rough it out on your bed together, if that's okay with you?" That's when she saw it. The first time in months she saw the boyish grin that stretched across his face and lit up his eyes. "Totally innocent."
"Mhmm, sure it is." And there it was. The banter she longed for. The sarcastic comments and the smirks he would give her. For the first time in almost a year, everything started to feel normal again. Like old times.
They settled into a comfortable silence after that, their eyes glued to the television screen. Erin fought sleep as she sat on the couch. She wanted this night to last forever. It was the first night in months where she felt content. Almost happy. And she feared that this feeling would be ripped away from her when she woke up, just like all good things in her life.
He moved one of the couch cushions from behind his back into his lap. She felt a hand tugging on her arm before she was being pulled down. He draped the previously discarded blanket back over her and rubbed small patterns on her exposed arm with his thumb.
He didn't want this moment to end.
He woke up early the next morning and felt a weight across his waist. He moved Erin and himself to the bedroom around midnight when his eyelids became too heavy for their own good. When he opened his eyes, he smiled to see her sleeping face next to his, and noticed that the dead weight on his waist came from her arm.
It was his first real night of sleep in months. He forgot what it felt like to wake up feeling refreshed and energized, not having to calm himself down from a panic attack in the middle of the night. He blamed her.
He watched the steady rise and fall of her chest, noting the dark circles that were etched under her eyes. He wanted to let her sleep. To let her relish the feeling of him as she let him. But he was selfish, he knew that. He wanted to get his day started and they needed to prepare for the visit. He woke her with lazy kisses and was greeted with her groaning. The same groaning he used to hear every morning when he woke her up.
They quickly had breakfast before cleaning up every crevice of the apartment. Well Jay cleaned and Erin supervised. Team effort.
After they had both showered, separately, and gotten dressed, she watched the nerves on him build. His hands shook as he clenched them into fists and his eyes darted between his phone and clock every few minutes. His breaths were laboured and shaky whenever he blew it out of his mouth. Finally, when there was a knock on the door, he flung himself off of the couch and half-jogged towards the door.
"Jay Halstead?" He nodded his head. "Tiffany Kane. We spoke over the phone." She extended her hand out and he met it with his own hand.
"This is Erin Lindsay. She's uh, she's a-" He looked towards Erin, not knowing what kind of label he should use. She looked just as uncomfortable. Noticing the tension, Tiffany thankfully changed the subject.
"Let's inspect the apartment, shall we?"
She took her time checking everything. She asked about guardians that would be in Olivia's life and what would happen if Jay were to get injured on the job. She asked about schooling for Olivia, wanting to make sure Olivia was put in an environment where she would thrive.
Erin answered all the questions immediately with ease, thankfully for Jay. He stood and watched the two women interacting as he followed them around the apartment before they all settled down at the dining table.
"Okay, everything looks good to me. I just have some final questions and then you can sign the paperwork and I can drop her off tomorrow morning. Erin, will you be in and out of this girl's life? We like to provide the kids with stability and one thing is having the guardians always present."
"Well, I'm currently living in New York but I do have plans on coming back here." Jay's heart wanted to jump out of his chest.
"Will you also be applying for guardianship?"
Erin looked over towards Jay. No words had to be spoken between them to know what the other was thinking.
"Yes, I will."
The rest of the questions were a blur. All Jay could focus on was that Erin's name would be next to his as guardians of Olivia Gerwitz. Those baby steps were turning into far more.
They both signed the documents and the visit was soon over. Olivia Gerwitz would be in their custody as of the next day at 11:00am.
/
Erin came back later that day after telling Voight about the news. She was still trying to figure out her career in Chicago, and whether or not she would be able to come back to Intelligence based on the terms she was expedited on.
"Erin?" He heard her come in through the front door that he left unlocked. She greeted him in the kitchen with a smile as watched on as he prepared dinner. "I went grocery shopping while you were gone so we won't have to worry about that tomorrow when she gets here."
"How do you feel?"
"I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm excited. I can't even tell you what this feeling is like. I hope I made the right decision."
"Mouse would be proud of you."
"Yeah. He would." It's now or never. "Erin?"
"Yeah?"
"Move in with me?"
That definitely wasn't a question she was expecting. Her heart reverberating against her ribcage hard, and it was sending this ringing sensation through her ears.
"If we're going to provide her stability, you need to be here. I want you here. I've told you before that moving out was the biggest mistake in my life and I don't intend on making it again. I want to fix things. I want to fix us. And with everything that happened yesterday and today I felt something. I felt normal. I felt at ease. And I know you did too, Erin. I wanted to take small steps into healing us, but even you know that's not what we're like. Please. Move in with me." His voice was constricted and almost a whisper. The tears had made it's way back to his eyes and a couple fell down his cheeks as he quickly tried to wipe them away.
She knew she wanted it more than anything. She wanted to wake up next to him every morning from his kisses because he somehow always woke up before her. She wanted to wake up to the smell of coffee and bacon because he knew how much she loved those two as a combination. She wanted to get mad whenever they only had almond milk in the fridge because that's all he ever drinks with his coffee. She would never tell him but she secretly started to like it too. She wanted to feel all of these things.
No words came out of her mouth but she found herself smiling at him and nodding her head up and down. She wanted to feel those things, and she would make sure she did.
/
It was like they were on cloud nine. Everything felt so new yet so familiar. It was like when they first started dating. The excitement, the happiness. Everything. It was their small shared giggles when Jay would cook and feed it to Erin to taste test. It was their couch cuddles while having movie nights. It was the way Jay gently lulled her to sleep by drawing patterns into the small of her back.
They both showed their appreciation for each other that night in bed. It was a feeling they both missed. The heat of each other's skin, the feeling of lips against sensitive spots, the feeling as they met the other's pace.
Sleep came easily for both of them again that night.
They woke up early the next morning, excited for the arrival. Time went at snail's pace and they couldn't find anything to help pass it. Their attention spans matched that of a goldfish.
When it was 10:45, they started to pace around the apartment, checking whether or not everything was perfect. It was times like these that Erin would become the more obsessive one. She even complained about how the windows were too dirty at the tops on the outside. Somewhere that they both couldn't reach. He found her nervousness adorable as she checked for any other discrepancies.
At 10:54, there was a knock on the door. Jay was sure he heart fell so far that it would soon come out of his ass. Erin tried her best to stop her hands from shaking as she walked towards the door. She gripped the handle tightly and turned it to be greeted by someone she wasn't expecting.
"Will?"
"Hey Erin! We haven't seen each other in so long. We should catch up sometime."
"Will, what are you doing here?" Jay's voice came from behind them.
"I just came to drop off a gift before I went into work. Here." He extended his hand forward and handed a bag to Erin. There was pink tissue paper covering the top of the bag and Erin could see some small remnants of fur.
"Aw, Will. You didn't have to."
"Of course I did. She's going to be my niece now. Uncle Will is going to be her favourite. I know she's coming by any minute now but I gotta get to the ED. I'll drop in after work." Erin placed the bag down by the door and hugged Will before he turned and left. She closed the door and her eyes fell on the clock once again. 10:57.
"Hey, relax. Everything's going to be alright." Jay came up behind her and brought her close into his chest. As if on cue, there was another knock on the door. "Here we go."
They both smiled and greeted Tiffany before turning their attention to the little girl in tow. Jay moved forwards first.
"Hi. Remember me?" She nodded her head shyly. "This is Erin. She's going to be staying with us. Is that okay?" Olivia nodded her head again.
They showed Olivia the apartment and her room. Soon Tiffany left to give them privacy.
"What did you want to eat for lunch, honey?" They all still felt quite awkward and timid around each other. Erin sat with her at the dining table as Olivia shrugged her shoulders. "Jay can make anything you want."
"Pancakes." Jay nodded his head and turned towards the cabinets, gathering all the ingredients.
"You know, Jay makes the best pancakes. You're going to love them! How about we unpack your bag while he makes them?" Olivia happily nodded and slipped herself off of the kitchen chair, following closely behind Erin.
Erin opened the bag and stored away the clothing she had in their respective places while putting the few toys on the bed.
"Jay and I are going to take you toy shopping later, okay? We just wanted to wait to have you so you could pick things to your liking."
"Are you and Jay married?"
"No, we're not."
"But you live together?"
"Kinda, yes."
"So you're married because you live together?"
"Honey, just because Jay and I live together, it doesn't mean we're married."
Olivia furrowed her brow, trying to understand what Erin was telling her.
"Do you love Jay?"
"Yes, I do."
"Do you wanna marry Jay."
A pink blush crept over Erin's cheeks.
"Yeah, I do." Olivia giggled at her answer.
A small smile became etched onto Jay's face as he listened to the conversation from the other side of the wall. He didn't intend to eavesdrop, but when Olivia started asking the same questions he wanted to ask, he couldn't help himself. He had never had so much hope in his life.
"Hey guys, pancakes are ready." He knocked on the door and immediately made eye contact with Erin. The smile she was returning to him gave him a warm feeling inside. When she approached him, he couldn't help himself. He grabbed her by her hand gently, and pulled her towards him. He placed a tender kiss with care on her lips, one she returned happily.
Erin moved back to Chicago permanently 3 weeks later. She turned down Olivia Benson's offer to join the SVU team and instead moved back into Jay's new apartment. Their new apartment. Erin had been unemployed for a while, however, she was offered a job in Homicide which she didn't refuse. Hank had tried for 6 months to get her back into Intelligence, and she doesn't know how he did it, but ultimately, she was back at her old desk and fighting over the driver's seat of the car with her partner. Raising Olivia brought them together like nothing else had. There was a state of bliss in the apartment that radiated into their individual lives and was carried on throughout their work day. Everything was just so perfect.
The apartment no longer could house the small family, which is when they bought a house in the suburbs. The day before moving in was when Jay finally got down on one knee and asked for the rest of her life to be spent with him. She didn't even let him finish. All she wanted was his mother's ring to adorn her third finger on her left hand.
They had tried their best to keep it a secret. Their excitement was getting the best of them sometimes in the day. But they still never said anything until it became official.
Olivia Gerwitz became a Halstead on her 7th birthday. Olivia Gerwitz-Halstead. Because there was no way Jay was going to let her forget about the man she had as her biological father. The man that helped Jay get to where he is today. It was the same day that Jay and Erin were wed in front of a judge. The Halsteads.
10 years down the road, Jay and Erin watch Olivia walk the stage at her high school graduation. She was packing to soon head off to the United States Military Academy in New York, wanting to follow in both of her father's footsteps. Their two sons, Henry and Josh, sat next to them. Jay didn't even try to attempt to hide his tears.
He visited Mouse later that night. He spoke to him for hours, unable to stop talking about the great woman his daughter had become. He thanked Mouse for letting her come into his life, for letting him get himself together, getting his life together. Jay wished more than ever for Mouse to be there with him. To have a beer together and watch the lights of oncoming traffic in the cameras. But he knew that Mouse was watching over him. Watching over the life he had built for himself. And he knew he wouldn't have been more proud.
/
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