Full Summary: The Charmed witches of San Francisco are entering the uncalled for ninth season of Charmed, where they face the thing that almost ended them years before: budget cuts. When they soon realize their world is shrinking, characters are disappearing, and time is running out, a very odd animal OC comes with a desperate invitation sent from the world of Harry Potter. When one group uses wands, the other uses rhymes, and elders are no longer the only people who wear robes on a daily basis, what does all of this sum up to? Incompatible.
Disclaimer: Yes, I was in that commercial. Wait, that wasn't the question? Oh... right. I don't own any legal rights to Charmed or Harry Potter, nor do I ever dare intend to make profit off of these odd ramblings called my parody. Yeah. What up.
Author's Note:
Well... here's the thing: my first fanfiction I ever posted on here went virtually unnoticed, so I was pissed about that. Then I came to terms with the fact that it was overly dramatic and probably never going to be finished. Now I'm trying my hand at something a little less serious and a little more wtf. So here it is, my area of expertise.
Also, I dedicate this story to anyone else who strongly disliked that Phoebe had to go to "trial" and lose her powers. I also dedicate this story to anyone who is currently feeling depressed, grieving the loss of someone or something important to them, or is just not feeling like themselves. Here as I see it, the best medicine, second to chocolate covered raisins, is humor. So if you're feeling low, I hope this can help ease your transition into feeling better. If this made you at least crack a grin (especially a coy grin) then my work is done.
P.S. No owls, gerbils, cats, or teddybears were harmed in the making of this fanfiction. For serious.
Chapter 1: Budget Cuts
San Francisco, California, USA; October 2006
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The Halliwell house rested on Prescott Street in a serene, early morning quiet. Too quiet, that is.
Phoebe sat up in her bed, kind of like how a vampire rises from a coffin. Something deep stirred her. She felt oddly out of place, even in sleep. She felt as if an unseen number of people were missing and that their absence was deeply affecting her.
She smiled as a way to forget about her strange awakening, and hopped out of bed to begin her day.
By the time she got to the bathroom, her smile was for naught. While she was in the shower, the water gradually became colder, ALL the lights in the bathroom went out, and the hair dryer was switched with a cardboard replica. Down to her last hope, with the aid of a nearby flashlight, she saw that there were no bath towels, only highly realistic, life-sized portraits of towels painted in the cupboards.
"What the hell?" She grumbled on her soaking way out to her bedroom. Everyone in the household has already seen her naked at least once, so it didn't faze her too much to walk uncovered the whole fifteen steps back to her room. Besides, she was already at her door when she remembered she forgot her bathrobe in the bathroom. Oh, well.
She grudgingly used her blanket as a towel when she arrived. No matter, she would just get dressed and find her sisters. To her horror, though, when she opened up her closet, all she could see were her old outfits – as in from six years ago – as in short skirts, halter tops, stripper shoes, and even a dominatrix outfit.
"Oh, god."
Downstairs
Piper stood in the kitchen working at the stove, joined by Paige at the table, who was reading a contract that had appeared on top of the Book of Shadows that morning.
"Whoa," they heard Phoebe utter from the doorway.
Piper glanced at her sister, clad in the longest black skirt she could find, a tight camisole, and heels, and then went back to her bubbling pot. "I see your wardrobe has changed, too."
"Why are the stairs right next to the kitchen? Wasn't there a sitting room and a hallway before?"
"Budget cuts," said Piper, who was lucky to have found her black t-shirt and jeans instead of something as skimpy as her sisters.
"What was that?"
"Hey guys?" Piper rolled her eyes and Paige looked up from the thick packet of paper.
Billie walked in next to Phoebe, looking uncharacteristically anxious. "I can't do backflips anymore! Phoebe, did a stripper dress you this morning?"
"Thanks a lot," she muttered before walking to the kitchen table.
"We know, Billie," Piper started. "Budget cuts."
"Budget cuts from supernatural abilities?"
"No, budget cuts from the series funding."
"Come again?"
Piper added some pepper to her pot and said, "Paige, how about you read that out loud so we can catch these two up?"
Her sister nodded sadly and sighed. "'Dear Charmed Ones and hot blonde supporting actress, due to the immense decrease in viewers, we at the WB/CW are sad to inform you that we will no longer fund your supernatural adventures. This means, and is not limited to: fewer cameras, fewer sets, inexperienced crew members, fewer special effects, fewer cast members, one writer–
"–Paige, you're mumbling again–"
"–and no speech therapists.'"
A cold weight dropped down Phoebe's stomach. Her skin felt numb, her insides felt empty.
"Do you see now, Kaley Cuoco?" Piper asked.
Everyone looked at Billie, who was currently placing brass knuckles in her back pocket. She paused when she noticed everyone's eyes on her. "Hm?"
"Nevermind."
Paige looked up at Phoebe, "It mentions in here that our 'missing items and sets' were actually sold in order fund this one last 'episode' as they call it. It also explains why we're dressed like Hooters waitresses: 'inexperienced crew members' branches out to the fashion department, too."
"No, this can't be happening. There's got to be an explanation. Why now? Why us?"
Paige scowled and turned all the way to the back of the packet. "'For your loss, we have supplied a poster of our new, hit show Supernatural, signed by Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki.'"
Phoebe and Billie still looked confused, so Piper set down the four bowls she just got out and snapped for their attention.
"It's about two brothers who kill demons. Sound familiar?"
Phoebe had to take a seat. "Can we go to the elders for help?"
"Fewer cast members," Paige mumbled back. "Oh, yeah, Leo and the boys are 'staying at Victor's' for the time being, meaning they had to let their actors go too."
"This can't get any worse," Phoebe said into her hands. Although her cry was muffled, Paige still heard and rested her head on her shoulder. "Is there anything we can do?"
"I don't know," Piper began, "but I made us all chicken soup for breakfast."
Billie sat down across from Phoebe and asked, "Why chicken soup?"
Piper shrugged, setting down two bowls for her sisters, "It just felt like the right thing to do."
During their breakfast/dinner, they discussed the goings on and attempted to come up with a game-plan. They knew they were running low on time, for the lack of any adventure would surely lower the few remaining viewers and the world they knew would disappear. Then again, this weird, non-cannon compliant version of season nine was pretty uncalled for.
They had a few ideas, one being a good old fashioned car wash (especially while wearing Phoebe's clothes) but they didn't know how much time they really had, or how they would be able to send their earnings to the WB/CW.
After they finished eating, the four women gathered in the living room to brainstorm some more, although it looked more like moping.
And then, out of nowhere, "Hedwig's Theme" began to play throughout the room. It got louder and seemed to be coming from Billie. "Hello? Oh, hey Grandma." The music stopped, and they realized it was just a ringtone.
"Great. We can't afford appropriate clothing, but blondie gets to keep her cell phone," Piper remarked.
A bird screeched somewhere nearby, catching the attention of the three sisters. Once again, everyone was staring at Billie. She was off the phone, playing with her nunchucks. "What?"
The bird screeched again, spooking Billie into telekinetically flinging her weapon at the window, not before almost hitting Piper, resulting in a broken stained glass window.
Instead of sending irritated glares at her, the sisters were distracted by the owner of the screech flying through the new opening. A white spotted brown owl dropped an envelope on the coffee table and landed on the TV.
They were all silent as they watched the owl watch them. That is, until Piper said, "I swear, I am going to slaughter that thing if the letter is from the WB/CW."
The "thing" in question didn't look offended, 'cause it's a bird (who happens to be very well composed), but soon all eyes were on the innocent letter resting in front of them.
Paige at last stood up and reached for the letter. She scrunched up her face a little in shock. "It's heavy."
"That's what she said," Phoebe said cryptically.
"Of all the times to make that joke, it had to be when suspense was at it's highest?"
Phoebe just shrugged and Paige rolled her eyes. She continued with the task of opening the letter, momentarily distracted by the pretty, red blot of wax on the back, and slid a little mirror into her hand.
"Um..."
Billie pointed to the ground, "Something fell out."
"I think it's parchment," Phoebe knelt down and observed the odd piece of neatly folded, yellowish paper. "Does any of this seem familiar?"
"Hedwig's Theme" began to play again, and this time Billie was aware of the sisters' eyes on her.
"Gosh, a girl can't get a call from her grandma," she muttered. "What's up, Grandma?"
Piper looked almost as irritated as the time future Chris kept being cryptic with her during most of season six, but she ignored Billie and picked up the fallen note. After a few seconds of reading, her eyes went wide and her sisters' curiosities were way above the normal rate.
"Piper? What does it say?"
She looked at Paige, glared at Billie (who somehow got her nunchucks back and returned to swinging them like a pro), and then glanced back down at the letter. "It says we're in a crossover."
The four of them stopped and thought about that, for they knew that the chapter was ending but only the readers knew that now the most obvious component they were soon to be introduced to will be next chapter.