by Altra
"What do you want from me now you got me
Now my fingers bleed now they're staring at me
I'm coward now, I hold my peace"
It's all because you weren't there.
I just wanted to see you, to talk to you.
But you weren't there.
You weren't there.
I felt like cursing myself in these moments, just because I wanted to see you so badly that my fingers itched to caress your face as I told I love you.
But you don't love me.
And you never have.
I doubt you ever will. Love me, that is. I know you've never really seen me. Or heard my voice. And I know you really don't care how I do my hair, or what I wear. But it matters to me.
And no one cares more than I.
You've always been in my life, since as long as I care to remember. You are my life. And yet, you don't even acknowledge me sometimes. And I just want to scream at you, and tell you I hate you. But I could never do that because I'd be lying.
And you hate liars.
But you weren't there.
I tried not to I swear I did. I ignored him, his taunts, his sneers, the way he saunters into a room. The way he sees me.
The way he cares about how I did my hair. Or what robes I decide to wear. The way he is constantly telling me how he hates to see me. How he hates that he has to lie.
And you hate liars.
But I never had to act my best around him. I never had to watch what I ate, what I said, in case he happened to notice. He always noticed, and he always cared. He never restricted me, never put me in the shelter of his unseeing eyes.
I was always the first thing he saw in the morning.
And you weren't there.
You never saw me in the morning. Or during the day. Or at night. You never saw me. You were never there.
You never cared about how I smelled. Or what make up I wore. You never saw the robes I wore just for you. And you never read the letters I left you.
But he did.
He always noticed what I wore, teased me on my make up. He always saw my robes and he read each insult I wrote him.
He always noticed, because he was always there.
And that makes a difference you know.
We could have had something great, you and I. If only you had heard my voice, or commented on my hair or my fumbles with make up to impress you.
He noticed where every strand of my hair strayed. He listened to every word I said, if only to refute it. He would dance with me, even when no music was playing, simply to say I was a silly child.
He was there.
He told me he loved me today. And I ran crying from him; leaving him in the rain I love so dearly. Just because of you.
Because I still love you.
So I'm sitting here crying because you never noticed me. And I wonder why. Why do I care about you at all? You are nothing extraordinary, like he is. You aren't the dearest thing to my heart, like he is. You aren't the first person I see when I wake in the morning.
But he is.
He's everything to me. And I can't believe I'm writing this at all. I've always known that I've loved him. I was just afraid of what you would think if you saw me.
If you saw me.
But I do love him. I love him. More then you will ever know.
I love him.
And it's all because you weren't there, Harry.
You weren't there.
You weren't there when my heart was breaking. You weren't there when I was happy.
When I was sad.
But he was there every step of the way. He was breaking my heart. He was making me happy.
Making me sad.
And you will never have that kind of control over me. You will never be able to feel my pulse in your palm like he can. You will never know where every strand of my hair falls like he does. You will never know what it feels like to be left alone in the rain, like he does.
But you will know what it's like to be in love some day.
But not with me.
Because he is with me. He is mine, and I am his.
I am his.
I can envision myself running into the rain, into his arms. I can feel his breath on the back of my neck already. I can feel the way his fingers slide along the sides of my arms.
I can feel all this because he's there.
Because Draco never forgot about me.
And because you weren't there.
_______________
A/N: I really hadn't a clue how this would turn out. I like it, even if it is rather sketchy, and sad for the H/G crew. I think if I ever told anyone what inspired this, they'd think I was mad... Anyway, the lyrics at the top are from "Inside my head" by Radiohead.