Disclaimer: I do not own any characters. Just the asinine plot. :D

This is my first ever fanfiction. And it is crazy. Co-written by my sister and I.

Brotherhood Babbles

The Beginning Beat

Consider a time in which life flowed as freely as the rivers of maple syrup and candy land dreams. The women were loving and the men almost non-existent. But one soul with a Y chromosome stood tall in the sexual fantasy of all heterosexual males.

And that soul was Todd Tolensky.

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"Betcha five bucks he'll be comatose within the hour."

The rest of the Brotherhood stood on and watched as Todd twitched on the tiled kitchen floor. His spasms were so violent that the other boys had to keep a distance of ten feet so as to not get their teeth knocked out. Lance Alvers, feeling adventurous, decided to up the ante on Pietro's wager.

"I wager fifteen, and him DYING."

They had a good chuckle about this for a few moments. Freddy, bless his soul, was a little more sympathetic.

"Uh, shouldn't we call 911 or somethin'?" he interjected on their little joke.

Pietro frowned at this. How DARE he show compassion to Toad? He, of the Brotherhood of EEEEEVIIILL? But, not bothering to bring this up as he had already forgotten what he was thinking about, Pietro ignored Fred.

"Hark, we must leave, to the STORE! For we are out of cereal." Lance announced dramatically.

"Yeah, because Todd ate it all," said Fred sadly. Lance shook his head.

"Nah, we had none before that. What Toady here ate was a pound of pure caramel, disguised as cereal." Lance answered. "Of course, QS here used your stash."

Freddie seemed to take it well. He only threw Pietro into the fridge.

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Surprisingly enough, Lance was a pretty graceful driver. He daintily took the left turn at 80 miles an hour, through the elementary school playground. It was almost swanlike, how he swerved around the screaming children almost flawlessly. Of course, little Tommy had to spend his third grade graduation in critical condition, but thems the breaks. Speaking of brakes, Lance nicked only twelve cars as he screeched to a halt in the supermarket parking lot. It was a new record!

The other shoppers looked at them warily as the three boys swaggered into the store. Well, Fred waddled. Pietro failed to impress, though, for he smacked into the sliding glass door, as he was going a little too fast for it to react. Lance laughed at him, and then mysteriously found himself with a broken jaw.

They enter, and soon notice something exciting. Lance, with his newfound speech impediment, exclaimed, "Oh, loo' guy'! Sho' 'iing cahs'!" He pointed at the shopping carts.

"Oh! Oh! I wanna ride one!" Fred hopped up and down like a dog denied of its right to urinate, and effectively caused the ground to imitate an earthquake. 5.6 on the Rictor Scale, for those interested.

"I'd rather you not, Blob. Seeing as you'd crush the poor thing." Pietro explained this to him, "Unlike someone thin and beautiful as moi. So I shall be riding the cart of glory."

Fred also took this well. Pietro skidded down the second aisle, and knocked over a poor employee setting up a stand of two liter sodas. They say he'll be out of the hospital next week, but Pepsi will haunt him forever.

Lance caught up to Pietro in the dairy section. Pietro seem miffed.

"Who the hell puts eggs in the dairy aisle? They're obviously vegetables."

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"I foun' uh cewea'!"

Lance cried with joy. And pain. Merciless pain. He seriously needed to seek medical attention. Fred and Pie attempted to desperately understand what he was saying. And the blood kept squirting onto their clothes which frankly was unflattering. After actually looking into the direction Lance was pointing, they finally comprehended his anguish laced sentence.

"Ohhh, you mean CEREAL. Um, good work Lance. And find some napkins to clot that fountain of red. You're making a puddle." Pietro shooed him away.

Lance made an angry face. Pietro was the one that caused his chin to shatter. HE should find napkins! Or at least a towel. He stomped off with malice and broken teeth.

The other two could now focus on their quest to seek the Cereal of Ages.

"Hey, Pietro! Look! This box of Jagged Sharp Teethy Tooth Crunch comes with a free Knashy Shark lighter! Let's get it!" Fred begged. He did enjoy children's breakfast cereals.

"Simple fool, we shouldn't just buy it due to a free crap prize! It's a tool to sucker stupid customers into buying processed junk that will cut the roof of your mouth!"

Fred began to make his 'I'm going to take this well' face, and Pietro decided it wasn't worth it to have another rug burn on his ass.

"Or, we could buy it. I could use a lighter. Somehow. Yeah."

At this pivotal moment of choosing, Lance gallantly returned, with several napkins stuffed up his face, and a sway in his step. He wasn't strutting; it was blood loss.

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"Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen…"

The brotherhood boys were getting impatient. Sure, it was bad enough that there was only one checkout lane open, but the guy in front of them took the cake.

"Who the hell pays for fifty dollars worth of groceries in PENNIES?" Pietro said loudly. Fred nodded in agreement.

"Thas ih!" Lance shouted and gurgled at the same time. He pushed Duncan Matthews to the ground and stepped on him. "Yuu. Sewl. Cewea. Now." He directed this command to the cash register lady and managed to spew some blood on her face. Too scared and disturbed to do anything else, she shakily took the cereal from him.

"Ah, uh, okay. And how will you be paying for this, sir?"

Uh oh.

"That's right! You have to use money for food!" Pietro realized. The lady stared at him. "Correct, sir. So, are you going to pay or not?"

They were lost on this concept. Thinking quickly to get out of a potential awkward silence, Pietro used all of his finesse and skill to rectify the situation.

"Look! A convenient distraction!"

And so they ran. And it was beautiful.

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Freddie dragged Lance up the driveway by his leg, and the boy was successfully eating pavement. Lance had passed out whilst driving erratically down a sidewalk, and Fred was forced to take the wheel, as Pietro was filing his nails. The body count was five fire hydrants, seven cyclists, one old lady, and over four dozen mailboxes. The mailmen around the world wept.

Once inside, they heard several crashing noises coming from the kitchen. Toad was convulsing on the glass and porcelain littered tile. The boys perceived this as break dancing, due to them forgetting this morning's events.

"Eee! My fine china!" Pietro shrieked.

"So, uh, where's the cereal? I'm hungry." Fred's tummy grumbled.

"Oh no, I think we forgot it at the store. We'll have to replace it with caramel again."

Fred was too famished to take that well. Poor baby.

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Several hours later, Todd regained consciousness. His back strangely hurt. Mayhaps it was the shards of plates lodged into his spine. He made his way into the living room. The geyser of blood that was Lance was ignored.

"Woah, what happened, yo?"

"I have no idea." Pietro lied. "Want some cereal?"

And so there it is. Reviews are nice and whoever can correctly translate what the crap Lance is saying gets, I dunno, a pat on the back. Good job, Skippy:D