Yes, this is a crack!fic. Yes, the characters are very OOC. Yes, I seemingly have no sense of humour. :D

And well, this is what happens when Hera takes Zeus to counseling.

Edited on 6/8/12 for overall quality control.

"Zeus honey, are you almost ready to go?" a melodious voice called from the living room. It had a velvety quality to it, like spoiled milk. Definitely spoiled milk.

I mumbled something unintelligible about "granny panties" as I burrowed further beneath the cocoon of covers, snuggling with Mr. Cuddles the unicorn.

"You're not still in bed, are you?" the voice asked. It was so soothing, like fingernails scraping against a chalk board. I heard a pair of heels click into the bedroom impatiently, and sensed a figure hovering over me.

"Zeus," it whispered, breathing down my neck. A cold chill raced down my spine. It took a deep breath, then shouted, "WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT! WE HAVE TO GO NOW!"

I shot up like a comet, breaking free of the cover-restraints, goose bumps covering every inch of my body. You see, it wasn't a normal shout. It's what we Olympians collectively agreed to call the "Man Voice". Hera's man voice.

My immortal wife stood in front of me, her arms crossed over her chest. Her lips were pursed and her eyes bore signs of agitation. Nothing more dangerous than an irritated goddess. She raised a chocolate eyebrow, waiting for my response.

I struggled to formulate an answer. Do I play nice, kind husband, or flirty, bad boy husband? "Uh, that dress looks nice on you. Really shows off your—" I paused momentarily "—curves, your curves. You look sexy!"

She rolled her eyes. "We're leaving in five minutes. I expect you to be ready by then. Or else." She turned on her heels and paraded out the room, slamming the heavy door behind her.

I took a deep breath, realizing I'd been holding it. Hera's breath was STANKY!

I got up and put on one of my signature pin stripped suit, then combed my beard. Every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man, right?

I sat down on the bed, causing it to creak and groan. How could Hera take me to marriage counseling? I was the world's best husband, for crying out loud!

I sniffed the air—something was burning. I looked down, realizing my beard had caught fire in all the excitement. Deep breath, deep breath.

"I'm ready, darlin'!" I yelled, strutting out of our bedroom. I grabbed my suit jacket from the coat closet and slid it on, grabbing Hera's hand as I pulled her out of the house.

She kept the sour look on her face. She never broke character (because she was obviously merely acting like she's developed a nasty taste for me).

"Can I please get CosmoGod? I love their articles!" I begged as we passed a newsstand. I nodded to Hermes, who was leaning against the stand, reading a newspaper. He mustered a small smile as he made a quick excuse, then scurried away. Everyone was so intimidated by me!

"Why would you want that garbage?" Hera asked, frowning at the glossy cover.

"It keeps me up-to-date on the current events!" I explained, giving her a crooked grin.

She rolled her eyes and let loose an exasperated sigh, but picked up a copy of CosmoGod from the newsstand. She also picked up a copy of Marriage Weekly, the magazine she published. She always insisted I read it, but I couldn't stomach it. It was… icky.

She handed the tabloid to me rather forcefully, and then powerwalked away.

I looked at the cover of CosmoGod, shaking with excitement at the newest edition. What articles were in store this week? Front and center, Percy and Annabeth were hand in hand, smiling in their blissful ignorance. They were Aphrodite's favorite subject. The caption read, "The Triumphs of Teenage Love".

In the corner of CosmoGod was a picture of me and some Naiad. The caption read, "Zeus Takes Yet Another Girl… What About Hera?" I tried to remember when the picture was taken. I'd been pretty good lately. Then I remembered—it was Dionysus's birthday. I allowed him one day of freedom and man—he went crazy! Most of the party was a blur—centaurs in party dresses, satyrs in bikinis… Mix that with necter, and well, you get one Hades of a night.

I glanced up—Hera was fading into the crowd. I cursed as I hurried to catch up with her. Finally, me out of breath, she stopped. "We're here, honey!" she proclaimed, her voice as sweet as honey. Or maybe vinegar? I get the two confused.

She opened the door and walked inside. I stood there, transfixed by the sign. It was glowing neon with flashing lights and swirling colors. The words "Marriage Counseling" blinked on and off, proceeded by a picture of a happy couple smiling. By gods, what madness is this?

I stepped inside the decrepit building, my eyes closed, dreading the inside of the place.

"Zeus, the doctor is waiting for you. Hera's already in there," a polite voice said. I felt a pair of hands take mine and start to lead me. I cracked my eyes open, and had a sensory overload. Everything was covered in pink. And not light, baby pink—this was hot, neon pink. I started to sway, dizzied by the color.

"Can I get some help? The King is unstable!" the voice shouted. I tried to locate it. There was a pair of floating hands clenched around mine, but they weren't attached to a body.

I felt another set of hands grip my shoulders as a new voice said, "It takes some getting used to. But then again, I'm only hands. Toughen up, big boy."

The hands pushed me through a door and into an office looking thing. This time, the color scheme was black and that same atrocious neon pink.

I sat down on a squishy heart shaped chair and looked around. Hanging around the office were various pictures of an old… person—gender unknown—posing with different couples. I was able to pick out Aphrodite with Hephaestus, Aphrodite with Ares, and Poseidon with Amphitrite.

"Your picture would top off my collection, I'm sure," a voice said. It was an odd combination of fingernails screeching across a chalk board and Elvis.

I looked up and saw the man/woman/thing that was in all the pictures. I tried to smile and wave a little at it.

"There's no need to be shy," he/she said. "By the end of this session, we'll all know things we didn't know before." Then it smiled; its teeth were so white, I had trouble concentrating.

"That's wonderful, Bee," Hera said. I glanced to my left. She was practically beaming at the strange figure in front of me. "Zeus honey, this is my friend, Bee. Bee is the one who always goes with me to the marriage conventions. We go way back." She and the thing laughed like a couple giddy school girls.

"Are you a man or a woman?" I asked, raising a brow.

He/she and Hera laughed again, as if they were sharing some sort of inside joke. "Well Zeus, I like to keep my gender a mystery, that way I'm not biased to one or the other."

"But which one are you?" I asked, becoming concerned that my wife had spent so much time with this unusual being.

"I guess that is for you to decide!" it cackled. "Now then, let's get down to business. First of all, you both must admit that there's a problem. Can you do that?"

"I admit there's a problem," Hera said, folding her arms across her chest.

"Good, good," Bee said, patting Hera's knee. "Now Zeus, what about you?"

"I don't see a problem here," I said louder than necessary.

"HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE A PROBLEM?" Hera yelled at me in her man voice. Again. I cowered in my seat, my teeth clattering.

"Hera darling, there's no need to yell. Zeus, do you honestly think this is the perfect marriage? Are you completely happy with everything?" Bee asked, plopping down on my lap.

"Erm," I muttered, wiggling under the genderless counselor. "I guess… ut seems fine to me." Hera gave me a dirty look. Not wanting to be yelled at again, I quickly added, "There may be a slight problem in our marriage."

"Good, good. Now then, step two," Bee said, stroking my beard. "Let's talk about our feelings. Hera, you first."

"Gladly, Bee. Well, Zeus is all the time going off and having kids with mortals and—"

"THAT WAS ONE TIME!" I shouted, my beard sparking. Bee yanked its hand away, instead resting it on my cheek.

Hera, ignoring me, said, "And I just don't like that. You don't see me going off and doing that, do you? And another thing, if you look at this magazine—"she took CosmoGod from my hands "—you'll see Zeus and a random Naiad together. I can only imagine how many other times this has happened. I'm fed up."

"Good, good. It's fabulous to express your feelings. You never want to keep them bottled up. Zeus, your turn," Bee said, leaning its head on my shoulder.

"Okay, Bee," I began, tilting my head away from him/her. "I'm sick and tired of Hera always nagging me about everything! 'Go talk to your kids… Get off of that couch… Quit eating all the ambrosia…' One thing she never seems to run out of is complaints!"

"It's not like I'm asking you to clean the toilet! I'm barely asking you to do anything at all!"

"Hera, it's not your time to speak," Bee snapped. "Zeus, anything else you'd like to add?"

"Uh… not right now."

"Okay Hera, you may speak again if you'd like."

"Thanks Bee. All I really want is Zeus to pay attention to me! Whenever we go to fancy diner parties, his eyes are always on some other woman. I just want…. I just want…" Hera's voice cracked. All at once, she started sobbing.

I looked at Bee and mouthed, 'What am I supposed to do?' He/she motioned for me to hug Hera, so I did. Bee wouldn't get up from my lap, so hugging Hera was slightly awkward with it in the middle. Shortly thereafter, Hera stopped crying.

I whispered, "I'm sorry Hera Beara."

She laughed at the old nickname and smiled wistfully.

"I never knew…"

"Oh Zeuy! I'm sorry. I never told you anything. How was I supposed to expect you to understand when you had no idea?"

We both laughed and cried, Bee egging on our influx of emotions.

A few minutes later, Bee said, "I'd say my work here is done. How about I schedule another appointment for next Tuesday? Then we can see how things are going."

"You're a miracle worker, Bee!" I said as I stood up, shooing him/her off of me politely.

"Yes, I know," it said, flipping its hair in a Beiber-esque fashion. That was one son of Apollo I adored. 'I was like baby, baby, baby, oh!' "Now then, I've got to have a picture with you guys!" Bee produced a camera from the folds of its pink overcoat.

Once the picture was done printing, Bee hung it on the wall. My eyes were all red and puffy. Crying looked good on me!

"Thanks Bee!" Hera and I yelled as we walked out of the office.