Summary: Title self explanatory, random silliness.
Rating: T for language and suggestion
Author: wicked18writer
Spoilers: Set in crack filled verse.
Jason found a letter taped to his front door, he opened it and began to read…
50 Things Jason Stackhouse is Not Allowed to Think in Sookie Stackhouse's Presence
by. Sookie Stackhouse
1 Having sex with anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2 Sookie having sex with anyone…
3 …especially with Bill….
4…or Eric…
5…or Hoyt…
6…or Sam…
7…or Sam in animal form
8…or Arlene
9 The difference between cornballs and corn on the cob
10 How cool it would be to drive a lawnmower to work one day
11 If ghosts can still have sex with living people like in that movie or if ghosts have to have sex with other ghosts
12 What if feels like to have a vampire make love to you in your bottom
13 What its like to have oral sex with a vampire…
14 …and what temperature their semen is…
15…and if vamp semen consumed orally has some of the effect vampire blood has on humans
16 How your legs would look in women's shoes
17 How many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop
18 How many licks it would take to make Pam orgasm
19 How many licks it would take to eat a chocolate covered Viking, from head to toe
20 If comparing dicks with Hoyt in the bathroom means your gay
21 Why bee's can fly even when there bodies are supposed to be too heavy for them to lift with there little wings
22 Who invented the thong
23 The psychology behind chubby chasers
24 What kind of sex a man can have with a donkey…
25…or a horse….
26…or a goat….
27…or a shape shifter who can turn into all of these animals
28 How Eric would look dressed up like that guy in Rocky Horror Picture Show
29 If Sam ever has sex with other animals…
30…and if so how many illegitimate offspring he has…
31…and if said offspring is born human, animal, or some kind of weird hybrid that kills the animal it is born to as a human child is probably larger than any baby it would have had naturally
32 Why people have to die even when there good
33 What type of perfume Pam uses and where she applies it
34 If the penis pump really works, and if you need it
35 Where freaks go now that there are no more freak shows in the circus
36 Why doesn't Bill just move now that he's been replaced by Eric
37 Are people who have sex with vampires considered into necrophilia …
38…And if so what do we call people who have sex with really dead people
39 What it would feel like if you shaved of all your body hair
40 Why men are wearing make up and callin' it stuff like guyliner
41 What's it like to have sex with a woman when she's on her period…
42 …And if vampires consider that like a delicacy
43 If Eric has to shop a big & tall shop or if he just gets everything custom made
44 What specifically about clowns freaks him out
45 Why Sookie doesn't just learn how to play poker which would solve all her financial woes
46 If vampires can work out to build or burn muscle
47 Why can you never eat just one potato chip
48 Why they don't remake Buffy now that vampires came out of the coffin
49 What's the big deal about Edward Cullen's hair
50 What happened to Pluto
P.S. Jason, Let us never speak of this again- Love Sookie
A/N: Inspired by but not stolen from the indifferent child of earth's 51 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do. Which I highly recommend.
And if you're the kind of reader who reviews, review me. If you're the kind of reader who just reads and doesn't review, telepathically send me a message telling me what you think of the story…and if your not telepathic you know the whole review button works too.