Title: Forever and Always
Author: Xphile
E-Mail: Truxphile@aol.com
Summary: A Deadly disease brings the team both closer and further than they
have ever been from each other.
Rating: PG-13
Category: Angst, Drama
Parings: very slight Sam/Jack
Spoilers: The movie, and probably some other minor ones.
Archive: Heliopolis anyone else ask first please.
Status: Complete
Content Warnings: Character death, Some language, Angst
Disclaimer: I wish that I owned Stargate but I don't own them now, won't
own them ever. Doesn't matter how many magic lamps I rub:-) Also, a
slight disclaimer for the X-files episode Memento Mori. No this isn't a
crossover but one of the passages may seem slightly familiar (I borrowed it
for its medical expertise) if you're as big an X-phreak as I am you'll
recognize it.
Author's Notes: This is my first Stargate fic, so pleeeeeeeeeease send
some feedback, the good the bad and the ugly. I would also like to send a
BIG HUGE HONKIN thanks to Corine for being my beta, and encouraging me with
the story. Thanks!!!!!!!!
"Ahhh. Trees, trees, and more trees," stated Jack O'Neill, stepping onto a planet where a pale green sky dominated the air above, and to the north a blazing yellow sun could be seen rising over the oddly shaped purple hills.
The familiar comment elicited a smile from Sam.
"P3X9577," stated Daniel. "The ruins should be about a days walk that way." He pointed off to the west where the hills could be seen in the distance.
"Lead the way Danny-boy," Jack said, accompanied by a sweeping gesture of his hand.
* * *
By the time the team had reached the ruins the green sky had faded to dusk. They had set up camp despite the continuous protests coming from Daniel.
"Come on Jack! You said that I could look at them tonight."
"Correction Danny-boy, I said you could look at your rocks if there was enough light.which there isn't. At the rate that you end up in the infirmary we would be back home in ten minutes flat."
"But Jack."
"No way, no how, and absolutely no buts about it. YOU are staying put! You can have last watch though, that way you can look at them in the morning. But you better make sure that someone is up when you go out looking. If no one is I'll take a double shift, OK?"
"Fine," Daniel conceded, knowing he wouldn't get to look at his artifacts any sooner.
As it turned out Teal'c took first watch followed by Carter.
Sam walked into her CO's tent to wake him for his watch. "Sir, time to rise and shine."
Reluctantly O'Neill rolled out of his sleeping bag. When he looked at his Second he saw a look of shock forming on her face.
"Sir." she stammered.
"What is it Carter? Did I grow a third eye or something?" replied a confused Colonel.
"Sir, your nose," she choked out.
Jack immediately reached up to touch his nose. When he pulled his hand away it was sticky. "Shit," he said as he looked at his hand that now had flecks of blood on it. "It's alright Major. No biggie. It's just a nose bleed, go to bed."
"But Sir."
"Carter, I said I would be fine it's just a nose bleed. Now do I have to make that an order or will you go back to bed?"
"Yes Sir," she sighed as she reluctantly left to go back to her tent.
@ @ @
Four days later SG-1 left the campsite having found no inhabitants on a planet with no military value. As they walked they were weighed down by artifacts and soil samples, or as Jack liked to refer to them Daniel's rocks and Carter's rocks.
The nosebleeds had continued every night and Sam grew more and more worried about her CO and more importantly her friend.
Sam had told Daniel and Teal'c about the nosebleeds but neither had chosen to comment on the subject. Instead they worried in silence.
* * *
"SG-1, welcome home. I see that you are all intact."
"Yes Sir," replied O'Neill. "The mission was fine and I was bored out of my mind."
General Hammond smiled at his Second's reply, but had noticed how tense the team had been when O'Neill had answered. "Report to the infirmary for your physicals. We will debrief at 2200 hours."
"Home again, home again, jiggity jig." Jack stated with a smile, but did not follow the rest of his team to the infirmary. Instead he headed off to the locker room for a nice hot shower.
Shortly thereafter his clothes were on a pile on the floor and Jack was standing under the scalding hot water that massaged the aches of the mission out of his shoulders.
As he clambered out of the shower Jack felt much more relaxed than he had during the days of his mission. He had pulled on his pants and was starting to towel off his hair when Daniel and Teal'c came in.
"Janet wanted to see you. Sam told her about the nosebleeds," Daniel said in a timid voice. He was certain that his friend would blow up at this interruption, and invasion of his privacy.
"Oh for cryin' out loud! It is just a nosebleed! For Pete's sake!" ranted O'Neill.
"O'Neill, I am not familiar with this Pete to which you refer, but I believe it would be in your best interests if you were to report to Doctor Fraiser immediately," Teal'c stated matter of factly.
Jack left the room as Daniel attempted to explain that there was no Pete, but that it was another human saying. The last voice he caught was Tealc's "I do not understand this need for humans to refer to these obscure references." Jack just shook his head and made his way towards the infirmary.
@ @ @
Janet had just finished her examination of Jack. She went into command mode as the Colonel pulled his shirt over his head. "You have to tell your team."
"You can't make me tell them." Jack knew he sounded petty but he wanted to avoid the inevitable as long as humanly possible.
"No Sir, you're right, I can't, but you need to tell them for your sake as well as theirs," she replied, still irritated with his stubbornness.
"Come on Janet! It's nothing, just a couple of nose bleeds. They'll probably go away like last time." He wished she would cut him some slack and let him tell his team in his own time.
"Look Jack, there is no way to avoid it. It's getting worse. And you can't come up with any more excuses or justifications not to tell your team. On top of that you will have to explain why you can't go through the gate anymore, because I can't with a good conscience send you through that thing. I have no way of knowing how it is affecting your condition, in fact it might be the reason it is getting worse so quickly."
"Janet wait, come on. There has to be some thing that you can do! You can't stop letting me go through the gate."
The pleading and desperation in the Colonel's voice melted her heart. "I'm sorry Jack. There's nothing that I can do for you."
* * *
It was a completely silent as SG-1 accompanied by Doctor Fraiser sat in the debriefing room waiting for General Hammond's arrival.
Three-fourths of the team sat wondering why the scheduled debriefing had been pushed up so unexpectedly. Meanwhile both Jack and Janet had found interesting marks on the wall and were currently staring at them as if their lives depended on it.
When Hammond entered the room Sam stood and snapped to attention as per standard operating procedure. O'Neill seemed to completely miss the fact that his Commanding Officer had just walked into the room and continued to stare at an invisible mark on the wall. Janet was likewise oblivious.
Hammond cleared his throat, overlooking the breech in protocol. "I think that most of you are wondering why you are here. I know that this was to be a debriefing, but that has been changed. I am going to turn this one over to Doctor Fraiser's medical expertise for the time being."
This introduction pulled Janet away from her grim thoughts and straight into doctor mode.
Meanwhile Jack O'Neill attempted to sink far enough into his chair so that he would disappear.
Janet started her speech with a clinical detachment that would rival the best.
"It has come to my attention over the past months that the Colonel hasn't been feeling too well. We had it checked into, but couldn't find a cause at first, but taking into account Colonel's medical history, we had him tested for other illnesses. There is a nasopharyngeal mass located between the superior concha and the sphenoidal sinus. Colonel O'Neill has known about this for close to eight months. The location of the mass makes surgery impossible and all other forms of treatment problematical. We could try chemotherapy but I'm not sure of the results with this kind of tumor."
Three confused faces turned to their friend in astonishment. Daniel was the first to come out of his dazed state breaking the silence. "Meaning."
At this point Jack felt it necessary to lift his head from his hands and look his friend in the eye. With a detachment that matched Fraiser's and in a completely deadpan tone he stated, "Meaning, Danny-boy, that I have cancer and that tops I have about six months."
@ @ @
"Holy Hanna!" came Sam's nearly inaudible comment. "Sir." she stated her voice growing stronger, "Sir, what about the Tok'ra, maybe they can find a way to help." Before the words were out of her mouth she realized the ideas reception would not go over well. The Colonel was well known for his hatred of anything remotely like a Goa'uld but she didn't expect the outpour of anger that occurred.
"NO! No way! Not even if hell froze over. There is no way in anything I'm gonna have a Goddamned snake in my head! Those parasites are staying the hell away from me! I'd rather die without a second opinion in my head! There is no way any of you would put up with me if there were two ideas comin' out of my mouth at the same time. No way! None of that damned technology either, like those healing thingies. I am quite happy without a snakes help!"
Daniel's betrayed voice cut through anything else that O'Neill was going to say. "Why didn't you tell us, or are we not good enough for you? What the hell gives you the right to come in here and screw with our lives? You don't think this effects us!? Well it does. I'm sorry if you don't want our opinion but you should have told us. Jesus Jack, eight months!" The worry Daniel felt for his friend was masked so completely by the hurt at what he perceived as betrayal, that Daniel himself didn't even notice it.
"Danny."
"Don't Jack. Just don't." Daniel made a sweeping gesture with his hand to cut off his friend as he stalked out of the room.
* * *
Jack slid silently into his colleague's darkened office. It had taken a while to answer all the questions that Sam and Teal'c had for him. Now he was searching for his friend who had gone MIA over an hour ago.
At first Jack feared that Daniel had left the base. A quick call up to the guard station from the phone Hammond had let him borrow at his desk momentarily calmed Jack's fears. If Daniel hadn't left base then where was he? It was precisely these thoughts that led Jack to be standing in the middle of a darkened office. In particular the office of one errant archaeologist.
Jack was about to leave when he heard a sniffle from the corner of the room. "I thought you didn't like the dark."
"It seemed to fit the situation," came the muffled reply wrought with emotion.
"Come on Danny - - er um. Daniel. Come out of there."
"Why the hell should I!?" Betrayal was still evident in the shaking voice.
"Because I'm you're CO and I order you to come out." No reply. Time for a new approach.
The Colonel's voice softened. "And I'm your friend and I have a feeling of what you're going through and I know that you want to hit me so come out here and get it over with. I'm not gettin' any younger."
Silence.
"Danny, look, I know you want to come out of there and get off the cold floor. Doc would kill me if I let you sit there and you ended up with a cold or something."
"Why didn't you tell us?" The simple question, the soft quiet tone of voice, the way he slid out of the corner with his eyes red ringed and puffy from crying all tore at Jack's heart.
Jack walked over and plopped himself into Daniel's chair, which happened to be the only one clear of debris, as he flicked on the switch. "I really don't know."
"You'll have to do better than that," Daniel said scornfully as he wrapped his arms around his knees in a defensive posture as he pushed himself against the wall.
**At least he's not in the corner still. The wall isn't much better but at least it's progress,** Jack thought. "Truthfully I didn't think that the team needed the burden. I wanted things to stay normal. Ya know? I mean I knew I would have to tell you eventually but." Jack heaved a huge sigh. "I don't know. I guess what I really wanted to avoid was the looks."
This was like pulling teeth. If it had been anyone else they would have let their frustration show, but Daniel was patient and sincerely inquired, "What looks?"
"You know the looks. The ones that say 'he's a goner'. The ones that hold all the pity."
Daniel got up from the floor and smoothly slid five or six books off a chair and quickly occupied the vacant seat. He then looked into Jack's eyes and asked a question without words.
Jack dutifully answered. He never shied from duty no matter how distasteful. "The doctors had those looks after Iraq. But mostly it was when my dad was dying. Same thing cancer, but he had pancreatic cancer that spread throughout his body. Then there were the people who would come around and bring flowers and chocolates and looks filled with pity and even some had a sense of horror." Jacks hands started fiddling with one of the pens off of his friend's desk. "They wouldn't touch him. It was like they were afraid that it would spread to them. All they ever did was look at him with pity. The entire time all I wanted to do was scream that he didn't need their pity, he just needed them to be his friend like before he had gotten sick." Jack was now staring directly at the pen that his fingers deftly twirled, unable to make eye contact with his friend.
In the world of Jack O'Neill even his best friend was left out of the loop at some points. News of Jack's father's death shocked Daniel. He had always assumed that Mom and Dad O'Neill lived out somewhere in Illinois. "I didn't know that your father had cancer."
"Yeah, he was around thirty when he died. It's kinda a family trait. You know the O'Neill family. good looks, charm, great cooking, Irish luck, cancer." Jack reeled off with a crooked smile that didn't reach his eyes.
Daniel didn't smile back, but instead waited for his friend to continue. He knew that if he pushed his friend the walls would once again come up to protect his battered heart.
Jack continued on a more sober note this time. "My little brother, Patrick. Well, he had leukemia. He died when he was eight, and I was around ten. Both of my father's parents had forms of cancer. And my uncle on that side also died when I was thirteen."
Despite his own tragic history Daniel found himself wondering how anyone could survive in that environment. Constantly in fear of contracting a disease for which there was no cure and there was no way to prevent, completely surrounded by death. It gave Daniel an insight into O'Neill's need for control. If he could not control the disease that ravaged his family then that was where he probably derived his need to control everything else to an obsessive extent. "Jesus Jack. I'm so sorry."
The Colonel leapt from his chair knocking it over in the process. "That's what I'm talking about. The constant sorries, the pity. You didn't create the disease so why the hell are you apologizing for it. I don't need this shit. I just want things to be normal."
Now it was Daniel's turn to be outraged. Repeating Jack's maneuver Daniel stormed to his feet shouting as loud as he could. "Fine! You want to go on pretending that everything is normal. The way things used to be. Well then you are sorry out of luck! You and Sam and Teal'c are the only family that I have left. Why should I stand here as you waste away pretending that everything is normal!? I never got to say goodbye to my parents but I'm damn well going to get to say goodbye to you. You aren't the only one this affects, so you know what fuck you! If you're only going to be around for another six months then you are damn well gonna' spend time with us."
With that Daniel unexpectedly wrapped his friend into a huge hug. Tears streamed down the young man's face as the older man tried to comfort his friend, whispering to him consoling him. The tears blinded Daniel to the fact that he was not the only one in the room with tears in his eyes.
@ @ @
During the past three months everything had changed. Despite all of his best efforts to act normal word had spread around base. Now everywhere he went he got looks from people that clearly stated they were gauging his life span. On top of that his team had been smothering him. Jack O'Neill was quickly approaching the point where all he wanted to do was yell. It was well known on base that if you were a junior officer then it was best to steer clear of Jack O'Neill, he had a tendency to take his anger out on any hapless airman that crossed his path.
**I have got to get out of here.** He thought grimly to himself. **First things first, I'll have to tell Sarah.**
* * *
"Hey Sarah. I'm fine. Well technically I'm not but I'll be OK. Wait. No I won't. Jesus. I'm such an ass," Jack stated to the rearview mirror that hung on the front windshield of his car. He absentmindedly ran a hand through his silvery hair. For the life of him he couldn't figure out how to tell her what he needed to.
"Now or never O'Neill." With that remark he clambered out of his truck and walked up to the front door of the home that he used to belong to. He was now a guest here. **Strange how the world works,** he thought the moment before his hand reached up and rapped on the door.
He quickly ran his hand over the smooth leather and the hard wood that he held, insuring that both items remained in his hands.
"Jack," the all too familiar voice called out. The voice was somehow soothing though. "Come in, this is a surprise."
"Hey Sarah." Jack attempted to act casual and failed miserably. **Might as well get to the point.** "Can we talk?"
Sarah looked at her ex-husband. He looked somehow older and more worn as he stood in the entryway to her home. His eyes didn't seem to glow the way that she remembered. She noted the items in his hands and gestured towards the living room. "Have a seat on the couch. Would you like something to drink? I was just about to get something."
As he seated himself on the couch he looked up at her. "No, I'm fi. er. not thirsty. Thanks though." **I will not lie to her. Not this time, she deserves more from me.** He looked longingly at her figure retreating to the kitchen. **She always has.**
She reentered the room carrying a glass of iced tea for herself. "So," she began casually, "what brings you here?"
"Well, I wanted to give you these," he replied.
Sarah immediately knew something was wrong by the items that she now held in her hands. A baseball glove that would perhaps fit a nine-year-old child and a small wooden box with the initials SJ carved into it and intertwined.
"Jesus Jack! What's wrong?" She knew that these were the two sentimental items that he had taken from their home when she had left him. She had packed his things and left them waiting for him, but these were the two items that he had taken from their home on his own.
"I never was any good at keeping things from you was I?" He looked somberly at his lost love.
The old accusation flew from her mouth before she could control the reaction. "Yes you were. You kept plenty of secrets." She had the sense to look abashed at the guilt that flashed across his face.
"I'm really sorry for that. I would have told you but." The sentence dropped off with the words he couldn't bring himself to say. **My country came first.** It was one of the things that he had regretted, but was never ashamed of.
"What do you want Jack? You wouldn't come here without a reason." Sarah was still angry. He may not have said the words but she knew just the same that she took second seat to the government that had ruled his life.
"I'm serious. I didn't come here to reopen that stuff, and I'm sorry about that. I really just came to drop those things off. Irish luck has to wear off sometimes," he stated never glancing up from his hands, which rested in his lap as a somber smile lifted the corners of his mouth.
Now Sarah became genuinely worried about him. What could be wrong? He always joked about Irish luck. When it came to the O'Neill family he claimed that it never wore off. She quickly went through a mental checklist.
Sounds fine, but there was a hint of sorrow in his voice that she might have missed had it not been for the fact that she had to live with him. If you didn't know Jack O'Neill intimately or spent most of your life trying to decipher him then you would have missed it. She looked down at her dead son's glove for answers, and it suddenly hit her. "Cancer," she whispered, hoping against hope that her suspicion wasn't correct.
"Yeah." He looked up into her face searching her eyes for understanding. "I guess not all of the O'Neill genes are perfect," he stated with a small smile.
"I'm sorr." Jack looked up at her sharply and she remembered how much he hated the empty sorries and the pity so instead she simply told him, "Good luck."
The first genuine smile since he had walked into her home graced his face as he stood up. "Thank you. I guess this is goodbye." He glanced down at his feet.
Sarah took the initiative and reached up and hugged him fiercely. "Good bye Jack"
As she watched his back retreat down the path towards his car she came to a single conclusion as she wrapped her arms around herself for comfort. **Sometimes love isn't enough.** Never once had Jack O'Neill ever said good bye to her.
@ @ @
Jack had one more stop to make before he could go to his cabin.
He had made the drive out to the cemetery many times. He came out on holidays, and birthdays, and the anniversary of his son's death. Occasionally he came out when his life got to hectic, but he had a kind of determination in his eyes as he slowly walked towards the too small grave that held the mortal remains of his son.
"Hey Charlie, I just wanted to come and talk to you," the dark clouds that had been looming since the morning finally opened and rain began to fall, however O'Neill didn't notice. "I just went to see mom. She's fine I think, I don't know how well she'll be able to deal with what I'm about to tell you.
"Look, Charlie, I'm dying," he said it with one big breath as if it caused him pain just to say the words out loud. "I miss you Charlie, but I don't know if I'm done here. There are so many people that I care about here, and I'm finally at a place where I can almost be happy."
Jack stared at the words carved into the stone and laughed bitterly. "You know life is full of irony. I never told you this but right after you died I drank a lot. I wanted to kill myself. I know that it's my fault that you're gone, and I couldn't deal with it. But then I met Daniel. You know my friend that I told you about. You know what he told me. He told me that he didn't want to die, and then he had the nerve to ask me why I was in such a hurry to."
Jack took a deep breath and continued speaking to the gravestone as he laid two roses on the moist ground in front of it.
"For so long all I wanted to do was die so that maybe I could see you again. But I've made peace with some of my demons, and I don't think I'm ready to go now."
Jack's perverse sense of irony got the better of him. But the however the bitter laugh had started it quickly transformed. Despite all his efforts for the first time since his son died Jack O'Neill, a Colonel in the United States Air Force, broke down and cried.
@ @ @
The first thing Jack did when he reached his cabin was call the General. He briefly informed him that yes, he was alive, and no, he didn't need anyone to come out and see him. He then told the General that he would be unreachable. Jack had decided that the best course of action was to unplug his phone and call in once a week, otherwise there wouldn't be a point, and his team would have him on the phone all the time.
The General objected, but there was nothing short of going out to Minnesota that would change Jack O'Neill's mind so he relented and promised to inform O'Neill's team.
Jack hung up the phone and then promptly put his plan into action by pulling the phone jack from the wall. He then took a deep breath, and settled in for a month of peace and quiet.
* * *
As the voice on the other end of the line picked up Jack inquired, "General, Sir. How are you?"
"I'm good Jack. How about you? Have you been visiting the doctor in town?"
"Yes Sir. Every week twice a week for the chemo. And I'm fine Sir, just been a little tired lately." Jack quickly changed the topic from his health to other matters of importance. "Has the SGC been surviving without me?"
"Well, we're still here, so I guess we are. There are some people here that would like to talk to you."
"Better put Danny on first."
On the other end the General smiled as he surveyed the briefing table. **Definitely a good choice.** Teal'c sat impassive as ever and Carter was doodling, but Daniel was practically bouncing off of the walls. He wouldn't stop moving. **Definitely a good choice,** the General reiterated in his head.
"JACK!" Daniel exclaimed as soon as the phone was in his hands
"Easy there, Danny-boy. I would like to continue to have full hearing in both of my ears."
Daniel grinned sheepishly and continued on informing Jack of all of the recent going-ons of the SGC. By the time the phone had gotten to Teal'c there wasn't much left to say.
"I trust you are doing well, O'Neill."
Jack snorted. "I'm fine, Teal'c"
"Then I will see you at the conclusion of your vacation."
"Bye Teal'c."
The conversations that Jack had with his team continued on much the same way the entire month. With the exception of the week that his team came out to the cabin to see him. It was oddly comforting to the solider that his friends worried so much about him. He smiled at Daniel's enthusiasm every time he got on the phone.
It was odd the way that his team could be hundreds of miles away and still manage to hover though. They must have mastered the technique by the end of the month. **How to hover the most in a 5 minute phone conversation by SG-1.** Strangely though instead of being a nuisance as it was when others hovered, coming from his team he found the situation uniquely relaxing.
* * *
The month of recluse soon came to a close. All too soon O'Neill found himself back in the SCG and a victim of the looks he so despised. In fact due to the chemical therapy the looks increased in their pity, and frequency.
The chemicals that tried to fight the disease that raged within Jack's body were killing healthy cells along with cancerous ones. His face had become gaunt, and his eyes sunken. He had lost over 25 pounds in his one-month hiatus to Minnesota, and not all of it was fat. His muscle tone had been greatly reduced due to the fact that he was oversensitive and nauseous after many of the treatments, which left him unable to get up and move around.
The owner of a familiar voice came barreling around a corner in his excitement to see his friend. "JACK!!!!!!!!!!!!" Daniel looked at his friend. Despite the fact that the team had visited him two weeks ago he was astounded at the amount of weight Jack had lost, and the sunken appearance of his face.
"Hey Danny-boy, did ya miss me?" Jack inquired as he slung an overly bony arm around Daniel's shoulder as he continued his trek down the hall.
"You know that I did. Plus we found these really great artifacts that SG-8 brought back. At first I thought they were Aztec in origin, but I looked closer and."
**Damn it feels good to be home** Jack thought with a chuckle. **Errant archeologist and all.** The sound of Daniel's voice going off on another tangent soothed Jack's frayed nerves.
Later that day Jack had a similar reunion with Carter, but hers included some techno-babble about something he couldn't possibly comprehend. When he ran into Teal'c the Jaffa merely stated that his return was welcomed.
Once he had seen all of the members of his team he spent over an hour with General Hammond detailing the fish he caught.or rather didn't catch.
All in all his return to the SGC seemed promising despite his appearance. And for an entire day Jack was able to ignore the looks and forget that there was a problem, and enjoy a normal life, or whatever passed for normal with three teams coming back from off-world missions.
@ @ @
Jack's day of bliss came to a crashing halt when he visited Doctor Fraiser. She looked into his eyes to deliver the horrifying news.
"Look, Jack I'm sorry but the chemo is having a very minimal effect on the tumor. The cancer is progressing rapidly through your system. It's already starting to spread."
"Shit."
"Shit is putting it mildly. To tell you the truth I'm surprised you're still on your feet. The chemo has slowly been killing the healthy cells along with the cancerous ones, and seems to be doing more harm than good. And while the chemicals had been slowing down the tumor to a degree the tumor seems to be fighting back and has been spreading faster. In fact it's growing so fast that it's starting to increase the pressure in your cranium. Are you having any headaches?"
The Colonel nodded mutely.
"That's what I thought. Surgery won't work, so the only thing that we can do is give you something to ease the pain. That is unless you would like to think about using some of the Goa'uld technology."
Jack was still adamant about his decision. "No snakes."
**Damn. I guess I have to tell him then.** "In that case Jack don't be afraid if your vision becomes blurry. The location your tumor is expanding into is causing it to press on your optic nerve. There is a good chance that you may go completely blind."
"So I guess this means that I better watch a lot of hockey before I go blind huh," O'Neill stated with a smile that he didn't feel.
Janet was upset. She knew that his jokes were a defense mechanism, but she didn't think that he realized the severity of the situation. "Look Jack, cancer is serious. I don't think that you are accepting the fact that this will eventually kill you."
"You don't think that I realize the severity of this. Janet, have you even looked at my medical history?" He practically spat the words in her face.
"Yes, Jack. As a matter of fact I have. It is my job! I've read every detail, every single detail. None of the stuff you've done before has any bearing on the situation at hand."
"No Janet. Not my history; my family history. Jesus, have you ever even looked at it? How the hell can you think that I don't comprehend the situation?"
"Yes I've read it, that's why I had the extra tests done when you weren't feeling. Oh God Jack, I'm so sorry.I um. I.geeze.I'm so sorry." internally Janet was berating herself. How could that detail have slipped her mind? He had already lived through this disease. Hell he probably dealt with it more before he was out of high school than she ever would in her lifetime as a doctor.
"No Janet," his voice seemed to become quieter, begging her to understand," I don't need your apologies. I need you to realize that I'm not a moron, I know the way this thing works. Look," he said picking up his jacket in preparation for leaving, "just be there tonight. At my house. For dinner, and bring Cass. I haven't seen her in ages.you told her right?"
"Yeah Jack. I told her," Janet said with a heart-felt sigh remembering all the tears that had fallen that night, not all of them belonging to her daughter.
"Thanks Doc. I don't thing I could have done it." Jack's eyes had a distant look as he said the words, but they quickly came back into focus and the emotion of the moment was broken. "Just um.bring yourself and Cass and all is forgiven, OK?"
Janet seemed to have switched off her emotions as easily as the Colonel had. "Sure sir."
* * *
"Hey guys. Do you want to come over to my house for pizza and beer this evening?"
"Don't you think that Janet will be upset with you if you eat that kind of junk food?" inquired Daniel.
"She's comin' too, and she's not gonna have any say over the matter because it's my house and I haven't had a pizza or a beer in who knows how long. Come on guys you know you want to." Jack grinned, but with his new gaunt appearance it looked more horrifying than anything.
"Sure Sir, I guess I'll come. What harm could it do, and I can't wait to see what Janet says when you order the pizza." Sam replied with enthusiasm.
"Yeah count me in too," agreed Daniel.
"I will endeavor to arrive if it is possible that I may procure a ride."
"Sure Teal'c no problem. I can take you home with me, and you can order the pizza, but this time try not to scare the guy."
Daniel, Sam and Jack all laughed as they remembered the last time Teal'c had tried to order pizza. He had scared the man on the other end of the phone by threatening him because he felt the prices were too high. Finally Jack had to get on the phone and calm the poor kid down. Well they had ended up with a free pizza.
"I do not recollect what was amusing about my attempt to purchase a pizza."
This only started the laughter up again. "What ever you say Teal'c. What ever you say," the Colonel said between fits of laughter.
@ @ @
Sam and Daniel pulled into Jack's driveway next to the pizza guy.
"I'll take that," Daniel said as he gracefully swapped two large pizzas for a fist full of money. The stunned pizza delivery person just nodded.
Sam opened the door to the Colonel's home and yelled into the living room, "Pizza's here."
"Feel free to dig in. The beer is in the fridge," Jack said, as he remained firmly planted in his chair.
Daniel was in the middle of asking after Jack's appointment with Doctor Fraiser when she walked through the door followed closely by Cassie.
"HEY!!!!!!! Colonel Jack!!!!!!!" An exuberant Cassie launched herself from the front door into his lap. He received her with a loud "Umph."
"Hey kiddo what'cha up to."
"Well. there's this really cute boy at school and his name is Timmy."
"Boy! Where!? Let me at 'em. You should bring him over here and let me have a firm talk with him. Hey aren't you too young to be thinking about boys anyways?"
Cassie burst out in a fit of giggles at the thought of her Colonel Jack having a firm talking to with any of the guys she liked. She would have to remember not to tell him where they lived, because she had no doubt in her mind that Jack actually would scare them off.
"Colonel Jack, I'll have you know that I am plenty old enough to have a boyfriend," she said it with mock indignation. "In fact I've already had one boyfriend."
Jack raised an eyebrow at Janet who only nodded in return. "Well in that case. we need to have a little talk about boys."
"Colonel Jack," Cassie said in hushed tones, "mom already gave me the birds and the bees talk."
Jack's laughter lit up the room and a genuine smile crossed his face. "Not that talk. The one where I tell you that all boys are bad, and if they give you any lip you send them to me and I'll have that talk with them."
"No problem. I'll remember that."
"Ahem," Janet gave Jack a look.
"What's wrong with me telling her to stay away from guys?" Jack asked innocently.
"Absolutely nothing. In fact you should tell her things like that more often. You should have seen the boy she brought home last time he had all these piercings and you should have seen the color of his hair."
"MOM!!!!" Cassie nearly took out Jack's hearing in one fell swoop as she leapt up intending to silence her mother before she embarrassed her any further.
"Sorry honey," Janet replied to her daughter with a look and a tone that suggested she was anything but sorry. "What I was upset about was the beer that you seem to be holding in your hand."
"What beer?" Jack answered her with a grin as he drank the last two gulps from the bottle he held. "I'm innocent Doc, I swear. Daniel made me do it."
"What!" Daniel nearly yelled from the corner "How did I get into this argument?"
"Well, it's extra big needles for both of you the next time you go off-world."
This thought immediately sobered the group.
"Mom, isn't there anything you can do to help Colonel Jack out?" Cassie inquired innocently.
"I'm sorry honey, there isn't anything." Fraiser looked down as tears started to form in her eyes. "The chemo isn't having much affect on the tumor. We will probably just stop the treatment all together. All it's doing is making him weaker."
"Hey. 'him' is in the room." Jack said, but was ignored by the doctor.
Janet leaned so she was eye to eye with her adopted daughter. "Honey the tumor is in a place where the doctors can't get to it, there is no way that we could do any sort of surgery or laser work without permanently hurting Jack."
"But Mom, I don't want Colonel Jack to die, he's like my second dad." Tears were now clearly visible in the young girl's eyes. "Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the reason everyone died. Maybe I'm why Colonel Jack is sick."
Janet Fraiser looked lost. She had no idea how to reassure her daughter that none of this was her fault and that sometimes bad things happen to good people.
Jack O'Neill however, a self-proclaimed hard ass and decidedly horrible at displaying emotions, knew exactly what to do. He silently scooped Cassie into his lap and let her cry on his shoulder. He sat like that for five minutes until he sighed and stated, "I think I'm going to go into the SGC tomorrow and clean out my locker and just spend the rest of the day hanging out at the base. Tomorrow will probably be my last day on base."
Daniel, Sam, and Janet wore identical horrified expressions on their faces, while Teal'c raised a single eyebrow so high, Jack could have sworn it wasn't attached anymore. Cassie simply looked up at her father figure and stared disbelievingly into his eyes. None of his friends, or rather family as he now considered them, could deal with the idea that Jack wouldn't be coming back to the SGC, and that his things would be missing from the base.
"Come on guys, you didn't think that I'd make you clean out all of my stuff. I've done that one too many times, I know how hard that stuff is." He glanced poignantly in Daniel's direction.
"O'Neill, I will greatly miss your presence at the SGC." The first words from their stoic friend all night showed how deeply he felt about Jack.
"Thanks Teal'c. I just thought it would be better if I got everything packed up, you know, so I can sort through everything."
"Sure Jack, if you need any help I'll be in my office ok?" Daniel was concerned for his friend and didn't want him doing anything stupid while he was packing his things up. While logically he knew that Jack was well past his suicidal days that occurred after Charlie died, he was still worried.
"Thanks Space Monkey, but I think I can handle this one on my own." Jack knew this was something he had to do in order to come to terms with the path that lay ahead of him. "What about lunch though? Maybe we could all eat in the commissary one last time and have a food fight?" Jack attempted a grin.
Choked laughter came from all around. It was the kind of laughter that turns into tears if left unchecked for too long. In order to avoid that Jack rose to his feet slowly, allowing Cassie to slide to the floor. The simple effort of getting up had become an arduous process of late.
"I'm an old man and I need my beauty rest and lord knows I'm not getting enough as it is without you guys making all this ruckus. I'll see you guys tomorrow ok? For lunch about thirteen hundred?" Nods came from all around. "Good, then it's settled. Good night to all and to all a good night." With that Jack did an about face and started the long climb up his stairs trying not to groan as he went.
@ @ @
Jack looked around his office. He had finished the last of the paperwork that was left in his bin around ten hundred, almost exactly three hours after he had come in that morning.
**Well,** he groused, **One good thing about dying is that there won't be any paperwork in Heaven, then again if I go the other way.**
Jack had spent a great deal of time lying awake last night thinking about destiny and fate, and he had come to the conclusion that it did no good to worry about it, because it was destiny and fate, there was no turning back. He also decided that he had long ago come to terms with his own death and possibly facing it, and now felt that he could joke about it, or at the very least accept it.
However he now found himself packing boxes full of his things in preparation for his own ultimate demise. While he had thought it a good idea at the time, he was now regretting his decision to brush Daniel off. He didn't want to cause his friend any pain but he needed support now even though he was too hardheaded to admit it. At first Jack had laughed at the idea of his death causing anyone pain because for so long both before and after Sarah there really hadn't been anyone that would have missed him if he died. But suddenly Jack came to the realization that he would feel great pain if he were to loose any of his team members, and that in the reverse case this was true also.
Yet now here he sat preparing for his death. It felt weird in some ways. Jack had always envisioned himself dying in battle. Not the blaze of glory that most soldiers saw but rather a simple death one that caused no pain. But Jack had been in enough pain throughout his life to realize that this was nearly impossible. But this. He had never in his entire life imagined this.
O'Neill had thought that if he didn't have cancer by the time he reached forty he was too old to get it. He had always hoped that the slow wasting away would never occur in his body. But he came face to face with the cold hard truth when he went to lift one of the two boxes that held the contents of his office. Where he had once been able to lift both boxes simultaneously he nearly fell over with the effort of lifting just one. Ashamed Jack sunk into his chair.
The man who sat solemnly in the empty office staring at two boxes as if they were the cause for everything evil was not the brash Colonel who had walked the halls of the SGC for nearly four years. Nor was he the hell bent suicidal man who had come to die just before the first mission into the unknown. No, this man was a shadow of both. The dark skin that had characterized him for many years had faded to unhealthy white showing that he had spent far too much time within the confines of walls in the past seven months. His physical stature had deteriorated now that he was barely able to hold the military posture that had been ingrained in him a lifetime ago in boot camp.
Yet even more noticeable was that his presence no longer filled a room. Even as a suicidal everyone knew he was in the room. The moment he stepped in there was no doubt that this was a man who had seen the world, and lived to tell, or in most cases not tell, the tale. He could silence a room with a glance and was able to command a group's outmost respect within a matter of moments. This is what had made Jack O'Neill. This is why no matter how smart his mouth was there was no denying him the top. But now in the last month of his life he had lost that and in doing so had lost what characterized him as a person, and what made him unique, an immovable object and an irresistible force.
@ @ @
The day that Colonel Jack O'Neill was buried the sky opened up and poured showing nature's displeasure.
The graveside ceremony was small, because there had been a separate one for the members of the SGC. However all of the team leaders had chosen to attend, along with the General, Janet and Cassie Fraiser, and the remainder of SG-1. Sara O'Neill had also chosen to attend the ceremony
Jack had deliberately chosen to be buried next to his son, and while on the headstone stated he was a member of the Air Force he had chosen, before his death, not to have a military burial.
The heartbroken group stood in front of the grave silently as the preacher spoke his words. Shortly after the preacher had concluded Daniel stepped to the front of the group. SG-1 had spoken before the ceremony and had decided together that it would be best if only one of them spoke.
"Jeez." Daniel said with tears in his eyes, though no one could tell for the rain that tumbled from the sky. "I was asked to speak on behalf of Jack's team. I wracked my brain for hours trying to think of the perfect words to describe him. But I couldn't there is no one word for him. You could try mysterious, sarcastic, dark, funny, tormented, and child-like.
"He was all of those things and more. He was a shoulder to lean on when things got rough, he was a mother hen and completely over protective," this last brought a sad smile to the members of the SGC. "He was a guy who could walk into a room and quiet it with a glance, and a man who would go to the wall and beyond for those that he cared about. He pushed himself harder than anyone I know.
"His cardinal rule was to never leave anyone behind, but I'm going to have to call him on that one, because he has left us all behind. He didn't do it on purpose, and I'm sure if he could have prevented it he would have, but even Jack O'Neill couldn't prevent God from doing his work."
Daniel slowly walked up to the grave and placed a single white rose on it. Sam and Teal'c repeated the movement with their own roses. Sara placed a red rose on the grave and whispered, "I will love you forever, but sometimes love isn't enough." Love was never enough to keep him close to her, and now there was nothing she or anyone else could do, there was no sarcophagus, there was no turning back; Jack was gone forever.
@ @ @
Daniel, Sam and Teal'c sat in an office that held no distinguishing traits. The walls held the requisite diplomas, and the desk held exactly three pens, a lamp and an ink blotter. The man behind the desk matched his surroundings. Medium build, medium colored brown hair and a plain gray suit.
"Hello, my name is Michael Smith, I was Jack's attorney. I would just like to settle a few matters. Jack dropped off this envelope for me shortly before he went up to his cabin in Minnesota. He told me to give this to you, a Mr. Daniel Jackson."
Daniel took the envelope but refrained from opening it.
"He also told me to, and I'm telling you exactly what he said, 'Give Danny-boy all my stuff, but make sure he shares his toys with Sam and Murray, and don't forget Doc and Cass.' He also told me that he had finished all his business with Sara and had given her what he wanted."
The team members were trying to hold back tears. It had sounded so much like Jack. They all wanted him back. Daniel shook his head and hoarsely asked "Is that all?"
"Yes, but make sure that you open your envelope."
His hands shaking Daniel broke the seal on the back of the envelope. It was a letter and they all took a deep breath when they recognized the familiar scrawl..
Danny, and hopefully Sam and "Murray"
Hey there guys, thought that you had gotten rid of me did ya? Well I'll have you know that I will be on every single mission with you. And I want you to keep it up. We have important work to do and there is no telling what might happen in the universe if you don't keep kicking snake ass, present company excluded of course.Sorry junior. Oh and Carter, that promotion you were looking for? Well lets just say that you got yourself a team and the option to hand pick the fourth member. Look guys I know that you're moping right now, I know I would if one of you guys kicked the bucket, but don't. The one thing I learned in life was that you pick up and keep going, otherwise how are you going to keep pissing people off? I want you guys to keep what you want of my stuff, and Danny just because I gave it all to you doesn't mean that you don't have to share, I just don't like all that legal mumbo-jumbo. What you guys don't want and don't give to Cassie and the General and the Doc, sell and give it to some charity or the SGC, hopefully it will be worth more than a bake sale. Donate all of Charlie's old stuff to charity OK? Now, I'm gonna ask you guys a favor I need the three of you to go up to my cabin in Minnesota. In fact make it a road trip, and there is zero room to say no, I'd make it an order but you guys never did listen to those. Love ya guys.
Jack
* * *
"So we're here what does he want?" Daniel said dropping his bags.
It had been a rather uneventful trip other than when Teal'c tried to drive, well at least he was getting better at it.
"I don't know," Sam replied hopelessly.
"Perhaps O'Neill wished us to open the envelopes which lay on the table." Teal'c said.
In Jack's familiar handwriting were three envelopes which had each of the member's names on them, and two big manila envelopes that had a notes on them, one with 'open me first' on it and the other with 'open me last' scrawled on the front.
The contents of the first was a letter.
Hey Guys, Look, I know that I dragged you guys out here. Well here is the reason, I want you guys to have this place. I know there aren't any fish up here, but it has always been a very calming place. You can see the stars perfectly from the roof, which now has its own platform, I renovated a while ago. I just want you guys to have some place to relax, come here when you need to get away from it all, or just find some peace in life. It was completely paid for by my grandfather so no worries on that account. I will well and truly miss you guys, and will hopefully be looking down at you because one experience in hell was quite enough for me.
Jack
Each member opened their respective letters. As they read them they realized that these were the thoughts that Jack wanted them to remember them by. When they looked up from the heart-felt letters there was not a dry eye in the room. Even stoic Teal'c trained in the art of controlling his feelings, could not contain his overwhelming sorrow at the words from his friend's letter, which seemed to echo in his ears.
Finally, after a long moment Daniel reached over and took the last envelope in his hands. The group was reluctant to open it though, they wanted to save this piece of their friend. Yet even gone, his presence dictated that they follow his wishes.
Enclosed was a note and three identical pictures.
The pictures showed a moment from some SGC celebration, but the event was not important. Someone had taken the picture in a moment when the team was unaware. They were sitting on a bench at one of the tables of the commissary. Daniel looked as if his arms were waving like he was trying to make a point. Next to him Sam's face was beaming triumphantly looking like she had won. On Daniel's other side was Teal'c guarding the group, yet there seemed to be a hint of a smile creeping into his face. And Jack sat next to Sam, but he faced the three so the camera only caught the one side of his face, but despite this the beaming smile on his face said it all. He looked like a father, watching over his kids.
The note that was enclosed stated: For my family. Being a part of this family has made me so proud and as long as we are a family I will have a reason to look over you and smile.
Sam, Daniel and Teal'c shared a teary smile.
"We'll be a family Jack," Daniel's voice could barely be heard. "Forever and always."
"Ahhh. Trees, trees, and more trees," stated Jack O'Neill, stepping onto a planet where a pale green sky dominated the air above, and to the north a blazing yellow sun could be seen rising over the oddly shaped purple hills.
The familiar comment elicited a smile from Sam.
"P3X9577," stated Daniel. "The ruins should be about a days walk that way." He pointed off to the west where the hills could be seen in the distance.
"Lead the way Danny-boy," Jack said, accompanied by a sweeping gesture of his hand.
* * *
By the time the team had reached the ruins the green sky had faded to dusk. They had set up camp despite the continuous protests coming from Daniel.
"Come on Jack! You said that I could look at them tonight."
"Correction Danny-boy, I said you could look at your rocks if there was enough light.which there isn't. At the rate that you end up in the infirmary we would be back home in ten minutes flat."
"But Jack."
"No way, no how, and absolutely no buts about it. YOU are staying put! You can have last watch though, that way you can look at them in the morning. But you better make sure that someone is up when you go out looking. If no one is I'll take a double shift, OK?"
"Fine," Daniel conceded, knowing he wouldn't get to look at his artifacts any sooner.
As it turned out Teal'c took first watch followed by Carter.
Sam walked into her CO's tent to wake him for his watch. "Sir, time to rise and shine."
Reluctantly O'Neill rolled out of his sleeping bag. When he looked at his Second he saw a look of shock forming on her face.
"Sir." she stammered.
"What is it Carter? Did I grow a third eye or something?" replied a confused Colonel.
"Sir, your nose," she choked out.
Jack immediately reached up to touch his nose. When he pulled his hand away it was sticky. "Shit," he said as he looked at his hand that now had flecks of blood on it. "It's alright Major. No biggie. It's just a nose bleed, go to bed."
"But Sir."
"Carter, I said I would be fine it's just a nose bleed. Now do I have to make that an order or will you go back to bed?"
"Yes Sir," she sighed as she reluctantly left to go back to her tent.
@ @ @
Four days later SG-1 left the campsite having found no inhabitants on a planet with no military value. As they walked they were weighed down by artifacts and soil samples, or as Jack liked to refer to them Daniel's rocks and Carter's rocks.
The nosebleeds had continued every night and Sam grew more and more worried about her CO and more importantly her friend.
Sam had told Daniel and Teal'c about the nosebleeds but neither had chosen to comment on the subject. Instead they worried in silence.
* * *
"SG-1, welcome home. I see that you are all intact."
"Yes Sir," replied O'Neill. "The mission was fine and I was bored out of my mind."
General Hammond smiled at his Second's reply, but had noticed how tense the team had been when O'Neill had answered. "Report to the infirmary for your physicals. We will debrief at 2200 hours."
"Home again, home again, jiggity jig." Jack stated with a smile, but did not follow the rest of his team to the infirmary. Instead he headed off to the locker room for a nice hot shower.
Shortly thereafter his clothes were on a pile on the floor and Jack was standing under the scalding hot water that massaged the aches of the mission out of his shoulders.
As he clambered out of the shower Jack felt much more relaxed than he had during the days of his mission. He had pulled on his pants and was starting to towel off his hair when Daniel and Teal'c came in.
"Janet wanted to see you. Sam told her about the nosebleeds," Daniel said in a timid voice. He was certain that his friend would blow up at this interruption, and invasion of his privacy.
"Oh for cryin' out loud! It is just a nosebleed! For Pete's sake!" ranted O'Neill.
"O'Neill, I am not familiar with this Pete to which you refer, but I believe it would be in your best interests if you were to report to Doctor Fraiser immediately," Teal'c stated matter of factly.
Jack left the room as Daniel attempted to explain that there was no Pete, but that it was another human saying. The last voice he caught was Tealc's "I do not understand this need for humans to refer to these obscure references." Jack just shook his head and made his way towards the infirmary.
@ @ @
Janet had just finished her examination of Jack. She went into command mode as the Colonel pulled his shirt over his head. "You have to tell your team."
"You can't make me tell them." Jack knew he sounded petty but he wanted to avoid the inevitable as long as humanly possible.
"No Sir, you're right, I can't, but you need to tell them for your sake as well as theirs," she replied, still irritated with his stubbornness.
"Come on Janet! It's nothing, just a couple of nose bleeds. They'll probably go away like last time." He wished she would cut him some slack and let him tell his team in his own time.
"Look Jack, there is no way to avoid it. It's getting worse. And you can't come up with any more excuses or justifications not to tell your team. On top of that you will have to explain why you can't go through the gate anymore, because I can't with a good conscience send you through that thing. I have no way of knowing how it is affecting your condition, in fact it might be the reason it is getting worse so quickly."
"Janet wait, come on. There has to be some thing that you can do! You can't stop letting me go through the gate."
The pleading and desperation in the Colonel's voice melted her heart. "I'm sorry Jack. There's nothing that I can do for you."
* * *
It was a completely silent as SG-1 accompanied by Doctor Fraiser sat in the debriefing room waiting for General Hammond's arrival.
Three-fourths of the team sat wondering why the scheduled debriefing had been pushed up so unexpectedly. Meanwhile both Jack and Janet had found interesting marks on the wall and were currently staring at them as if their lives depended on it.
When Hammond entered the room Sam stood and snapped to attention as per standard operating procedure. O'Neill seemed to completely miss the fact that his Commanding Officer had just walked into the room and continued to stare at an invisible mark on the wall. Janet was likewise oblivious.
Hammond cleared his throat, overlooking the breech in protocol. "I think that most of you are wondering why you are here. I know that this was to be a debriefing, but that has been changed. I am going to turn this one over to Doctor Fraiser's medical expertise for the time being."
This introduction pulled Janet away from her grim thoughts and straight into doctor mode.
Meanwhile Jack O'Neill attempted to sink far enough into his chair so that he would disappear.
Janet started her speech with a clinical detachment that would rival the best.
"It has come to my attention over the past months that the Colonel hasn't been feeling too well. We had it checked into, but couldn't find a cause at first, but taking into account Colonel's medical history, we had him tested for other illnesses. There is a nasopharyngeal mass located between the superior concha and the sphenoidal sinus. Colonel O'Neill has known about this for close to eight months. The location of the mass makes surgery impossible and all other forms of treatment problematical. We could try chemotherapy but I'm not sure of the results with this kind of tumor."
Three confused faces turned to their friend in astonishment. Daniel was the first to come out of his dazed state breaking the silence. "Meaning."
At this point Jack felt it necessary to lift his head from his hands and look his friend in the eye. With a detachment that matched Fraiser's and in a completely deadpan tone he stated, "Meaning, Danny-boy, that I have cancer and that tops I have about six months."
@ @ @
"Holy Hanna!" came Sam's nearly inaudible comment. "Sir." she stated her voice growing stronger, "Sir, what about the Tok'ra, maybe they can find a way to help." Before the words were out of her mouth she realized the ideas reception would not go over well. The Colonel was well known for his hatred of anything remotely like a Goa'uld but she didn't expect the outpour of anger that occurred.
"NO! No way! Not even if hell froze over. There is no way in anything I'm gonna have a Goddamned snake in my head! Those parasites are staying the hell away from me! I'd rather die without a second opinion in my head! There is no way any of you would put up with me if there were two ideas comin' out of my mouth at the same time. No way! None of that damned technology either, like those healing thingies. I am quite happy without a snakes help!"
Daniel's betrayed voice cut through anything else that O'Neill was going to say. "Why didn't you tell us, or are we not good enough for you? What the hell gives you the right to come in here and screw with our lives? You don't think this effects us!? Well it does. I'm sorry if you don't want our opinion but you should have told us. Jesus Jack, eight months!" The worry Daniel felt for his friend was masked so completely by the hurt at what he perceived as betrayal, that Daniel himself didn't even notice it.
"Danny."
"Don't Jack. Just don't." Daniel made a sweeping gesture with his hand to cut off his friend as he stalked out of the room.
* * *
Jack slid silently into his colleague's darkened office. It had taken a while to answer all the questions that Sam and Teal'c had for him. Now he was searching for his friend who had gone MIA over an hour ago.
At first Jack feared that Daniel had left the base. A quick call up to the guard station from the phone Hammond had let him borrow at his desk momentarily calmed Jack's fears. If Daniel hadn't left base then where was he? It was precisely these thoughts that led Jack to be standing in the middle of a darkened office. In particular the office of one errant archaeologist.
Jack was about to leave when he heard a sniffle from the corner of the room. "I thought you didn't like the dark."
"It seemed to fit the situation," came the muffled reply wrought with emotion.
"Come on Danny - - er um. Daniel. Come out of there."
"Why the hell should I!?" Betrayal was still evident in the shaking voice.
"Because I'm you're CO and I order you to come out." No reply. Time for a new approach.
The Colonel's voice softened. "And I'm your friend and I have a feeling of what you're going through and I know that you want to hit me so come out here and get it over with. I'm not gettin' any younger."
Silence.
"Danny, look, I know you want to come out of there and get off the cold floor. Doc would kill me if I let you sit there and you ended up with a cold or something."
"Why didn't you tell us?" The simple question, the soft quiet tone of voice, the way he slid out of the corner with his eyes red ringed and puffy from crying all tore at Jack's heart.
Jack walked over and plopped himself into Daniel's chair, which happened to be the only one clear of debris, as he flicked on the switch. "I really don't know."
"You'll have to do better than that," Daniel said scornfully as he wrapped his arms around his knees in a defensive posture as he pushed himself against the wall.
**At least he's not in the corner still. The wall isn't much better but at least it's progress,** Jack thought. "Truthfully I didn't think that the team needed the burden. I wanted things to stay normal. Ya know? I mean I knew I would have to tell you eventually but." Jack heaved a huge sigh. "I don't know. I guess what I really wanted to avoid was the looks."
This was like pulling teeth. If it had been anyone else they would have let their frustration show, but Daniel was patient and sincerely inquired, "What looks?"
"You know the looks. The ones that say 'he's a goner'. The ones that hold all the pity."
Daniel got up from the floor and smoothly slid five or six books off a chair and quickly occupied the vacant seat. He then looked into Jack's eyes and asked a question without words.
Jack dutifully answered. He never shied from duty no matter how distasteful. "The doctors had those looks after Iraq. But mostly it was when my dad was dying. Same thing cancer, but he had pancreatic cancer that spread throughout his body. Then there were the people who would come around and bring flowers and chocolates and looks filled with pity and even some had a sense of horror." Jacks hands started fiddling with one of the pens off of his friend's desk. "They wouldn't touch him. It was like they were afraid that it would spread to them. All they ever did was look at him with pity. The entire time all I wanted to do was scream that he didn't need their pity, he just needed them to be his friend like before he had gotten sick." Jack was now staring directly at the pen that his fingers deftly twirled, unable to make eye contact with his friend.
In the world of Jack O'Neill even his best friend was left out of the loop at some points. News of Jack's father's death shocked Daniel. He had always assumed that Mom and Dad O'Neill lived out somewhere in Illinois. "I didn't know that your father had cancer."
"Yeah, he was around thirty when he died. It's kinda a family trait. You know the O'Neill family. good looks, charm, great cooking, Irish luck, cancer." Jack reeled off with a crooked smile that didn't reach his eyes.
Daniel didn't smile back, but instead waited for his friend to continue. He knew that if he pushed his friend the walls would once again come up to protect his battered heart.
Jack continued on a more sober note this time. "My little brother, Patrick. Well, he had leukemia. He died when he was eight, and I was around ten. Both of my father's parents had forms of cancer. And my uncle on that side also died when I was thirteen."
Despite his own tragic history Daniel found himself wondering how anyone could survive in that environment. Constantly in fear of contracting a disease for which there was no cure and there was no way to prevent, completely surrounded by death. It gave Daniel an insight into O'Neill's need for control. If he could not control the disease that ravaged his family then that was where he probably derived his need to control everything else to an obsessive extent. "Jesus Jack. I'm so sorry."
The Colonel leapt from his chair knocking it over in the process. "That's what I'm talking about. The constant sorries, the pity. You didn't create the disease so why the hell are you apologizing for it. I don't need this shit. I just want things to be normal."
Now it was Daniel's turn to be outraged. Repeating Jack's maneuver Daniel stormed to his feet shouting as loud as he could. "Fine! You want to go on pretending that everything is normal. The way things used to be. Well then you are sorry out of luck! You and Sam and Teal'c are the only family that I have left. Why should I stand here as you waste away pretending that everything is normal!? I never got to say goodbye to my parents but I'm damn well going to get to say goodbye to you. You aren't the only one this affects, so you know what fuck you! If you're only going to be around for another six months then you are damn well gonna' spend time with us."
With that Daniel unexpectedly wrapped his friend into a huge hug. Tears streamed down the young man's face as the older man tried to comfort his friend, whispering to him consoling him. The tears blinded Daniel to the fact that he was not the only one in the room with tears in his eyes.
@ @ @
During the past three months everything had changed. Despite all of his best efforts to act normal word had spread around base. Now everywhere he went he got looks from people that clearly stated they were gauging his life span. On top of that his team had been smothering him. Jack O'Neill was quickly approaching the point where all he wanted to do was yell. It was well known on base that if you were a junior officer then it was best to steer clear of Jack O'Neill, he had a tendency to take his anger out on any hapless airman that crossed his path.
**I have got to get out of here.** He thought grimly to himself. **First things first, I'll have to tell Sarah.**
* * *
"Hey Sarah. I'm fine. Well technically I'm not but I'll be OK. Wait. No I won't. Jesus. I'm such an ass," Jack stated to the rearview mirror that hung on the front windshield of his car. He absentmindedly ran a hand through his silvery hair. For the life of him he couldn't figure out how to tell her what he needed to.
"Now or never O'Neill." With that remark he clambered out of his truck and walked up to the front door of the home that he used to belong to. He was now a guest here. **Strange how the world works,** he thought the moment before his hand reached up and rapped on the door.
He quickly ran his hand over the smooth leather and the hard wood that he held, insuring that both items remained in his hands.
"Jack," the all too familiar voice called out. The voice was somehow soothing though. "Come in, this is a surprise."
"Hey Sarah." Jack attempted to act casual and failed miserably. **Might as well get to the point.** "Can we talk?"
Sarah looked at her ex-husband. He looked somehow older and more worn as he stood in the entryway to her home. His eyes didn't seem to glow the way that she remembered. She noted the items in his hands and gestured towards the living room. "Have a seat on the couch. Would you like something to drink? I was just about to get something."
As he seated himself on the couch he looked up at her. "No, I'm fi. er. not thirsty. Thanks though." **I will not lie to her. Not this time, she deserves more from me.** He looked longingly at her figure retreating to the kitchen. **She always has.**
She reentered the room carrying a glass of iced tea for herself. "So," she began casually, "what brings you here?"
"Well, I wanted to give you these," he replied.
Sarah immediately knew something was wrong by the items that she now held in her hands. A baseball glove that would perhaps fit a nine-year-old child and a small wooden box with the initials SJ carved into it and intertwined.
"Jesus Jack! What's wrong?" She knew that these were the two sentimental items that he had taken from their home when she had left him. She had packed his things and left them waiting for him, but these were the two items that he had taken from their home on his own.
"I never was any good at keeping things from you was I?" He looked somberly at his lost love.
The old accusation flew from her mouth before she could control the reaction. "Yes you were. You kept plenty of secrets." She had the sense to look abashed at the guilt that flashed across his face.
"I'm really sorry for that. I would have told you but." The sentence dropped off with the words he couldn't bring himself to say. **My country came first.** It was one of the things that he had regretted, but was never ashamed of.
"What do you want Jack? You wouldn't come here without a reason." Sarah was still angry. He may not have said the words but she knew just the same that she took second seat to the government that had ruled his life.
"I'm serious. I didn't come here to reopen that stuff, and I'm sorry about that. I really just came to drop those things off. Irish luck has to wear off sometimes," he stated never glancing up from his hands, which rested in his lap as a somber smile lifted the corners of his mouth.
Now Sarah became genuinely worried about him. What could be wrong? He always joked about Irish luck. When it came to the O'Neill family he claimed that it never wore off. She quickly went through a mental checklist.
Sounds fine, but there was a hint of sorrow in his voice that she might have missed had it not been for the fact that she had to live with him. If you didn't know Jack O'Neill intimately or spent most of your life trying to decipher him then you would have missed it. She looked down at her dead son's glove for answers, and it suddenly hit her. "Cancer," she whispered, hoping against hope that her suspicion wasn't correct.
"Yeah." He looked up into her face searching her eyes for understanding. "I guess not all of the O'Neill genes are perfect," he stated with a small smile.
"I'm sorr." Jack looked up at her sharply and she remembered how much he hated the empty sorries and the pity so instead she simply told him, "Good luck."
The first genuine smile since he had walked into her home graced his face as he stood up. "Thank you. I guess this is goodbye." He glanced down at his feet.
Sarah took the initiative and reached up and hugged him fiercely. "Good bye Jack"
As she watched his back retreat down the path towards his car she came to a single conclusion as she wrapped her arms around herself for comfort. **Sometimes love isn't enough.** Never once had Jack O'Neill ever said good bye to her.
@ @ @
Jack had one more stop to make before he could go to his cabin.
He had made the drive out to the cemetery many times. He came out on holidays, and birthdays, and the anniversary of his son's death. Occasionally he came out when his life got to hectic, but he had a kind of determination in his eyes as he slowly walked towards the too small grave that held the mortal remains of his son.
"Hey Charlie, I just wanted to come and talk to you," the dark clouds that had been looming since the morning finally opened and rain began to fall, however O'Neill didn't notice. "I just went to see mom. She's fine I think, I don't know how well she'll be able to deal with what I'm about to tell you.
"Look, Charlie, I'm dying," he said it with one big breath as if it caused him pain just to say the words out loud. "I miss you Charlie, but I don't know if I'm done here. There are so many people that I care about here, and I'm finally at a place where I can almost be happy."
Jack stared at the words carved into the stone and laughed bitterly. "You know life is full of irony. I never told you this but right after you died I drank a lot. I wanted to kill myself. I know that it's my fault that you're gone, and I couldn't deal with it. But then I met Daniel. You know my friend that I told you about. You know what he told me. He told me that he didn't want to die, and then he had the nerve to ask me why I was in such a hurry to."
Jack took a deep breath and continued speaking to the gravestone as he laid two roses on the moist ground in front of it.
"For so long all I wanted to do was die so that maybe I could see you again. But I've made peace with some of my demons, and I don't think I'm ready to go now."
Jack's perverse sense of irony got the better of him. But the however the bitter laugh had started it quickly transformed. Despite all his efforts for the first time since his son died Jack O'Neill, a Colonel in the United States Air Force, broke down and cried.
@ @ @
The first thing Jack did when he reached his cabin was call the General. He briefly informed him that yes, he was alive, and no, he didn't need anyone to come out and see him. He then told the General that he would be unreachable. Jack had decided that the best course of action was to unplug his phone and call in once a week, otherwise there wouldn't be a point, and his team would have him on the phone all the time.
The General objected, but there was nothing short of going out to Minnesota that would change Jack O'Neill's mind so he relented and promised to inform O'Neill's team.
Jack hung up the phone and then promptly put his plan into action by pulling the phone jack from the wall. He then took a deep breath, and settled in for a month of peace and quiet.
* * *
As the voice on the other end of the line picked up Jack inquired, "General, Sir. How are you?"
"I'm good Jack. How about you? Have you been visiting the doctor in town?"
"Yes Sir. Every week twice a week for the chemo. And I'm fine Sir, just been a little tired lately." Jack quickly changed the topic from his health to other matters of importance. "Has the SGC been surviving without me?"
"Well, we're still here, so I guess we are. There are some people here that would like to talk to you."
"Better put Danny on first."
On the other end the General smiled as he surveyed the briefing table. **Definitely a good choice.** Teal'c sat impassive as ever and Carter was doodling, but Daniel was practically bouncing off of the walls. He wouldn't stop moving. **Definitely a good choice,** the General reiterated in his head.
"JACK!" Daniel exclaimed as soon as the phone was in his hands
"Easy there, Danny-boy. I would like to continue to have full hearing in both of my ears."
Daniel grinned sheepishly and continued on informing Jack of all of the recent going-ons of the SGC. By the time the phone had gotten to Teal'c there wasn't much left to say.
"I trust you are doing well, O'Neill."
Jack snorted. "I'm fine, Teal'c"
"Then I will see you at the conclusion of your vacation."
"Bye Teal'c."
The conversations that Jack had with his team continued on much the same way the entire month. With the exception of the week that his team came out to the cabin to see him. It was oddly comforting to the solider that his friends worried so much about him. He smiled at Daniel's enthusiasm every time he got on the phone.
It was odd the way that his team could be hundreds of miles away and still manage to hover though. They must have mastered the technique by the end of the month. **How to hover the most in a 5 minute phone conversation by SG-1.** Strangely though instead of being a nuisance as it was when others hovered, coming from his team he found the situation uniquely relaxing.
* * *
The month of recluse soon came to a close. All too soon O'Neill found himself back in the SCG and a victim of the looks he so despised. In fact due to the chemical therapy the looks increased in their pity, and frequency.
The chemicals that tried to fight the disease that raged within Jack's body were killing healthy cells along with cancerous ones. His face had become gaunt, and his eyes sunken. He had lost over 25 pounds in his one-month hiatus to Minnesota, and not all of it was fat. His muscle tone had been greatly reduced due to the fact that he was oversensitive and nauseous after many of the treatments, which left him unable to get up and move around.
The owner of a familiar voice came barreling around a corner in his excitement to see his friend. "JACK!!!!!!!!!!!!" Daniel looked at his friend. Despite the fact that the team had visited him two weeks ago he was astounded at the amount of weight Jack had lost, and the sunken appearance of his face.
"Hey Danny-boy, did ya miss me?" Jack inquired as he slung an overly bony arm around Daniel's shoulder as he continued his trek down the hall.
"You know that I did. Plus we found these really great artifacts that SG-8 brought back. At first I thought they were Aztec in origin, but I looked closer and."
**Damn it feels good to be home** Jack thought with a chuckle. **Errant archeologist and all.** The sound of Daniel's voice going off on another tangent soothed Jack's frayed nerves.
Later that day Jack had a similar reunion with Carter, but hers included some techno-babble about something he couldn't possibly comprehend. When he ran into Teal'c the Jaffa merely stated that his return was welcomed.
Once he had seen all of the members of his team he spent over an hour with General Hammond detailing the fish he caught.or rather didn't catch.
All in all his return to the SGC seemed promising despite his appearance. And for an entire day Jack was able to ignore the looks and forget that there was a problem, and enjoy a normal life, or whatever passed for normal with three teams coming back from off-world missions.
@ @ @
Jack's day of bliss came to a crashing halt when he visited Doctor Fraiser. She looked into his eyes to deliver the horrifying news.
"Look, Jack I'm sorry but the chemo is having a very minimal effect on the tumor. The cancer is progressing rapidly through your system. It's already starting to spread."
"Shit."
"Shit is putting it mildly. To tell you the truth I'm surprised you're still on your feet. The chemo has slowly been killing the healthy cells along with the cancerous ones, and seems to be doing more harm than good. And while the chemicals had been slowing down the tumor to a degree the tumor seems to be fighting back and has been spreading faster. In fact it's growing so fast that it's starting to increase the pressure in your cranium. Are you having any headaches?"
The Colonel nodded mutely.
"That's what I thought. Surgery won't work, so the only thing that we can do is give you something to ease the pain. That is unless you would like to think about using some of the Goa'uld technology."
Jack was still adamant about his decision. "No snakes."
**Damn. I guess I have to tell him then.** "In that case Jack don't be afraid if your vision becomes blurry. The location your tumor is expanding into is causing it to press on your optic nerve. There is a good chance that you may go completely blind."
"So I guess this means that I better watch a lot of hockey before I go blind huh," O'Neill stated with a smile that he didn't feel.
Janet was upset. She knew that his jokes were a defense mechanism, but she didn't think that he realized the severity of the situation. "Look Jack, cancer is serious. I don't think that you are accepting the fact that this will eventually kill you."
"You don't think that I realize the severity of this. Janet, have you even looked at my medical history?" He practically spat the words in her face.
"Yes, Jack. As a matter of fact I have. It is my job! I've read every detail, every single detail. None of the stuff you've done before has any bearing on the situation at hand."
"No Janet. Not my history; my family history. Jesus, have you ever even looked at it? How the hell can you think that I don't comprehend the situation?"
"Yes I've read it, that's why I had the extra tests done when you weren't feeling. Oh God Jack, I'm so sorry.I um. I.geeze.I'm so sorry." internally Janet was berating herself. How could that detail have slipped her mind? He had already lived through this disease. Hell he probably dealt with it more before he was out of high school than she ever would in her lifetime as a doctor.
"No Janet," his voice seemed to become quieter, begging her to understand," I don't need your apologies. I need you to realize that I'm not a moron, I know the way this thing works. Look," he said picking up his jacket in preparation for leaving, "just be there tonight. At my house. For dinner, and bring Cass. I haven't seen her in ages.you told her right?"
"Yeah Jack. I told her," Janet said with a heart-felt sigh remembering all the tears that had fallen that night, not all of them belonging to her daughter.
"Thanks Doc. I don't thing I could have done it." Jack's eyes had a distant look as he said the words, but they quickly came back into focus and the emotion of the moment was broken. "Just um.bring yourself and Cass and all is forgiven, OK?"
Janet seemed to have switched off her emotions as easily as the Colonel had. "Sure sir."
* * *
"Hey guys. Do you want to come over to my house for pizza and beer this evening?"
"Don't you think that Janet will be upset with you if you eat that kind of junk food?" inquired Daniel.
"She's comin' too, and she's not gonna have any say over the matter because it's my house and I haven't had a pizza or a beer in who knows how long. Come on guys you know you want to." Jack grinned, but with his new gaunt appearance it looked more horrifying than anything.
"Sure Sir, I guess I'll come. What harm could it do, and I can't wait to see what Janet says when you order the pizza." Sam replied with enthusiasm.
"Yeah count me in too," agreed Daniel.
"I will endeavor to arrive if it is possible that I may procure a ride."
"Sure Teal'c no problem. I can take you home with me, and you can order the pizza, but this time try not to scare the guy."
Daniel, Sam and Jack all laughed as they remembered the last time Teal'c had tried to order pizza. He had scared the man on the other end of the phone by threatening him because he felt the prices were too high. Finally Jack had to get on the phone and calm the poor kid down. Well they had ended up with a free pizza.
"I do not recollect what was amusing about my attempt to purchase a pizza."
This only started the laughter up again. "What ever you say Teal'c. What ever you say," the Colonel said between fits of laughter.
@ @ @
Sam and Daniel pulled into Jack's driveway next to the pizza guy.
"I'll take that," Daniel said as he gracefully swapped two large pizzas for a fist full of money. The stunned pizza delivery person just nodded.
Sam opened the door to the Colonel's home and yelled into the living room, "Pizza's here."
"Feel free to dig in. The beer is in the fridge," Jack said, as he remained firmly planted in his chair.
Daniel was in the middle of asking after Jack's appointment with Doctor Fraiser when she walked through the door followed closely by Cassie.
"HEY!!!!!!! Colonel Jack!!!!!!!" An exuberant Cassie launched herself from the front door into his lap. He received her with a loud "Umph."
"Hey kiddo what'cha up to."
"Well. there's this really cute boy at school and his name is Timmy."
"Boy! Where!? Let me at 'em. You should bring him over here and let me have a firm talk with him. Hey aren't you too young to be thinking about boys anyways?"
Cassie burst out in a fit of giggles at the thought of her Colonel Jack having a firm talking to with any of the guys she liked. She would have to remember not to tell him where they lived, because she had no doubt in her mind that Jack actually would scare them off.
"Colonel Jack, I'll have you know that I am plenty old enough to have a boyfriend," she said it with mock indignation. "In fact I've already had one boyfriend."
Jack raised an eyebrow at Janet who only nodded in return. "Well in that case. we need to have a little talk about boys."
"Colonel Jack," Cassie said in hushed tones, "mom already gave me the birds and the bees talk."
Jack's laughter lit up the room and a genuine smile crossed his face. "Not that talk. The one where I tell you that all boys are bad, and if they give you any lip you send them to me and I'll have that talk with them."
"No problem. I'll remember that."
"Ahem," Janet gave Jack a look.
"What's wrong with me telling her to stay away from guys?" Jack asked innocently.
"Absolutely nothing. In fact you should tell her things like that more often. You should have seen the boy she brought home last time he had all these piercings and you should have seen the color of his hair."
"MOM!!!!" Cassie nearly took out Jack's hearing in one fell swoop as she leapt up intending to silence her mother before she embarrassed her any further.
"Sorry honey," Janet replied to her daughter with a look and a tone that suggested she was anything but sorry. "What I was upset about was the beer that you seem to be holding in your hand."
"What beer?" Jack answered her with a grin as he drank the last two gulps from the bottle he held. "I'm innocent Doc, I swear. Daniel made me do it."
"What!" Daniel nearly yelled from the corner "How did I get into this argument?"
"Well, it's extra big needles for both of you the next time you go off-world."
This thought immediately sobered the group.
"Mom, isn't there anything you can do to help Colonel Jack out?" Cassie inquired innocently.
"I'm sorry honey, there isn't anything." Fraiser looked down as tears started to form in her eyes. "The chemo isn't having much affect on the tumor. We will probably just stop the treatment all together. All it's doing is making him weaker."
"Hey. 'him' is in the room." Jack said, but was ignored by the doctor.
Janet leaned so she was eye to eye with her adopted daughter. "Honey the tumor is in a place where the doctors can't get to it, there is no way that we could do any sort of surgery or laser work without permanently hurting Jack."
"But Mom, I don't want Colonel Jack to die, he's like my second dad." Tears were now clearly visible in the young girl's eyes. "Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the reason everyone died. Maybe I'm why Colonel Jack is sick."
Janet Fraiser looked lost. She had no idea how to reassure her daughter that none of this was her fault and that sometimes bad things happen to good people.
Jack O'Neill however, a self-proclaimed hard ass and decidedly horrible at displaying emotions, knew exactly what to do. He silently scooped Cassie into his lap and let her cry on his shoulder. He sat like that for five minutes until he sighed and stated, "I think I'm going to go into the SGC tomorrow and clean out my locker and just spend the rest of the day hanging out at the base. Tomorrow will probably be my last day on base."
Daniel, Sam, and Janet wore identical horrified expressions on their faces, while Teal'c raised a single eyebrow so high, Jack could have sworn it wasn't attached anymore. Cassie simply looked up at her father figure and stared disbelievingly into his eyes. None of his friends, or rather family as he now considered them, could deal with the idea that Jack wouldn't be coming back to the SGC, and that his things would be missing from the base.
"Come on guys, you didn't think that I'd make you clean out all of my stuff. I've done that one too many times, I know how hard that stuff is." He glanced poignantly in Daniel's direction.
"O'Neill, I will greatly miss your presence at the SGC." The first words from their stoic friend all night showed how deeply he felt about Jack.
"Thanks Teal'c. I just thought it would be better if I got everything packed up, you know, so I can sort through everything."
"Sure Jack, if you need any help I'll be in my office ok?" Daniel was concerned for his friend and didn't want him doing anything stupid while he was packing his things up. While logically he knew that Jack was well past his suicidal days that occurred after Charlie died, he was still worried.
"Thanks Space Monkey, but I think I can handle this one on my own." Jack knew this was something he had to do in order to come to terms with the path that lay ahead of him. "What about lunch though? Maybe we could all eat in the commissary one last time and have a food fight?" Jack attempted a grin.
Choked laughter came from all around. It was the kind of laughter that turns into tears if left unchecked for too long. In order to avoid that Jack rose to his feet slowly, allowing Cassie to slide to the floor. The simple effort of getting up had become an arduous process of late.
"I'm an old man and I need my beauty rest and lord knows I'm not getting enough as it is without you guys making all this ruckus. I'll see you guys tomorrow ok? For lunch about thirteen hundred?" Nods came from all around. "Good, then it's settled. Good night to all and to all a good night." With that Jack did an about face and started the long climb up his stairs trying not to groan as he went.
@ @ @
Jack looked around his office. He had finished the last of the paperwork that was left in his bin around ten hundred, almost exactly three hours after he had come in that morning.
**Well,** he groused, **One good thing about dying is that there won't be any paperwork in Heaven, then again if I go the other way.**
Jack had spent a great deal of time lying awake last night thinking about destiny and fate, and he had come to the conclusion that it did no good to worry about it, because it was destiny and fate, there was no turning back. He also decided that he had long ago come to terms with his own death and possibly facing it, and now felt that he could joke about it, or at the very least accept it.
However he now found himself packing boxes full of his things in preparation for his own ultimate demise. While he had thought it a good idea at the time, he was now regretting his decision to brush Daniel off. He didn't want to cause his friend any pain but he needed support now even though he was too hardheaded to admit it. At first Jack had laughed at the idea of his death causing anyone pain because for so long both before and after Sarah there really hadn't been anyone that would have missed him if he died. But suddenly Jack came to the realization that he would feel great pain if he were to loose any of his team members, and that in the reverse case this was true also.
Yet now here he sat preparing for his death. It felt weird in some ways. Jack had always envisioned himself dying in battle. Not the blaze of glory that most soldiers saw but rather a simple death one that caused no pain. But Jack had been in enough pain throughout his life to realize that this was nearly impossible. But this. He had never in his entire life imagined this.
O'Neill had thought that if he didn't have cancer by the time he reached forty he was too old to get it. He had always hoped that the slow wasting away would never occur in his body. But he came face to face with the cold hard truth when he went to lift one of the two boxes that held the contents of his office. Where he had once been able to lift both boxes simultaneously he nearly fell over with the effort of lifting just one. Ashamed Jack sunk into his chair.
The man who sat solemnly in the empty office staring at two boxes as if they were the cause for everything evil was not the brash Colonel who had walked the halls of the SGC for nearly four years. Nor was he the hell bent suicidal man who had come to die just before the first mission into the unknown. No, this man was a shadow of both. The dark skin that had characterized him for many years had faded to unhealthy white showing that he had spent far too much time within the confines of walls in the past seven months. His physical stature had deteriorated now that he was barely able to hold the military posture that had been ingrained in him a lifetime ago in boot camp.
Yet even more noticeable was that his presence no longer filled a room. Even as a suicidal everyone knew he was in the room. The moment he stepped in there was no doubt that this was a man who had seen the world, and lived to tell, or in most cases not tell, the tale. He could silence a room with a glance and was able to command a group's outmost respect within a matter of moments. This is what had made Jack O'Neill. This is why no matter how smart his mouth was there was no denying him the top. But now in the last month of his life he had lost that and in doing so had lost what characterized him as a person, and what made him unique, an immovable object and an irresistible force.
@ @ @
The day that Colonel Jack O'Neill was buried the sky opened up and poured showing nature's displeasure.
The graveside ceremony was small, because there had been a separate one for the members of the SGC. However all of the team leaders had chosen to attend, along with the General, Janet and Cassie Fraiser, and the remainder of SG-1. Sara O'Neill had also chosen to attend the ceremony
Jack had deliberately chosen to be buried next to his son, and while on the headstone stated he was a member of the Air Force he had chosen, before his death, not to have a military burial.
The heartbroken group stood in front of the grave silently as the preacher spoke his words. Shortly after the preacher had concluded Daniel stepped to the front of the group. SG-1 had spoken before the ceremony and had decided together that it would be best if only one of them spoke.
"Jeez." Daniel said with tears in his eyes, though no one could tell for the rain that tumbled from the sky. "I was asked to speak on behalf of Jack's team. I wracked my brain for hours trying to think of the perfect words to describe him. But I couldn't there is no one word for him. You could try mysterious, sarcastic, dark, funny, tormented, and child-like.
"He was all of those things and more. He was a shoulder to lean on when things got rough, he was a mother hen and completely over protective," this last brought a sad smile to the members of the SGC. "He was a guy who could walk into a room and quiet it with a glance, and a man who would go to the wall and beyond for those that he cared about. He pushed himself harder than anyone I know.
"His cardinal rule was to never leave anyone behind, but I'm going to have to call him on that one, because he has left us all behind. He didn't do it on purpose, and I'm sure if he could have prevented it he would have, but even Jack O'Neill couldn't prevent God from doing his work."
Daniel slowly walked up to the grave and placed a single white rose on it. Sam and Teal'c repeated the movement with their own roses. Sara placed a red rose on the grave and whispered, "I will love you forever, but sometimes love isn't enough." Love was never enough to keep him close to her, and now there was nothing she or anyone else could do, there was no sarcophagus, there was no turning back; Jack was gone forever.
@ @ @
Daniel, Sam and Teal'c sat in an office that held no distinguishing traits. The walls held the requisite diplomas, and the desk held exactly three pens, a lamp and an ink blotter. The man behind the desk matched his surroundings. Medium build, medium colored brown hair and a plain gray suit.
"Hello, my name is Michael Smith, I was Jack's attorney. I would just like to settle a few matters. Jack dropped off this envelope for me shortly before he went up to his cabin in Minnesota. He told me to give this to you, a Mr. Daniel Jackson."
Daniel took the envelope but refrained from opening it.
"He also told me to, and I'm telling you exactly what he said, 'Give Danny-boy all my stuff, but make sure he shares his toys with Sam and Murray, and don't forget Doc and Cass.' He also told me that he had finished all his business with Sara and had given her what he wanted."
The team members were trying to hold back tears. It had sounded so much like Jack. They all wanted him back. Daniel shook his head and hoarsely asked "Is that all?"
"Yes, but make sure that you open your envelope."
His hands shaking Daniel broke the seal on the back of the envelope. It was a letter and they all took a deep breath when they recognized the familiar scrawl..
Danny, and hopefully Sam and "Murray"
Hey there guys, thought that you had gotten rid of me did ya? Well I'll have you know that I will be on every single mission with you. And I want you to keep it up. We have important work to do and there is no telling what might happen in the universe if you don't keep kicking snake ass, present company excluded of course.Sorry junior. Oh and Carter, that promotion you were looking for? Well lets just say that you got yourself a team and the option to hand pick the fourth member. Look guys I know that you're moping right now, I know I would if one of you guys kicked the bucket, but don't. The one thing I learned in life was that you pick up and keep going, otherwise how are you going to keep pissing people off? I want you guys to keep what you want of my stuff, and Danny just because I gave it all to you doesn't mean that you don't have to share, I just don't like all that legal mumbo-jumbo. What you guys don't want and don't give to Cassie and the General and the Doc, sell and give it to some charity or the SGC, hopefully it will be worth more than a bake sale. Donate all of Charlie's old stuff to charity OK? Now, I'm gonna ask you guys a favor I need the three of you to go up to my cabin in Minnesota. In fact make it a road trip, and there is zero room to say no, I'd make it an order but you guys never did listen to those. Love ya guys.
Jack
* * *
"So we're here what does he want?" Daniel said dropping his bags.
It had been a rather uneventful trip other than when Teal'c tried to drive, well at least he was getting better at it.
"I don't know," Sam replied hopelessly.
"Perhaps O'Neill wished us to open the envelopes which lay on the table." Teal'c said.
In Jack's familiar handwriting were three envelopes which had each of the member's names on them, and two big manila envelopes that had a notes on them, one with 'open me first' on it and the other with 'open me last' scrawled on the front.
The contents of the first was a letter.
Hey Guys, Look, I know that I dragged you guys out here. Well here is the reason, I want you guys to have this place. I know there aren't any fish up here, but it has always been a very calming place. You can see the stars perfectly from the roof, which now has its own platform, I renovated a while ago. I just want you guys to have some place to relax, come here when you need to get away from it all, or just find some peace in life. It was completely paid for by my grandfather so no worries on that account. I will well and truly miss you guys, and will hopefully be looking down at you because one experience in hell was quite enough for me.
Jack
Each member opened their respective letters. As they read them they realized that these were the thoughts that Jack wanted them to remember them by. When they looked up from the heart-felt letters there was not a dry eye in the room. Even stoic Teal'c trained in the art of controlling his feelings, could not contain his overwhelming sorrow at the words from his friend's letter, which seemed to echo in his ears.
Finally, after a long moment Daniel reached over and took the last envelope in his hands. The group was reluctant to open it though, they wanted to save this piece of their friend. Yet even gone, his presence dictated that they follow his wishes.
Enclosed was a note and three identical pictures.
The pictures showed a moment from some SGC celebration, but the event was not important. Someone had taken the picture in a moment when the team was unaware. They were sitting on a bench at one of the tables of the commissary. Daniel looked as if his arms were waving like he was trying to make a point. Next to him Sam's face was beaming triumphantly looking like she had won. On Daniel's other side was Teal'c guarding the group, yet there seemed to be a hint of a smile creeping into his face. And Jack sat next to Sam, but he faced the three so the camera only caught the one side of his face, but despite this the beaming smile on his face said it all. He looked like a father, watching over his kids.
The note that was enclosed stated: For my family. Being a part of this family has made me so proud and as long as we are a family I will have a reason to look over you and smile.
Sam, Daniel and Teal'c shared a teary smile.
"We'll be a family Jack," Daniel's voice could barely be heard. "Forever and always."