The hum of a lightsaber, the scream of a girl, a brush of his son's cheek, and then falling. Endless, soundless falling. He has lost consciousness before he even reaches the end, only to be destroyed by a powerful explosion minutes later. That is when I know he is gone. That is when I know the loss of his presence isn't my imagination.
I am on my knees before I can even process what I have been shown. The images are blurry, and I do not believe I truly saw the scene play out, but I just know. A terrible knowledge, so certain that I cannot make myself doubt it for a moment. I know what I feel is no illusion, and I know that I truly want to stand beside the man I so desperately want to be alive.
Why must things be this way? It is impossible to describe how much I desire for this to all be a horrible dream. I only wish to awake to my lovely sister's touch, and my dear friend's smirk. I have never wanted something so badly, and I have never felt so truly and utterly alone. Yes, why can this not be a dream?
However, it is not a dream. The moist morning grass I clutch with my real, and mechanical, fingers, and this terrible aching pain in my heart is real. I cannot wake up from this nightmare of a life I lead, although I so desperately wish I could do so. This agony reaching out from the depths of my soul will not die away, and I know that it never will. I am going to suffer this way forever.
Ben... Why would you do this? Why did you do this to him? He tried to help you, my dear nephew, I felt it! I do not understand why you resented him so! Your mother and father loved you so much, and yet you cause them so much pain. I just cannot understand what has drawn you down such a path. Ben... Why did you do it, Ben? Why did you kill him?
Why did you kill my best friend?
I want to be furious with Ben, but I know I am not. I love him dearly. He is my wonderful nephew, and Ben Solo would never lay a hand on his father in the wrong way. No, Ben is gone. He is consumed by Kylo Ren. I suppose that adds to the list of people I have lost. However, if it is not Ben that is to blame for all of this, then who is to blame? Well, I guess that leaves only one person... Me.
Yes, this is all my fault. I could not be the Jedi the galaxy needed me to be. I couldn't raise a knew generation of Jedi. I couldn't even protect my nephew from the Dark Side! If only I had been a better teacher. If only I wasn't such a failure. Perhaps then Ben wouldn't have turned to the Dark Side. The Hosnian System might not have been destroyed, killing so many innocent beings. Maybe Han would not be dead...
Han is dead.
The thought causes warm tears to fill my eyes, only to flow down my cheeks and drip onto my ragged sleeves. My friend is dead. All because of me. Why did I leave after Ben turned? Why did I run away like a coward? I should have stayed! I should have tried harder to turn him back to the light! What kind of uncle am I? What kind of friend am I? What kind of Jedi am I?
Stupid stupid stupid.
The galaxy is in turmoil. Honestly, did I really believe I could create a new generation of Jedi? I am a mere farm boy from Tatooine! I couldn't save Ben or Han or Obi-Wan or Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen... I cannot save anyone! A whole system full of people are dead. All because of me...
Stupid stupid stupid.
Why did Obi-Wan trust me to save the galaxy? Why not Leia? She was much more mature than me! She is a wonderful leader. Surely things would be different had she been entrusted with the galaxy. I am a terrible Jedi. I should have been better. I should have been so much better...
Stupid Stupid...
I am so sorry, father. I failed you. I failed Obi-Wan. I failed Yoda... I failed everyone. Because of me, Ben is on the Dark Side. Because of me, the Hosnian System is gone. The First Order rules. Millions of lifeforms are suffering. Because of me, Han is dead.
Han. My best friend... He's gone. "Han..." I whimper hoarsely, more tears falling into my beard. I collapse on all fours, sobbing into the dew-covered grass. "Haaaaaannnnn... H-Haaann... I-I-I'm so s-sorry... I'm so sorry, Han!" I want to scream. I think I do scream. I cry out to my friend, begging him for forgiveness. I beg that he forgive me for failing his son, and I just apologize over and over again.
I apologize to Obi-Wan, and I apologize to Yoda. I apologize to my father, mother, sister, and everyone else I have failed. I am truly sorry, and I am truly alone. I eventually stand and wipe my eyes, thinking about how I am far too old to be crying like a small child. Honestly, though, I don't care anymore. This may be the most unJedi-like thing I have ever done, but since when was I a good Jedi?
I stare out toward the ocean, watching the waves roll in and out. My eyes are still red from crying, and suddenly, I feel much older than I already am. My mind is still on Han when I feel a familiar presence approaching, and I realize that today is my last day being alone on this island. But really, I'll still be alone, even when this person arrives.
I'll still be a failure.