Random Circumstances
Oh dear Lord, what do I do now? Am I even reading this thing right? This cannot be happening...not now and not to me. We've always been so careful...except... It had been their second night there. Looking back, she was surprised it took that long. Sex was always something that they were especially good at together. The night was hot, sultry and Jake insisted on giving her a back rub after they had spent all that time that afternoon hiking. She remembered the way his hands felt moving over her back, leaving a trail of fire wherever they went. When his lips joined them, she was already lost and knew it. Before either of them knew it they were too far gone to stop and neither had come prepared.
"Antigua, Antigua, Antigua."Calleigh leaned back against her bathroom wall and tried to concentrate on keeping her breathing even and steady instead of giving in to the the panic that beat at her mind. "Ok, ok, keep it together. This thing can be wrong. I've never peed on a stick before so...Oh who am I kidding? I'm such an idiot. I thought I was late because of stress. It's not like I've ever been regular. Yeah, and when does the flu last almost a month?"
As calmly and normally as she could, she finished readying herself for the day. She tried to push her discovery from her mind, but her body wouldn't let her. Her third trip to the bathroom prompted her to call her doctor and make an emergency appointment. Horatio would let her off for an hour or two. He'd voiced his concern over her apparent run of ill health in the last few weeks and would be more than understanding if she told him she had a doctor's appointment. She just wished she could ask someone to go along.
She and Jake ended their relationship for real shortly after they made it public. It was just too hard to run around behind the department's back and the professional ramifications for the both of them were severe enough to force them to end it for real. There was no way she could ask him to be moral support, let alone try to tell him what the stick told her.
Forcing herself to concentrate on other things, she headed into the lab and straight to Horatio's office.
"Horatio, can I ask a favor?" she said, sticking her head in the door.
He looked up from the report he was reading. She looked tired and drawn again. His concern for her health went up yet another notch. "Is everything ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just have an appointment at ten and need to have an hour or so off," Calleigh said, trying to avoid his gaze.
"I'm hoping it's a doctor's appointment," he said. Before she could protest, he continued. "Calleigh, you haven't been well in nearly a month. You've been tired and pale and I know you've been sick to your stomach. Lately every time I look for you, you're in the Ladies'. I've been worried about you and I think you need to see a doctor and find out what you've picked up. I'm not the only one around here that's concerned about you."
"It is. I'm sorry that everyone is so concerned, but y'all have to remember that I'm a big girl here and I can take care of myself," Calleigh said defensively.
Horatio stood and approached her, stopping within an arms length. "That's another thing that's not like you, Calleigh; this defensiveness. I'm just glad you're going to the doctor. I want to know what he or she says not just as your boss, but as your friend."
"If it's anything serious, I'll tell you," she promised. Yeah, guess what, Horatio. I'm pregnant; is that serious enough for you? Oh dear God, what am I going to do? "Thanks for letting me have a little time off."
Horatio watched her walk away, worry digging in deeper. He knew he saw something in her eyes that was entirely foreign and he didn't like seeing there. She was afraid.
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She drove back to the lab in silence, fear gnawing her insides. She knew she needed to eat something, but she was terrified that it would come right back up. Doctor Golden said she's call as soon as she had the results and it would only take a couple of hours...but how was she supposed to function for those couple of hours? Could the home test have been wrong? Could it have been right? Dr. Golden even did a pelvic exam and said she thought she saw something.
Returning to the lab she found that there were no blissfully grizzly crime scenes for her to process and a ton and a half of paperwork for her to do. She carefully avoided her teammates as she made her way to her office. Calleigh didn't need to see the concern or want to answer the unwanted questions. Seating herself behind her desk, she reached for the first folder and began to read.
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It was the ringing that woke her. That and the stiff neck she developed. She reached for her cell.
"Duquesne," she said crisply.
"Calleigh, it's Dr. Golden. The test came back positive. According to the pelvic exam I performed, you're about ten weeks along..."
The rest of what Dr. Golden said was lost in the buzzing in Calleigh's head. She remembered responding and then hanging up. Confusion took over and her mind began babbling all manner of nonsense. A sense of fight or flight took over, but that, too was nonsense. How could she fight or flee her own body? She put her head in her hands.
"Calleigh?" a familiar male voice asked in concern.
Oh no, not Eric. Why does it have to be Eric right now? Why can't it be Natalia or Ryan or even Valera? I can't do this right now. She wiped at the tears staining her cheeks and looked up. She kept her voice as steady as she possibly could. "What do you need, Eric?"
Eric stepped into Calleigh's office and shut the door, cutting them off both visually and aurally from the rest of the lab. "What's wrong?"
"Why would anything be wrong? I'm fine," she lied.
Eric could feel his annoyance building. Why do you have to be so damn stubborn? There may be a virtue in being one hell of a steel magnolia, but this is ridiculous. "No, you're not. Calleigh, you haven't been fine in weeks. You won't talk to anybody and now I know you've been crying. You say you trust me with every fiber of your being. Put up or shut up. Tell me what's wrong. Talk to me."
He went around to her side of the desk, spun her chair to face him and squat in front of her. "Regardless of this thing between you and Jake, I still care about you. I'm not going to let ten years of friendship go up in a puff of smoke. Calleigh, please talk to me."
"Nothing is wrong. I'm not sick. The doctor just called with my test results and I'm perfectly healthy." Calleigh said, trying to avoid his eyes.
"Then why were you crying?" Eric demanded. He grabbed both of her hands. "Tell me. It has to be something serious to get you to cry."
Calleigh took a deep breath and blurted, "Because I'm scared out of my mind. I'm pregnant and it's Jake's and since we broke up I'm really alone in this and I have no idea what I'm going to do. Satisfied?" She promptly broke down in tears.
Without thought he stood and pulled her to him and held her as she cried. He didn't say anything other than making soothing sounds. He was still trying to wrap his mind around what she had said. Jealousy toward Jake, that she should be carrying his child, surged through him and he quickly squashed it. It wasn't the time to feel that. What's done was done and she needed him at the moment to just support her. He remembered Natalia's little scare a few years back and the feelings of panic he had knowing that he was potentially going to be a father and the relief that washed over him when he found out he wasn't. Calleigh had to be feeling very much like that at the moment and there would be no wave of relief for her. She was stuck with it; trapped in it and unlike a male, she had to bear the full weight of the physical consequences of her actions. There would be no keeping it secret for very long.
"How far along?" he asked softly, hugging her tighter to help to still her sobbing.
"Ten weeks," she replied, pulling away and wiping her reddened eyes. "It's overwhelming and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I mean, decisions have to be made and I don't have much time to make them."
"You're not thinking of-"
"Eric, I have no idea what I'm thinking of right now. I can't even think straight. I don't want to say anything to anyone just yet; not until I get a handle on it, myself." She stood and paced the room. "If circumstances were different; if I were already married...if that stupid pending rule didn't exist...I don't know if I can handle this."
"You're not handling it alone. Whatever your choice, I'll be there for you. If you want to have it, I'll be right there in the delivery room if you want me. If you choose to end it, I'll go with you," Eric said tenderly.
Calleigh was stunned by his supportiveness. This child isn't even his. Child. C-h-i-l-d. Oh, here we go again, I'm going to have a baby. This is not good. "Eric, I can't ask that of you."
"You're not asking; I'm giving." Eric said as both of their pager suddenly went off. "I'm serious, Calleigh. Don't think I'm not."
Feeling remarkably steadier, Calleigh said, "Thank you, Eric. Can you tell Horatio I've stopped in the Ladies and I'll be right there? I want to clean up a bit. We have a crime scene to process."
Eric kept his eye on Calleigh for the next several days. They'd find quiet moments, when traveling to and from a crime scene or grabbing a quick meal while out, to discuss what was going on with her and if she had made a decision yet. He was always gentle and supportive and had taken to stocking the Hummer they normally signed out with crackers and a couple of bottles of water. No one had thought it odd and, in fact, Ryan and Natalia had thought it was brilliant and put some in the Hummers they normally signed out. You never knew how long you'd be at a crime scene and when you'd be able to grab a meal.
One week wound it's way to two and two was rapidly becoming three when they were called out to another crime scene. Eric automatically handed Calleigh the crackers before they even buckled up. "Eat now and avoid the rush."
She accepted the salty food. "Thanks. You know, if I keep eating like this...My pants are already getting a little snug. I'm surprised no one has made a comment to me about putting on weight. It's not like you can't see that some things have, uhm, changed."
"Calleigh-"
"I'm telling Jake this weekend. We're both off and I told him that we needed to have a little talk about things," she said, crunching a cracker. She wiggled in her seat a little, trying to find a more comfortable position. "I still haven't made any decisions yet, but half the it's DNA is Jake's and I think he needs to know."
"That's good but you have to decide soon. If you're going to have it, you have to tell H. You work around chemicals and-"
"Eric, that's enough," Calleigh said sharply. Her tone softened. "Please."
Eric spared a glance at her. "I'm sorry. I'm just concerned about you, that's all. Are you ok?"
She sighed. "I know you are. Ok, my back hurts a little. I think I slept funny. A couple of days ago I was spotting, but I called my doctor and she said that it was normal and would last a couple of days and not to worry but to come in if it got worse. It hasn't so I'm not."
"Ok. I just want you to take care of yourself," Eric said gently as they pulled up at the crime scene.
They got out of the vehicle and got to work processing the scene. It was apparently a case of vehicular homicide, the victim tossed like a rag doll. Alexx processed the victim, a woman in her early 20's, while Eric took the abandoned murder weapon and Calleigh the tire treads.
As she processed she became aware that her back ache was slowly becoming worse and had now begun to wrap around her front. Finishing snapping pictures, Calleigh stood. A sharp pain lanced through her abdomen, dropping her back to one knee. She breathed deeply to ride it out. Something was definitely wrong. Cautiously she stood and walked to Eric.
"Eric, I have to go; somethings wrong." It amazed Calleigh how steady her voice was at the moment.
His head snapped up. "With the-"
"Uh-huh."
"Do you want me to take you to the emergency room?" he asked softly, already stowing the contents of his kit. He glanced at Alexx. "She's not going to believe us if we say we're done. We haven't been here long enough."
"Leave that to me." Calleigh held onto his arm as another sharp pain coursed through her. She leaned on him for support until the pain died away. She allowed the natural nausea that accompanied the pain to overwhelm her and she vomited in the bushes, making certain that Alexx saw and heard. "Alexx, I'm feeling really bad. I need Eric to take me home. We'll call in and let Horatio know he needs to send Ryan and Natalia."
"I thought you looked a little under the weather again, baby. Do you need me to stop by after work?" Alexx asked kindly.
"No, you don't have to. I'll be fine," Calleigh said as they quickly made their way to the Hummer.
"Emergency room?" Eric asked.
Calleigh shook her head. "No, take me to my doctor's office. I'll call her and let her know we're coming."
The ride wasn't terribly long, especially with Eric using the lights and siren to speed things along. He still believed that Calleigh was better off going to the hospital, but he was not about to push her into anything. Her doctor could decide.
They pulled up in front of the white stone structure. Eric got out and ran to the passenger side of the Hummer where Calleigh was already struggling to get out. She bit off a cry as another cramp raced through her. She felt nauseous and dizzy and could barely stand. She felt Eric lift her and carry her inside. Her heart was pounding in her ears and she was dimly aware of being led into an examining room and laid on the table.
"Calleigh, come on, dear, pay attention. I need you to co-operate with me," Dr. Golden said. She was a woman slightly older than Calleigh, herself, with copper hair and an easy manner. Her deep brown eyes looked concerned. "I know it hurts, but I need to see. I don't want to have to cut your trousers off."
Calleigh complied, disrobing from the waist down and laid back for the exam. She allowed Dr. Golden to place her feet in the stirrups.
Dr. Golden only needed a cursory glance to tell her what was happening to her patient. Calleigh was bleeding heavily; there was nothing she could do. She slid some sterile padding to catch the miscarriage and pulled a sheet over Calleigh's legs to cover her. Dr. Golden rolled her stool toward Calleigh's head. She took her hand. "Sweetie, you're miscarrying. It's too far along and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I can just be here and hold your hand and talk you through it. The cramping that you're feeling right now is like labor pains. They'll stop in a little while. When it's over I'm going to examine you to make sure everything that needed to evacuate did and that there aren't going to be any complications."
"Ok," Calleigh whispered. She closed her eyes and tried to sort out what she was feeling and found nothing but confusion there. Sadness, a sense of loss, relief and guilt all swirled around inside her. Nothing surfaced for very long or took precedence among any of the others. It made her dizzy trying to make any sense of it.
"I think the gentleman that brought you in wants to see you," Dr. Golden said. "Stacy says that he's nearly paced a hole in the carpet outside."
"Doctor, did I...is any of this...could I have-"
"Calleigh, these things happen because of biological reasons. You're a scientist; you should know that nothing happens without a scientific reason. You miscarried because something wasn't right with the fetus. There is nothing that you did or could have done to prevent or trigger this. It's not your fault," Dr. Golden said soothingly. "I know you said that you were frightened and that you and the father aren't together anymore and everything else that you told me. It's still not your fault. Fear and unwillingness would have only made the pregnancy hard on you, not cause it to end."
"Doctor, Mr. Delko is making me crazy. He's very concerned and is insisting on seeing Calleigh," Stacy said, her head sticking in the door.
"Can you handle seeing him right now?" the doctor asked. When Calleigh nodded, she told Stacy to tell him to come in. "Remember, it was a flaw in the biological development, not anything you did or didn't do."
Calleigh nodded and closed her eyes and rode out another contraction. Dr. Golden squeezed her hand once and left, leaving the door ajar.
Eric stepped quietly inside and shut the door. His heart hitched in his chest when he saw Calleigh lying on the exam table. She looked so pale and fragile. He softly padded to her side and took her hand. "Calleigh-"
"Don't." It was just above a whisper but it held misery in it. She squeezed his hand as a low groan escaped her lips.
"Is it still...?" Eric asked, unable to finish the question.
"Yeah," she choked.
"It's ok; I'm here. Squeeze as hard as you can if it helps."
She squeezed down as hard as she could until the contraction eased. She was not going to cry out or yell. "Sorry."
"That's ok." He stroked her hair in an attempt to comfort her. I can't imagine what you're going through right now; what you're feeling. I wish you could confide in me. My feelings for you haven't changed. I still love you. I'm more certain of that now than I ever was.
"Eric, am I a terrible person to be feeling relief right now? I mean, I don't have a decision to make anymore and I couldn't be more relieved," Calleigh asked softly, a single tear running from her eye.
He took his finger an wiped it away. "Not any more than I was when Natalia told me that her pregnancy scare was just a false alarm. It doesn't make you a bad person; it just makes you human. What else are you feeling?"
"Guilt, loss, grief," she stiffened again and squeezed his hand hard. A small sob escaped before she could stop it.
Eric couldn't help his own eyes from tearing. He made nonsense soothing sounds and stayed with her until it was over. Dr. Golden came in and Calleigh asked for Eric to stay while the doctor performed her examination.
"Everything looks just fine, Calleigh," Doctor Golden said. "It was clean. Stacy will help you clean up and I'll send you home. I want you to rest for the rest of the day and all of tomorrow. Work can wait. Let someone else handle the bad guys. You need time to heal up before you get back in the game. You're going to be sore and bleed quite a bit for the next several days. Just take some ibuprofen if it gets to be too much. I want to see you in two weeks for a follow-up."
Calleigh nodded and allowed Stacy to help her. Soon she was once again fully clothed and slowly moved out into the waiting room. Eric automatically put an arm around her waist to help her and was surprised when she did nothing to shrug him off. He gently helped her into the Hummer.
"I called and told H that you got violently ill at the crime scene and that I took you to the doctor. H told me to stay with you and to take the rest of the day to make sure you're alright. He's really worried and said he'd stop by your place tonight to check on you. I tried to tell him not to, but I think he suspects something more and he's coming anyway," Eric told her.
"Yeah, ok," she said softly. She leaned her head on the window and let the air conditioning blow in her face.
He drove in silence for a while. "I really am sorry that you lost the baby."
"I know. I was thinking of having it and giving it up. That's what I wanted to discuss with Jake. Neither of us is ready to be a parent. Neither of our jobs will allow us to be around to raise a child and neither of us would give in. I'd make a lousy mother anyway. What do I know about being a good parent? It's not like I've ever had one." Calleigh said miserably.
"You would have made a perfectly good mother even if you won't believe me. What are we telling H?" Eric asked.
We? When did it become we? Do I like this we thing? "The truth, I guess. I know he's been very concerned. I might as well tell him the truth and get it over with."
"You know he's not going to judge you. He might be a little annoyed that you didn't come to him and tell him that you were pregnant when you found out. I think he's more concerned that you're ok," Eric said quietly. You would have been a good mother, Cal. Hell, you'd have been a great mother; you're always watching out for us and taking care of us when we're too blind and stupid to do it ourselves. If you can get Wolfe to take cold medicine, then you can do anything.
The next time Eric took time to glance over at Calleigh, he found that she had fallen asleep. He didn't blame her; she had been through enough already and it was only slightly past noon. He reached over and gently shook her shoulder. "We're home."
She slowly opened her eyes, realizing that the vehicle was no longer moving. "Home?" She asked sleepily.
"Yes, home," Eric replied, smiling slightly. "Don't try to get out yourself. Let me come and get you." He walked to the passenger side and helped her out, walking her to the door.
She turned to him. "Thanks, Eric; for everything. I mean it. I don't know what I would have done without you. I would have been so lost."
"And you're still not alone." He took the keys from her hand and unlocked the door, pushing it open. "Inside; now and into pajamas, young lady. The doctor told you to rest and you are going to rest."
"You're not going to get a fight out of me. Thanks for bringing me home. I'll call you later."
"I'm not going anywhere. H's exact words were "take her home and stay with her". I'm not disobeying a direct order and I don't think being alone is something you really want right now. If you did, you wouldn't be hesitating," Eric said firmly. "I'm staying and that's that."
"Ok," she agreed softly and lead him inside. "Do you need anything; a cup of coffee or a sandwich? Can I get you-"
"Calleigh! Go get in your night things and lay down in bed. I'll make myself at home. Sometimes you take that Southern hospitality of yours to exasperating levels," Eric said, shooing her toward her bedroom. While she changed, he made himself at home in her kitchen, finding some canned soup, crackers and juice. He heated the soup then poured it into a couple of bowls. He dug out an old breakfast tray and arranged the soup, crackers and juice on it and then carried it to her bedroom. "Lunch is served."
"Eric, you shouldn't have," she protested, yet feeling a little flush of pleasure at being taken care of. Would Jake have made me soup or serve me in bed? Why am I comparing Eric to Jake? Am I still really allowing myself to be attracted to Eric, even though we have that pending rule? He's been amazing through all of this, almost as if the... if it were his. I wonder what it would be like to...what am I thinking? I've just had a miscarriage of another man's... and here I am thinking about Eric in a way I should not be thinking about him.
"Hey, eat your soup while it's still warm," Eric said, eying her carefully. "Penny for your thoughts."
She swallowed a mouthful of soup."I was just thinking about how wonderful you were through all of this. You took care of me in every possible way; mentally, emotionally and physically. Whoever the lucky lady is that captures your heart had better realize that she has herself a treasure and never to let go of you." Calleigh fought for a moment with pending tears, the realization of her feelings for Eric becoming very clear.
Eric's cheeks reddened. "Thanks Cal." He ate in silence for a moment. "I think Jake's the world's biggest idiot for hurting you like he did. I never would have. You're just too..."
"Eric, please, you know how I...I mean, how much you..." Calleigh broke off, once again fighting tears that she didn't know if they were hormonally triggered or just pent up emotion that she thought was long buried.
"It's ok, Cal. This isn't a good subject for today anyway," Eric said gently. He took her now empty bowl off her lap. "Why don't you lay down and take a nap? You fell asleep in the Hummer."
She scooted down beneath her covers. "Yeah, I think I will." She glanced at the bright sunlight outside her window. It wasn't even evening yet; in fact, the clock told her that it was just slightly past 2 pm. She never laid down in the middle of the day. Never. Yet today she was completely exhausted. Her eyes welled again as the full impact of what she went through crashed into her full force. It hadn't been bad cramps...A living being died inside of me. I know it's not my fault. Why do I feel like it is?I was going to have a baby; was. Now I'm not. How can I feel...What do I feel...I'd rather have a gun in my face than have to go through this right now. She grabbed Eric's hand, unable to trust her voice.
He looked down and saw the tears glistening in her eyes and understood. Everything that happened to her since discovering that she was pregnant suddenly was real to her. He could see the fog lifting from her mind as her emotions played across her face. He sat next to her, putting his arm around her. She leaned into him, burying her face in his chest, soft sobs wracking her body. "It's ok, Querida; it's going to be ok. You're not alone; you won't ever be alone." He continued his soft murmurings until she stilled and fell asleep. Eric carefully extricated himself out from under her and then carefully laid her back against the pillows, tucking the light blanket securely around her. He placed a soft kiss on her cheek and left her to rest.
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"H, she's really pretty fragile right now. Go easy on her," Eric said protectively, letting Horatio in.
Horatio took off his sunglasses and glanced around the living room. "You act as if I'm going to interrogate her. I just want to know what's going on with her. I've never known Calleigh to be in such ill health for so long and she's never had to leave a crime scene before. I am understandably concerned and I want to get to the bottom of it and I need to hear it from her. That is, unless you want to fill me in."
Eric shook his head. "I can't; it's not mine to tell. What I can tell you is that she isn't sick."
"Eric?" Calleigh asked, coming into the living room. Her hair was slightly mussed and she hugged her abdomen over her over sized Tulane jersey. She looked like she had just woken up.
"Why are you out of bed? You know you were told to rest." he admonished gently.
"I heard voices. You know, I live alone. Voices in my living room can only mean one of two things: I've forgotten to shut my TV off or someone is in here," Calleigh explained, coming further into the room. She moved slowly, as if in some pain. "Horatio, can I get you anything?"
"No, I'm fine," Horatio replied, looking his CSI over carefully. While she looked better rested than he'd seen her in some time, she still didn't look quite right. For one, she looked as though she'd been crying and was moving as if she were in a great deal of physical discomfort. "I just came to check on you. How are you feeling?"
She gave him a half-hearted smile. "Better."
"But not great."
"No, not great," she replied, sitting on her sofa and drawing up her knees under her. "Please, make yourself at home. You've been here enough times to know I don't stand on formality."
Horatio sat across from her in an overstuffed chair. He leaned forward as Eric sat down next to Calleigh, his proximity a very protective gesture. The last time Horatio had seen Eric that protective had been with Marisol...Eric said Calleigh wasn't sick. What was going on?
"I suppose you want an explanation," Calleigh said softly. Her eyes were on the carpet.
"I would like one, yes," Horatio replied, kindness evident in his voice. "I've been very worried, you know. I had hoped that you'd confide in me. What's going on, Sweetheart?"
Calleigh was silent for a long while, gathering her thoughts and trying to think of an easy way to put it. She could feel the heat of Eric's body next to her and she drew some strength from his nearness. She could also feel Horatio's concerned blue eyes resting on her. She could sense no judgment from him, just bone deep worry.
Her voice was soft but steady. "About three weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant. I was...panicked, really. But it all made sense; the nausea, exhaustion, soreness, the constant trips to the Ladies'. I was scared out of my mind. I'm a single woman with a very demanding profession and no life partner that I can count on to be there. Eric was the only one that knew and only because he walked in on me right after I found out from the doctor and was in a state of terrified panic. I broke down and told him and asked him to not say anything until I sorted everything out for myself."
Horatio's voice was equally soft. "Calleigh, you could have come to me. I would have helped you."
She nodded. "I know and Eric tried to persuade me to, but I just...I couldn't. It honestly wasn't really real in my own mind until today. I know I tried to block it out and continue as if nothing even happened despite the physical evidence. I wasn't ready and I didn't want it but I didn't know what to do."
"Does the father know?" Horatio asked. He had a sick feeling that it was Jake Berkley. Berkley reminded him too much of Ray for his own comfort. He knew that Berkley and Calleigh had been seeing each other and that she had appeared happy, but so had Yelina in the beginning with Ray. That was before Ray had gone Narc and undercover. Berkley already had done the undercover thing and it had been unsavory and what he had in his past could easily resurface and bite not only him, but Calleigh as well. Horatio had meant to take Calleigh aside for weeks to talk to her about her and Jake and to caution her, but there never seemed to be the opportunity to do so and then the new pending rule about non-fraternization between officers had appeared and he had heard that they ended their relationship. Shortly after that, Calleigh had become ill...no, Horatio corrected himself, begun to have morning sickness.
She shook her head. "No. And before you ask, it's Jake. But all that doesn't matter now."
"Why is that, Sweetheart?" he asked, his voice never more tender. Horatio could see that she was raw and open and he didn't want to hurt her any further but he knew there was more. He had never seen her this vulnerable before.
"I didn't get violently ill at the crime scene today, Horatio and Eric didn't bring me straight home. He took me to my doctor's office and...and I...I lost it. I guess it wasn't supposed to be anyway." Calleigh pressed her face into Eric's shoulder, trying not to break down again.
"I'm so sorry, Calleigh," Horatio choked. I wish I would have known. I would have scaled her case load back,; made it easier on her. God, I never would have sent her into that crime scene today. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yeah, keep it between us. I don't want it to get around the Lab. I don't want to be common gossip. I know Alexx, Ryan and Natalia are worried, but I don't even want them to know. The more people that know, the easier that it can slip and I end up becoming the Lab-" she broke off, unable to continue.
"Nobody would think that, Cal. You know that," Eric said fiercely. He hugged her tightly. "Don't you ever believe that. Let us just tell the rest of the team. You don't have to do it. I will. They're frantic over you, especially Alexx. She's called half a dozen times to check up on you this afternoon. Put their minds at ease."
Calleigh couldn't fight the logic of it. She loved each of them fiercely and would walk through fire for them and she knew they'd do the same for her. She realized that she'd be equally as frantic if she saw the same thing happening to Natalia or Alexx. She had been worried sick when Natalia came down with the flu twice in rapid succession a while ago. "Ok, just them, nobody else."
Horatio graced her with a rare smile. "Good. Now I don't want to see you back at work until at least Monday. Take the time to rest up and let your body heal."
"The doctor said that I can go back Friday," Calleigh argued.
"Not until Monday. I don't want to put you on leave and I will if you show up before then. Do you understand me?"
"Horatio, I am not-"
"Calleigh, you've just been through an emotional upheaval and have suffered physical trauma. I don't want you back at work until you've had a good chance to at least physically recover from it," Horatio argued. He never thought he'd ever have to say the next words to her, but she was showing her I-am-a-Southern-woman-and-I-can-handle-it stubborn streak. "You show up and I'll put you on a week's suspension for disobeying a direct order from a superior officer. I am doing this, Calleigh, for your own good. You are in no condition now, nor will you be in any condition by Friday, to be back at work."
"Horatio-" she began in that warning tone she reserved for serial killers.
"Goddammit, Calleigh, you've just lost a child!" Eric suddenly exploded from next to her. "I saw what you have been going through since you found out; how emotional wrung out you are. Who do you think has been trying to hold you together? Listen to Horatio and take the time to process. Why do you have to be so damn stubborn? This steel magnolia bullshit exterior of yours has to drop until you've dealt with this. Stop shutting yourself off and compartmentalizing your emotions!"
Calleigh looked at him in shock. Eric, no, no one has ever spoken to her like that. How did he ever get to know her so well? How did he get behind her walls? When did he get behind her walls? Even Jake wasn't in so far and had never been. "Eric, I..." she said shakily.
Here it comes... "You what?" he asked.
Tears welled and began to slowly track down her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I was so wrapped up in trying to not... I didn't want it to be... The fact that I can't handle..."
"Can't handle what?" Eric pushed, sensing she was about to crack.
"Not being in control of anything in my life, alright? Did I ask to get pregnant? No. Did I get pregnant? Yes. Did I want it? No, at least I don't think I did. Do I have any concept of exactly how I feel right now? NO I DON'T!" Her voice both escalated in volume and emotion until she broke down, curling herself over into a fetal position on the couch, sobbing heart brokenly. When Eric tried to gather her in his arms, she pushed back at him. He refused to let go and finally her weak attempts to physically distance herself stopped and she allowed herself to be comforted.
Horatio stood up and paced a short distance away, shaken. He'd never dreamed that his ballistics expert, second in command, trusted friend and colleague could have so much buried so deep. That she could harbor and mask such pain in her life. He remembered when her father thought he'd killed someone while drunk. He remembered the pain in her eyes the entire day. He had let her know that she could talk to him if she needed to. She thanked him, but hadn't talked. The deep pain was still there when they said good night to each other and still she hadn't talked. The pain in her eyes had slowly faded away over time and Horatio hadn't pushed her. Maybe he should have.
He looked back over at Calleigh and Eric and suddenly felt like an interloper. This was a private moment that he felt he had no right to be involved in. He walked to them and stroked the top of her head, gaining her brief attention. "You need time so I'm going to go. I'm a phone call away if you need anything at all. Don't worry about anything. I'll take care of it. I'll let myself out."
She nodded, vision blurred by tears. "Thank you," she croaked before burying her face once again.
Horatio let himself out, wondering when he had become so disconnected to his team.
"Are you sure that you don't want me to be there?" Eric asked.
"Yeah, I'm sure. You've done more than enough, Eric and...I love you for it. But you knew that," Calleigh said, her new/old feelings for Eric now making her blatantly honest with herself. She wanted more than the friendship and she was certain, although he didn't say it, that he wanted more, too. He had been too tender and loving with her for it to be mere friendship. She glanced shyly at him and saw his smile and something in his eyes. Something heated and hopeful.
"I do, but I still think that I should be around when you tell Jake," Eric said, hope soaring. He knew that she had been through an emotional meltdown and it had left her raw and vulnerable. Never once did he take advantage of the situation, but was tender and gentle with her the whole time. He saw a very different Calleigh than he was used to, not the rough and tumble, sassy and cheerful Calleigh, but a soft and vulnerable Calleigh and that made him love her even more. Two sides of the same personality that made her so incredibly whole to him. He had tried to express how much he loved her by his actions. He thought she might have gotten the message.
"No, I think it might be too awkward. I mean, here I'll be telling him that he was almost a dad and I'm sitting next to another man? Talk about uncomfortable. It'll be bad enough telling him about the...baby and the miscarriage and why I didn't say anything before now. I've got to do this on my own, but it helps knowing that you're not far and will be coming back," Calleigh said, displaying her old spunkiness.
"Alright, but after that, I'm going to cook you dinner and then we're going to relax and you can tell me about it if you want to. H gave me the weekend off because he wanted me to look after you."
"He just didn't want me to come in on Friday and have to suspend me and do all the paperwork," she sassed.
"Calleigh."
The playfulness vanished. "I know. Now go before Jake gets here."
Eric sighed, kissing her on the cheek and leaving the house. He didn't want to go, but knew that she was right. It would be too awkward for him to stay and she was going to have a hard enough time of it to begin with.
"Calleigh, what do we need to talk about? We chose to go our separate ways." Jake said, standing in her doorway. She didn't look quite right, but the rumor around the station house was that she'd been pretty sick lately.
"Please come in and have a seat and just remember, it was your decision, not mine. I was willing to transfer to swing," Calleigh said defensively before she could stop herself. That's it. That's the last outburst like that I'm having. I can't go on the defensive. I have to be open and honest with him no matter how pissed off I get. I cannot shut down.
Jake sat on the sofa. "Ok, you want to talk. Talk."
Calleigh sat in the chair facing him. "You dodged a bullet this past week. Not that I would ask for or accept any participation from you anyway."
"Cal, what the hell are you talking about?" he asked, completely confused.
"Do you remember our second night in Antigua?"
"Yeah," he said, a slight smile on his lips from the memory. "I do."
"Do you remember being unprepared for the physical side of that evening?" Calleigh asked carefully.
"Yeah, I didn't have a condom. You didn't catch anything from me. Even undercover I was more than just careful. Going without could mean taking a med cocktail for the rest of my life."
"No, I didn't catch anything. I got pregnant.' she said flatly then waited for his reaction.
Shock first and then...was that fear, elation? "Calleigh, you're having my baby?" he asked softly, almost reverently. He looked on her with new eyes. "When did you know?"
"I found out about three weeks ago."
Jake knelt and took her hands, not what she expected at all. "Sweetie, why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I was freaking out pretty badly and I couldn't wrap my head around it at all,' she said honestly. "The only one who knew was Eric and he only found out by accident."
"Are you ok? What do you need? I'll do anything."
Calleigh blinked. Maybe she didn't know Jake all that well after all. "Jake, please, let me finish. I know you heard that I got sick on Wednesday and had to leave a crime scene."
Jake nodded. "Yeah. Peterson said you threw up pretty spectacularly and Delko took you home."
"I didn't get sick, Jake." Calleigh stopped, finding the next words hard to get out. "I...I lost it. I lost the baby. I miscarried on Wednesday around noon in my doctor's office."
Jake closed his eyes in grief. Calleigh had miscarried a child he didn't even know he had. "Calleigh, why tell me now?" he whispered sadly, head bowed. "It's already gone."
"Because half the DNA was yours and you deserve to know," she said, her voice cracking.
Jake looked up at her, realizing that she had to live through losing their child while he didn't even know. Did she have to endure it alone? Did Delko just drop her off and go back to the Lab? "Please tell me you didn't have to do it alone."
"No, Eric was there the whole time. He held my hand." She wiped a tear away. "I was never alone."
"Good. So now what do we do? I mean, I can't just go back to things the way they were before you told me. Jesus, Calleigh, we made a baby together."
"Yes we did and it was one that wasn't supposed to happen," she said as steadily as she could. His grief was entirely unexpected and it was knocking her off. "I miscarried. There is no baby anymore. It's gone. I don't even know the gender and I don't want to know. The baby was yours and you had a right to know that it existed, even for a short while. Had I still been pregnant today, it would be a different conversation. And that was the one I was expecting to have with you."
"I can tell you what I would have said. I would have asked you to marry me and we could raise our child together," Jake said.
"And just how would we have done that, Jake? It wouldn't have worked. I was going to tell you that I was planning on putting it up for adoption. I'm no more ready to be a parent than you are and you know it. I wouldn't have asked anything of you. I know that your freedom is as important to you as my independence is to me. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't have...didn't love the baby to give it up. It means that I loved it enough to give it up." Calleigh stopped, fighting the tears that her admission brought.
"Cal, we could have worked it out," Jake pleaded.
"No, we wouldn't have and the child would have suffered. Trust me, I know a little about what that would have been like for it," Calleigh said. "And it's a moot point now. Jake, I didn't want to disrupt your life. I just wanted you to know. You have that right."
"Where is it now?"
"I don't know, Jake; gone. I wasn't even 14 weeks along. I don't want to know." Calleigh said, trying not to explode at him. "Jake, the last three weeks have been hard enough on me. I don't need to know what was done with the baby after I lost it. I don't want to know."
"So, you're saying that nothings changed between us, even after all of that?" Jake asked incredulously.
"Yeah. That's what I'm saying. I'm sorry that it's upset you, but we can't be together for all of those reasons we've already talked about. A baby wouldn't have changed that and we need to keep going our separate ways." Calleigh stood, indicating that she was finished taking. "Jake, I think you need to go now. Thanks for coming and talking. I really am sorry; more than you know."
Unexpectedly he reached out and embraced her gently. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but I'm glad you weren't alone." He kissed her damp cheek. "I'm going."
She let him out before crumpling to the floor and venting her own fresh grief.
Eric sat gazing down at Calleigh's sleeping form. She had told him about her talk with Jake and the revelation she had had during it. He had held her, even though she hadn't cried. He was thrown for a loop when Calleigh had begun talking about her feelings for him and how they were made so very clear throughout this entire ordeal of hers. Eric could tell she was struggling with the words and that the subject was hard for her to talk about. She had sounded so scared that he blurted out how he had felt toward her for a long time. It was funny, really, how they had each felt the same thing for years but never acted on it. It had taken one personal tragedy on top of another personal tragedy to get them to open up to each other. Him being shot in the head and her having a miscarriage, for them to come together. They still had to deal with the non-fraternization issue but they agreed to take it very slow and careful and keep it far from the workplace for the time being. They just agreed to explore the possibilities and not push. They had both been too scarred in the past to rush head-long into a relationship.
Calleigh sighed softly and snuggled closer to him, wrapping her free arm around his waist, content in her sleep. Eric smiled and laid his cheek on her head, breathing in her soft scent, a sense of contentment and well-being surrounding him. Let Stetler and his vendetta be for Monday. He already wanted to know the particulars about their abrupt absence from the crime scene, but that wasn't for now. Horatio had already said that he ran interference for Calleigh and that he said that she had picked up something out in the Everglades last week, which seemed to content the IAB Sergeant for the time being. They would have to tread carefully, but that was for tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.