This is a little reaction piece to S2 Episode Heartbreak. I haven't forgotten about Complicated or Until Next Time. Hope everyone enjoys!
When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up, we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.
-Madeleine L'Engle
"It was suicide by cop, Kate. Get over it!"
How can she get over it? How can she make the pain go away? How can she close her eyes without seeing the troubled young man? How can she keep telling herself that she was just doing her job—protecting her partner— and not feel the knife throbbing in her gut? Sure, she shot people-criminals-and she had not lost sleep over those lowlifes.
But, this young man had not one to turn to except his high school swim coach—who couldn't even save him. And she put a bullet in him. Because he'd raised his weapon at an unarmed Gibbs. She'd reacted like she'd been trained to do. Protect your partner at all costs.
Kate leaned against the cold storage lockers as she stared down at the young man lying on the slap. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes.
She wanted the pain to subside. Wanted to the gaping wound in her chest to be stitched up. She just wanted to stop feeling all together.
He knew where she was when DiNozzo mentioned her absence. He knew. And he still felt like a fucking bastard for yelling at her. What else could he say to her at that exact moment? He knew that no matter what he said, she would still carry the guilt with her. And self doubt.
Didn't enter Autopsy right away. Just watched her from outside the door. She looked so vulnerable. So exposed. He knew that she was the type to be fueled by her emotions—but right now she looked to be held captive by those same emotions. Hiding in Autopsy so that her coworkers could not see her stripped bare. Raw. Vulnerable.
His heart clenched in his chest when he witnessed her wiping tears from the corners of her eyes. He had never seen her cry out of pain. Anger, yes. When he had confronted her about Major Kerry's death and practically accused her.
Wanting to let her be alone with her emotions—she had a reason to be down here alone—and not wanting to embarrass her by seeing her this particular way, he turned back to the elevator, but a small tug made him stop mid motion. Made him enter Autopsy. Made him quietly stroll over to her.
Made him whisper, "I'm sorry, Kate," as he enveloped her into his embrace. Pulled her back against his chest and buried his nose in her sweet smelling auburn hair.
The simple statement and gesture broke Caitlin Todd. Into a million pieces. Could no longer hold back the tears. They fell freely—leaving tracks down her cheeks and landing onto her hands that were settled on top of his around her waist.
Her knees collapsed beneath her.
Lowering them gently to the floor, Gibbs braced his back against the cold storage lockers and held Kate against his chest—situated her between his out stretched legs. He said no more words. Was eerily quiet. Held her tight until the sobs subsided. Held her even when she fought to be freed from his embrace. Held her through the name calling she bestowed upon him.
Kate reminded him of himself—not wanting anyone to see you at your worst. Not wanting them to see how vulnerable you can be.
"Gibbs, let me go." Her voice was hoarse from crying and yelling at him.
"No."
She lowered her gaze, landing on their clasped hands resting on her stomach. How had that happened and when? "I don't want you to see me like this."
His chin rested on her right shoulder. "Too late. Already happened."
"God, you're such a bastard!" She never let anyone see her like this—vulnerable and needy. She always broke down in private and remained stoic in public. Never let anyone know that she did indeed fall apart sometimes. That a small part of her was vulnerable.
Surprising himself and Kate, Gibbs kissed her cheek. "I know." Didn't need to say any more than that. "It's okay to let your guard down in front of others. They won't think less of you if there's kink in your armor."
"You make it sound so simple."
"Because it is."
A shaky laugh came from her. "I'm in a male dominant profession. If I break down in front of certain coworkers..."
"I won't think less of you," he whispered. "You shouldn't be ashamed of tears. You know what that makes you?"
There was a bitterness in her voice. "What?"
His voice was soft in her ear. No sarcasm. Just bare. "Human. It shows them that you're human. That you feel something."
She relaxed in his embrace for the first time. "Then why did you yell at me?" Referring to when she was arguing about the young man being the murderer and finding out that he was with his swim coach at the time of the Commander's demise.
"Because I knew that you would beat yourself up over your decision. You can't carry this around with you, Kate. It'll eat you up on the inside." Their fingers danced over each other's palms.
"Speaking from experience?"
He murmured, "More than you know."
Kate's head rested against his shoulder. She had been so focused on trying to get away from Gibbs that she hadn't realized how comforting this was—how right it felt. And it shouldn't feel this good. He was her team leader. "We shouldn't be doing this." Why was she being the fucking voice of reason? When did they reverse roles?
His arms tightened around her. "Says who?"
"You for one. I vaguely remember a certain someone telling that romances between agents never work and what about rule twelve."
"What about it?"
A smile tugged at her lips. The first one in a long while. "Never date a coworker."
Gibbs scoffed, "Can't a man change his mind?"
"Not when that man is you." Kate needed to control herself. She wanted to crawl inside Gibbs and stay there. Forever. This was why she tried to distance herself from him as much as possible. There was something—something that she couldn't explain or describe—about him that drew her to him like a moth to a flame.
"You hungry?" Quickly he changed the subject. For whose benefit? Kate wasn't quite sure.
She softly giggled, "I'm not sure." Where did that come from? She could've sworn that she was beyond repair moments ago and now Gibbs had her giggling. Giggling?
"You're not sure? When's that last time you ate?"
"I really can't remember."
Gibbs helped her stand up and then stood up on his feet. He saw her gaze land on the still open cold storage locker. Drifting over to block her view with his body, he rubbed his hands up and down her biceps. "I'll put him to rest, Kate. Go on out to the elevator."
She simply nodded. Slowly she walked out of Autopsy—not feeling any remorse about having let Gibbs see a small shred of her vulnerability. Before she had time to reflect on what transpired between them, Gibbs materialized beside her, pushed the button for the elevator and they waited in silence.
To Be Continued...