I was standing on a precipice. Everything I had been working towards my whole life was hours from being mine, yet my body stiffened as I looked back at my empty room. True, it was never very full to begin with, but the emptiness bothered me. Gone were the sheets I hung from the wall to make it look like a tent, the stacks of books on animal training, the photos of the circus and my parents from when I was younger, and all my clothes and ribbons. I had packed the best books, clothes, and pictures in my backpack and donated the rest. I kept the ribbons which I had gotten from my mother. I wore the orange one today to celebrate my rebirth of sorts. As for the sheets, I'm not sure what Sarah did with them. The rest of the room had the same boring white furniture that had always been there. I might not have a room like this ever again. I shook my head. A true circus girl like me didn't need all that space. I was going home. I would be happy. I am happy. I readjusted my bag and tugged my stuffed suitcase across the doorway and headed downstairs.
I was surprised to see everyone up. Mike and the kids were at the table while Sarah cooked something that smelled deliciously buttery. It was 5 in the morning. Last night we had a going away party. For once, Sarah forwent her odd vegan diet and cooked something decent, cookies and even a few renditions of my mom's dishes. She didn't say much, but she didn't need to. I knew she didn't want me to go and she knew there was nothing she could do to stop me. Last night I was happy because we didn't fight like we usually did. She and Mike had bought me a new wilderness survival kit, clothes and a couple of new animal training books. Rebecca and Sammy had given hugs, poorly drawn cards and begged me to tell stories and bring Lisa to the backyard for tricks. The night had been long. But there they all were. Sammy and Rebecca in pajamas and Mike and Sarah in exercise gear from their daily morning run. "Kelsey!" Sammy yelled and gave me a big hug. Rebecca soon followed.
"Good Morning guys!" I said hugging them back tightly.
When we finally let go, and I kneeled down so I could get a good look at them. I wanted to remember them in case I didn't see them again. To stop it from being awkward, I said "You're up early. You sleep well?"
Rebecca nodded, but Sammy ignored the question. "Mommy says we're having pancakes," he said.
"Really, Sarah?" I raised my eyebrowed and looked up at her.
"Yes, Kelsey, two unhealthy meals back to back," Sarah said.
"It's a miracle," Mike cried out. Sarah shot him a look and he grinned at me. I smiled back. Putting a hand on each of the kids' shoulders we walked over and took a seat.
"You're all packed?" Sarah asked flipping a pancake.
"Yup, I just need to fetch Lisa and I'll be ready to go," I replied, "Soon you guys will have a guest room back."
"Nonsense," Mike exclaimed. His face growing serious as he stated, "We're building," he paused for dramatic effect, "a mancave." Even without seeing Sarah's face, I knew she was rolling her eyes.
"I thought it was supposed to be a gym," I said, going along with Mike's joke.
"Well…" Mike trialed off, his eyes sparkling. Sarah shook her head.
"What about the playroom?" Rebecca asked urgently, her eyes growing wide with worry. It was another possibility Mike had suggested and had been Rebecca's favorite.
"Of course, sweetheart," Mike rubbed her back. Sarah sighed. Whether Mike liked it or not, his little joke was probably going to become a reality. He hated to disappoint Rebecca.
"It'll be something, but you can always come back. We will make space," Sarah said as she served me up the first stack of pancakes. Butter and syrup already on. It looked so good, but I frowned. I wasn't going to come back to live with them. No matter what. Why couldn't she accept that?
"Where's my pancake?" Sammy whined.
"It's coming soon, honey," Sarah said back at the stove.
"You can have a bit of mine," I offered.
He looked at me with horror. "I want my pancake," Sammy protested. I shrugged and began eating. Oh, how I missed homemade pancakes with actual butter. Imitation butter doesn't compare to the original, a lesson I wished Sarah would learn. She was always trying to mimic recipes with alternative ingredients and most of the time, it backfired leaving me missing the original dish even more than before. My mom cooked vegetarian dishes and those were good because they weren't trying to copy something that already existed. It didn't matter now though. Sarah's cooking won't be bothering me anymore.
Soon there were enough pancakes for everyone, freeing Sarah from the grill and letting her sit down. She and Mike quizzed me to make sure I had everything while Rebecca ate like a polite young girl and Sammy ate like a rabid honey bear. If we were talking about school and eating Sarah's idea of a healthy meal, instead of my trip and these godly pancakes it would have been a normal breakfast. Too soon it was over, Mike cleaned up and brought Sammy to the sink to wash his syrup covered face while Rebecca cleared the table. I got up and left to go outside. Right before I opened the back door, Sarah stopped me with a touch on the shoulder.
"I know you have to do this," Sarah frowned, "You're just like your parents, but if you ever want to come back, if you ever feel out of place. Know that we're here." She moved around the chairs and gave me a hug. She was crying. "I love you, Kelsey. Please try to be safe." My body stiffened again. I did my best. I patted Sarah on the back and, not for the first time, I wished I could say I loved her too. Instead, I just stood there and let her hug me. It seemed like forever before she let me go. "You better get Lisa," she finally said. I nodded. My mouth dry.
"Yeah. I wouldn't want to forget my main attraction," I choked out. I opened the door and left quickly. I couldn't stand the look on her face.
Once outside I took a deep breath of Oregon air, the pine mixing with the smell of freshly-cut grass was wonderful. Mike and Sarah's backyard was amazing, extending right up to the edge of the forest. Only a short fence separated the two. I walked to the fence and raised my hands to cup my mouth.
"Lisa!" I called. There was no immediate movement from the trees, but I knew she should still be up. I readied myself and called out again, "Lisa! Breakfast!" That would get her attention. I waited and soon heard her rushing towards me. I backed up a bit as Lisa leaped over the fence and began circling me. She looked a little on edge from lack of sleep. "Hey there, girl," I said putting my hand out for her to rub. She purred and nuzzled against my hand. As a bobcat, Lisa basically looked like a large spotted house cat with long ears, a short tail, and very pointy teeth. I could still remember Sarah's horror when she realized I chose a bobcat as my pet from an animal shelter. An honest mistake on the shelter's part, totally intentional by me. By the time, Sara realized what had happened I had already named Lisa and fed her and began training her. She was unsuited for the wild, so we couldn't just toss her out. With Mike's help, I was able to convince Sarah to let me keep Lisa as an outdoor cat. She was my pride and joy. With her help, I was able to test out all sorts of big cat tricks. Her along with my dog training business really made me confident I could do this.
"Come on, Lisa it's time for the circus," I said. She hissed. "Alright, alright. Breakfast first." I went back inside to the kitchen to get her meal for today. I was worried for a moment, but luckily Sarah wasn't there. She must be taking a shower. It was just Mike at the sink. I went over to the fridge and opened the door looking for the Ziploc bag stuffed with rabbit meat. It was strange using the normal fridge. I usually kept Lisa's food in a mini fridge in my room so that it wouldn't creep Sarah out, but that had been sold already. I pulled the rabbit out and went back to Lisa. Normally she had to earn her food, but today I just let her have it to save time.
After her meal, we went around to the front of the house and I convinced her to get in the back of Mike's truck. Then I got my bags and a cooler filled with Lisa's food and put them in the truck with her. I was all packed up and ready to go. I turned and looked at the house one last time. I had spent most of my adolescence trying to get away from this place. It was more of a prison than a home, and I refused to let myself feel anything for it. I called for Mike and the whole crew came out to say one last goodbye via group hug. I was squashed and unable to move. Sarah was sniffling. The kids were squeezing enough to pop me. Even Mike had glassy eyes. It lasted for what seemed like hours. I honestly didn't think I'd be missed this much, but I was getting claustrophobic. Eventually, Lisa growled from the car, tired of being alone and the family let go. I gave the kids an extra hug.
"You guys be good, alright? Sarah and Mike need you two to be extra strong without me around," I said squeezing them a bit.
"You'll come visit, right?" Sammy asked. I let go and I ruffled his hair, but I didn't want to lie. I wasn't sure if I would ever come back here even to visit.
"Kelsey is going far away, guys. She might write letters if you're good," Mike said. The kids smiled thankfully distracted. "Come on, she needs to get into the car before she becomes late. Wave goodbye kids." Sammy and Rebecca waved. Sarah just stood there.
I got in the car with Mike and looked back one last time. "Be safe," Sarah said. I sort of nodded and turned away.
"Ready?" Mike asked as he started up the car.
"I'm ready," I said. I was finally going home.