"What is it that you need Hanna?" and the look on his face says it all. He's frustrated, downright pissed, but there's a flash of something else…utter hurt. It almost makes me regret what I say next.
"I need some space" I swallow thickly and will the tears which have been collecting not to spill.
He's silent and for a minute I think he may protest, but in an act which nearly breaks my heart he silently stands, grabs his things and exits my kitchen.
My head is screaming at me to run after him but my feet won't move and so I keep standing, realization finally hitting that I just pushed away one of the most important people in my life.
"Hanna" my head snaps up and I wipe at my eyes as I hear my mom enter the kitchen.
"I just saw Caleb's car pull away, is everything alright?"
I try my best to keep from falling apart but my mom has always seen through my reserves.
"No" I whisper and in true Ashley Marin fashion she's enveloping me in a hug in a matter of seconds.
I don't know how long we stay there, me quietly crying on her shoulder, her soothingly rubbing small circles over my back. "Why don't you get some sleep honey" she says and the idea actually sounds good.
I nod, kiss her cheek, and head upstairs falling on my makeshift bed as soon as I enter my room. The pillows still smell like him. Evidence left over from him staying last night. It's comforting and before I know it I'm drifting into unconsciousness.
I'm awoken hours later to a light knocking on our front door, it's so quiet I almost felt I dreamt it but when I begin hearing whispered voices talking I'm suddenly aware my mom has a visitor.
Who on God's green earth would be visiting at, I check my phone, 11:34 pm?
I sit up and walk towards my bedroom door. Although I can only make out bits and pieces of the current conversation I recognize that voice. I'd recognize it anywhere. My mom is talking to Caleb.
It seems like small talk for now and I creep out onto our staircase in order to hear clearer what my mother is saying.
"What are you doing here Caleb?" Silence. "I know that something happened between you and Hanna" More silence. "Listen I don't know what went down a couple hours ago but you have to know how much my daughter loves you and if space or a break is what she's needing…" How in the hell do moms do that? I think to myself, she knows exactly what's wrong without me even saying anything. Freakin genius.
"But I know you two will find your way back to each other" I hear her conclude "You always do". I smile at that because it's true. Caleb and I haven't exactly had a story book romance but we've always found our way back to each other, against any and all odds.
"Thanks Ms. Mar..Ashley" I hear Caleb say and I have to chuckle because you'd think after years of dating and being a part of this family he'd get it right on the first try.
"Would you mind if I went and checked on her? I know she's sleeping and I promise I won't disturb her but watching her sleep has always been one of my favorite things to do" It has? "She's so peaceful when she sleeps, as if nothing bad has ever happened to her. It calms me. Knowing that even for a short period of time she feels safe."
I always feel safe with you. I think in my head. Gosh, I don't deserve this man, everything he has ever done is to keep me safe and to show his love. And here I am fucking it up. God Hanna you're an idiot.
I stop berating myself just in time to hear my mom agree and Caleb make his way for the staircase.
Hurriedly I jump from my hiding place and scurry into my bedroom, jumping on my air mattress and pulling the covers up to my neck. I face away from the door in hopes he won't be able to see my face because I'm just terrible at faking like I'm asleep.
I hear him enter the room, taking extra caution in order not to disturb me. The chair squeaks as he sits down and I'm hyperaware of everything about him. His smell, a mixture of sandalwood and musk, his steady breaths in and out. I'm overwhelmed by his presence and it's not long before I begin to fade. I don't know how long he stays but I swear at one point I feel him press a kiss to my forehead and the murmur of "I love you Hanna" come from his lips.
Spencer has all the subtlety of a hand grenade. I realize that this morning as I was awoken to her ripping off my blankets and telling me I had 7 minutes to get dressed before we were leaving. 7 minutes? Only Spence would choose such a random number.
"Spence it's like 9 o'clock in the morning…Why don't you go bother Aria or Emily or hell even Sara for all I care as long as it isn't me." I pull the covers back on and over my head in an attempt to drown out the overly caffeinated person standing to my left.
"Han it's noon. Get up and get changed, you now only have 4 minutes or you'll force me to drag you out of this house naked." I look up at her and see the seriousness in her eyes.
"You're not kidding are you?" I ask. She looks at her phone and heads to exit my bedroom, "3 minutes and 30 seconds Hanna, 3 minutes and 30." Ugh, I need to get new friends.
Exactly 5 minutes later were in Spencer's SUV driving towards the Brew. She hasn't said anything but I know she's thinking something. Her eyebrows are pinched together in her true Spencer Hastings worried look.
"I stopped by your house earlier this morning. Figured we could head out to Carol's house one more time to take a look around." She pulls into a parking spot and glances over to where I'm looking out the window. "You're mom said you were still sleeping, that you had a rough night, something about Caleb." Her tone is questioning but I remain silent not giving her an answer. "Do you want to talk about it?" By this point we've entered the Brew and are making our way to a corner table secluded in the back.
"I just"…the words are even hard for me to form. "I just don't deserve him". My eyes betray me as they begin to water and I duck my head down willing them to stop.
I hear Spencer inhale sharply and there's a moment of silence which passes between us.
"Han, you and I have been friends for a long time now so I'm going to say this in the nicest way I can think possible"… I hear her inhale again. "Quit being such a bitch"
My head flies up. That is not what I expected to hear and my mouth opens in preparation for a counter attack. Spencer beats me to it.
"Look before you come out all guns a blazin, listen to me for a minute." I gain my composure and lift my eyes to meet hers encouraging her to continue.
"Who are you to tell yourself what you do and do not deserve?" I'm hit with the force of that question and my eyes begin to water. Spencer must see because she reaches over and grabs my hand. "Look Han we've been through things in the past four years that most people will never go through in their lifetime. Yet through all of this you have found a man who loves you unconditionally and who willingly sacrifices his happiness for yours. I'm not saying it's not messed up, that we're not messed up because what we've just been through will take time to heal from. But this Charles, this A, has already taken so much from us, don't let him take away this too."
She's right, then again the Hastings usually are. Why should I give A the satisfaction of ruining another piece of my life, perhaps the most important piece.
"You're right" she smiles "Caleb and I have been through too much shit for me to give up now".
She squeezes my hand "And once all this A shit blows over and life settles down, I'm going to watch you stress over your wedding for months because Lord only knows that the Haleb wedding will be the biggest event Rosewood will ever have."
I chuckle, "Damn straight" I reply and tip my coffee cup towards her before taking a sip. The thought of Caleb and I getting married now replaying over and over in my mind.
"Just promise me one thing" she says and I nod for her to continue. "No sequins bridesmaid dresses" she extends her right pinky finger to me grinning all the while. I laugh out loud at her statement and extend my pinky briefly linking it with hers.
"Well now that that's settled, I'm going to head over to Aria's since she's on lockdown. I guess her dad decided to show up and act like a parent" She rolls her eyes "And you" she's pointing at me, "go get your man" she says with a wink and slaps a $10 bill on the table to cover our coffee.
"Thanks Spence" I say sincerely as I stand to give her a hug. She pulls back so I'm at arm's length and looks me in the eyes "Just remember Hanna Marin, you deserve all the happiness in the world" and with that she kisses me on the forehead and leaves without another word.
I pick up my coffee and gather my things. Looks like I have someone to talk to.
I opt to walk to Caleb's apartment, one to clear my head and two because I realized as Spencer was leaving that she was my ride. Nice one Spence.
The couple minute walk helps me decide what I should say, "Caleb I'm sorry I was a bitch" no not that. "Caleb I'm sorry I was kidnapped by an unidentified person who we've been fighting for four years now" ugh no too much. "Caleb marry me?" well that would certainly get his attention but no too soon. "Caleb I love you." There that could work.
Before I know it I'm standing at his door and begin hesitantly knocking. I wait. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, thr…
The door swings open and my heart swells as I see the man I love with every fiber of my being stand before me. Then I take in his appearance and my heart cracks. The clothes he was wearing last night rumpled and wrinkled are still on his body. His hair, sticking up in every which direction, a complete and utter mess. But it's his eyes which do me in, red and swollen from what looks like tears, and dark circles which give way to the fact that he must not have slept an ounce.
He says nothing and remains frozen in his spot at the door. I know he's waiting for me to say something and in that moment I forget the words which I had practiced on the way here.
I clear my throat and wipe at my eyes, not that that does any good with the way the tears are flowing now. I look up at his face and realize he's crying too. Big fat tears falling down his olive skin and in that moment I can't stand to see him in pain anymore. I reach up and wipe at his face pulling his head down to mine so our foreheads rest together.
"I'm sorry" I whisper, and that brings on a fresh set of tears for both of us. "I love you so much" and that's all he needs to hear before pulling me into his arms and into his apartment as I fall apart. Sobs wrack my body as he scoops me up and leads me to his bedroom, laying me on the bed and coming to lay beside me.
He's rubbing circles on my back and kissing my forehead, cheek, nose, eyelids, wherever his lips can reach. All the while whispering "I love you". After I've calmed down and he's wiped my face of my tears I open my mouth to apologize once more but he silences me with a kiss.
"No more apologies, I don't want to hear them. All that matters is that you're here" and he smiles that sexy Caleb smile which I love so much. He kisses my forehead, then my left cheek, then the right, and proceeds kissing my chin, nose and finally ends with my lips. A sunshine kiss is what he calls it, it's sort of become our thing and it makes me swoon every time.
I snuggle into him more and he shifts so my head is resting on his chest and his fingers are playing with my hair. Suddenly I'm curious.
"Caleb?"
"Hmm" he grunts.
"What was it like for you while I was gone?" I hear him take in a deep breath.
"Terrifying" he says and I can hear the anguish in his voice. "Not knowing where you were or what he was doing to you haunted my every waking thought." I squeeze him tighter because I can't imagine his distraught.
"But you want to know what was even more terrifying?" he asks and I sit up to look him in the eyes. He's silent for a few moments before continuing, "the thought of you not being a part of my future" he casts his eyes down and I know he's trying everything in his power to keep it together. After a few moments he reaches out and touches my face, tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear and continues.
"The thought of never getting the chance to ask you to marry me" I reach up and link my hand with his, "Or never getting the chance to see you fuss about our wedding" he smiles at that one and so do I because let's face it that's going to be true. "Never getting the chance to come home to you barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen making us dinner" tears well up in my eyes because I never thought for one day he thought about these things. "Never getting the chance to raise our children with you, our grandchildren with you, perhaps even our great grandchildren with you" he pauses and takes a deep breath, "the most terrifying part of you being gone was coming to terms with the idea that I may never get the chance to spend the rest of my life with you".
I want to reach up and kiss him and assure him I'm not going anywhere but it looks as if he has more to say, so I squeeze his hand and urge him to continue.
"And now that I have you back I don't want to chance losing you again" He's looking at me so intensely now and my heart feels so full I think it could burst.
"I know this isn't what you expected and it's definitely not what I had planned and I don't even have a ring" Wait what a ring? Did he just say ring? He takes another deep breath in,"Hanna Marin will you marry me?"
I think my heart literally stops and words no longer form coherent sentences in my head. Did I just hear him right?
He speaks before I even get the chance, "I'm not saying let's get married now or months from now or even years from now. We're still young and we have all the time in the world so I'm not looking to rush. But I want to spend forever with you Hanna, will you allow it?"
"Yes" I say without hesitation and my face breaks out into the widest smile as I reach up and pull him in for a kiss. Hanna Rivers… I like the sound of that. We break apart and both resume our respective places wrapped in each others arms. The exhaustion from the past 12 hours finally setting in.
"Thank you" I tell him as his fingers go back to working through my hair.
"For what?" he questions.
"Saving me" I say simply, those two words holding so much meaning now.
"We saved each other" he says and I can't help but to agree more.