To whoever Maria Hill shows this to, this is a logbook. Due to the unfortunate incident regarding the Statue of Liberty, Maria Hill, the team manager, demanded that I keep a logbook of one week of my life in Avengers Tower. The purpose of this book is to gauge the effectiveness of the Avengers. Because of the incident, she has grave doubts that the Avengers can continue to function seamlessly as a team. She hopes that this log will tell her how the Avengers interact off duty, and that she might be able to use this information to her advantage.
Monday:
5:30 am: Woke and went for a run.
6:30: Returned to find Tony in the pantry, scarfing down my imported Belgian chocolates.
He now knows what Happy felt when I flipped him. I was not aware that Tony woke this early. I shall be more watchful.
7:00 : Made my usual breakfast of a kale smoothie. Ate it with Steve who was eating seven boiled eggs and a mammoth bowl of sugar cereal. That is not good for his system. I told him so.
7:03 Proceeded to watch as Steve went berserk from the sugar. He is not very used to it, so whenever he eats large amounts he becomes incredibly hyperactive. It is funny, he can drink fourteen gallons of alcohol and not get drunk, but when he eats more than twenty grams of sugar at a time he explodes.
7: 34 Bruce woke. He had been in the kitchen for two minutes when Tony began to provoke him. I called Tony a toddler. Tony told me not call him a baby. I told him that if he acted like one, I would call him one. He shut up.
8:30 We got a call from the NYPD that a masked man was holding people hostage in a Broadway theater. Thor and I handled it. The mission took a total of three minutes twenty nine seconds, including travel time.
9:00 Sparred with Clint. However many times Clint complains, I will continue to bite him if he uses his bow like a cudgel.
9:12 Helped Clint apply numerous Band-Aids.
9:17 Took a shower.
9:32 Went for a walk in Central Park with Thor and Steve. Steve kept trying to feed the pigeons with his french fries. As we watched civilians walking their dogs, Thor remarked that he wanted to get a puppy. Steve agreed with him. Trouble. I firmly stated that that would never happen as long as I lived in the Tower.
10:00-1:35pm Bummed around. Nothing to report.
1: 35 Thor and Steve returned from their supposedly innocent little outing with two Great Dane puppies! Apparently, they saw an advertisement for the ASPCA while they were watching television together. Being the idiotic softies that they are, they (without thinking) took Mjolner to the nearest adoption agency and got a brother and sister.
2:02 Bucky piddled on my shirt. I attempted to drown him in the sink, but Steve stopped me.
2:19 I got a video of Steve and Thor sitting in the game room cuddling the dogs and cooing. Hopefully, it will go viral. Revenge is in sight!
2: 39 Unwelcome info. Bucky is a girl, and Frigga is a boy. Apparently Thor and Steve didn't check.
2: 55 I am already sick of the whimpering beasts. I asked Steve when he will begin to train it to attack on command. For some reason, he was offended by this. He rambled on and on about how they were seven weeks old, like that has anything to do with it.
3:15 The pet craze is catching, apparently. Bruce wants to get a cat. I told him that unless he wants to find himself living on the streets, he will not get a cat. Ever.
3:30-6:00 Spent the afternoon sketching/plotting my ideas for a new costume.
6:02 I decided that we would all go out. We all wanted to go see a show, but we could not agree on which one. We were about to rock-paper-scissors 'till we had a winner, but then Clint piped up and shouted that we would go see ALL OF THEM!
6:30pm-5:19am Went to all the shows. We had a wild time, and so did the paparazzi, who followed us everywhere. I am pretty sure that they got some pictures of Thor getting his hair cut. Ok, I will explain. At Les Miserables, a person in the balcony above us dropped a huge bowl of buttery, sticky popcorn. Of course, it landed on Thor's head. The disgusting butter got slimed through his hair. We couldn't get it out, so we had to go down the street so he could get an impromptu crew cut. He was so embarrassed, he went and got a wig, too. You probably know all about this already if you read tabloids.
Tuesday:
6:55 am Dragged in from our night of nonstop Broadway. My ears will never be whole again.
8:00 Woke up. I have never slept in so late in my life.
8:09 Discovered that while we were gone, the puppies lade waste to the living room. Excrement was everywhere, the couches were ripped up, the television remotes were chewed, and they had somehow got a bottle of scotch out of Tony's cabinet and drank the whole thing. Tony and I joyously chucked the pups off the balcony. However, Thor caught them.
8:30-10:22 Cleaned up the living room with Clint, Bruce, and Tony while Steve and Thor took an online puppy care class.
10:30-4:19 Did numerous training exercises with some of the new S.H.I.E.L.D. trainees. They are despicably incompetent. Most of them have no training at all. I know this because I experimented: I attacked several of them from the shadow. Only one knew the proper techniques. Most of them just screamed and leapt for cover. I am going to file a complaint, although Bruce says that this is not very fair.
4:30-6:00 Maria Hill came up to the Avengers floors of the Tower and asked if I wanted to go get coffee with her and have a little "girl time." However much I loathe "girl time," I wanted to be polite, so I agreed. We actually had a pretty fun time! We got coffee, and then she wanted to go shopping, so I tagged along. She bought a short red dress. I bought a jacket that has a compartment for a concealed gun. Although it is not my favorite thing to do, I found the outing pleasant...I seriously needed a break from the rampant testosterone forever present in the Tower.
6:00-10:34 Read a book, completed the ropes course in the Tower (again), ate dinner, went to bed.
Wednesday:
Introduction: Wednesday is team day. We do training missions together, eat dinner together, and watch a movie together at night. We all like this arrangement because as long as we do this, we are not officially required to say a single word to each other any other day of the week.
5:30 Woke and ate.
6:15-9:42 Completed several mock fights with the team in the combat simulation room, created battle plans for all types of fight scenarios, and did a team workout.
10:00-12:00 Showered and rested until lunch.
12:30-1:45 We all ate lunch together, and then we went to Times Square where we were hosting a meet and greet/fundraiser for charity. It didn't go very well. Thor got mobbed by out-of-control fangirls and Clint got mauled by a baby being held by his mother. The baby, for some strange reason inside his little toddler brain, wanted to suck on a fistful of Clint's hair. I got several amusing pictures of the event. Steve kept being asked to sign preteen girl's foreheads/backs/arms. One rather demented girl asked him to sign her lips. He turned pink and hid behind Bruce. Bruce, on the other hand was the only one of us who was politely asked to sign pieces of paper. Maybe his aura exudes normality. I was wolf-whistled at by a couple leering men. I was about to flip them over onto the bar, but Clint stopped me. He said that it would be bad for publicity. Tony thought that the alcohol punch that was being served was a little too tame, and tried to pour in an extra bottle of vodka. I punched him in the forehead. All in all, a typical event for the Avengers.
2:00 Returned home. Practiced my computer hacking on Tony's systems until dinner.
5:45 Went to barbecue
7:00 Saw a movie
11:02 Went to bed.
Thursday:
3:37 Woke to the sound of Bucky and Frigga scratching at my door. For some unknown reason, they had gotten out of their owners' rooms and wanted to come into mine. I ignored them for 16 minutes. They kept it up, so I let them in. They immediately jumped into bed with me.
I resisted the urge to kick them out of the bed with force. Being with the puppies made me realize the awful truth. Steve and Thor only got the dogs three days ago, but they have already gain about 8 pounds each.
4:23 Couldn't stand being with the animals any more, so I pushed my way into Steve's room and dropped them on him. Apparently, he didn't hear me come in, because he didn't wake up until the two 20 pound puppies landed on his face. He started kicking and screaming. In his shocked state, he whacked me in the stomach with his foot. I almost passed out. After he managed to remove the confused puppies from his head, he had to carry me back into my room because I couldn't breathe.
8:00 When I came out of my room, I met a very apologetic Steve. He's nice that way. When I do something to him, he apologizes. He offered to make me breakfast, so I told him that I wanted french toast. He began to fire up the oven before I told him that french toast is made with a skillet. Having absolutely no idea what to do, he turned the skillet on high and put a piece of toast in it. Then, he poured a mixture of butter, salt, vinegar, and marmalade(?) over the toast. When it was done, I pretended to eat it. However, when he went to the bathroom, I discreetly threw it into the garbage disposal.
8:24 Took my designs for my new costume to a SH.I.E.L.D. seamstress to see if it was doable.
10:33 After I was done at the seamstress, I went to my normal barber to get my hair dyed. Because I don't want anybody to recognize me, I have an elaborate costume that I wear to the barber shop. Everybody who works or goes there knows me as Tonia Starkseybert, a tall but ugly woman employed as a hotel janitor.
12:09 Got back to the Tower. Bought Chinese takeout to eat with Clint and Thor.
12:43 Found myself at the hospital. It turns out that Clint has a severe allergy to one of the spices in the food we ate. Approximately 3 minutes after he started eating, his face/hands/entire body started swelling at an alarming rate. Thor had to fly him to the ER with Mjolner. I followed in a taxi as fast as I could.
2:59 Returned home with an alive but rather puffy-looking Clint.
3:15 Took the rest of the day off to make sure that Clint didn't have any problems.
Friday:
6:00 Woke and went running with Tony. The whole way he whined for me to "sloowww doooowwwnnn." I considered Widow's Biting him in the gut.
6:45 Got back and took a shower.
7:30 While I was eating breakfast, we got a call from S.H.I.E.L.D. A woman had called HQ, and she said that if they didn't give her a quarter of a billion dollars, she would set off a bomb planted in the fashion district. Obviously, she was a novice at terrorism, because S.H.I.E.L.D.
was easily able to track her call. However, she was holed up in an abandoned building in Queens, so S.H.I.E.L.D. asked us to handle it. We can be more stealthy and effective than a bunch of agents. That said, only Clint, Steve and I went. Thor, Bruce, and Tony are about as stealthy as nuclear explosions.
7:45 We arrived at the building she was in. We slipped into the abandoned structure, and scouted around the first floor. We did not see anyone, so we crept up the stairs. At the top, there was a closed door. Steve did his mid-air plank kick, busted the door, and we ran through. Anticlimactic moment. The room was empty. We slid back into the stairwell and up the stairs. This time, Steve opened the door a teeeny crack. Surprise! The terrorist was sitting on the floor in the center of the room. She had been expecting us, because she had seven large bodyguards around her. Clint released a smoke arrow right in their faces. I ran through the smoke and grabbed the first muscle-bound dude that I came across. I jumped on his back, and was about to Bite him when I realized it was Steve. Oops. He fell on his face, and I fell with him. While we were struggling to detangle ourselves, Clint took out all seven men and made the woman stand against the wall. I get the feeling that we will not hear the end of this for a long time.
8:52 Returned home, with Clint still chuckling and Steve and I glaring at each other.
9:09 Clint proceeded to share the story with the rest of the team.
10:34 In retaliation for the Monday incident, which I had all but forgotten about (the one where I flipped him because he ate all my chocolates), Tony secretly hacked into my quadruple-encrypted
music player and replaced every single one of my songs with a rap called Black Widow. He was careful to make sure that the titles of the songs did not change. For example: my player would say Tchaikovsky's 3rd symphony, but it would play that despicable rap. I found out about this in a very uncivilized manner. I was sinking down into one of the couches in the living room with the rest of the team. I turned on my iPod, and because Tchaikovsky's 3rd symphony begins quietly, I turned the volume up. My eardrums exploded. I figured out it was Tony right away. How? The rest of the team jumped up and ran over to me when I screamed at the top of my lungs. Tony sat in his chair, humming and stifling laughter. I was so angry, I pulled my concealed gun from my sweat pants and carefully shot through every single one of his alcohol bottles at the bar.
Saturday:
Boring day, nothing to report. Wandered around the Tower, avoiding Tony.
Sunday:
6:00 Woke up.
6:45 Walked Bucky and Frigga in Central Park since Thor was off visiting Jane, and Steve was getting ready to go to church. Bucky and Frigga continue to grow. At an incredibly rapid rate.
7:15 Returned home. Spent the morning monitoring the dogs while trying to restore my music player to its original state. Tony and Bruce spent the morning in the lab, and Clint passed the time cleaning and re-cleaning his already immaculate bow and arrow set. He is too much of a perfectionist.
12:02 Steve returned. Every week, he goes to a different church, because every. Single. Time. Without. Fail. A Captain America fangirl recognizes him and passes out in the middle of the service.
12:43 Thor returned. Jane lives in upstate New York now, to be closer to him but still have a advanced science lab. He went and spent the morning with her and Darcy.
1:35 The seamstress from S.H.I.E.L.D. dropped off my new costumes. They are amazing! When I fire up my Bites, my whole costume begins to glow, and then it gives off a mild shock. Not to me, of course, but whichever unlucky person I am targeting.
2:12 Tried out my new costume on Tony. He wasn't very appreciative.
3:19 Had coffee with Thor and Clint at a nearby coffeehouse. Signed many, many autographs.
5:07 Apparently the Super Soldier Serum didn't entirely clear away Steve's asthma. 5 minutes after we returned, he started to wheeze and hack. He didn't recognize the symptoms at first because he hadn't had an attack for 70+ years. I had to stab him with an EpiPen. Then, we had to drag him into S.H.I.E.L.D to report the incident. It really helped that Phil Coulson is now the head of/rebuilding S.H.I.E.L.D, because Steve got incredible treatment. Talk about babied.
6:35 We returned to the Tower. To help forget the incident, we watched one of Steve's favorite war movies. I actually enjoyed it quite a lot. The puppies fell asleep on my lap. They are, surprisingly, beginning to grow on me. Literally and figuratively.
10:30 Went to bed.
There it is. A full report of one week of my life in Avengers Tower. I hope it provides all the information that you need, Maria. However, I doubt that it can do anything but confirm your doubts of our inabilities.
Natasha Romanoff