Dear Father

A/N: My muse is simple girl. All she likes are plot bunnies and reviews. So be kind to Maggie and feed her review cookies please. Big thanks to my beta Lbandoly for her hard work.

No copyright infringement intended. All characters are the property of JKR, Scholastic, and any number of other companies with more money than I've ever dreamed of seeing. I didn't make any money off of this, so please don't sue.

Lyrics are to the song Numb by Linkin Park. Lyrics are in italic.

DMDMDMDMDMDMDMDMDM


Dear Father,

So many years spent being trained and directed to follow in your footsteps. So many years spent enduring repeated curses and lashes all to be the type of man you believed I needed to be. But now that the time has come to put all those years of constant pain, rigorous training, and ever present supplication to good service I find I don't like what I have been forged into. I'm feeling so faithless, lost under the surface of a dark tide that I'm powerless to change.

What have I become? I am nothing. I have no identity of my own. I'm an impersonation of you. I am what you made me. But no more! I'm tired of being what you want me to be. I am so tired of being put under the pressure of walking in your shoes. I'm bloody well not you!

So many years spent trying to emulate your every word, every step, and every great achievement hoping against all hope that you would be pleased with my actions. But when push came to shove I don't know what you're expecting of me. I'm caught in the undertow of this tide that you insist is for the greater good. I tried, truly I did, but every step that I take is another mistake to you. What more can I do for you?

I've become so numb I can't feel you there. I can't feel your anger with me. The lashings have lost their pain. The curses are weaker. I've become so tired but so much more aware. I've found myself in walking away from you. To turn my back on everything I've known, everything you've taught me at the tip of your wand. I'm becoming this different man. All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you.

Can't you see that you're smothering me? You're holding too tightly, always afraid to lose control of me. Because everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right in front of you. It will keep falling apart till every part of me has been expunged of you.

I'm tired of being caught in the undertow. I'm tired of every step that I take being another mistake to you. Every second I waste is more than I can take. Take comfort father in knowing that I've become so numb I can't feel.

I'm so much more aware of who I was and who I would rather be. I'm becoming this greater man because it's all I want to do. I will become more me and be less like you.

I'm your enemy now. By the time you read this I'll have turned myself in to the Order. I can only hope they won't kill me the moment I turn myself over to them.

And I know I may end up failing at this too. They very well may kill me like I know they wish to do to you. But at least I can die knowing I'm not a murderer. I'm not a raping, lying, fucked up bastard with disillusions of grandeur.

But take comfort father because I know you were just like me with someone disappointed inyou once upon a time. Now she's dead as I may be soon.

Your Son,

Draco Malfoy