A Second Chance
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a/n: i wrote this quite a while back (like 2 years ago) and forgot about it... eh, it happens... thus iOMG & iLMM never happened. the subject matter will be a little touchy to some of you but when i read back through it, i changed some things to take some of the emotional bite out of it before i posted it, so it shouldn't be too sad...
it jumps back and forth in time (story within a story kind of thing) but it's not hard to follow... past is in italics
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Disclaimer: Like all the rest... I don't own iCarly, characters, etc, yadda, yadda, yadda... Here we go...
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A young woman walks alone down a long winding path surrounded by overhanging trees; it looks almost like a tunnel she thinks.
The leaves are just beginning to change and fall to earth, vibrant yellows and oranges replacing the once rich greens, signaling a new stage in time's never ending flow... but, for her, time seems to be frozen...
The wind kicks up as she walks, blowing the freshly fallen leaves across her path, sending a chill through her. She clutches her black wool jacket tighter around her shoulders to fight off the cold, her long blonde curls dancing wildly in the breeze. Her grip tightens on the dozen white roses in her hand as she moves to free the wind strewn hair from her face.
Just a little further, she thinks.
She moves her deep blue eyes, once full of life, full of wonder and mischief, to her surroundings, taking in the gently rolling hills of Washington Memorial Park.
Beautiful... It's the perfect place, she muses.
The sky is darkening as of late and thunder roars in the distance as clouds seem to block out the sun, but she takes no notice... it fits her mood.
She feels like everything she's ever had has been stripped away, like nothing will ever be the same, like she's been shattered, torn down to a mere shell of her former self, before breaking into pieces... and all of her dreams, like ashes, have floated away.
She loathes where her life has ended up. There's no more happiness, no more joy, no more laughter, no more love... She's lost. And the only thing she seems capable of feeling anymore is...
Regret.
Her eyes flicker upward from her path and her chest tightens as she leaves it. She's reached her destination. She's unsure of what to say, she doesn't know where to begin. Samantha Puckett has never been one for expressing her feelings, her emotions, no matter what has happened to her... or what she has caused, so she stands for several moments, unmoving, unblinking, unable to speak, her mind drifting...
"W-what are you doing, Sam?" Freddie asks nervously as he watches her slowly remove her clothing. "What do you think, nub?" she replies seductively. She's just as nervous as he is, she just hides it better...
Thunder crackles the sky again and she flinches, shaking her out of her reverie. She shifts nervously before she speaks, her voice soft. "I don't know where to begin." she sighs. "But I'm sorry. Sorry for what I did to you, sorry for never giving you a chance... Sorry that it's taken me almost a year to come here and say this to you." She tries to maintain, tries to keep her composure, but she's quickly losing her resolve...
"We don't have to do this, you know. I'm willing to wait until you're ready..." Freddie whispers, removing his lips from hers. "I'm ready." is her breathy reply before her lips crash onto his...
"You know," she chuckled nervously, "I'm seeing a therapist now. She seems to think that this," she said, flicking her finger back and forth, "talking to you, or something, would help me to, I don't know... recover or whatever." She glances down at the flowers in her hand for a moment before returning her gaze. "I brought you these but..." she trailed off as tears jerked to her eyes...
Soft moans filled the Benson's apartment as Sam and Freddie's bodies pressed against each other, limbs tangling, hands roaming, lips lavishing attention, and tongues tasting. "Sam, are you sure?" Freddie asked as he positioned himself at her entrance. "Yes." she replied softly, nervously...
Tears spilled from her eyes for a moment before she was able to choke out, "...but I know they'll never be enough." She stilled for a while, regaining her strength even as she felt her heart being torn out all over again. She reached with a trembling hand to wipe her eyes. "I normally don't let people see me cry, so don't think less of me for doing it now... not that it's possible at this point." she whimpered softly, sadly.
Sam took a deep, cleansing breath before she continued. "I came here today because I was hoping to find some closure, a reprieve, of sorts... but mostly to seek your forgiveness..."
He was breathing heavily against her flushed skin... it was her first time, it was his as well, and like so many of the important milestones in their young lives, they shared it with each other... "Don't stop, Freddie!" she cried as he moved inside of her, his impending release drawing closer by the second... "God, Sam..." he breathed as she began to spasm around him.
"It's funny... seeking forgiveness. Especially when I know I don't deserve it. But maybe an explanation would help you forgive me?" she asked hopefully before sighing heavily, "I'm not sure... but I'll try..."
Sam shivered again as the wind picked up once more. She looked around her at the people slowly meandering about as she clutched her coat tighter, making sure no one was nearby. But no one was close enough to hear her, so she pushed on. "It was cold then, too... for our first time, I mean." she started. "We'd been dating, well, kind of, for a couple months when I found out that he had gotten into the college of his dreams..."
"Not that I'm not glad that it happened, Sam, but why?" he asked, wrapping his arms securely around her. "Why now?"
"I don't know." she replied casually. But she did know... she just couldn't say it. It made her feel weak, needy, scared... and she hated that feeling. "It just felt right..."
"I was so scared of losing him but, I've never been able to express myself that well, but I... I've always been better at showing people, you know? That's what I tried to do and hoped desperately that he'd understand." Sam closed her eyes, fighting back the moisture that was forming, trying to keep it from falling. "I wish I would've just told him..."
"I love you, Sam." Freddie whispered to her. He wasn't sure when this feeling came over him, maybe it was always there, but he knew that he needed to tell her, needed her to know.
Sam tensed in his arms, those were words she rarely heard, and in that moment, she'd never been happier but, there was something within her, something deep down, that kept her from saying it back... 'He's leaving you in two months, Sam', she told herself, 'why make it harder... on both of us?' "I... I gotta go, Freddie." And she left without another word.
Sam opened her eyes and let a few droplets fall as lightning flashed in the distance, the thunder rolling across the darkened sky. "I love him. Maybe I always did," she whimpered. "But I was worried that he'd give up everything, and I couldn't let him do that... not for me."
"I couldn't do that to him... I loved him too much." Sam drew a ragged breath and wiped her eyes, forcing the moisture to stop falling. "But I wanted, needed, him to know..."
That's how their relationship progressed... Sam would enter quietly through his window, make love to him like her life depended on it, and leave just as quietly after she'd milked him dry. Everytime, he'd tell her he loved her, praying that one day she'd find the strength to say it back, only to be disappointed when she would disappear from his room like a ghost, an apparition, one that, he was beginning to wonder, was even there in the first place...
But what he didn't see was her tears every time she would leave, what he didn't hear was her whisper "I love you, too." before vanishing into the night.
"I almost told him one night." she said, guilt lacing her voice. "But something happened... and I never got the chance."
She was eating dinner one night with Freddie and his mom, when she felt another wave of nausea hit her. Sam sprinted to the bathroom and emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet.
"How far along are you, Sam?" - no further clarification was needed...
She looked up at Marissa, not seeing the anger she expected, "I ... I'm not sure." she replied, a bit surprised that Freddie's mother had shown up so quickly... but she suspected that Mrs. Benson had known for a while. "Please, Mrs. Benson, don't tell Freddie." And maybe it was the fear in Sam's eyes, maybe it was the pleading desperation in her voice, but Marissa only nodded.
"But she told him anyway... It's not like I expected anything different from her. But I was hoping." Sam sighed and ran a nervous hand through her hair, "That's when things started to spiral out of control..."
"You said you had it covered, Sam!" Freddie shouted. "You said we didn't need protection! You said-"
"I know what I said!" Sam interrupted in a fury. "I lied, okay?"
Freddie's face paled as guilt gripped him. "What? Why?" he asked, his voice shaken. "Because you're leaving, Freddie." she snapped. "You'll be going off to your fancy college and I'll be stuck here in Seattle... alone."
"Sam?"
"Look, if I didn't lie to you then you would've said 'no', and..."
she trailed off as sorrow overtook her anger. "...I couldn't let you go without... without you knowing that... I-"
"But I still couldn't tell him. So I did one of the only two things I seem to be good at... I just got angrier."
Freddie approached her and wrapped his arms around her trying to be as comforting as possible. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead and whispered into her ear. "It'll be okay, Sam. I love you... And I'll stay... here, with you, and raise our baby."
"No, Freddie." she said, pushing him away. "I'm not going to become some burden to you, some fucking responsibility." she yelled. Suddenly, her worst fears were coming true. She never wanted to need someone, she never wanted to be the reason that someone gave up their life... their dreams, their future.
"Sam, that's not what I meant." Freddie pleaded.
"I think some part of me knew that, but some other part... I don't know... It wouldn't let me."
"Then what did you mean, Freddie?" she shouted, her voice carrying through the apartment and down the halls, but she didn't care. He opened his mouth to speak, to explain, but she cut him off. "Don't bother!" she snapped. "I'll take care of it."
Sam began to whimper as the skies began to open up, a cold, wind whipped drizzle falling lightly, the chilled moisture doing nothing to soothe her aching heart. "I was... I was so scared." she choked out through strangled breath. "What would our parents think? What would our friends think?"
"Sam!" Freddie called down the hallway. "Please just talk to me!" But she was too fast... "Where are you going?"
"I told you I'm going to handle it!"
"We were barely out of high school." Sam cried, "How were we supposed to raise a child? We didn't have jobs, we didn't have money... we didn't..."
"Are you sure about this Ms. Puckett?"
Sam dropped to her knees, her sorrow finally overcoming her. She'd let entire cities burn for one last chance to make things right... one last chance to give a different answer... one last chance to take it back...
"Yes."
"I didn't know what else to do..." she sobbed, "I was sure, at the time, I'd made the right decision but now... I'd give anything to change what happened that day..."
Sam stayed away for weeks, coming to grips with what had transpired... Freddie sent countless texts, left countless voicemails, but they all fell on blind eyes and deaf ears. Never in his young life had he been so worried, nor had he been more relieved when she finally crawled in through his window.
"But it was already too late... and there was only one thing left to do..."
"Jesus, Sam," Freddie spat with a mix of desperation and anxiety, "where have you been?" He jumped from his bed and rushed to embrace her, but she kept him away. She didn't feel like she deserved the comfort he could provide. "I told you, Freddie... I took care of it."
He shook his head in confusion... he still didn't understand... "W-what?" But what worried him the most was that she wouldn't meet his eyes with hers...
"I just couldn't look at him..." Tears were now streaming, unabated, down her face, mixing with the gently falling rain, before plummeting to the damp ground below.
"You don't have to worry about me ruining your future, Freddie." she said with no inflection even as her eyes began to mist.
"Sam?" he asked cautiously. "What are you..."
A single, silent tear slipped from her eyes, and through choked breath, she told him, "I'm not pregnant anymore..."
She was openly weeping now, unconcerned with the strangers now gawking at her. "I'm so sorry. I... I..."
But it was on that day, in that moment, when she finally looked up into his eyes, that her heart had begun to bleed. His face had paled as the gears of his mind had clicked into place... he knew...
"Then I did the only other thing I knew how to do..." she choked out. The rain was beginning to fall harder now, seeping through her coat and causing her to shiver.
By the time Freddie had recovered... she wasn't there, she had fled without a sound. "Sam!" he shouted through the open window. "SAM!" But it was too late... she was gone...
That was nearly eleven months ago...
The young blonde took several deep, calming breaths and looked around Washington Memorial Park and through the rain still falling, she could see the small crowds of people beginning to disperse. With a trembling hand she reached out and wiped the wind strewn leaves away from the small headstone.
Lacie Marie Puckett-Benson. August 27, 2012.
"You know, my shrink said that if I named you, and had a small funeral for you, that maybe it would help me to move on... to finally start to heal." she said, smiling fondly through the moisture on her cheeks at her daughter's name carved finely in to the granite stone. "When I left Planned Parenthood that day, I was sure I was making the right decision, but all I've felt since then is regret, remorse... empty."
Sam averted her eyes, ashamed.
"I just wish that there was some way to know if you forgive me." She sniffled slightly. "I wish there was some way to know if I'll ever truly be myself again... Like some kind of signal, some kind of sign, some kind of-"
Suddenly the rain falling on her had stopped, the sound of it tapping the leaves replaced by the pitter-patter of droplets hitting fabric, and a voice cut through her darkness. "I thought I'd find you here."
She looked up to the voice, foreign, yet so familiar and comforting, seeing an outstretched hand and a small smile on his lips. "Freddie?" she asked, taking his hand in hers. He only nodded and pulled her to her feet, moving his umbrella to cover them both. "How did you..."
"She'd be one today." he replied by way of an answer. "I was hoping..." he said softly.
She felt a huge weight on her soul as she stared into his deep brown eyes, she wasn't the only one who had lost a child that day... So caught up in her own grief, she didn't think about him, and what he must be feeling... She was so lost in a sea of despair, set adrift and in need of an anchor, there was only ever one person she wanted to turn to. Him.
She wrapped her arms around him, clinging tightly, seeking his strength to help her, to help him, to help them to get through this. "Freddie, I'm so sorry..." she said, not wanting him to see how weak she felt.
He wrapped his coat around her trembling frame and pressed his lips to the top of her head. He could tell she was trying to be strong, trying to keep her emotions buried down deep inside, but he knew that wasn't what she needed. "Sometimes it's okay to cry, Sam... sometimes it's okay to feel vulnerable..." he whispered into her hair.
And, just like that, she finally let go completely. She wept into his chest, her screams muffled by his shirt, her fragile frame shaking uncontrollably from repressed rage, despair, and grief. All Freddie could do was hold her tighter to him and whisper soothing nothings into her ear. Moments passed, her voice carrying above the storm brewing around them and reverberating throughout the rain soaked cemetery... and soon she stilled in his embrace and her unsteady breathing began to return to normal.
And, for her, it was a catharsis to be able to just let out everything she'd kept pent up for so long... a relief, and she felt something she hasn't in nearly a year... better.
She took a deep breath, pulling back to look up into his eyes. "I'm sorry." she told him again. Freddie flashed her a small smile. "It's okay, Sam, I-"
"No, Freddie, it's not!" she snapped. "I killed-"
"Stop!" he said firmly. "Just stop. Please. You can't think like that, Sam." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "But.." she tried, until he interrupted. "I understand, Sam. I do. I know you were scared, I know you thought you didn't have any other options, that having a child so young would've ruined our lives, our future..."
She closed her eyes and pressed her face back into his chest, merely nodding at his assessment before he continued. "But, without you, Sam, I..." he said, his voice trailing off. "What?" was her muffled reply. Freddie sighed, "You'll think it's corny."
She pulled back slightly and looked up at him through her lashes, "Try me."
"I... When I think about my future, Sam... you're always in it."
Sam smiled sweetly at him. Something she hasn't done in longer than she cares to remember... and that's just what she needed to hear, but she couldn't resist. She snorted and returned her head to his chest. "Well, on a scale of zero to corny, that was of average nubbiness, I guess."
They laughed together for a moment until the rain started falling harder and she thought about where they were. "Freddie, can you ever forgive me?" she asked weakly, hopefully. He looked into her eyes and saw the doubt, the anxiety, but his eyes maintained the softness that always reassured her. "Yes."
"But how? I mean after-"
"It's simple, Sam." he interrupted. She looked up at him, confusion laden. If she couldn't forgive herself how could he, she thought. But he leaned down, pressing his lips to her cheek and whispered something into her ear that made her smile, and tension leave her. "C'mon," he told her, pulling back, "let's go home."
"Don't... don't you want to say goodbye to her?" Sam asked hesitantly, motioning to their daughter's headstone. Freddie smiled softly and shook his head. "I already have."
Sam took his arm in hers as they made their way down the tree wrapped pathway, remaining silent for a few moments, before she asked him something she needed to know. "Freddie, how did you get over all of this?"
"I did what you were doing a while ago... I came here and talked to her. Told her about my life, how things were going, what I was doing..." he told her simply, "and about how much I missed her mom." he added with a smile. She grinned lovingly at him for a moment as they drew nearer to the parking lot. "I missed you too... nub."
"Do you think we'll ever see her again someday?"
Freddie nodded firmly. "I do. I think we'll see her again... in another life," he said, flicking his eyes toward the sky, "where we never have to say goodbye."
Freddie walked her to her car where they had agreed to start again, to push through their loss, together... like they had done with everything else. "Freddie?" Sam asked, nervously fidgeting with her keys. "Yeah?"
"Um... can we come back here tomorrow?" Freddie smiled fondly at her before pulling her into his arms and placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. "I'd like that."
As Sam drove behind Freddie on the way to his apartment, a simple but profound thought crossed her mind. Through all of life's twisting and turning, through all the ups and downs, the highs, the lows, the good times and the bad, the ones you love will always be there for you... 'Love', she thinks, a simple concept, but enormously complicated... She knew she still loved him, she just had to find the strength to tell him... and she knew that, one day soon, those words would flow freely from her lips.
And as Freddie's whispered words of forgiveness echo in her mind: I still love you, Sam... And I always will... she knew one last thing that broadened her already bright smile...
Surrounded by the one she loves and the one that loves her just a fiercely... life will find a way to give her a second chance...
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a/n: like i said, i wrote that way back in the day so, while it's not my best, it was still okay, i think... but that's not really my call is it?
Okay, that's it... Peace Out.