"I think it's time I let you go... and that is hard to do because part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life."

Disclaimer: I don't own Mai HiME.

Beta: Ivy Rose Thorn

One Day

Light melts into shadow, the sky pours into a waterfall. I stand in the middle of it and run. Walking aimlessly through the dead streets of this city, I cannot break through the silence that is engulfing me. At night, when the rain comes down to gently touch the earth for a split second before getting washed away in the next, the lights paint the sky orange. The sound of the drops hitting the pavement fills the air and let the usual raging roads freeze in peace. I am alone while I walk these empty streets. It's like a dream, only that I do not wake up. I like this dream. I like the silence. The rain in my face and the wind on my back, it brings back memories…

I had a really nice umbrella once. I loved it and carried it with me in case of rain almost every day. Sometimes, even when it didn't look like rain at all. The umbrella was pretty to look at and very stable. It was my private shelter from storm and rain. Precipitate. One day, I was out with my friends and I lay down that umbrella, for not having to hold it in my hands all the time. Later on that night when I lay in my bed, I noticed that I had gone home without my umbrella. I was tired and decided to look for it on the next day. It was not the first time that I had forgotten it somewhere. I've always managed to fetch it on time. In the morning, I had little time and forgot about it again, 'til I was lying in bed at night. This cycle went on for a few days. And one day, it suddenly started to rain. I ran to the spot where I had forgotten my umbrella, but it was nowhere to be found. After a few minutes, I stopped looking for it for I knew it was gone. Some years have passed since that day but a few weeks ago I saw someone in the city with an umbrella that looked exactly like mine. I was standing there soaked and couldn't help but ask myself what had become of my umbrella. Questions like: If someone else is maybe using and appreciating it every now and then when the sky is covered in endless shades of gray?

I've learned that we should cherish the things that seem like a given to us at all times. Not only when we need them cause we usually tend to remember too late to be thankful about the small things. The things that are valuable and mean so much to us. I know it sounds strange coming from me but I do understand that they are precious. Not only when we need them, but especially when we feel like having them around us feels natural... That we should remember them even if we're busy with ourselves. We should take the time to worry about it and make sure that we don't forget with time. Even now, when the rain whips my face with its cold drops adamantly, I sometimes think of this umbrella… It still hurts, but this is the only way I feel alive anymore. This way I feel at least anything.

When I exchange my wet clothes in my apartment against my dry sleeping shirt, I realize how dirty my windows are. Have you ever really tried to look through dirty windows, to take a picture of the world reflecting in a puddle or ever looked at the sun underwater? I did. I still do. They show me the real world and yet it feels like a dream. As often as possible I try to live in this limbo. I commute back and forth, from one perspective to another without even noticing when reality slips away from time to time. The road, which is visible from my window, is besieged by parked cars. The dirt on the window concealed most of my sight. The stains of my soul have laid themselves upon my eyes to show me how blurry this world has become. Glass makes you an observer. You can look outside or you look inside. Depending on which side you're standing. It makes concrete walls transparent. And here I am asking myself what if my soul has no windows? Would you still try to see right through me?

"I can't feel the same about you anymore." were the only words I could say to you after the events of the carnival that had cut the bond between us. " Maybe one day…" Your reply was just as short, your voice just as broken. "Maybe…" The conversation was full of emotion and yet distant. I couldn't even look into your deep red eyes when I muttered the supposedly lie. Friendship shouldn't end with the word 'maybe' and love shouldn't start with it either, but in the end there was too much of 'maybe' and 'perhaps' in our relationship to fight. My voice was strong; stronger than my heart could ever be. It took me a long time to realize that it was not about fighting but about admitting. I've failed you many times since then and you've done so much more than waiting and loving me unconditionally. You've held yourself back to a point where you stopped being yourself and I was too preoccupied and selfish to notice. It's new to me to be the one who has to apologize. It frightens me to know that I have to make you fall in love with me all over again.

It's funny that such a simple system consisting of 26 letters allows me to show you the depths of my heart and mind. Various combinations of invisible emotions worded and written onto a blank piece of paper. I've pondered at what I could possibly write you after all this time. Our last encounter wasn't as expected, was it? At least not for me. Full of myself, I thought I just have to walk over and tell you that I am ready to try. That you have waited long enough, that you're from now on allowed near to me but things had changed and I was too blind to notice sooner.

"Do you think there is a chance?" Your tone was insecure and soft as you voiced your thoughts in that alluring Kyoto-ben. I wanted to let you dangle just a little longer as I was phrasing my words with caution. I believe it was that little bit that crushed my world in the end. Why do humans always want more? Just yesterday I saw this documentary about the Golden Gate Bridge. I couldn't stop wondering… Why do we build the biggest bridge on earth in a place where it is so often hidden in mist? Does it make it more special? Is the Golden Gate really the gate to salvation? Is it the feeling that everything beautiful is too far away. Almost not existing? They said that most jumpers have their back turned on the city. They end their lives facing the sea. They probably don't want to see what they can't endure, only the sky and the ocean melted to a pit of azure. They are probably longing to fly far away but even if they don't, there's no way back once you've let go. Many people jump because they don't see a reason in living. That's the paradox when it comes to love. It can provide you a fulfilled life or it can be the reason to end it. And when they finally become one with their azure dreams, they don't have to bother about anything anymore… Don't you think it's odd that something so soft like water becomes as hard as concrete after you've wandered through the Golden Gate?

Sorry, I got carried away… Where was I? Ah right, we were sitting at cliffs, watching the sun sink into the endless blue of the ocean while I was about to finally tell you my real feelings towards you.

"I'm sorry but my answer is still the same. I can't feel the same about you anymore." was my cocky response to your question as we were sitting on the cliffs, talking about relationships and love all over again. It should only be a prelude but you fell silent in an instant. I looked your face as it was focusing the waves crushing against the rocks. I remember the glance in your beautiful crimson eyes and back then your silence only made me want you even more... But in only a blink of an eye everything fell apart. We both started to speak at the same moment and I'm still wondering if me speaking first would have changed anything. But I wanted the surprise to be perfect, to blow you off your feet and so I let you word your thoughts first. "Thank you for reassuring me once more, Natsuki. I will go to and try my luck with Masashi then." It took me awhile to grab the meaning of your words; to realize that you haven't been talking about me at all. You had met this handsome young man, while I was on a jolly journey to clear my mind all over again. And while I found my love for you, you lost yours for me. But you were polite enough not to rub it into my face when I came back. If I had paid attention to your words and actions, I could have probably figured it out myself. But I was used to be your most important person, to be the person you loved without doubt. I sucked your love for me out of your body and blew it into the cool night air. Well, you can't throw the rain back into the sky. I know this by now. "I am glad then that Natsuki has made herself clear once more. I was a bit afraid that you might be mad at me dating that man." Thinking of your words still makes my heart crumble in pain, but I want to give it one more try. I'm still holding on to our secret promise. 'One Day'… I mean, one day can be any day, right? Maybe this wasn't our day, maybe it still has to come. Maybe… I am getting tired of those overused words but in the end, it's all I have. I've searched for failure in your words; I've waited for a flaw in your smile. But none of it happened. It was true. You really meant what you've said and it shattered my world. "What was it that Natsuki wanted to say?" You still haven't gotten an answer to that question. And I thought it's at least fair to let you know now, even if it is much too late. It was always too late but time doesn't matter when the date of destination is set to 'one day'.

I know that I've turned you down but that doesn't mean that I didn't love you. I was just too afraid to admit that I am indeed capable of such feelings. I love you and for I am finding out that I am not as generous as you, this is my way of letting go. If I would try to be myself around you, I would only be in the way. You always said I should stop being a stranger… Don't you understand that I have to be a stranger, that I have to stop caring cause I would continue wanting you all for myself and that's not right. You deserve happiness, too. And I won't destroy any chances you get. So, this is me letting you be happy. But it hurts. It hurts to see that you're happy with someone other than me… So selfish, I know, but that's how I feel. That's what my selfish feelings tell me. I've always wanted you all for myself but it didn't happen and when you started loving me, I was simply stupid enough to let you slip away. We've always missed each other. As if we would live in different worlds and somehow we do. We pushed and pulled but never in the same direction. I would give everything to change this one moment… No, to change so many moments. But sometimes everything is too much… and at the same time still not enough.

"Mommy, is daddy ready yet?" A young girl with light brown hair and brown eyes was sitting on the kitchen table inside a perfectly normal single-family home. She was munching her breakfast as she let her feet swing back and forth while eying her mother, who was busy feeding a white Labrador. "I don't know, sweetheart. Let me just finish feeding Duran before I go looking for daddy." The woman with crimson eyes and chestnut hair was smiling at the little one in delight before she turned to look outside the window in search for her husband. Tilting her head to the left as much as she could, she was able to see his back near the front door, probably checking the mailbox.

"Masashi-darling, your daughter is waiting for you to take her to school."

The man with short jet-black hair hastily fumbled the letter back into the envelope that was addressed to his wife. He knew that it wasn't right to open the mail of Shizuru but the name of the sender had glued him to the spot when he emptied the postbox on this Thursday morning. His eyes frantically searched for his wife but she was nowhere to be seen. He figured that she must be calling him from inside the house and so he answered her question as composed as possible for not raising any suspicions with the tone of his voice.

"I'm just fetching the mail, honey. I'll be there in a sec." Once more making sure that he was unobserved, he took out the letter again to read it to the very end before ripping it to pieces and throwing it into the ashtray next to the entrance.

You know what, Shizuru… I've made up my mind for I've found out that there's no point in living if you can't feel the life. I realized that my heart can only beat next to yours, so for one last time, I want to give it a try. I guess this is our last chance…

One day to alter our lives. Why not making today that day? Meet me at the cliffs tonight. I'll be there waiting for you… for now and ever. But please, don't be afraid to turn me down. I've made my peace with the world. I am ready to be with you but I am also ready to be with my mother and Duran. If not tonight, I'm sure one day, beyond the horizon (wherever this might be) we'll see each other again and make the best of it.

One day can change everything and nothing at the same time.

Finally and forever yours,

Natsuki