It took months for Mara to heal from the dispersal, and as she hitchhiked out of Mexico and through the U.S.A. she kicked her own ass unendlingly.
That she had knelt there in the dirt like a dog as her own mother, pretending to want to 'help' her had dispersed her- ripping her apart cell by cell in an agonizing process that left each charred molecule to travel through the air to her mother's old lab in Mexico, where she took six weeks to even learn to walk again- that was her own stupidity.
But Charlotte had done it for a reason, Mara was sure of it. To get her out of the way so she could do something worse. Something she knew Mara would stop.
As the trucker she was riding with passed into Maine, Mara pulled out her cheap cell phone, dialing the Haven P.D. with dread twisting her stomach. Her skin was still hugely oversensitive, and she was honestly a little worried it wasn't going to go away.
But on the plus side, she'd managed to find at least one open Thinny, so her duffle bag that was full of thrift store clothes and sketchbooks also had several pouches of Aether in it. Mara was taking a cue from the Boy Scouts- she was going in prepared this time.
"Haven Police Department, how may I direct your call?"
"Yeah, Audrey Parker, please."
The dispatcher's voice was edged in sadness, as she said, "I'm sorry, Detective Parker is no longer with us."
"What? Where'd she go? Don't tell me she got a better job offer."
"Oh dear, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but she passed on. She's dead. Is there anyone else who could help you?"
Someone had sucked all the air out of the truck. Mara sat up, pulling her feet off the dash as pain, both emotional and physical, ripped through her chest.
"Is Nathan alive?" The plea is barely a whisper.
"Oh sure, hon. Did you want to talk to him?"
"No, no. Is Dwight still the chief?"
"Yes he is, but he's on vacation with his daughter at the moment. Are you sure you don't want Nathan?"
She considered it briefly, but he wasn't the one to talk to. Not yet.
"Maybe in a second. Can you tell me why I'm not getting an answer at the Herald?" Her heart was pounding, and she felt panic and dread filling her chest.
"Oh my. I'm sorry, but the Teagues' brothers passed on as well."
It was like a punch to the gut. Both of them gone?
"I just have two more questions, please. Is Charlotte Cross still in town?"
"No, I'm very sorry, she passed on as well."
Good. She thought, though a spasm still shot through her heart.
"Okay, one more and I'll stop interrupting your day. Where is Duke Crocker?"
"Oh hon, I'm sorry, but Duke is gone."
The world spun and Mara choked on a sob, unable to speak as she shut the phone off.
"Hey, what's the matter, gorgeous?"
"Pull over, I need to be sick."
It didn't matter how pervy a trucker was or how hot he thought the girl was, when a man heard a woman was about to puke, they pulled the hell over.
She grabbed her bag on the way out of the truck, just in case her ride decided to leave her, and she jumped out, vomiting spectacularly on the side of the road. As she was sick, she was surprised to hear the engine stay idling, her ride staying with her. She finally stood, shaking madly as she climbed back into the truck, grabbing her water to rinse her mouth and shoving a stick of gum in her mouth, resting her head back as he started driving again.
"You okay, lady?" His voice was surprisingly gentle. Maybe he was a decent guy after all.
She thought about it. "No. Not really. I'm like the dinosaur on that weird adult kid's book- 'All My Friends Are Dead'." She took a deep, shuddering breath and reached into her bag for a pain pill. They didn't help, not nearly enough, but she'd take what she could get.
"Hey, I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?"
"Thank you, but no. I'm still trying to figure out what I can do. If you can get me as close to Haven as possible, it would be a big help."
"Sure sweetheart."
A brief memory, Duke sarcastically calling her 'sweetheart'. She closed her eyes against the tears and rested her head back, just waiting to get home.
He dropped her off a few blocks from Gloria's office, and Mara considered her options. If she could get the doctor to listen to her, her changes of success were a lot higher. With an exhausted sigh, she headed for Gloria's, hoping like hell she was in. Hoping she was alive.
She bypassed reception, her duffle over her shoulder as she headed straight for the ME's office. She looked different enough that nobody would ask questions if they didn't look too close. Somehow the dispersal had reset her, making her look more like she had before the stupid Barn. Her hair fell in cinnamon ringlets to her hips and she was smaller- at least 4 inches and 20 pounds smaller than she had been, than Audrey was- because Audrey wasn't dead. She couldn't be dead. Mara had failed so many people, she wasn't going to fail again.
She knocked on Gloria's office door, holding her breath until she heard that familiar voice. Thank goodness for small favors.
Her face was down, and Gloria didn't recognize her. "What can I do for you? You don't exactly look like you're in the right place. All you'll find here is dead people, kid."
"That's all I'm looking for," Mara replied, looking up with blue eyes, Audrey's eyes; "I'm looking for dead people, Gloria."
Gloria froze, squinting. "Who are you? I know your voice, but you can't be- you don't look like-"
"Mara. And don't worry. I'm not here to hurt anyone. I fell for one of Charlotte's lies, but I've been paying, Gloria. Every day I've been paying. I just want to bring Audrey back, and I have to find a way to bring Duke back."
Gloria melted, coming over with opened arms. Mara held a hand up, shaking her head. "I'm sorry. I want to. I can't tell you how much I want a hug. Can I put my bag on this table?"
"Sure, kiddo."
Mara set the bag down and slowly, every movement stiff, she pulled off the soft cardigan she was wearing over her cotton tank top. She heard Gloria's shocked inhalation as the shiny, scarred burns were revealed.
"Dear god, how far do the burns go?"
"Everywhere but my hands, feet and face. I healed what I could when I was on my way here, but I think this is me from now on. My exterior finally matches my interior."
She twisted a little to lay the sweater down and Gloria reached for her chair in mute shock, sitting before she fell. "How far along are you?"
"26 weeks."
"Is it-"
"Duke's. Yeah." She bit her lip trying to control her breathing.
"Oh kitten, I'm so sorry." Gloria came and touched her hand. A tear rolled down Mara's cheek and she squeezed Gloria's hand, desperate for touch.
"I'm the one who's sorry. If I hadn't fallen for it and let my mother take me out of the picture, I could have prevented all of this. They're all dead because of me, Gloria." The tears flowed faster and she was gasping. "Vince and Dave, Duke and Audrey. It was all for nothing, Gloria. All for nothing! I can't. I can't. I have to fix this."
"Mara, honey, I wish there was a way. But I just can't fix dead."
Mara wiped her eyes, though the tears kept falling. "Did Audrey die, Gloria? Was her body killed or was she somehow overwritten? Please, I don't know who else to ask."
Gloria pulled a bottle of bourbon from under her desk, pouring herself a small drink. Mara stopped her as she was closing it. "Please? It won't hurt the baby. My placenta works better than a humans."
Nodding her understanding, Gloria grabbed a coffee cup and poured Mara a generous amount. They moved chair so they could sit next to each other. Lip quivering, Mara said, "A toast. To the death of Charlotte Fucking Cross, and to our friends."
Gloria tapped her cup against Mara's and they both drank. Gloria took a deep breath.
"Audrey went into the Barn, So did Vince and your father. Audrey came back, but it's not her anymore. This one's name is Paige. A teacher, if I recall. She has a little baby boy. His name is James."
The first glimmer of hope stirred in Mara. She reached out to grab Gloria's hand, tense and urgent. "If she's back, if her body is back, then Audrey can be brought back. Just like I was, Gloria. Audrey is the original in that body now that we're split."
"Nathan's tried, sweetie. She doesn't seem to have any memory. They're spending a lot of time together, but she's still not Audrey."
"Nathan isn't me. Look how long it took me to break through, and most of that was because of William, and because I was already so unhappy. She's not a quitter."
"You think she can come back?"
I know she can. That's her body. No fake personality is strong enough if she fights and she has help. But Gloria, why did she go into the Barn? Good god, why did they even build another Barn? It's not like they didn't know what it was for!"
"So the Void wouldn't take over this world. To stop the Troubles, to save Haven."
Mara closed her eyes and shook her head. Stupid, brave idiot. "They convinced her she had to. I have to bring her back. She has James? That's good. I blamed myself for his death for so long. I knew that if he'd just been born to Audrey instead of me- well, Sarah at the time, but to hell with the name, it was still me- he would have had a full life. A good life, full of love. But he needs to be Audrey's. She was the right mother. Not another fake."
"Honey, he didn't die because of you."
"But I didn't keep him alive. I failed him. Once Audrey is back- she will be, don't look at me like that- she'll be a good mom."
She wiped her face dry, the warmth of the bourbon spreading through her chest. Liquid courage. Yet her voice was still a whisper. "How did Duke die?"
Gloria covered her mouth with a shaking hand. "He was afraid. He didn't want Croatoan to use him, to use all the Troubles in him. He begged Nathan to kill him. Nathan did."
Mara's chest and shoulders shook as she fought a losing battle with the tears. "That goddamned Guard tattoo that he was so afraid of. Nathan only got it out of spite." She curled around her belly, hugging herself as she cried; hoarse, heartbroken sobs that tore through her body. "Poor Nathan. Oh god, poor Nathan. Duke must have been so afraid. I should have been here. I let her fool me, and they died because of it."
Gloria's arms twitched like her wanted to hold Mara, and Mara wanted to be held. But she couldn't. Not just because of the pain. No, Mara owned the pain, she knew she deserved it. She didn't deserve comforting arms, either, not until she fixed this.
Finally catching her breath, she wiped her eyes. "What's happening to the Gull and the Rouge?"
"He left me the boat, Nathan got the Gull."
"I'll buy it from you. Whatever you want for it. I won't haggle, just name the price."
"Mara, that's his baby. The boat is yours. I don't want it." She got up and dug Duke's keys out of her purse, along with an envelope. Gloria handed her both. "I don't know if you've got an ID set up yet, you can keep it in my name as long as you want. His car is there too, the title to both the car and boat are in the envelope. Keys are on the ring."
"I'm going to pay you back." She hugged the keys like she was somehow hugging Duke.
"Just have a healthy baby. I don't want your money. If anyone can bring Audrey back, I guess it's you."
Mara still couldn't smile- was unsure she'd ever smile again- as she replied, "And when I do, I'm going to kick her ass for going into that Barn."
Gloria held her cup up and they toasted again before Mara threw the drink back. "I'm going to go to the Rouge and try to set up a place to stay. Until he comes back for it." She wrote a number on a piece of paper and handed it to Gloria. "This is my phone number. Once I'm settled, I need to go find this new girl and see how far down Audrey is. But I will fix her. Don't doubt that."
Gloria stood next to Mara, running a hand over her hair. "I'm here for you when you need me, don't hesitate to ask for anything at all. I mean it."
Mara nodded, but paused for a moment. "Can you get stronger pain meds than I have? I can't see an actual doctor, and the only thing I could get my hands on was Vicodin. I don't think I have to tell you how useless it is for burns."
Gloria nodded. "That I can do. This place isn't all that careful with the drugs. You said the booze was okay, can you take Dilaudid?"
Mara nodded, shoving the sweater and envelope into her bag and Gloria left the office, coming back with a bottle of pills that Mara stuffed gratefully into her bag. "Thank you, Gloria."
"You're welcome, sweetheart. I believe in you." Gloria was obviously losing the battle with her tears as she stroked Mara's hair again. "Find him. If I can help, you just say so."
"Once I settle in, I need to go looking for Paige. I have to bring Audrey back. Nathan will be tearing himself apart. If you hear anything important, call."
"I promise. It's going to be okay, Mara. Just think of the baby. You can do anything, right?"
Mara stopped with her hand on the door, looking back over her shoulder. "Except for show up on time, Doc."
She took her bag and left without looking back.
She walked all the way to the docks, not bothering with the sweater. The cloth hurt as much as the sun and the breeze. This was her life now, like Nathan and Jordan, stuck in a body that hated her and refused to work correctly. Pain was her constant companion. At least she wasn't totally alone.
Her heart fluttered like hummingbird wings as she approached the Rouge. Part of her kept expecting to see Duke there on the deck, reading the paper.
But the deck was empty, and Mara walked to the door, exhausted as she pulled out the key and unlocked the door, letting herself in. She relocked it, walking into the living room. Just the sight and smell of the ship make her chest ache. She made her way back to the bedroom, taking two dilaudid and carefully lying on the bed so she could cry in peace, surrounded with the smell of the man she loved. She removed her tank top and slipped on a looser silk chemise, trying to give her body a little chance to breathe after the long weeks of travel.
Surrounded by Duke's things, the smell of him, it made her feel better, almost safe and normal. Here in the quiet, the scars didn't matter. The pain didn't matter. She was at home, her child as close to their father as they'd been since before she'd found she was pregnant. She lay sprawled across his bed, closing her eyes as she laid a hand on her belly, feeling the rapid movements that felt more like an octopus than a person.
Here she could pretend that everything hadn't gone completely off the rails. She had gotten to Haven, and sure they were surprised to see her- they didn't know she was alive. Maybe they were a little disturbed by her appearance- they'd love that Nathan could tell her from Audrey. In her fantasies, they'd realized that Charlotte was the enemy and that Mara had just been trying to help, even though she wasn't as sweet and understandable as Audrey. They'd be happy to see her.
Duke would have been stunned by her pregnancy, but the secret inner baby-lover in him would be excited. Maybe he'd even want to try dating her. It didn't matter, he would be here for her to look at and love even if she couldn't touch him.
None of that had happened. They had the nerve to tell her Audrey was dead- the personality who won, who they all loved better than the original, who had fought and clawed her way around Mara, making herself free and whole in the process- had been overwritten. That alone made everything, absolutely everything pointless. The whole idea was that Audrey had earned her freedom from Mara, had made her own body and life- she was free of the Barn and the personalities.
So hearing that she was overwritten when Mara was actually looking forward to seeing her and getting to know her as her own person... it had been worse thinking she was actually dead, but still, Mara wondered what she'd have to do to get Audrey back. Would Nathan want to help her, or could be possibly be okay accepting Paige as a substitute? No. No way. Nathan had learned enough from his time with Sarah- with Mara- to know they weren't interchangeable. He had to know that Audrey was trapped in there, begging for help.
The question was, did they- or just Nathan, she supposed, with all their friends gone- did Nathan know that Charlotte was the real monster here? Would he want to see Mara, would he trust her to get Audrey back?
She wasn't ready to contact him to find out.
She rolled slowly to her side, tucking one pillow under her head and hugging the other to her chest, and she tried to make a plan as she cried.
After resting for an hour, she redressed in the softest cotton pants and tank top she owned, a thin cotton cardigan over that. She'd gotten enough stares and uncomfortable encounters over the last few thousand miles. She hid as much skin as possible without causing herself too much extra pain, but she still wished she could leave her arms bare. Even soft cloth was miserable. At least she'd been able to heal her face.
She brushed out her long hair, leaving it glimmering in soft curls down her back. She put her cell phone, pills, one of the pouches of orbs and her keys in her pocket, locking up behind her. She got into Duke's Land Rover, feeling oddly like she was stealing or taking his car joyriding. She was going to go look for Paige, intent on finding out how deep Audrey was and how much work it would take to excavate her.
Mara parked in front of the Herald, taking a minute to look at the empty building and remember the fights and laughter and tears. She never got to say goodbye.
With a deep sigh, she turned and started stroll down the sidewalk, peering into businesses as she went. Where would she go if she were Audrey? Especially with a kid and a brand new identity?
Sudden inspiration struck and she headed for the coffee shop, figuring even if she didn't find her there, she'd be sure to overhear some gossip. She opened the door and her eyes flicked directly to the woman leaning over a book, a baby in a stroller next to her as she sipped coffee.
Mara walked slowly to the table, missing Audrey's golden hair.
"Is this seat taken?" Mara asked politely.
The girl put her book down, a friendly smile on her face. "No, please sit. I just needed to get out for awhile. I don't know many people here yet. I'm Paige, it's nice to meet you-"
Mara eyed her carefully, looking for any trace of how far buried Audrey was. The personalities never died, she knew that. Assimilated, but never died. She carefully reached across, taking the familiar hand in her own and shaking gently. The second real contact she'd had with another person in months- her mother had been the last one to touch her before Mara's body became this agonizing prison. As she shook the offered hand, her sleeve slid up, revealing the ugly, shiny burn scars. Mara wondered if Paige would notice. Audrey would have, "I'm Mara. Nice to meet you. You need a refill on your coffee?"
Her familiar eyes widened in shock. "Are you alright? I'm sorry if I'm being rude, but how did you get hurt? Oh, and sure, more coffee would be nice. I kind of hit my afternoon slump about now, and my son's going through a phase where he'll only nap in the stroller. Thank you so much."
Mara nodded, going to grab Paige more coffee, exactly the way she liked it and brought it back to the table, setting it down before she took the seat across from her. "Work-related accident. Got doused in acid. most of my body is like this. I'm getting used to it. You been in town long?"
Paige looked stunned. "Work-related accident? What do you do for a living? I can't imagine having to go to work afraid of something like that. I've only been here a couple of weeks. Still looking for a job."
"I used to be in private security." Mara slowly eased her soft cardigan off, revealing the shiny red burn scars that covered her arms and shoulders. "Everything but my hands, feet and face. I'm adjusting. How old is your son? He's cute."
Paige went pale, but kept her expression friendly. "Private security? Did someone you were protecting get attacked or was it an accident? I mean, if I'm being too nosy, it's fine to say so." She smiled lovingly at the baby napping in the stroller. "He's almost 7 months; between teething and colic, he doesn't get much sleep. So of course, neither do I."
Mara laughed softly. "I was attacked so they could get to the people I was guarding. I lost almost everyone." She blinked and a couple of tears seeped out. She wiped her eyes quickly. "I'm pregnant. About 26 weeks. What do you do for a living?" She couldn't believe after everything that she found herself in William's position, trying to bring up another personality. But if they were going to disperse her and send her away, desecrate her body like this, then she had to at least save Audrey or it was all for nothing. And she would save Duke no matter what. She wouldn't live in a world without him.
Paige nodded, looking sad for her. "So, 26 weeks- do you know what you're having?"
"No, I don't know what I'm having. I wanted the father with me when I found out. I may just be surprised. I'm just lucky the baby survived the attack. I've been away from home for awhile. Not many... friendly faces left." She swallowed hard, reaching into her pocket to take a pain pill dry. She didn't have the cash on hand for a drink. She still had to find her money.
Paige nodded seriously. "It's hard being the new girl in such a small community.
Mara nodded. "I know the feeling. I've been on my own awhile,it would be nice to have a friend again. Hey, do you happen to know a cop in town named Nathan?"
"I do, he's actually one of the first people I met. He helped me with my car when I came into down. He's really nice." She looked so much like Audrey for a moment that it was hard to breathe.
Mara's heart twisted. She wanted to reach out and shake her, to drag Audrey back, kicking and screaming if she had to. "I used to know him once. I was in love with his best friend Duke. He ever mention Duke to you?" She wiped at her eyes again, looking at the baby.
"Not to me, but I've seen a few pictures and heard him mention that name to other people."
Mara bit her lip, wiping continuously at her eyes. "He's my baby's father. Duke, I mean. I haven't told Nathan I'm here, so I'd appreciate it if you don't mention it. I want to try and... I don't know. Fix everything that broke after I got hurt."
Paige reached into her diaper bag, handing Mara a tissue, murmuring, "I'm so sorry for your loss."
Mara silently promised Audrey she would bring her back. "You look so much like my sister Audrey. Do they ever mention her? Audrey Parker?"
Paige looked serious. "I've heard a lot about her, from Nathan and everyone else. I saw a picture and thought she looked a lot like me. It seems like she and your Duke were- close friends?"
"They were. He loved her completely." Mara tried to laugh, but it was half a sob, and she wiped her face as the tears rolled down her cheeks again. She thought about what she'd talked to Gloria about. All of this was her fault. She had to make it right, and she had so little time. But now the tears had her and they didn't seem to want to let go. "Sorry, sorry." She gasped. "You must think I'm insane. I just... I lost her and Duke, and it was my fault. It was all my fault and I want to fix it. I want to fix it so bad my insides burn worse than my skin."
Paige reached out to touch Mara's hand. "I'm so sorry, please don't be sad. Did you say she was your sister?
"Yes, she was my sister. I was older, but she was better than me in every way. If I hadn't gotten stupid, if I hadn't trusted the wrong person, she'd still be here. So would Duke. Maybe I should talk to Nathan. Maybe he doesn't hate me as much as I hate myself."
The baby in the stroller awoke with a loud wail, and Paige looked exhausted as she reached to pick him up.
Mara wiped her eyes, staring at the baby. "You said he's teething? Could... could I hold him?" She was eager to know if he would recognize her. She was starting to feel desperate to talk to Nathan. Maybe he would help her.
Paige looked surprised, but gave a friendly smile. "Sure, of course. He's having a hard time between his teeth and his tummy."
Mara held him close, ignoring the pain. When his little hand touched the burned skin on her arm though, flesh to flesh, it didn't hurt. She slowly, carefully pushed bits of her own Aether into him, relieving his pain.
Paige smiled at her. "He's my storm baby. I got stuck during a freak storm, ended up having him at home by myself."
"My first was born at home during a flood. It was terrifying, but later I was glad it was just him and me." She bounced James a little, beeping his nose the way that used to make him smile before she had to give him up.
James giggled when she beeped his nose and Paige grinned Audrey's grin. "You're good with him. It's nice to see him smiling instead of crying."
"Just old habit. It's nice to meet you. I'll give you my phone number. You can call me whenever. I don't really sleep, so if he wakes you up in the night and you want to talk, I'll be here." She programmed her number into Paige's phone and handed it back, beeping Jame's nose once more just to hear him laugh before handing him back to Paige.
"Thank you for that, I don't always get much sleep, and I have strange dreams here sometimes, when they get super realistic I don't sleep all night,"
Mara stood, afraid she'd start crying again if she stayed. "Like I said, call anytime. I don't have any friends here anymore. It would be nice to talk to someone. I've got to head back, my first day back, I'd like to get home before dark. Maybe we can talk soon?"
Paige nodded happily. "I would love that. I'll call you tomorrow. It was nice meeting you, Mara."
"It's great seeing you." Mara said sincerely, already considering how to break Audrey free. She beeped James's nose with a sad smile, holding her sweater in one hand, keys in the other. "Call me anytime." She backed up a few steps before turning to hear for the car, climbing in and driving quickly back to the docks.
She was in, door locked and changed back into the soft, open chemise before the tears caught up to her and she lay on Duke's bed, holding a pillow and facing the door as she felt her heart break all over again. Some small part of her had unrealistically hoped that just seeing Mara would drag Audrey back up. The disappointment was bitter and made her chest ache.
She was still curled on the bed with her face pressed into Duke's pillow when she heard the unmistakable sound of someone moving at the front door. Gloria hadn't called and nobody else knew she was here. Fear instinct roared to life and without even thinking, Mara had opened one of Duke's secret hidey holes, pulling out a gun and moving to the bedroom doorway, aiming at the front door.
She was terrified, and when the door opened- someone had used a key, just like her apparently- she froze when she saw the familiar shape, her heart thudding erratically. When he closed the door and turned around so she could see him, Mara desperately wished she could hug him.
"Nathan?"