i fought the law.
AU. In which Ibiki and Yuugao play good cop/bad cop with the Akatsuki. Sort of.
warnings; alternate universe crack, the death of Real Interrogation Procedures, mockery of Yuugao's hair, an obligatory reference to Ino, the Akatsuki living in a stereotypical group home, the above quote appears nowhere in this although it was supposed to, plain old Yuugao mockery, a Princess Bride reference, and, oh yes, Ibiki and Hidan have very dirty mouths.
Oh. And.
Ibiki may be considered out of character. I don't know. I have a theory that he's a big, sarcastic teddy bear with Kung Fu grip.
Thank you, Richard Gere, for playing Billy Flynn and giving us one of Hidan's phrases.
Yeah, I'm done. It's 2:30 am. Cut me some slack.
Ibiki Morino rubbed his forehead in that way all movie characters do when they're getting a headache - it was doing him no damned good, which only proved that visual entertainment rotted your mind and put your soul on the devil's menu - and, for a fleeting moment, contemplated beating that very head against the nearby wall.
When he realized that he'd probably be sued for damages for the smallest scratch that hideously-green wall obtained, the thought managed to scurry away.
But then again, it might almost be worth it, if he could just give himself a fucking concussion. Did they sue injured cops? Oh, fuck, probably. He should know this shit already, he was well aware, but it had been one of those days, and his IQ had managed to drop fifty-seven points in the past hour.
The day hadn't started off badly, though. Oh, no. It had started off wonderfully, with coffee Anko hadn't made, and no one filing those pesky sexual harassment claims against Genma, and the wonder twins, Izumo and Kotetsu, had disappeared without a trace roughly five minutes after he'd arrived at the station. It had been heavenly, until approximately ten-oh-two, when Aoba walked through the door with a stupid fucking grin on his face and two repeat offenders trailing, cuffed, behind him.
That bitch Yamashiro had the guts to sing the worst thing Ibiki would hear all day. "Morino! I've got Hidan and Deidara here, with a story to tell you! On a note that you'll have to discover the relevancy of, there will be no Christmas shopping at the local mall this season!"
And just like that, Yamashiro shoved the two teenagers into the room, and managed to disappear into absolute thin air, a gift that Ibiki was certain the little asshole did not deserve to possess. If anyone deserved the gift to disappear into thin air, it was probably Izumo and Kotetsu, and that was more because they were annoying out of stupidity, no assholery.
Ibiki had fully intended to shove the job of interrogating the two brats off onto Genma - after all, there might not have been sexual harassment claims yet, but if he wanted Ibiki to smooth over anything else with Suzume, Kurenai, Yuugao, and rest of the women in the precinct, he was going to have to work for it - but, when Ibiki looked up from his desk, Genma had mysteriously vanished as well.
Along with everyone else in the room but Deidara and Hidan.
Which had left Ibiki alone in a room with two grinning juvenile delinquents - juvenile delinquents who he saw every weekend, mind you - and, therefore, with the job of interrogating the two of them.
And that had left him here, an hour later, with a woefully diminished IQ and only the knowledge that Deidara had blown up some portion of some outlet mall, Hidan had egged him on, and Ibiki himself was going to kill Aoba Yamashiro and Genma Shiranui for this.
As he was a cop himself, he was fairly certain he could get away with it.
If not, bribery was always a good tool.
Before he could consider homicide, suicide, or any other form of death for too much longer (or question the loud noises emanating from the interrogation room he'd just left the two brats alone in), his saving grace came sashaying up the hallway in the form of Yuugao Uzuki, who had apparently been unable to hear the whispers of Akatsuki through her way-too-long purple hair.
Ibiki really felt for the woman - if she'd just shaved all that crap off weeks ago, she would have known to run.
However, he didn't feel bad enough for her to not drag her into that room with him. "Uzuki! I need your help in an interrogation. The subjects are," fucking annoying little brats with really good lawyers, "proving to be uncooperative."
Yuugao looked up at him, and he resisted the urge to say target captured. He had an image. "Of course, sir. Although, if you could tell me, before we go in - well, I was just wondering where everybody is."
"Doing a magic trick in which their paycheck disappears." Ibiki didn't realize that he'd spoken out loud until Yuugao gave him an odd look; immediately after that, he gave a fake cough he'd learned from Hayate and gestured towards the door. "Right this way, Uzuki."
She gave him another odd look - woman was so suspicious, sometimes - and pushed the interrogation room door open. To her credit, she only gave Ibiki one dirty look when she realized what she'd been conned into, and then sat down at the table all prim and proper, waiting rather patiently for Hidan and Deidara to cease their sleeve-fight.
"Hey, boys. Why are you here today?"
Deidara shrugged, whacking Hidan in the face once more with the sleeve of his jacket. "Because Hidan coerced me into blowing up that really boring flower show in the mall, yeah, and some of the other places, vendors, and patrons got in the way."
"Like fuck!" Hidan yelled - then again, Ibiki mused as he settled himself against the wall in a hopefully badass pose, that was also quite easily Hidan's normal tone of voice. "Bastard bet me that I couldn't fucking outrun the blast, because he thinks he's cool shit, and the fucker owes me fifty bucks now! Arrest him for fucking welching on a deal, seriously. Thanks for all your goddamned help, I'll just be leaving - "
"Oh, like hell, it totally singed your back, yeah - !"
"Bastard-girly-man! That wasn't part of the fucking deal, I outran that goddamned blast, and now you're going to fucking prison and Pein's going to let me turn your fucking room into a sanctuary for Jashinism - "
"Like hell! Like goddamned hell, yeah!"
"And that," Ibiki told Yuugao, at a decibel level only slightly below that of the shrieking teens, "is what I have been listening to for an hour."
Yuugao was very clearly in over her head, but she did admirably while trying to disguise that. Maybe she'd be up for a promotion before she died, or got pregnant, or something. "I…see. Have their guardians been contacted?"
"Speed dial three, Akatsuki Home. Konan said something about finishing lunch and then coming over."
"Ah. It's been a very…long lunch, hasn't it?"
"I'm pretty sure she's hoping for a shootout that tragically takes both their lives. Good publicity for her and the redhead with the creepy eyes. Could also convince the rest of their demons to behave."
Yuugao nodded slightly, before turning her attention back to Hidan and Deidara, who had somehow managed to make friends again and start up a game of Bloody Knuckles. Hidan was also very obviously winning, and very obviously pleased with that fact.
"Oh, you little bitch, I fucking own your soul - Jashin loves this damn game, I am telling you now - "
"Uh, boys?"
To Yuugao's credit, she apparently had mastered the tone of voice that soothed wild beasts, because, at the very least, Hidan and Deidara glanced away from their game for a moment and settled their eyes on her.
It also could have been because, hey, she had boobs. Who knew.
"You…do realize by now that blowing up family businesses and severely injuring onlookers is…wrong, right?"
Alright, then, hot or not, they were going to eat her alive, and Ibiki was kind of content to just watch.
Deidara dropped Hidan's hand, wiped the back of his own hand off on Hidan's shoulder, took the punch to the face Hidan dished out, and then leaned back, rather infuriatingly, on the back legs of his chair. Ibiki did his best to stomp the floor discreetly, and hope that the vibrations would knock the brat over.
He stopped when Hidan, of all people, began giving him odd looks.
People and their eyes could be assholes.
"You do realize by now that Pein's just going to show up, get us out of trouble, and send us back to the Pit of Despair, right, yeah?" Deidara inquired, voice a mocking, saccharine sweet version of Yuugao's that most certainly did not make Ibiki feel a small measure of glee.
Yuugao didn't answer. She really, really didn't have to.
After all, it was a Wednesday, Shizune's favorite mall for purchasing gifts for underprivileged children had been blown up, and Deidara and Hidan had gone back to their sleeve fight, anyway.
Sneaking as discreetly out of the room as he could, Ibiki grinned to himself and headed off to find the rest of his wayward squad.
Being in charge (and standing out of the line of sight of the poor sap you were cheating) was good.
WHUUUT, I KNOW.
That ending sucked.
But, yeah, I wanted this up. NAOW.
…and I want to write MOAR similar to this, so EXPECT IT, BITCHES.
- conversation hearts.