A/Ns: This is really AU. It does not portray the actual fate of Aleena correctly and fucks with George Lucas's plotlines and characters in all sorts of fun ways. Obi-Wan is so OOC, but I had to commit character assassination on him sometime. But AU is good.

Italics are memories and in third person. Regular type is narration from Obi-Wan's POV.

Warnings: This does portray Obi as the violent drunk he secretly is and does have Obidala. And sex. Lots of sex. Sex is good when mixed with alcohol and violence, am I right people?

I've been watching too much Law & Order: SVU.

Summery: A depressed Obi contemplates parts of his former life as a Jedi and a General. A lost lover, Anakin, Qui-Gon, unstoppable deaths, and how he wound up being a crazy old wizard on Tatooine.

Rating: R for violence (domestic and other), language, possible drug use and sex.

Disclaimer: Obi & Co. and Star Wars aren't mine. They belong to George Lucas. I make no money. At. All. I wish I did, but I don't. If I were making money, I'd be trying on clothes at Hot Topic and Abercrombie & Fitch right about now and spending it on books and movie soundtracks. Instead I'm sitting here at my four-year-old computer writing fanfiction. *one tear* Aleena's mine.

~~~

Part 1: Lost Love

A flash of light. The sharp intake of breath. Sweat glistening off the skin of entwined bodies moving together in a slow rhythm. The sound of quiet moans and silent pleas. All ending abruptly in a single moment of passion.

The aftermath of a shaking female struggling to hold on to her sanity after nearly losing it for the man whom she loves. Two Jedi tormented by the suffering in the world around them. Their heated kisses the only thing keeping them from their impending doom. Sprawled out in sweet surrender basking in a tranquil afterglow, holding onto one another in fear of losing the other.

So in love it hurts them both to be in sight of the other.

The sounds of heels clicking hurriedly on the tile floors of the Temple hallway and the of the door being opened were oblivious to Obi-Wan Kenobi as he lay on the floor, passed-out and surrounded by empty bottles of alcoholic beverages. So was the sound of a female sighing as she sat down beside his still body and shook her head.

"Not again, Obi-Wan…" the woman murmured, hugging Obi-Wan's head to her chest tightly.

"Mistress Tarlana?" a voice asked from behind her. The woman turned and saw the figure of Padme Amidala in the doorframe.

"Yes, M'lady?" the woman sighed.

"Aleena…" Padme said, rushing to Obi-Wan's side. "Was he drinking again?"

"I'm afraid so," Aleena Tarlana replied heavily. "Passed-out."

"It's a shame," Padme said. "Ever since we lost Anakin, it's been the same. Every night he drinks until he passes out cold and every morning he wakes up hung-over. We both know he's had a serious case of depression for the past few months, and I know you remember those times when he tried to kill himself."

"I know, Padme…." Aleena sighed. Padme looked up briefly. She knew Aleena was dangerously in love with Obi-Wan, and she knew that this saddened her deeply. However, she herself was carrying similar feelings, and had been since the day she had met Obi-Wan. "I wish he wouldn't do this. He's going to get himself expelled."

Padme nodded solemnly as the two lifted up Obi-Wan and set him onto his bed. "I'll stay with him tonight if you want," she offered. Aleena shook her head.

"I'll do it," Aleena replied. Padme nodded and left the room without another word. Aleena sat down next to Obi-Wan on his bed and ran her fingers through his hair gently. "Oh Ben," she whispered. "Why do you do this to yourself?"

Aleena gasped suddenly as Obi-Wan's eyes flew open and he grabbed Aleena's wrist, twisting it as he sat up. Aleena winced in pain.

"What are you doing here?!" he demanded angrily. Aleena cringed.

"Ahh… Obi-Wan…" Aleena whimpered. "Let go, please…"

"What are you doing here?"

"Ben, please…"

"Tell me!" Obi-Wan commanded. Aleena grimaced again.

"I just wanted to…. check on you… ahh.." Aleena gasped again as Obi-Wan grabbed her other wrist.

"You're lying!" he gritted. "Why are you here?"

"Please… I'm sorry…" Aleena answered weakly. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay…."

"You're hiding something from me, Aleena," Obi-Wan exclaimed, letting go of Aleena's wrists, causing her to fall off the bed. She hit the floor with a loud thump, causing her to cry out softly. "What is it?!"

"I'm not hiding anything," Aleena responded. She gave a faint sigh, used to these interrogation sessions. Sometimes they even turned violent, and Aleena had a feeling this would be one of there. But she was used to it. And she knew even though he would hit her and curse at her, she would always love him. Sad, she knew, but she couldn't help it.

"Don't you shrug this off!" Obi-Wan said, standing up. "I know you're hiding something!"

"I'm not…"

"Don't lie to me!"

"No…" Aleena closed her eyes tightly, knowing what was about to happen. She suddenly felt a burning sensation on her cheek as Obi-Wan's hand struck it- hard. Harder than he had ever hit her before. He hit her with such force, it made tears well up in her eyes. She tried not to cry, but she couldn't help it. Suddenly all the pain she had been holding inside for all these long months exploded inside her. She touched her cheek lightly as the tears began to slip down them slowly. She had never cried in front of Obi-Wan before, and she didn't know what was going to happen. She could only hope that he wouldn't hit her again.

"Aleena…" Obi-Wan said gently, shocked that he had made this woman, who he knew loved him beyond all doubt, cry. He bent down beside her and reached out his hand slowly. Aleena recoiled quickly, afraid he would do something worse. "I'm sorry…"

"Why do I even bother?" Aleena sobbed into her robe. "Why do I love you?"

"Aleena, love," Obi-Wan murmured. Aleena looked up at him through damp eyes. "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you…"

"You never do," Aleena whispered as Obi-Wan took her in his arms.

"Do you still love me?" he asked.

"Yes," Aleena cried. "I'll always love you…"

Obi-Wan pulled Aleena against his chest protectively. "Mine," he growled.

"Yours…" Aleena sighed softly, snuggling against the rough fabric of his robe. "Yours forever..."

I couldn't feel anything anymore. It all became a blur once we lost him. Each day and night sped by and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop myself. I had to escape my failure. The failure they had all foreseen but I couldn't stop.

And then he was gone. Just like that. And there was no way any of us could get him back.

He was too old, we all knew it. Too old, too dangerous. Qui-Gon never listened. If only I hadn't made that stupid promise to him as he lay there dying. Dying because I hadn't been quick enough to save him. I couldn't save any of them. Countless lives have been lost and I couldn't prevent any of it.

All my fault.

I can't deal with it.

I have to escape reality again.

She was my escape from reality. My key to forgetting everything else.

She looked up into his eyes again and tried to smile, the tears still burning in her eyes. She wished she could make him stop being this way and go back to the sweet and loving man she had once loved. Now she was only in love with a lost image, everything she'd loved gone and replaced by an empty shell.

"I'm sorry," Obi-Wan murmured again, kissing Aleena's forehead. He lifted her chin up and looked into her eyes. Aleena tried to turn away but he wouldn't let her; she could only close her eyes to keep him from seeing her pain. He shook his head and brought his lips down upon her closed eyes, kissing the tears away, then replaced his lips on her bright red cheek. Aleena repressed a sob, her cheek still burning.

"Aleena, please look at me," he said gently. She opened her eyes slowly and stared up at Obi-Wan once more. He smiled lightly. "Do you love me?"

Aleena nodded again.

"Say it," he whispered, kissing her cheek again, then trailing down to her neck and nuzzling it. "I need to hear you say it..."

Oh gods.... Aleena thought, turning away. Please don't do this to me again, Ben...

"Say it," he growled, turning her face back towards his and holding her tighter. "Tell me you love me..."

Aleena sighed, another tear rolling down her cheek. "I love you," she murmured. Obi-Wan kissed the fresh tear away and took her lips in his own gently. She tried to turn away again, anything to make him stop, but he only held her to him steadfastly.

"Don't cry, love," he said quietly, beginning to nuzzle her neck again. "I'm sorry..."

"I know." Aleena sighed again, closing her eyes and turning her head upwards. Best to let him get it over with so she could go back to her room and curl up under her sheets and cry like she always did. Every time. She wanted to stop him, but she couldn't bring herself to. He needed the release so bad, to take his mind off Anakin. To keep him from self-destruction.

Aleena hated it more than anything else in the universe now, having sex with Obi-Wan. It used to be the most wonderful thing in the world to her, back when he was alive inside and so passionate about everything in life. She couldn't get enough of making love to him. He used to be so tender, so caring, so gentle. Now he was cold and callous and it no longer meant anything to her.

Yet she always came back to him. He needed her to be his savior, to free him from all the pain and emptiness inside. But the more and more it went on, the less and less she could bear it. The mere thought of him brought tears to her eyes.

"When did this happen?" she asked aloud, not realizing Obi-Wan had heard her. He looked up at her sharply.

"What did you say?" he asked. Aleena shook her head.

"Nothing," she replied. "I was just talking to myself. Continue."

And continue on he did.

Oh Aleena, why couldn't you realize I never felt anything? I tried so hard but nothing ever came out of it. I'm sorry I was so rough on you. I wish I hadn't been so. It's all my fault what happened to you.

How the eternal flame in your heart finally went out. The beautiful fire that burned for your life. The passion and love you felt for me, and only me. You never gave your heart to any other. You were always mine and I couldn't see it. I never saw your true beauty till now, when it's far too late to apologize. Too late to tell you that I loved you. That I cared for you more than anyone else.

Please forgive me.

"I want to make you feel again."

The desperate plea was the only thing Aleena could manage to choke out as Obi-Wan picked the Jedi up and set her down again on his bed, kissing her in a near-frenzied state. It pained Aleena to do this again, but she needed it almost as much as Obi-Wan did. She would regret it later, she knew, but she had to have her escape. She could no longer feel the connection they had had before, but that didn't matter to her once it all started. All she wanted was to lose herself in the ultimate euphoria only he could give her.

But this time she needed the connection again. She was sure she would die without it.

Obi-Wan let out a deep sigh, stripping Aleena's clothing away and reveling at the cool air on his skin as she did the same for him. The two lovers fell back onto the bed and for a moment could do nothing but gaze into the other's eyes in silence.

It was in this moment that Aleena looked up at the Jedi above her whispered, "I don't want this any longer."

"Don't say that," Obi-Wan murmured in response, kissing her hand softly, then turned it over to kiss her fingertips and nipping her wrist softly. Aleena let out a small gasp and tried to move, but he was too overpowering.

"I don't want you to feel empty inside..." Aleena said. "I can't do this if you can't feel it any longer..."

"Give yourself to me," Obi-Wan said, seeming to be ignoring Aleena's comments, and continuing to kiss a trail up her arm.

"Please stop doing this..."

"Let me have all of you..."

"Obi-Wan, stop it."

Obi-Wan shook his head roughly and kissed Aleena again, who let out a sigh and turned away fiercely. He glared at her sharply. His face softened as Aleena raised her hands up to cup his face and brought it down for another kiss.

"Give yourself to me, Ben," she said. "Let me do this for you."

It's all a blur to me now, that night. I can only remember laying there in bed in her arms, my head on her chest, saying, "I love you."

She had smiled then and I realized I hadn't seen her smile in months. Not since before Anakin was gone. Before everything in our lives began to disintegrate. She had kissed my forehead and told me I hadn't said that to her in thirteen years. Since I'd met Padme and Qui-Gon died.

Thirteen years this woman had been waiting for me to say it to her again and I hadn't.

"Why didn't you leave me then?" I had asked her. She laughed.

I loved to hear her laugh. It had been so long since I'd seen her so happy. I couldn't even remember. Had it been months? I wondered if it had been years, maybe. She had such a rich laugh. I'd always thought it matched her so well. Everything about her seemed to fit together perfectly.

It broke my heart to see her cry, to see her in pain, and yet I was the cause of all her anguish. All her misery. I was the reason she never smiled, never laughed, never took joy in her life anymore. She loved me and all I ever did for her was cause her more pain.

I remember looking at the bruises on her body that night for the first time. The bruises I had given her in my rage at failing with everything. I took it out on this poor woman who never deserved any of it. Countless accusations I placed against her, so many times I'd screamed at her and she had done nothing.

She was so unbelievable. Till the day I die I'll never be able to comprehend how she could deal with it.

I remember that night I sat up and kissed each one on her body and apologized with each kiss. I would say, "I'm so sorry, Aleena," kiss the bruise, look up at her again and tell her I loved her.

I must've done it a hundred times. But I didn't care. Maybe I thought by doing this I could make up for everything I'd done and she would forgive me. She would giggle and tell me to stop being silly, but I kept right on doing it till I was done, finishing with the cheek I'd slapped earlier.

I can still recall that the redness hadn't faded away yet and I looked at her again and in that moment I took hold of her, pulled her as close to me as I could and never let go of her the rest of the night.

Eventually she'd fallen asleep, and occasionally she would murmur my name and smile, then snuggle closer to me, if it was even possible. I never fell asleep. I could only gaze at the sleeping woman in my arms and sigh, kissing her forehead, her cheek, her hands, over and over and whispering how much I loved her.

I think at one point I had accidentally awoken her and she had swatted me away lightly and told me to go to sleep and leave her alone. "Not now," she'd said. "I'm sleeping. Wake me up in an hour."

I didn't want to wake her again. I wanted her to sleep forever so I could stay locked in the moment for all eternity and never worry about anything else ever again.

But I couldn't resist her the next time she woke up.

"Oh Obi... please... oh gods please, please, please..." Aleena's words were nearly incoherent, her breathing so heavy and her gasps so sudden. Obi-Wan couldn't reply, he was so caught up in the coming wave of sheer ecstasy about to crash.

Nothing mattered to him in that moment more than her. His Aleena. His and only his. Forever. He leaned down and kissed her again, this time only to keep her from screaming so he'd never have to spiral downward ever again. He had to make it last forever.

"I love you, Aleena," he said, releasing her from his passionate kiss and closing his eyes. Aleena could only respond in more broken pleas and gasps, the tidal wave finally crashing upon them.

Obi-Wan sighed and slowly fell back onto the bed, kissing Aleena again as she brushed a lock of his hair from his face.

"I love you, Obi-Wan," she murmured. "General Kenobi... my sweet Ben." She sighed, snuggled closer to Obi-Wan. "I'll never leave your side. I promise."

She was so beautiful in that moment. That entire night she was more radiant then she'd ever been, even when she was younger. I think I must have felt more for her that night than I ever had in all the years before combined. I don't think I let her sleep the rest of the night. I just had to make her realize this, only letting her rest as the first light of the day began to streak across the sky.

She stayed by my side throughout all my rage taken out on her, through all the misery and pain, all those nights I wish more than anything I could take back so that she'd only ever think kindly of me in her mind.

I think I may have gone insane if she hadn't loved me like she did.

Watching her sleep was my favorite thing to do at night. I would just lay there for hours upon end just watching her, listening to her heartbeat when I would lay my head on her chest to listen, inhaling the sweet scent of her essence. It was the most intoxicating thing I'll ever experience. Then I'd fallen asleep to the sound of her light snoring, one of the things that amused me most about her.

And when I woke up she was gone.

Obi-Wan yawned slowly and blinked, looking around his room slowly. He turned to look over at his sleeping lover but she was gone. Obi-Wan sat up immediately, brushing his hair out of his face with his hand.

"Aleena?" he called, looking around. The only hint she'd ever been there was a rose on his bedside table with a note attached to it with the words "I'm sorry for your loss," scribbled onto it.

"Oh gods, no," he cried, jumping out of bed and throwing on his clothes. He ran as fast as he could to her room, opening the door quickly with the Force. However, it was completely empty, with only Padme Amidala sitting in the middle of the floor staring out the window. She looked up at Obi-Wan slowly and shook her head.

"Where is she?" Obi-Wan asked. Padme stood up and walked over to him.

"Obi-Wan," Padme said gently. "She's dead."

Obi-Wan sank to the floor in shock, feeling as if he'd just been punched in the stomach. He shook his head wildly. "No..." he said. "She's alive. She has to be. I was with her last night..."

Padme shook her head again. "Ana- Darth Vader got to her earlier today. She was trying to protect me and... and..." She shuddered. "I'm so sorry."

Obi-Wan could only stare at the floor in shock as Padme began to walk away slowly. He felt sick to his stomach. How could this be possible? There wasn't any way. She couldn't be dead. She had promised to never leave him alone. To stay by his side forever.

"Aleena..." he whispered, tears beginning to run down his cheeks. "You said you'd never leave me..."

Padme turned and looked at the lost Jedi helplessly. She heard him sob and turned around, kneeling down next to him and hugging him tightly.

"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan," she said. Obi-Wan couldn't reply, instead he simply rested his head on her shoulder and continued to cry.

I felt so bad. I shouldn't have been so selfish. I had a job to do. I had to protect Padme and her children. It was my responsibility now and instead I was dwelling on the death of my lover.

I sat with her in that empty room crying for hours until I forced myself to stop and quit being so selfish. Padme helped. She reminded me of what I had vowed to do: to take Luke to Tatooine and leave him with Anakin's stepbrother, and watch over him while he grew up.

I failed Aleena. I wasn't going to fail Padme, the other woman I loved beyond words.

However, once Luke was in the hands of Owen Lars and his wife, and I had gotten myself settled in, I started to dwell on everything again.

So here I am. Telling the story of my failure.

I still wish I'd been able to prevent Aleena's death. If only I'd gotten up before her that morning. I always got up before her except for this one day. I must have been so worried she'd leave after waking up to an empty bed again. Now I wish I hadn't thought that and never fallen asleep.

She died and I couldn't protect her. I remember hoping that I was dreaming and I'd wake up with her still in my arms. The one place she belonged. Safe from all harm.

Oh gods, Aleena. I'm so sorry for everything. So sorry for it all. I still dream about you, even all these years later. Dreaming about how I would change everything.

Please forgive all I've done, all the ways I've failed you. I'll be joining you soon, I know it. Just wait for me and I'll never treat you wrongly again.

I'll never leave your side.

T. B. C.

End notes: WOO! That was pretty damn good if I must say so myself! Hahaha!!

Yeah, I've been thinking too much lately so I figured "hey, I'll write!" And then I was sitting in some class and thinking about my fics and this one jumped into my mind and a pink plot bunny came hopping along behind it carrying a sign that said "SEX AND ANGST!!"

*sniff* I think I may actually cry though. I just think... it's so sad... GAH! *bursts into tears*

Obi-Wan: Stop being so dramatic and tell the people what they want to hear.

Oh right. REVIEW!!