Eternity
Kagome pulled her legs in closer to her warm body. 'I should have brought a sweater.' she thought bitterly. It was a lot colder in Inu Yasha's time than in hers. The cold was quick and merciless here. In her time it crept.
She put her folded arms on top of her knees and buried her chilled features deep inside them, hoping to warm just a little piece of flesh on her face. And yet, as cold as it was, it felt especially cold tonight, as it always felt after she fought with Inu Yasha. Some how, despite his heroism and strength, his most outstanding quality seemed, to her at least, his ability to find a reason to fight; not just with her, but with everyone and anyone. Be it Shippou, Miroku, and even Sango a few times, he could whip up a fight as easily as he could draw his sword. (This may have saved his life once or twice.)
What they fought about today didn't matter to her. It never mattered. And now, she couldn't even remember what it was she was fighting about. So the question in her mind was this: Why did they do it? A million annoying possibilities ran, screaming, around in her head like obnoxious children. Was it because he enjoyed fighting? Or maybe he was in a perpetually bad mood? Perhaps he could not control his mouth? But maybe, he was just unhappy.
Of course, she silenced them all with a 'yes', because she knew all of them (for the most part) were true. Inu Yasha was a grouch; a mean, loud, childish, ill-tempered one. He swore like a sailor and fought like his pants were on fire. He insulted everyone constantly and hated the inefficiency of humans and their limitations. Not to mention, he chomped when he ate.
So then, he thought, what the hell was she doing on this stupid hill, freezing her face off and running her mind about this … this jerk! Maybe it was her desire to help the people of this suffering world? Of course there was her friends here!- Sango and Shippou and Miroku! Yeah, yeah, and there was the adventure and the thrill! To her own egotistic satisfaction their was the selfish desire to do something no other person she ever knew would ever be able to do.
And she knew that these were reasons as well, but she couldn't help but feel another thing that pulled her to this desolate barren time full of war, death, and demons. And it wasn't a physical thing. It was inside her and it was stronger than all her other reasons combined. Maybe Inu Yasha … Maybe she …
No. She pushed the thought away as one would press a mute button on a remote control so they didn't have to listen to the auto insurance salesman on TV speak about great deals and low prices. And then, in doing that, she wondered why she had. She tried to run backwards on her little conversation with herself like you would a tape, but she found that remembering the feeling didn't make her feel it again. And it upsetted her, as she longed to return to the protected realm of deep thought.
She rubbed her face into her arms and tried to think of what that feeling was. It was light, like air, and just as difficult to catch, not like a flu. It was quick and fleeting, but when it was there, it felt like eternity before it would leave again and when it was gone, time was dead before it returned again. But nothing was alive or beautiful when it was gone. The world was grey, without color, without life, without warmth, without everything. And right now, with the sun hiding somewhere on the other side of the earth, she felt that missing feeling and wondered where it had gone.
It could be running along a hill, or hidden in Kaede's hut. It could be at the very depths of the ocean, hidden in the dark vast blue, where it struggled crushing weight to find Kagome again. Or it could be in the thick black velvet layer of sky, weightless, and scattered among star stuff, deaf and blind. But where ever it was, and despite the infinite places it could be, it wasn't inside her now, and without it, she may as well have thrown it into the depths of the ocean or launched into deep space and either way she craved it's return.
She pressed her palms to her face, which she imagined to be just as cold as the sky, and probably because of the cold, just as blue as well. She hoped to get some warmth from the extremities, but it was useless; her hands were ice.
Where was he now, she wondered. Was he just as concerned as she was? She didn't wish harm unto him, but for a reason she did not know, she wished him to be as concerned as she. In a way, the thought of him worrying for her made her content. Maybe it was because she knew it was one of the small and indirect ways in which he loved her (as all his affections are) but maybe it was just nice to know she was cared about, and that all her worrying was not wasted on someone. Her warmth deprived limbs were tugged closer to her torso. She wondered how close you had to be to something until you couldn't tell the difference between you and it. Like, how close would she have to pull her arms to her torso until they actually absorbed some heat?
And how close would two people have to be until they were the same: unbreakable, indistinguishable, inseparable. A hug? A kiss? Sure there was 'becoming one', but was that really the only way to totally and completely have someone? There had to be another way. She knew there had to be a way to know some one so completely and totally that not space, nor sea, nor time could tear you from them. Was there something out there so very infinite and all encompassing that could hold two people together. It wouldn't be something you could see, or smell, or taste. (God knows twine won't tie you to someone forever.) What, then, would it be? Even sex only lasts so long.
And yet, despite the fact that she and Inu Yasha barely touch, aside from the rides on his back, which serve a functional purpose, she felt tied to him in a way she hadn't to anyone else. She and him, she was sure, were destined. Like herself before her, she was fated, and doomed, to need him.
She sighed remorsefully, and yet delighted in this knowledge. Despite his flaws which she would need extra toes to count, she couldn't imagine anyone so perfect, almost like he was cut from the seams of a fantasy she wasn't even aware she had. He was everything wonderful.
But he hid it well. It was almost self destructive, the way he tried so hard to be disliked.
She rubbed her numb face into her shirt sleeve and laughed bitterly. She didn't understand how someone so flawed could be perfect. Just a few minutes ago, she was angry, and now, he was everything she'd ever wanted? She rolled her head from shoulder to shoulder. She felt so fickle.
Her insides were constantly at war … with her heart, which was at war with her mind, which was at war with her body. Everything; always she had to make it so complicated. But why? She would die for the feeling she missed now, but yet, she sought to run away from it. Everything was always changing with her, she realized. But when it came to him, she wanted only that everything could be forever as it was when they weren't fighting. At times she felt so close to him. And yet, it never lasted. But their fights never lasted forever either
She shuddered as a wave of bitter cold jolted through her body. She heard the sound of her teeth chattering and pulled the front of her jacket to cover her face. Outside it was so cold. There was a fire in the hut but she couldn't go back there yet. Her nose tickled and her face twitched before she sneezed into the crook of her arm.
"You're going to get sick." She heard Inu Yasha behind her and felt embarrassed like one would when talking behind someone's back and then realizing they were standing behind you the whole time. She rubbed her nose with her sleeve.
"So?" she said. She didn't look behind her. She heard a grunt and the sliding of cloth before she felt something fall all around her body. Something warm. "Your robe?"
"Hm." he said.
"Thank you." she said. She pulled the red cloth close to her body and greedily absorbed all the heat she could. After she had begun to regain feeling in her hands she turned to him, "Inu Yasha?"
"Uh?"
"I'm sorry- for fighting with you I mean." he acknowledged her and didn't say anything. "All our fights are so stupid." she said suddenly and fell back onto the lush grass, rolling on to her side to face him. "I mean … why do we complain about such stupid things when there is so much more to worry about?-or … or to be grateful for?" She curled in tight with the robe around her. Her body heat flowed through the air around her and warmed her like an oven.
"Grateful for what?"
"Well … I mean, we made it this far alive; all five of us. We must be doing something right." she said. "And I mean, having someone out there who's sole purpose is to kill you is worrisome enough, but we still fight with each other."
"Well …" he started slowly. "maybe we don't want to worry about Naraku so we fight because it distracts us from problems that actually may hurt us."
"That's right. When we fight, we make up, but if I die …"
She heard him shift in the grass.
"If I die, I'm dead forever." She heard Inu Yasha's breathing. That was how quiet it got.
"Hey?"
He responded as if just being woken from a dream "H-huh?
"What do you think would happen if I died? I mean, like, it doesn't have to be during the battle with Naraku." Silence settled for a while.
"I…" Inu Yasha tiptoed through his sentence unsurely. "I don't know." He paused. "But that doesn't matter."
"What?"
"Because you're not going to die. I won't let you. And if you do … I guess it wouldn't matter to me either because I would have already given my life to try to save you." he said softly.
Kagome grinned and scooted herself closer to him. "Inu Yasha?"
"Yeah?"
"Let's lie down here." He looked down at her and raised an eyebrow. "The two of us, we can keep each other warm." She placed a palm on his leg and felt it tense under her fingers.
"Oh … okay." He slowly fell down onto the grass and turned to face her.
"Are you cold?" she asked.
"N-no… I'm fine." he said nervously. She scooted closer to him and pulled part of the huge red cloth over part of his body.
"You might get cold after a while." she said softly. Their bodies were near and she could feel his added body heat circulating through the tent. She slowly slid her arm towards him and settled her self close to his chest.
"Inu Yasha?" she said.
"Hm?"
"We should stay like this forever."
Author's Notes
God DAMMN, I am proud of this one shot! I mean, I'm like 'holy shniz, this is gooood.' This may well be the best one shot I have ever written. -squeal- My mom read it and really liked it. She said 'I think if a hair stood up on her arm you would feel it!'
But really, it has a sensitive deepness about it. And the questions are universal. Is there really such thing as true love and why do we think of sex as the 'final act' of love if it's only physical? And if love does exist, then what is it made of? How do you the boundaries between you and someone you love disappear? Is it the body or the soul that really can hold two people together? And importantly as well, what lasts forever? Is death the only permanent state? (Now this idea may vary according to religious belief, but as far as I'm concerned, when you die, you're done forever. No second chances.)
Yeah, and it's pretty pathetic, but I actually wonder all this crap anyways, even if I'm not writing about it. Ahaha. But I suggest you read this twice. Look for the color imagery, and also, very importantly, my use of time. Well, I hope you enjoyed the one shot!
-Inu Kun-