WARNINGS: Crack fic (because life is too serious right now and we could all use some sparkly Garcia cheer). Ranting and mockery of cliches in the Morgan/Reid fandom (which I adore but I am sick of all the typical plots), as well as in romance stories in general ... Sexual innuendo? (I don't know, man. This one's pretty tame. It's not even technically slash.)

DISCLAIMERS: I don't own the show Criminal Minds or its characters, because I am just another deranged fan. *sigh* Hurts to say it every time, but it's true.

"New Prospects"

The confident click-clack of a woman in heels who knew where she was going signaled the arrival of Miss Penelope Garcia. It had been a long two weeks since the team left for yet another case, meaning two weeks since she saw her little babies in person and not through a computer screen. It was a tough case and they almost didn't save the victim in time but the team did good work as usual, and caught the unsub terrorizing the city of Indianapolis.

Garcia swiftly maneuvered her way around the hallways because she was a woman on a mission and these FBI agents milling around the building best get out of her way.

Any contact she had made with the team over the past two weeks was through a webcam or phone. And each time she got a hold of them, they were so busy that they only had time for a few quick words about the case before they had to go again. It was frustrating, not having enough time to flirt with her lovely Morgan, or baby her boy wonder, or sass Hotch...

Okay, so maybe Hotch didn't always play along with the friendly banter, but it was still nice to hear his voice for more than two seconds. And she knew he was amused by it! He just didn't show it!

To make matters worse, she got a rushed call from JJ a couple days ago that the unsub had set off an explosion and the team had barely made it out in time. Yes, they had all gone to the hospital and yes, they were all good to go but Garcia needed to see it to believe it. So sue her, but the BAU had a bad habit of getting into trouble so excuse her if she wanted to make sure they were all really alive.

Just thinking of the unsub made Garcia scowl. To think he had the audacity to dare try something like that on her team. The nerve. If he wasn't already going to jail, she'd... well, she didn't know what she would do to him but she would have thought of something! And it wouldn't have been pleasant! Life sentence... psh, he should be consider himself lucky.

But everything was okay now, because her babies were home, the baddies were in jail, and all was right in the world again.

The minute she got Morgan's text, saying that they were back, she had texted him back: STAY RIGHT THERE. I'm coming over and don't you dare leave before then because if I don't see who I wish to see, all hell will break loose.

Garcia pushed open the glass doors to the bullpen and quickly scanned the room for her people. Nope, no one here. She looked up and saw lights on in certain rooms. Yup, Hotch, JJ, and Rossi were in their offices. Hotch and JJ looked tired and haggard and ready to leave. No point bugging them when they had family waiting for them at home. Rossi, while still the bachelor, was on the phone... with a smile on his face.

Interesting... The cogs in her head turned and while she was no profiler, she knew that smile. That was his flirty, giddy, working-on-wife-number-four smile. Best to steer clear of that for now, though she made a mental note to properly investigate (aka. snoop) around later.

Morgan had only texted her like two minutes ago so that meant the rest of the team still had to be around. So that meant they were probably in the conference room.

Garcia peeked into the conference room, a little surprised and disappointed by how empty it was. Blake was nowhere to be seen so she probably high-tailed it outta there while she could. But where was Junior G-Man and Chocolate Adonis? They, at least, knew to wait until she properly fussed over them before leaving. (Blake was new, she would learn eventually.)

She stepped in and took a look around, ready to give up, when she stopped in her tracks. She was standing before the most adorable thing she had ever laid her eyes upon:

Morgan and Reid asleep on the couch. Together.

Garcia quickly clamped a hand over her mouth before she squealed, which would consequently wake the boys and ruin this perfect moment. But awwww! She couldn't get over how cute it was!

Morgan was sort of sitting and sort of sliding down the couch. He had his phone in one hand (no doubt waiting for Garcia's texts) and the other hand was draped over his torso. Meanwhile, Reid was lying down on the couch with his arms crossed over his chest, a peaceful little smile across his face as he used the crook of Morgan's elbow as his pillow. Morgan's head was tilted down towards Reid's curly mop of hair where it was pressed against his chest and he, too, had an almost imperceptible smile on his face.

And then it hit her.

If Reid and Morgan were gay for each other, it would be the most beautiful thing ever. They would be a ridiculously good-looking couple and they would just complete each other! Upon being exposed daily to the perfection that is them, her life would be complete. If they were gay for each other, it would all make sense.

The way Morgan called Reid "Pretty Boy"? The borderline flirtatious teasing? The more than friendly relationship they had? Oh, come on, that all screamed "bromance"!

Garcia could see it now...

They would have fallen for each other at first sight. The moment Reid first entered the BAU and was introduced to Morgan, their breaths would hitch and they wouldn't be able to take their eyes off of one another. They would shake hands and sparks would fly. Their hands would tingle from the intensity of the chemistry between them. Reid would blush and look away bashfully but Morgan wouldn't be able to stop himself from staring.

Garcia cursed. If only she had joined the BAU earlier! Then she could have been able to catch that moment!

From then on, without even being aware of it, they would find their eyes drawn to one another from time to time. Something about the other would compel them and draw them to each other like bees to honey. Now and then, they would catch each other staring. They would smile awkwardly and look away, only to find themselves staring again.

Morgan would slowly try to befriend the shy doctor and Reid would pull away, because he was intimidated by Morgan's alpha male/ bad boy/ player/ jock persona. Morgan would find it difficult to relate to the geeky genius. But eventually, they would see each other for who they really were and become even closer...

Reid would go over to Morgan's place whenever he had nightmares. Morgan would wipe Reid's tears away and hold him until his fears went away. Pretty soon, Morgan would find himself confiding in Reid as well. They would stay over at each others' homes whenever the other got injured in the field. They would teach other random things like Star Trek trivia and football history. They would slowly work their way into each others' hearts. They would care for each other, like no one had ever cared for them before.

At first, it would be difficult to put a name to their budding feelings. They were both bachelors in their prime. They were coworkers. They were best friends. Or were they? Did regular friends mean that much to them? Were they friends or were they more than that?

The confusion and sexual tension would just escalate until all they realized how hard they were falling! Then they would both get spooked and try to distance themselves, because they both have so much baggage that they would be afraid of dragging each other into it, because that's how much they mean to each other! What with Morgan's past with Carl Buford and Reid's past of being bullied and his schizophrenic mother and the drug addiction, it would seem that all hope was lost.

But then they would realize that they loved each other. That they couldn't live without each other. That it didn't matter how much baggage the other had, because they needed each other. They would fall into each others' arms and have a night of hot, steamy, passionate -

Okay, it was probably best to stop herself before she went down that road.

(But they would totally go at it like bunnies! And she could just see Morgan trying to convince Reid to put on a skirt or something for him, because no matter how much she loved Reid, she really could not see Morgan on the bottom. Besides, Reid had the whole blushing virgin thing going for him, what with those big brown eyes and the wide smile.)

Obviously, they would have lovers' spats now and then. Morgan would want to get Reid and Clooney to like one another but The Reid Effect would make Boy Wonder hesitant. Morgan would have trouble coming to terms with his sexuality. Reid would get jealous of Morgan's flirting and one night stands. Hm, though Morgan seemed like the jealous type too...

Garcia could see the cases coming in between them too. What with Reid being a complete trouble magnet, it just figured that the moment he came out of the closet, he would start exuding pheromones and pulling all kinds of stalkers and criminals to him. Morgan would have to fight for their love and protect Reid's virtue! (And, again, she finds herself coming back to that. No, Garcia. Stop now while you can.) Morgan's overprotective-ness could become a problem too.

Once Hotch and the rest of the team found out, they would struggle and fight for their love, because of the fraternization rules. Strauss would try to drive a wedge between them and transfer one of them to another team, or fire one of them. But their love would conquer all because true love always conquers all and Strauss would see the error of her ways.

They would be together forever. They would adopt a little girl... unless somehow, the future allowed males to get pregnant. Because in that case, Reid would give birth to the most beautiful little princess ever. She would have their good looks, Reid's brains, and Morgan's charm. They would be the happiest family ever.

And, of course, she would be the princess' godmother. Garcia sighed dreamily.

Morgan and Reid woke up to the sound of a camera shutter and a flash going off.

"Garcia?" Reid sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

Morgan sat up and cleared his throat. "Mama, what are you doing?"

Garcia smiled and put her phone away. "Shh," she said, with a finger to her lips. "Don't worry. I'll keep your secret." And with that, she hugged both of them, kissed both on their cheeks, and flounced away, leaving behind two very tired and very confused agents.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ah, yes. If one of the BAU members were to sympathize with the fangirls, it would be Garcia. Sorry if anyone drowned in the sarcasm.