Good afternoon to y'all. I am THE SEAOKNARNAR and I welcome you to my fic. It is rather estranged, and it is not a quality piece of writing at all. Please do not judge my writing for this: I merely wrote it as a shocker for my innocent friends. I know that bTolkien, who owns the Lord of the Rings and all related characters, not me, so don't sue/b, would flip in his grave if he could read this. Here is a summary:
At the end of their arduous journey to Mount Doom, Frodo and Sam come upon an unforeseen obstacle in their quest to destroy the Ring. Will they be able to overcome it? Or will they be thwarted in the final step of their quest?
Like I said, this is not a quality piece of fiction, so do not flame me for it. I realize that it is stupid, moronish, inane, vulgar, stupid again, a waste of time…..
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centerbEnamoured:
An Alternative Ending to Return of the Kingb/center
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centerby Seaoknarnar/center
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Frodo and Sam staggered in to Mount Doom. After slaying Gollum and making sure they were alone, Frodo withdrew the Ring from his neck chain, preparing to throw it in the fire so that it would be destroyed and humanity would be saved and Sauron would be defeated.
But Frodo began to have second thoughts.
"Sam," he said to Sam, "do we really have to do this? I mean, we've never met this Sauron guy and we don't know that he all that bad…" said Frodo, his hand outstreatched, palm up, holding the Ring. He was staring at it with longing shining from his babbilly-blue eyes……
…When it was fiercely snatched from his hand by a fat, balding human figure in a purple glittery sparkle thong—and only a purple glittery sparkle thong.
It was Sauron! Sauron, the deeply feared and hated dark lord of Middle Earth. But at the moment, he didn't look like anything more than a misguided lingerie model.
"Mr Frodo, let's get out of here," said Sam, taking Frodo's hand in his own protectively.
But Frodo didn't respond. He was staring at Sauron's semi-naked body with a feeling of disgust/ admiration/ horror/ pity/ ridicule/ surprise/ interest.
"Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo? Mr Frodo?" screamed Sam annoyingly, while lovingly embracing Frodo for no apparent reason.
"Sam, it isn't the time for that right now," said Frodo in a caring voice, referring to the embrace. "Maybe later. But right now, I'm going to go talk to that…thing."
Maybe it was the lack of the usual silvery and spiky and sharp and evil-looking armor and the lack of the 10,000,000,000 orcs and nazgul Sauron usually had, but the Dark Lord did not appear remotely frightening. That is why Frodo walked up to him and said, "Will you please give me the Ring?" in his most baby-cutsie-high pitched-hobbit voice. He had a notion that Sauron was nothing more than a dimwit now.
"I'll give you the Ring, but first you need to do something for me. I need you to sign this document." He handed Frodo a purple glittery sparkle pen and a purple glittery sparkle piece of parchment with some Elvish writing on it.
"You should never sign a legal document when you don't know what it says," remarked Sam, while re ran his fingers caringly through Frodo's curly brown Hobbit hair.
"Ok, Sam, you're right. Mr Sauron, what does it say?" asked Frodo.
"It's a legally binding agreement bestowing a portion of Middle Earth (namely 100%) to the requesting party (namely me) from the donating party (namely you) for a sum of money paid to the order of the requesting party. In addition, the donating party will relinquish all previous claims to the aforesaid land, and deliver its previous inhabitants to the service of the requesting party. The donating party will either choose to remain in aforesaid territory and be eradicated, or relocate and yield a sum of currency to the aforesaid party," said Sauron in his best boring teacher/ lawyer voice.
[A.N: Basically, if you didn't read or understand that last part, it says that Frodo will give up Middle Earth to Sauron and his gang, and he will pay them a large amount of money in the process. All the people living in Middle Earth will become Sauron's slaves, and the only way out of slavery will be to pay Sauron a huge amount of money. If they don't pay, they'll be killed.]
Without further ado, Frodo took the purple glittery sparkle pen and started to sign his name. He didn't quite understand what Sauron had said (he being a Hobbit and Hobbits being pretty slow on the uptake), but he thought that it would be alright in the end. He didn't see why people thought he was such a bad guy. It was too bad that Frodo was already Sam's boyfriend, he thought, because Sauron seemed like a pretty nice guy after all.
Frodo was just about to sign the "s" in "Frodo Ellwood Ferdinand Roger Dimitruan Baggins", when Aragorn rushed in, followed by Arwen and Eowyn having a boxing match for his love. Aragorn took is huge big shiny sword and cleaved Frodo in half. He then turned to Sam and said, "I'm sorry, Sam. I know you loved him, but I had to cleave him in half because I couldn't let him succumb to Sauron's evil. And knock it off, you two," he directed towards Arwen and Eowyn.
Eowyn took his comment literally and knocked Arwen's head off with a lightening-fast right hook. She then hooked up with Aragorn, and they left after Aragorn finished the small matter of killing the evil Dark Lord. No one seemed to notice how Aragorn took the Ring and slipped it in his pocket. [A.N: Guess he couldn't resist the temptation after all…]
Then Sam hooked up with Rosie, who appeared magically out of the air and smiled at him. You see, Sam wasn't gay, as most people believe. He was merely pretending to be gay with Frodo (who was really gay) so when the time was right he could steal the Ring and stab Frodo in the back with a Hobbit-dagger. Anyway, back to the main story.
And, in the end, the corpses of Gollum, Sauron, and Arwen hooked up and decided to have a purple glittery sparkle threesome in Gollum's cave in the Misty Mountains.
In the end, everyone lived happily ever after…
…At least, until Legolas' wedding……….
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Heh, a minor cliffie I have left you. Yup, I am planning another chapter. Here is a preliminary summary:
It is the happy day of Legolas' wedding, and he will have a sparkling beautiful bride. But as they are about to say "I DO," some crazy obsessors come to crash the party and claim Legolas as their own. How will Legolas be saved? And who will end up as the bride of Legolas? Tune in next time!
In the next chapter we will meet some of my friends. I'll give you one guess as to who they will be. Hint, hint: they are crazy.
~$E@OK|\|@R|\|@R~