The Words I Want to Say

Hello, fans of Grey's Anatomy! Well, it's been quite a while since I wrote a story for this show. I have to be in certain moods to write certain tales, or inspired by real life events. And now, I am inspired. This story is dedicated to my grandmother who died of cancer when I was a baby, and to a mother of two children that I have had the honor of caring for. She is fighting what is likely a losing battle with cancer, but I hope, like those of us who are fans of Izzie, that she beats the incredible odds.

Grey's Anatomy and all its' related characters are the property of Shonda Rhimes. I, however, own this tale.

Author's note: This story takes place not too long after Izzie discovers she has cancer.

Izzie Stevens took a deep breath as she sat in her room in the Victorian-style house she shared with her friends. 'Okay, Izzie. You hid it from them and now you're going to be treated,' she thought to herself. 'But what if it doesn't work? What if you're dying? What do you need to finish up here?' And then her big blue eyes fell on a box of stationery she'd gotten for herself. 'I need to let people know how I feel… But who do I start with?'

"Izzie?" called a male voice. It belonged to the young man who had stood by her through nearly everything and was standing by her now. "Izz… can I come in?" Alex Karev asked, opening the door. He was a very handsome young man with closely cropped brown hair and hazel eyes.

"Sure, Alex, c'mon in," the statuesque blonde woman said, looking up. The young man entered, looking concerned.

"Izz…hey," he said, the concern in his voice etched in his features as he came into the room and sat down on her bed with her. "I was wondering if there was anything I can do… I mean… besides just being here for you… I want to do more than that…" If there was anything Alex Karev hated, it was being powerless to help people he cared about. He had watched his mother be beat up by his drug addict father and then young Alex had taken up wrestling to beat his father back. Then he had had to take care of his mother after his father left them and she had a mental breakdown. And now, the woman he loved might be dying of cancer and he could do nothing to save her.

Izzie looked at him appraisingly for a minute. When she met him over a year ago, Alex had been…well, he'd been a jerk. But then she'd seen what was truly inside of him; he hid a lot beneath the sometimes unkind exterior. And now, he was letting his tender self out. "Well, you can help me by figuring out who I need to write letters to."

"Letters?" he asked curiously. "What kind of letters, Izz?"

"I want to say things to people if I haven't said them… Just in case," she explained, meeting his eyes with her own. "I don't want anybody wondering what I felt just in case… Well, just in case."

He nodded. "Okay…Well, you don't have to write one to me. I know how you feel about me and I know how I feel about you… And I think we won't have anything left unsaid, you know?"

"Yeah… I'm going to write a lot of letters, though… I want to apologize to Callie, again. I did ruin her marriage and I know she's happy right now, but… I want to be sure she really knows. And then… to Dr. Webber… to Meredith… George… Christina… everybody. And…I don't know if I should write this other one and send it whether I live or not…" She looked down at her hands and twiddled her fingers a bit.

Alex took her soft hand in his rougher one. "Who is it?"

"Hannah…" She of course referred to the daughter she gave up for adoption when she was 16, and who had recently dealt with a battle with leukemia. "She didn't want to meet me when she was at Seattle Grace, but someday she might want to and if I'm not here, she might have regrets and I don't want her to have regrets."

Alex nodded. "So what can I do?"

"Just help me through writing this…" He nodded again and got the stationery from her desk.

It took a few hours, but Izzie, with Alex's help, got the letter written. "This was hard, but I had to do it. And… if you want to, if I'm not here… I'm going to give you permission to find someone to carry our babies, if you want to," she sighed. "And I'll write a letter to them too, so they know that their mommy loved them."

Alex nodded, unable to speak for a moment. "Izzie," he managed finally, "if that's what you want, I'll do it…" And then he saw something in her face. "Want me to stay or go for a minute?"

"Could you go for just a few minutes?" she asked. "I want to read this again before I seal it…" Alex nodded and kissed her before he left.

Isobel Stevens picked up the letter meant for Hannah and read it…

Dear Hannah,

If you're reading this letter, I'm probably dead. I wrote this to let you know a few things about the woman who gave birth to you, gave you to a family to raise and love you as I couldn't at the time I had you. I wanted you to have this so you knew when you were older and if you had questions about me.

First, I wanted you to know that I love you, even though I couldn't be your mother. I got a glimpse of you while you were at Seattle Grace when you were sick and I got to talk to your parents. I could tell that you are the joy of their lives and that you are loved and cared for by them. I had always wondered about how you were and the young woman you would be some day. And I know from what I saw, and from what they said, I am just glad I was able to bring you into this world.

I was sixteen years old when I gave birth to you, Hannah. If I had been able to keep you and give you a good life, I would've kept you. But you deserved far better than I could give you at the time. So I went through the process before I had you to find a family that could give you that good life. And I found your mom and dad. They wanted a child so badly, and they felt right to me. And so, after you were born, you went to them and were their daughter. I was sad that I couldn't watch you, but I was happy that you would have a mom and dad that loved you and could take care of you.

After that, I finished high school and went to college at the University of Washington. I also went to their medical program. I was a model when I was in school so I could be debt-free when I got out of school. I worked hard and I got through and became an intern at Seattle Grace Hospital. It was there I met some really good friends. Their names are Meredith Grey, George O'Malley, Christina Yang and Alex Karev. They'll all be glad to talk to you if I'm not here to talk to you. They are my best friends and I love all of them. I also can tell you that you'll want to talk to Dr. Miranda Bailey, who was my mentor and made sure I didn't give up when I wanted to, and Dr. Derek Shepherd, who's a really nice guy and a great brain surgeon. He tried really hard to make me better and he's someone you can talk to.

Before I finish this, Hannah, I want to give you a little advice, not as a mother, but as a friend, and I hope you accept it. First, no matter how hard it seems, love yourself. Value yourself. Tell yourself that you are okay, even if you're not perfect. And the next thing I must tell you is that you must do what you love, and do it with everything that you are. I knew when I was little I wanted to be a doctor and help people. And even though I wasn't perfect, I did my very best. Third, when you're in trouble, let your friends know and they'll be there for you, even if you think you don't want them there. They will be.

Hannah, you are a wonderful young lady and I know you're going to do great things. And even if you can't see me, I'll be there to watch you.

Your friend,

Izzie Stevens.

Izzie picked up the letter, folded it, and shut it into a pretty pink envelope. She took a calligraphy pen and wrote "Hannah Klein" on the front, and took another deep breath. 'I hope I can tell her all this myself someday,' she thought. She prayed she would be able to tell Hannah, but if she wasn't able to, she knew she had said the words she needed to say.

I hope you enjoyed this story, everyone. Please read and review. Thank you.