Dear Diary, I am standing here alone as always…You and me again…I am sorry for leaving you to dust off for so many years…Not so many but like since I was a kid, maybe? You will forgive me, right? Please…Okay…Thank you… Yeah… I'm crazy I know…Talking to you…um…Writhing to you like you are alive…Hah…Yeah… So… It's been some time, some things happened to me during it, some stuff gone bad, some good…You know how it is…I have changed a lot, I mean I am still that insecure little girl from way back, still that girl that loves writing and fantasy and sci-fi and is kind of a nerd, but now my exterior has changed…Now…I don't wear those big frame glasses or brasses, I have lost a lot of weight and you know according to all I'm very beautiful, but you know me best…You know I don't believe that… Um… What's bringing me back to you? Or at least if you were a talking/writing back diary you would ask…I think so at least…Heh…Crazy over here remember :D … So what broth me back is…Mmm the lack of real friends, maybe? Don't really know…I found you two days ago in a boxes labeled "trash" and I just couldn't help it…Picked you up…Read a little of what it was before and it made me think of what it was now…You know I think my past self just changed my life…Is that even possible…Like not in the time travel way but like in um words way :D I am making no sense, and I'm saying just stuff, like nothing you would like to know :D … It's the last day of summer and I feel really lost…So let me break it down…Somewhere in the middle of middle school things started changing for me, I started losing weight, I became taller, I guess puberty hit me but in a good way…So I started wearing contacts, and glasses only when reading at home, my braces came off and I had perfect teeth…But the bulling never stopped, during the change it became even worse…So…You know I was just a kid, I didn't really know how to ignore it or how to react so when my parents told me we were moving during the summer that marked the begging of my last year in Junior high I was more than excited about it… Fran helped me change my wardrobe, taught me how to use make up, how to take care of my hair, she was my Yoda during those days, during that summer…I think she was really happy that her little sis needed her even thou she teased me about it all the time…During her senior year and my last year in J High we became quite close…We started spending a lot of time together she even introduced me to her friends, you know I guess it was that whole college is coming thing…You know she knew we wouldn't see each other so often when she goes off to her future so she tried to make up the lost time…But we both liked it…She was the reason I left you that summer, she found you one day, read all the words written on your pages and she came to me in tears…I remember looking at her, she seemed so sorry, so sad, she hugged me and from that moment on she took care of me, she made sure no one would bully me in this big city, so she helped me change. You see you know how my family is…So…Yeah my change was limited, but Fran pulled the look of goody-too-good perfectly and she taught me how to do it too. So what pushed me to you again? I…I don't think I'm ready to talk about it…My therapist told me that I needed to get my feeling out…To talk to someone or just write them down…You know…I'm not the type to trust easily…So here you come in the picture… I'm sorry…I didn't mean to cry all over your pages…And I'm sorry for not being able to talk to you…Or write…It was suppose to be easy…I mean…It was suppose to be… Easy… I'm sorry…
"I cannot say, and will not say
that he is dead. He is just away.
With a cheery smile, and a wave of the hand,
he has wandered into an unknown land
and left us dreaming how very fair
it needs must be, since he lingers there."
She repeated the quote a few times till she stopped feeling the tears going down her cheeks…It always worked…It was her thing, the one thing that made her feel better or at least keep the grieve away for some time…For a little bit…Just a little…She closed her eyes and dropped on her new bed feeling the soft mattress underneath her. It was nice, comfortable, it made her longing sleep so badly, but she had work to do. With a long and annoyed sigh she stood up and looked at all the boxes in her new, bigger than the old, room. It was so annoying to unpack, but at least it would give her something to do till dinner time? Not that she wanted to attend dinner…Sitting with her father and mother on that table in complete silence was like…um…quiet torture? Yeah that was pretty much the best explanation to that situation she could think about…
So let's do this shit…
She started opening boxes randomly and looking at all the stuff she had…
No…
The box full with clothes was thrown to the side, the goody-to-good-daughter dresses were the last thing she wanted…They were a reminder, and she didn't want that…She wanted a change…Yeah…Change once again.
So dear Diary, thank you for reminding me that change is something good, or should I thank my old me, past me? Note to me from the past – Thank you! 3
She wrote the words and left the diary on her bed, carefully like it might break or something.
Okay, first we get rid of the boxes than mall time…She smiled to her new plan and started working on the boxes again…
An hour later she was almost ready but way too lazy to continue, and she didn't had the time to do so. She left the box she was unpacking and took her car keys from the nightstand. Quinn ran downstairs and into the kitchen seeing her mother halfway down a wine bottle and a glimpse of her father reading his paper like always…All of this so normal, but yet…All of them knew that things weren't as they were before so it was like looking at the dummies once used for nuclear testing, the perfect house wife, the all so-not-busy dad, but she…Ow she didn't intend to be the perfect little daughter she had always been…No, that was the past…"Mom may I have the card? I'm going to the mall" she said like it explained everything but she knew her mother was way out of it to even care. Judy pointed at her purse and Quinn just took her card and rushed out of the house, that , it didn't really surprised her, was already perfectly arranged like they had been living here for years…
She played with her car keys, just standing on her porch…So…Lima, Ohio looked pretty decent but, you know, it was a small town, not really much happening in it, a little boring probably if she remembered right. Quinn didn't really care, she preferred it like that…It meant no traffic and everything was close by, public transport was good…Now that she taught about it Lima wasn't so small…Probably depends on what you compare it with… She looked at her car like it was a dragon ready to eat her…She really didn't want to drive it, didn't want to even be near it, but she preferred going shopping by herself than with her drunk mother, and using the bus or walking wasn't really a great option given the proportion her shopping was going to be…A whole new wardrobe would require a vehicle…She took a deep and long breath before breathing out, closing her eyes…Be yourself, be brave and bold, but smart, good, kind…The words echoed in her head, the last words that she heard from…No, no tears…" He is not dead. He is just away" she repeated till the sadness was gone.
Sitting behind the wheel she looked to her right at the empty passenger seat…Okay, I can do this…Lucy Quinn Fabray you can do this!...She started the engine and pulled back from the driveway and on the road. She was happy that the mall was close and that there was no traffic what so ever…It was the last day of summer but yet there were no cars to be seen on the road for last minute shopping…Yeah this was one of the good things to a small town, or medium town…Or something like that…
The mall was small and more like a shopping center, the parking lot was just a little full so maybe there was some was minute shopping. The inside was like any other mall, shops, shops, shops, café, shops, shops, food, teens, moms…She noticed the different groups of people but didn't really took the time to look at them, instead she started going to the different shops ready to spend some of her trust fund. So it was a little strange for Quinn to shop alone, she had grown used to always have someone with her, mostly her mom, choosing the "appropriate" clothes for a young woman of her religion or her social class, so that meant a lot of dresses, but now she was here to change that so no more dresses…She walked around, going into almost every shop, stopping and at some point taking a break to drink a café and eat something and then continuing with the shopping till she was ready to leave the mall with enough clothes to fill her closet and dresser, mostly jeans, t-shirts, one shoulder blouses, some vests, shirts, sneakers and etc. No dresses!
She looked at the little hair salon at the exit and then at the bags in her hands. She left them in her car and came back to the salon, walking in and looking at the mirror, her hair was long and blonde, she wasn't wearing any makeup and the shadows under her eyes were pretty obvious.
"Hello, how can I assist you?" a smiling brunet came in front of Quinn and her smile was pretty contagious so Quinn smiled back.
"I want it cut, to the shoulders and with bangs, parted bangs, and make it kind of uneven like a little messy you know?" she blabbers out and the girl's smile grew wider if it was even possible.
"Okay, take a seat right there and I will come in a sec" Quinn listened to the girl and walked the way she was pointed to. She sat down and waited…
…
She closed the door behind her, this was her last trip from her car to her room for bags so she looked it and started sorting through them, some of the other bags were already done and in the washing machine, there were only a few left and after those were ready she intended on finishing her unpacking. Sleep wasn't a thing for her, she couldn't sleep without the nightmares coming so she just chose not to…She had all night to deal with all of the mess, probably catching a one or two hour nap, more than that would be too much of a hopeful thinking. "Quinn, honey, time for dinner!" she heard her mother's voice through the door and sighed, that was something she really didn't want to go through. She heard her mother's steps on the wooden floors of the corridor and smiled, during this last summer she rarely spoke with her parents, not that she hated them or something, just couldn't take the fakeness of their happiness.
She opened her door, after she was finished with her last pack of clothes; she knew her parents had already started eating, they knew it would be a miracle for her to join them. She sat down in one of the luxury chairs and looked at the home cooked meal. Her mother's mouth formed the shape of an "O" and her father was looking at her with such anger and disappointment, she had never seen him like that, he was the type of man to hide his emotions through the perfect face they were playing right now…Till the moment they saw Quinn…Her hair was short and messy, she was wearing a black V neck t-shirt and shorts, in the eyes of any other parents she was a regular teenager, but hers…Oh for them she was the opposite…"This is not the look of a young lady…" her father said in his fake calm voice, but the words came from grinding teeth "This…This is far from it" he looked at her, his eyes full with anger "Is that what you are going to do to us now? After everything you are going to become…To become this!" he stood up and Quinn noticed her mother's shoulders tense
"Russel there is no need for dramatics." Her mother took a long sip from her wine and looked at her husband, it was the first time ever for Judy Fabray to stand up to Quinn's father…It was surprising, unexpected…"Honey" she looked at Quinn with a soft smile "It's okay" Quinn felt her mother's hand on her fist, her knuckles had become white as snow, she was ready to jump from her chair and hit her father, she wanted it so badly…
"How could you…How could you be such an ass?" she asked with all the hate she could gather so clear in her voice. It was pure venom and she saw it in his eyes, he didn't like the fact that she was ready to talk back to him. "You blame me? Blame me all you want, but you were the one she was running from!" she stood up, hitting the mahogany table with open palms, feeling a slight pain from the movement. "Do you remember how it was last year and the one before...And the one before that and all of her live…" she grinded her teeth, she couldn't take the perfect picture they were creating, she couldn't take in anymore… "You are a bully, an asshole, and most of all a hypocrite!" her hands were in fists once more, and she felt the hate going through her, she hated him that was all, nothing more, only hate…She looked at her mother that was just sitting there, looking at the empty chair, the one that was once Fran's, her glass was empty, and she was holding the bottle now, not that the bottle had much in it… "YOU HAVE A SON! A BASTARD!" she took a step closer to him and looked him directly in his green eyes, she smiled "Yeah I know, I know all of it. I know how Fran came here the day she found out, it was her freshman year in college…You tried to dishonor her for having a BOYFRIEND THAT SAME YEAR…" she was yelling again, she took one deep breath, never taking her hazel eyes from his green, both pairs full with anger, but hers, hers were full with tears too "You…You have no right…No right to be angry at me…I was behind the wheel that night but you were the one that put us there!"she was crying now and hating the fact that she was showing weakness in front of him "We were…I was…We were leaving…Leaving all of this…YOU!" at first she didn't feel a thing, she only felt the move of her head from a hard hit and then…Then came the pain, she felt her right cheek burning with it and it gave her even more, more anger, more tears…She knew that was coming, she knew he would do just that, that was his solution to a problem, unfixable problem like Quinn…
"Leave! Leave now!" Judy's voice was strong and determent, but her eyes were showing the fear that she was trying to hide "Don't make me call the police, how would your campaign manager like the headline in the morning paper? Russel Fabray abuses his daughter? Or even Russel Fabray has a son outside of marriage?" she crossed her hands and looked at Quinn with a soft small smile.
"You'll regret this! Both of you" he looked at them furious, anger obvious in his movement and tone, but left the room and after a long ten minutes left the house…
"I meant to do that for years, but never had the courage…I'm so sorry honey" she looked at Quinn with all the love and concern that she had ever seen in her mother's eyes "You are right about him and I knew that, and…I just…I couldn't…But that night, when Fran…I had to…I'm sorry it took so long for me to do it" Quinn looked at her and gave her a long reassuring hug "I didn't even unpack his things" a harsh laugh followed her words and Quinn smiled to it. She was happy that she wasn't the only one…The only one what? She didn't really know, maybe the only one who didn't want him here, or who didn't want to pretend that everything was perfect, or the only one who saw who he really was…She was happy that her mother was there for her, that she chose her…
"Thank you" she whispered, now her mother was hugging her with a reassuring hand on her back, Quinn was crying again, but this time the tears were both from happiness and sadness "She would have been proud of us!" she said pulling back from her mother's arms…
….