If I were serious when I wrote this, someone would have to shoot me. But since I'm not, please don't, and just enjoy this crazy piece of crack. But beware of exaggerated OOCness (from Paul mostly), language (from some), slight unintentional character-bashing (from me to Dawn) and psycho perversion (from Officer Jenny. She was fun to write).
Pairings: Poke, Contest, Ikari, Penguin, Pearl, Coma, Hoenn, Winstrate, Rocket, Lust, Cookie, Tension, KantoContest, Piket, Pallet, Ego, Bang (These ships are either very subtle or very obvious, just so yah know).
Disclaimer: After reading this, I would be scared if I owned Pokemon.
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In Which Everyone Was On Drugs
Ash, Misty, Brock, May, Max, and Vivi were all wandering through some obscure, unnamed city, probably in Hoenn, just because I say so. And you'll never guess what they were doing! Shopping!!
"Let's buy some jewelry!" Vivi exclaimed.
"No! New clothes!" May argued.
"How about we stop in that mallet boutique," Misty suggested. Just then, Ash dropped to the ground, crying and have some sort of mental breakdown, all while foaming at the mouth.
"Notthemalletmommy," he repeated to himself, rocking back and forth.
And everyone was all, "WTF".
It was then everyone's favorite cross-dressing, revenge-wanting, cookie-giving, Cacturne-loving, purple-haired (got anymore and I'll add 'em in) Coordinator appeared! Yay!!
"OHNOZ!" May exclaimed, "It's Harley!"
"It's Harley… Dressed as Solidad," Max remarked, puzzled. Like this was her cue, Solidad randomly stepped into the gathering of peoples. Dressed as Harley.
Before anyone could comment, they ripped off their clothes to reveal that the Harley was really Solidad and the Solidad was really the Harley! Or something like that. But don't worry; they were still wearing their normal outfits if you were worried.
Anyway, everyone was all "WTF". Except Ash, who was too busy being dead and foamy or something. Misty prodded his unmoving body with her toe and shrugged. It was then May felt someone tapping on her shoulder. She turned to see Drew, holding a rose.
What? Was there some Contest going on that no one told me about?
She took the rose anyway and started to scream.
"Drew, you bastard!! This rose still has thorns!" She proceeded to break down next to Ash. Drew then grabbed her and pulled her into a tight embrace.
"Oh May! I'm so sorry!" Accepting his apology, May kissed him and they ended up making out passionately, tongue and all. Everyone watched, which was kind of weird. Except me of course. I was like "GROSS!" and threw up. I mean, 10-ish year old kids should not be doing that! Seriously.
So I separated them before I vomited again. And this time, I wouldn't be surprised if I heaved up my intestines or something.
Anyway, after everyone was (somewhat) calm, Officer Jenny appeared, firing a gun into air, and all hell broke loose. Again.
"You are all under arrest because I said so!" Her eyes scanned over the many people, who, if you ask me, were all pretty shifty lookin'. There was Ash with his dead foaminess, and Brock with his squinty eyes, and Harley with his everything that I shouldn't even have to go into, and Vivi with that innocent clueless-ness, and Max with those glasses, and Solidad with those… Actually, you had to hand it to Solidad for looking the most normal and least suspicious.
Anyway, Officer Jenny's eyes stopped on the love struck Brock and she smiled in a way she though was seductive and sexy. It was just plain creepy, trust me.
"I've heard all about you Brock," she said, poking him roughly in the chest. "And I have a special punishment for you." Her smile was now accompanied by a wicked gleam in her eye, as she pulled out a pair of fuzzy pink handcuffs.
Everyone was scared. Except Brock. He was actually pretty happy. That is, until he wet himself. Then he realized he was scared shitless. So he ran.
"Save me Nurse Joyyyyy!"
"Get your ass back here bitch!" Jenny chased after him, handcuffs waving in the air. Max grabbed Vivi and followed them, as he was Brock's protector (or maybe he protected women from Brock) and had to keep him out of trouble and the like.
And once again, everyone was all, "WTF". But their moment of clueless stupidity ended when, BOOM!, there was a giant explosion right next to them.
"OMG I'M DEAF!" May exclaimed. That sucked because sadly no one seemed to care.
Anyway, the smoke cleared and standing there was Team Rocket just exuding their evil radiation of evilness!
…
But not really. I bet you thought it was them didn't you! C'mon, just admit it. They would be in this story if it wasn't for the fact that Jessie and James were having a wild, hot make-out session (and they can! 'Cuz they're old enough!) while Meowth was just being all chill and cat-like.
Instead, it was really Dawn, Paul, and Kenny! In Hoenn?! No way?! Yeah way! Scandalous!
"Who the hell are you?" Misty demanded to know.
"I'm Dawn!" the blue-haired girl said. "Don't you just love my cute, revealing skirt which is in no way inappropriate for a 10 year old girl?!" Everyone just stared.
"Tell me I'm cute, Kenny! Tell me I'm cute!" She began to shake the reddish-brown haired boy by the shoulders, who Misty assumed was Kenny.
"And I'm Paul," the last, plum-haired boy said. "And you suck." Misty just about killed him.
"We're from Sinnoh!" Dawn suddenly added in.
"Then how did you get here?" May asked. She was sitting with Drew's arms around her, which is cool with me, because Contestshipping rocks. This time, Paul replied, but you would have never known by what came out of his mouth.
"Being the most kind, generous, non-assholish, and overall awesome Trainer in the world, I rescued a poor, helpless Abra that was in danger with the help of my bestest friends Dawn and Kenny! It ended up teleporting us here!"
"But…that doesn't explain the explosion," Misty said.
"What explosion?" Paul replied, apparently not noticing the smoldering remains of buildings around him. Then Misty looked at Dawn, who was still pestering Kenny.
"I think you're ugly," Paul said to her. "And what happened to the cute one lying on the ground?" He looked at Ash's body, not noticing Dawn about to go on a rampage.
And everyone else was all "Wha?". They were pretty sure Paul was bipolar or schizophrenic or something.
"What did you say to me you purple-headed asshole?! Who asked you anyway?! Why if I had a blunt object I swear I'd-" Dawn was cut off by Paul's lips crashing down on hers.
"Shut up," he murmured against her lips. Kenny, seeing this, freaked out.
"Get your lips off my woman!" he screamed, pouncing on Paul.
"No! Dawn's mine!" Ash exclaimed, randomly rising from the dead. Misty promptly left to buy a new mallet. Dawn tried to get the boys to stop fighting by saying that they could all have a piece of her eventually. Which then led to cannibalism and a horribly maimed Dawn twitching in the dirt.
But not really.
And the four remaining Coordinators you probably forgot were there were all, "WTF".
Harley, incredibly annoyed that he hadn't spoken in like… wait, he hadn't spoken at all… and wasn't the center of attention, decided to leave. But not without first giving everyone cookies of course! He had even made some special for May!"
"Bye, Drewsy-poo!" Harley said, ruffling the boy's green hair affectionately. Drew scowled at his retreating figure.
Solidad started to wonder why the hell she was still here as well. I mean, she's supa-cool Solidad! Why would she be hanging out with all these psychos?
She left too, catching up with Harley, probably to do something cool and Solidad-like by winning Ribbons or the Grand Festival or just being totally kick ass.
Misty finally returned to the scene with a big, shiny, brand-new mallet with Ash's name emblazoned across it in bold letters. She was relieved to see that he had finally stopped fighting with Paul and Kenny. Instead, he was lying on the ground dead again, with Paul's disfigured corpse next to him. And Kenny was crying his eyes out.
Misty wasn't exactly sure what had happened when she was gone, but she assumed Dawn would've picked Kenny if they hadn't eaten her. That's because Dawn though Paul was a douche. Unless he was being Shinji, his super kind, super generous, and super awesome, not to mention drop-dead sexy alter ego. Then, she liked him more than Kenny and things happened that I won't go into now. Or ever, probably.
Misty then swung her new mallet over her shoulder, grabbed Ash by the back of his shirt, and began to drag him away. They were probably going to go on some adventure to find Gary.
Because in my book, Pokeshipping, Palletshipping, and Egoshipping are all pretty rad.
Misty waved goodbye to May, who, noticing the authoress was growing bored and drained of ideas, was kissing Drew again. But then, out of nowhere, the authoress got an idea!
Brendan had not been even mentioned in this story once until now! That's total blasphemy! So, in a magical puff of smoke, I made Brendan appear.
His brown hair was peeking out of his white hat which was blowing heroically in the breeze, meaning his hair was brown not white you silly peoples who think he has white hair! Well, at least I think so.
If anyone there wasn't maimed or disfigured or preoccupied I'm sure they would've been all, "WTF".
Anyway, Brendan saw May and Drew kissing and immediately became heartbroken and discouraged. But he held his tears in like a real man. The two Coordinators finally pulled apart for air, and that's when May noticed Brendan standing there. She jumped away from Drew, speechless.
"Don't tell me you like this loser," Drew said flicking his hair.
"I am not a loser! And I've always liked May! I challenge you to a battle for her!"
"Hn. If that's what you want. But be prepared to lose."
They then lunged at each other, and if they had claws, I'm sure they would've been all extended and razor-sharp. May jumped between them, confused, thinking they were going to have a Pokemon battle. And I'm sure that's what you all thought. But they didn't because ripping each other to shreds is more fun! Well, they would've ripped each other to shreds if May wasn't being such a baby.
"Stop!!" she yelled so loudly that it echoed through the city. "Please stop…"
She fell to her knees, tears in her eyes. May was either torn because the angst and drama surrounding Hoennshipping versus Contestshipping was too overwhelming or she just didn't want any more dead bodies on her hands.
"You shouldn't fight over me," she said, "because I love…" Before May could finish her statement, she fainted. Drew and Brendan both rushed over to her body.
"OHNOES ITSA CLIFFIE!!" they both exclaimed, looking at each other in horror.
"Whatever shall we do?" Brendan asked.
"I say we fight," Drew replied.
"Agreed."
Intense battle music played as they both lunged at each other, uninterrupted this time. And most likely, they ripped each other to shreds as originally planned. But the authoress has stopped caring and is hungry and has a headache.
And so Pikachu, the only sane was left, was all "WTF", and proceeded to lick a bottle of ketchup.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXThat was immensely fun. I wonder if I will receive my first flame for this…