There's no fixing you.
You lied.
There's no fixing you.
Lemon.
Whole and Healed.
It has been three days, three days of strength, of loneliness, of pain, of hurt, of trying to believe that he didn't mean those words. I know he doesn't mean them. The doctor part of my brain, the logical analytical part of my brain knows he didn't mean it. He was hurt, he was drunk and he was lashing out at those closest to him. He beat up Mark with his fists, he beat up me with his words. The closest people too him he wanted to hurt to isolate himself so he could feel anything but the pain he was feeling. So he could push the pain onto others if only for a brief moment. I know that, I have been telling myself that for the days since I left the land.
It doesn't make it hurt any less. He knew where the wounds were to hit and he hit them hard.
I know what it's like to feel like you're drowning and to be in so much pain you want to pull back. You want to not feel or have anyone around you trying to help. You have written a lot of books, but you have not been the only one.
There's no fixing you.
You lied.
There's no fixing you.
Lemon.
Whole and Healed.
I love you.
I go to sleep alone now, his side of the bed cold and well made. After seeing him for the first time in days. It was hard not knowing how he was, his absence made me hurt just as much as his words did. He loves me. I knew that, I know that. His side of the closet is still empty and all his drawers void of the little things in them that made him, him. His socks, his flannel, his striped pajama bottoms. As much as I know he didn't mean his words I didn't have it in me to stay at the trailer with him, despite my missing his presence all around me. I couldn't, not with his words still haunting me. I need to think about Izzie now because as much as I'm hurting over Derek hurting and Derek hurting me, it's nothing compared to the journey Izzie is now on.
5% chance of survival, 95% chance of death.
I know Derek won't let me down. He won't let Izzie down. He's a rare gifted surgeon who is 1 in 20 of the entire world who could help raise her percentage just a little more. Give her more time, give us more time with her. He will do it, because he wouldn't be him if he didn't.
He wouldn't be the him that I love.
Cereal, work and Izzie's surgery. Those are my three goals of the morning. Eating some cereal and trying to keep it down, getting to work and trying to be there for Izzie. My morning plans are halted when he shows up looking not much different than the man I saw at the trailer last night. The 4 days of beard on his face, his woodsman jacket and a ring box in the palm of his hand.
Ok, that's different. The last I saw that box it was empty and the ring had gone to second base. He sits down at the kitchen table next to me sliding the opened box closer to me. I see the diamonds sparkle through the sunlight invading the kitchen. The prisms of reflections appearing around it and I couldn't help but blink back tears. He found it, he went looking for it.
There's no fixing you.
You lied.
There's no fixing you.
Lemon.
Whole and Healed.
I love you.
I need you to marry me.
"Derek..."
"Mere...please."
"That won't work this time. Today's about Izzie, todays about you using your gift again. I need..."
"Mere..."
"Why?"
"What?" he stutters out looking at me like I'm the one who should be having brain cancer hallucinations.
"Why do you need me to marry you? I'm broken and a lemon and ...." I begin to recite the words that have been haunting me for days. The words I could hear coming from the mouth of my dead mommy only they didn't. They came out of the man I wanted a lifetime with. His words etched in my memory refusing to dissipate and he stops me harshly.
"NO! I didn't mean those things. Don't you see? I AM those things. I run, I hurt you, I am not whole and healed. You are so much better and you deserve so much better than me. I told your mother once that every good thing that you are happened despite her and every good thing you are now is despite me too. I told her that she broke you and I broke you just the same. But you did get whole and healed, you did and I know how much you've come and I wish I was as strong and good as you to be that strong. I am just a broken man who wants to be better, who loves you and is hoping you'll have him."
"Ok" I whisper in shock and awe at all he's just said. Still trying to process his heartfelt plea. Knowing that we will need to talk about it all at some point, but for now those 2 letters is all I could mutter out. He loved me and I will help him be better. I will help him not be broken. We will fix each other through our life together.
"Ok?" he repeats back confusion etched on his face and in his eyes.
"Ok" I smile back at him as I reach my hand over to finger the velvet box containing another piece of my happily ever after. "I need to go to work and there's Izzie. You need to go do her surgery and then you have to shave because we have to kiss when you put this on me and you have to ask me again so you could ask and I can answer again." I ramble out.
"Bossy" he smiles a goofy smile at me, his blue eyes sparkling in the light and his face looking lighter and happier than I've seen it in weeks.
"You're the one marrying me." I snap back and I know I'm wearing an equally goofy smile.
There's no fixing you.
You lied.
There's no fixing you.
Lemon.
Whole and Healed.
I love you.
I need you to marry me.
Ok.