Cup of Coffee
Author: Irish Kaoru
Disclaimer: I do not own Fake nor do I own the lyrics to the song "Cup of Coffee" which is done by the band Garbage.
Author's notes: OK so lets face it… there is no way that what happens in this story would actually happen to our beloved Ryo and Dee but this idea was stuck in my head and I had to get it out so here it is Cup of Coffee.
//You tell me you don't love me over a cup of coffee
And I just have to look away
A million miles between us
Planets crashing into dust
I just let it fade away//
I remember it so well that it is like a movie that is forever stuck on repeat. The words that you said that I didn't really hear all I saw was your mouth moving up and down and a sorry look on your face, which, to be honest didn't look like it reached your eyes. That's how I knew that you were telling me the truth, your eye's they betrayed your saddened expression by laughing at me and my stupidity.
I couldn't believe that you had said that to me, that you would be the one to say that there was no love between us. It was almost cliché the way that you said it. "Ryo, you know that I will always be there for you." Like that would fix what you had said just before. Like it would take away any pain that I felt when you told me that you didn't love me.
Was I really just a prize that you could win? Was I honestly just another trophy for your cabinet? How could I have not seen it? God almighty I really am an airhead, dense, and hopeless. And yet I can only blame myself because I was the only one that let myself fall as deep as I did. I had even fooled myself to the point that I believed you would always be by my side. I really was stupid and a part of me wishes that I had never met you Dee Laytner.
//I'm walking empty streets hoping we might meet
I see your car parked on the road
The light on at your window
I know for sure that you're home
But I just have to pass on by//
At night I find that I cannot sleep anymore. I know that you are not by my side and it hurts. When I can't sleep I walk, it is the only thing that I can do. I'm to restless to sit at home, in the apartment that we once shared, on the bed, or the couch, or even the kitchen table where I know we made love before. I walk and walk is all I can do.
I walk without thinking and it hurts me more because subconsciously I know where I am going and it is always the same. I don't ever see what's around me as I deftly maneuver around the other night-owls of the city. And then I stop at the same place that I have almost every night for the past three weeks. When I look up my heart is torn apart.
The light to your apartment window is on and I can see you standing there looking at something on the other side of the room, laughing like I remember you use to do with me.
And then I see him, the man who has won your affections above mine. I don't want to watch but that is all I can bring myself to do as you both embrace and he kisses you. He kissed you like I once had the right to, what is the difference between him and me. Are you going to let him fall for you before you break him like you did me? Does he know that he is only another conquest, another toy for your pleasure? How could he, you are to convincing. He, like me, has fallen into your trap.
//So no of course we can't be friends
Not while I'm still this obsessed
I guess I always knew the score
This is how our story ends//
You told me when we were sitting there that you would still be there for me, if I ever needed anything to let you know and that you would do it. But Damn it Dee you refuse to help me with the one thing that I want… you back in my life.
You said you still wanted to be friends and partners at work. I agreed but did you really thing that I would be able to do that with no problem. That being around you wouldn't make me want you more that I did when I had you?
You fail to see that you had me wrapped around your finger and now it is obvious that this was all just a sick game for you. You still wanted to be friends; I still wanted you in my life as my boyfriend. The very next day I had to request a transfer and until then Berkeley made sure that you and I were on opposite schedules so that I wouldn't have to face you in person.
A funny thought isn't it. I still want you to be with me and yet I am the one that had to request the transfer, I am the one that had to ask to get away from you. I cannot face you. I refuse be like JJ although I can now understand why he does what he does. You did the same thing to him that you did to me didn't you? You let him fall while he was really just dangling on the end of your string.
//I smoke your brand of cigarettes
And pray that you might give me a call
I lie around in bed all day just staring at the walls
Hanging round bars at night wishing I had never been born
And give myself to anyone who wants to take me home//
You would laugh at me if you could see me now, how pathetic I have become. I started smoking just so it would seem like you were there. Marlboro reds, harsh at first but after a month it's like nothing. I can still taste the nicotine that I am sure I tasted on you when we kissed. The smoke clouds that filled my house… no our house… are present once again. Bikky only shakes his head when he sees me light up. He knows that it is you that is on my mind.
Bars are a place that I hated before and even when I was with you. I couldn't stand everything that they had. I was never a big drinker but lately that has all changed, I come home more drunk ever night.
It is not only that but the fact that I am so lonely and find it impossible to sleep in such a large bed by myself that I have even taken to "whoring" myself out, as you might call it. Any man or woman that wants to take me home will get me that night. Although I go through the actions with no feelings at all, you still have all my affections, you made me feel alive but now I only feel dead. There is no love or passion like there was between you and me. No one can compare to you but I find myself judging everyone, you set the standards.
//So no of course we can't be friends
Not while I still feel like this
I guess I always knew the score
This is where our story ends//
As much as I wish that you were in my life right now I find it impossible to even think about being around you. I know that I would breakdown. I cannot handle the idea of another being with you when I know that it should be. How could I have been so god damned stupid to believe that you really cared or that you really didn't date another since the day that you met me.
There is no way that I could ever be with you without being with you. It hurts just to think about it knowing that it will never happen no matter how much I wish it would. I love you Dee to the point that it is borderline obsession. It has been three months since you left me and I still find myself thinking of you all the time, every waking moment.
I could never be near you again and yet I find that I cannot accept the fact that you are not going to be in my bed at night. I can never see you again. I know this now and I try to move on. But tell me Dee Laytner how am I to move on when I have been done so wrong, when you played your part so well that I could not tell that I was the one that was being played and toyed with. Dee as much as I wish I could see you I know that I will never speak with you again and that hurts more than anything that you have ever done to me before.
//You left behind some clothes
My belly somersaults when I pick them off the floor
My friends all say they're worried
I'm looking far too skinny
I've stopped returning all their calls//
When you left you forgot to take with you a few things, one of which was the shirt that I had bought you as a Christmas present the this year. I remember that you wore it all the time, that you said it was your favorite, When I found it laying in the dresser I flipped out a little and had thrown it to the floor cursing your very being. But you still won over me and I couldn't help but hold it close to me. It still to this day smells faintly of the aftershave that you used,
I keep it with me when I am in be by myself, it reminds me of happier days but is normally the cause of my inability to sleep because it leaves me longing for you. I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about you. God Dee you looked so… so… sexy when you wore it. Not the best mental image for me to have at the moment.
My aunt knows that there is something wrong with me, although I guess it's not all that hard to tell, I have always worn my emotions on my sleeves, She calls all the time but I have stopped answering all calls. I don't even care who it is at this point, work or pleasure it doesn't matter because it's not you. You are the one that I want to talk to although I try to convince myself that I really don't need you. But it's not true Dee I need you to feel alive, to feel like I felt before.
//And no of course we can't be friends
Not while I'm still so obsessed
I want to ask where I went wrong
But don't say anything at all//
I saw you the other day at the super market. You were with him. Your new main squeeze and I can't help but wonder how long this one will last. It's been six months since I we broke up, since I transferred, since I talked to you at all. But I am not even worth the time of day in your eyes, you introduced me to Aaron like you thought that it wouldn't bother me to see you two together. God stop doing it Dee. Get out of my head and stop… just leave me the hell alone.
When I saw you there were millions of questions that ran through my head, how are you, how is everyone at the precinct, why did you dump me, what did I do, where did I o wrong, why didn't you want to stay with me? I want to ask you all of this but cannot say anything. All that I could do was plaster a fake smile on my face and hope that you didn't see that I am still broken. I know that you saw though, my acting is nowhere near as good as yours is. I wish I had the courage to ask what I did wrong but I can't, I can't even look you in the eye much less speak more than simple yes, no, oh reallys to you. I am so sick of it, so sick of you being on my mind.
//It took a cup of coffee
To prove that you don't love me//
Would things have been different if I had said no I really don't feel like going to the café tonight. Would I still be with you if I had not gone? Where would we be? Why you did it is beyond me, I thought that I had given you all that I could possibly given you but you wanted more, a little wasn't enough for you. I guess it never is.
Dee it's been 8 months and I still cannot move on, that's why I am writing this. To let you know that I loved you to the very end. I loved you and I still do. I can leave now and be free of you and your tight grasp on me. Bikky is grown and I… well other than being a wreck have found everything that I was looking for.
I had a son that I watched grow up when I took in Bikky, I even had a daughter in Carol. I had a job that I took pride in and that I was good at. And more than anything else I found true love in your arms. I will never love another… ever. There is no way that I can think of other than this to be free of your spell.
I love you Dee and I hope that you know this.
Bikky and Carol had come over later that day to share the good news that they were getting married but that was all overshadowed by the grief of losing a parent. They had found Ryo lying on the couch with the letter crumpled in one hand, a picture of Dee clutched to his chest and an empty bottle of sleeping pill on the living room table. He couldn't get over the fact that the one person that he had truly fallen in love with left him for another, left him alone like he would be ok.
Dee never had the heart to forgive himself. He knew that he was the cause of Ryo's death… Bikky had made sure that he was more than aware of this fact after the funeral. The truth was that he never loves anyone as much as he had loved Ryo but felt that Ryo deserved better than an ex-street rat like him, he knew that Ryo could have done so much better. But he would never had said a word about it if he knew that it would lead to this. Dee broke himself but vowed that he would live each day for both he and Ryo, for the life that he had killed he was going to life and suffer as a way of repenting. He hoped with all his heart that when he did die there would be an angel with fail sandy blond hair and a bright smile that would bring him to a place where they could live in happiness for all eternity.
Author's notes: Ok so I hated the ending to this but it is late and I really didn't have the heart to write this…. OMFG I just killed Ryo, Ryo my favorite character and I killed him. Someone should kill me!
So please read and review. There may be a few more oneshots… some FAKE, a Godchild one that I have stuck in my head at this point, and of course I am still working on There Are Days Like This Too. Thank you for reading and I hope that you liked the story as depressing as it was… really not my best work. I fought with myself about posting it. Anywho…. Please review and let me know what you think, constructive criticism is always accepted… Helps me as a writer.
Ja
Irish Kaoru